The False Front of Fatherhood, and Other Unmet Needs

Learning to be real with others lets them in and helps meet your increasing needs.

It is rare that our neighbor speaks to us beyond a wave and a smile, so when he approached us to talk, we knew there was something big to share.

“My wife had a baby!” He was thrilled. His son had been born about a month ago to an already packed house that had the three of them along with his parents, but he was beaming with joy from ear to ear. He explained how he is so happy all the time and so much in love with his child. He showed us the goosebumps on his arms as proof. Proud poppa was having his moment.

It then took about 30 seconds for him to start telling us about his frustrations in the night and how the baby wakes them. As anyone who has ever had kids, we are all acutely aware of how difficult a new sleep schedule is when the child won’t sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time. The facade continued to crack and he began to tell us about how he wished his child could talk and share what was wrong when he was crying. We empathized and said that yes, it is difficult because all you want to do is help and they won’t explain what’s wrong.

And then it all started to spill out.

He then went on to explain how hard a time he is having with adjusting to this new lifestyle. He recounted daily fights that he and his wife have over how to treat the child (sleeping on his back, side, in the bed, etc.), fights that his wife and mother are having over who is in charge of raising the child, and statements that he has made to his spouse about how he doesn’t think they are going to make it. It was a big turnaround in tone from the start of the conversation.

As we’ve been there with our own, we let him know that there was no judgment whatsoever from us and that there was nothing wrong with him for feeling this way. We’ve often said that the first 6-8 months of raising a child are absolute hell and that anyone who says it was a joy isn’t remembering it correctly. It tests everyone involved, pushing them to the brink. So, we spent time letting him know that he isn’t alone and that everything he is going through is completely normal. We mentioned that he will make tons of correct and incorrect decisions with raising his son and none of them will make a difference. We encouraged him to take more deep breaths and know that everything they are going through is normal.

At that point, his visage softened and he seemed less uptight and more encouraged. I thought he might  hug us at one point. We invited him to come over any time and just unload or take a break (his wife, too), because we know what it is like. Whether he takes us up on that or not doesn’t matter, as for many just the knowledge that there’s an out is comforting. 

What struck me the most from this conversation was that he had some deep-seated needs that only came to the surface when he was most honest with us. Although a bit on the nose, Paul’s letter to the Ephesians instructs them: “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body” (4.25). I’m not suggesting he was lying when he was explaining how happy he was, but I think he wasn’t being totally honest with us and himself because everyone always says just how amazing having a child is and doesn’t focus on the more difficult aspects. Once we get past putting up that facade of whatever it is we want others to think and feel about ourselves, we then find the courage to express our real needs and allow them to be met by others.

Often, fear of others’ judgment is what stops us from putting our true selves up front for others to see. In class the other day, we discussed what standards we use to define ourselves and how other people play a part in that measuring tool. We brought up social media and how it isn’t a true representation of who we really are because we are so concerned with what other people think of us. Everything we post is a version of our best selves, the ideal that we want others to see, because we don’t want others seeing the cracks in our lives. Even “the real me” pictures are the best ones from a discarded collection. I know enough great looking social media people who are actually deeply insecure emotional messes on the inside—and there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s better to just be honest with everyone.

When we worry about other people’s opinions, we then don’t get our needs met. A friend I grew up with recently took his own life. Up until that point, according to his social media, he was a successful and happy single lawyer. Why he ended his life is a mystery to me because he never let those of us online know what was really going on. If that is any indication, I can only imagine that he may have hid it from those around him, too. Had we known, maybe we might have been able to help.

In Paul’s letter to the Galatians, he wrote about how we should not focus on the approval of others: “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ” (1.10) and again in his letter to the Thessalonians: “We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts” (2.4b). That he harped on it so much indicates the importance of that precept. Why? Most likely because he wants us to “carry each other’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2). However, we can only do that if we know what they are, and that can only be done if we stop worrying about the judgments of others. By working on worrying less about what others think about us and more about getting our needs met, we can better shoulder each others’ difficult burdens and work to get each other over our tremendous struggles.

