Realizing that there are others out there like you gives you the strength to stick together.
It’s important to know that you are not alone. It’s something I address with my students on an almost daily basis, as their self-esteem is usually wracked by the thinking that they are the only ones in their situations.
And it’s not always bad, either. Today, it was a student who is going into a career in animation and feels like no one else shares her passion. She thinks that she’s going into uncharted territory, and as a result, she believes she’s going to fail because no one else has ever done this. I spent time talking with her, letting her know that I actually have about one person every couple of years with that same passion for animation. In fact, one of them had just emailed me and sent me her college junior year animation portfolio, so I shared it with this current student as a means of encouragement. She was ultimately so relieved to know that yes, there are others out there, people who are successful in her chosen profession.
Sometimes it’s a life choice they’ve made, sometimes it’s a problem with their experiences, while other times it’s a personal obstacle they are working to overcome. In all cases, they feel like the only ones and therefore think something is wrong with them. Feeling alone is a natural human emotion. When we feel alone, we become introspective and fearful, which is why the Bible reminds us so often that we are not alone. Psalm 23:4 famously reminds us that, “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” We need to know that we are not alone so we can continue onward.
When couples fight, they are often at their lowest because they feel deeply alone. They think that their struggles are unique to their relationships, therefore something must be wrong between the two of them. They feel like failures as a result, misunderstanding that what they are experiencing is not common. Deuteronomy tells us to “be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you” (31.6), and it is that knowledge that comforts us. So in an effort to make couples feel less alone, let’s address some of the most common things people fight about.
Sure, there are things I’ve already mentioned like money and how you two spend it, ignored household chores and responsibilities, and attention neglect. But let’s move past those, as we already know they are common, and get to the fights you thought you were the only ones having.
Where you are spending Thanksgiving/Christmas/Mother’s Day/Father’s Day – Chances are, each of the two families has their own traditions, and no matter how you handle it, one of them is getting the short shrift. To NOT go to one of the family’s households, or to not stay at home and celebrate, sometimes sends the message that one person is more important than everyone else. Of course, that is not really the case, as it may come down to practicality or who’s turn it is, but yes, where you spend that important holiday can be a sore subject. And sometimes it can even be about the resentment in needing to spend time with someone they rather would not. And if relatives are visiting you? Ben Franklin said it best: “Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
How often you are having sex – How much each person in the relationship wants sex is often what’s called a “desire discrepancy,” as the amount each desires may differ. In short, one wants it more than the other, so a standoff occurs which sometimes results in a sexless marriage. Frequently attributed to a misunderstanding as to how vast the discrepancy is (it usually isn’t that much, but each party perceives it as such), it can be an issue especially if one party feels much more satisfied with the couple’s intimacy than the other.
Why you ___ so much – Fill in the blank with drink, smoke, vape, eat, play video games, or whatever obsessive behavior is consuming one of you two. It’s a practice that impacts the relationship, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally, with one wishing that the other would stop whatever it is that he or she is repeatedly disapprovingly doing. Even my frequent Pokemon-ing, a harmless activity, can make my wife feel second to a Pikachu. A subgenre of this category is, “Why you are on your phone so much,” with too many of us being tethered to our devices when it should be left on the charger.
Why you are still working – Individuals can be consumed with work to the point that it takes up the entirety of their lives. Work becomes their sole focus, as they are defined not as being someone’s romantic partner but as being a company worker. When we were first married, I was grading endlessly after school and on the weekends, until we both decided that schoolwork stays at school. Hard at first, it separated my two lives and thankfully allowed me to focus on my family instead.
These are just a few common arguments, as there are more, but more importantly, is knowing that we share them. There is strength in numbers, and knowing that you are not alone gives us the inner strength to overcome our most difficult struggles. In King Solomon’s book to the Ecclesiastes, he reinforces this precept: “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (4.12). Hearing that these are common struggles to us all helps us feel a little less alone and allows us to feel a part of a larger group. Knowing that these disagreements are common lets us feel like a part of a larger collective rather than floating alone in a lifeboat on the ocean.
When you find yourself going through a rough patch with your romantic partner, know that whatever it is you are experiencing is not unique to you. Generations of people have fought the same fight well before you and still stuck together afterwards. Sometimes, that fight can feel like it’s the end of the world, but know that it’s much more common than you think. Learn to feel that connection with people outside of your couplehood and you will feel much more comfortable when the seas get choppy.
Amen.
Pebbles in the Well 