Amen.

Taking Sincere Stock of Recycled Responses

Being genuine rather than replying with something clichéd taps into the humanity in all of us.

Long story short, my credit card number got stolen.

We noticed it almost immediately, as there was a weird charge for $925 for concert tickets for musical artist “Bad Bunny.” Nothing against Mr. Bunny and his talented entourage, but it’s not something upon which we would be indulging in or attending.

Thankfully, banking organizations are set up with insurance, so we didn’t lose any money ourselves. They just issued us a new card and on our merry way we went. Or so we thought.

Apparently, the computer’s algorithm with our new account got all screwy (that’s a technical designation – don’t argue), and it decided to flag EVERY charge we made with this new card as “suspicious.” Each time this happened, we were forced to go through a process of calling the company and approving the charges, a routine that would take around 10-15 minutes per call. Once or twice for the computer to learn is fine, but by the end of the week, I had called around a dozen times. You can imagine my increasing irateness.

I tried my best to not get angry at the person on the phone because it’s not their fault, but after that many calls to their service center, it was hard to mask my frustration. And what really set me off was the script they followed.

As anyone in the customer service industry knows, there is often a set list of responses that the representative must follow, a flowchart leading them to the right way of not only solving the problem but also deescalating the person on the phone. It’s a handy tool for them, but when I hear the EXACT same sentences EACH time I call, it’s absolutely soul crushing. The person sounds frighteningly machine-like, and I get robotic responses to my human issue.

In response to said roboticism, I then don’t see the person on the other end of the line as human but as a cog in a machine. Thus, it tends to bring out my worst. It escalates me and (although it shouldn’t) gives me license to lash out. And I began to do so.

On one occasion, I began to speak harshly to the representative who was following the script. I asked her if she had any indication as to how many times I had called so far. She said she didn’t. I forced my frustration on her and told her that it was around ten times. At that point, she broke script and said, “Well, I would have burned the card by then.”

It was a comment that caught me off guard. Infused with warmth, as well as compassion, it was a bit of humor that made me chuckle and feel connected to her. It was a moment where I glimpsed her humanity and realized that she empathized. And it made me change my dark tune. She took a chance and it turned me around. My problem still wasn’t solved, but I finally had someone who I felt was listening rather than just giving me stock responses. 

Now, I don’t expect the entire banking system to alter their model of customer approach and let callers improvise their way through a conversation: the results would be disastrous. But it reminded me that, “The soothing tongue is a tree of life” (Proverbs 15:4) and genuine words like her’s, rather than stock ones, develop empathy and compassion. 

We too often kowtow to stock responses, relying on them to get us through a situation, when in fact a genuine expression of emotion is the best and most caring response. Stock responses are crutches when we don’t know what to say. When in a confrontation with my spouse, and I see her anger, I too often fall to the stock three responses of most males: “I’m sorry. You’re right. I love you.” Yes they are true, but they don’t meet her needs. Something more sincere and genuine would most likely be the salve she needs on her wounds.

I attended a wake recently of a former student who died unexpectedly at the age of 26. I remembered him well and was saddened by the loss. Like most wakes, no one really knew what to say, so many relied on the handful of responses they usually have ready.

Paul’s letter to the Philippians tells us to, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” Stock responses meet the needs of the speaker but not the needs of those truly in need. “I’m sorry for your loss” is usually the answer we throw out there as there is frequently nothing easy that can be said at these sorts of things, but honestly, it’s a pointless sentence that only gets us out of uncomfortable situations. I wanted to give the mother some small bit of peace, as she was crying openly, so I just went in and tried to be genuine.

I introduced myself as her son’s former English teacher, and relayed some memories about how he was so expressive and energetic in class, always bringing smiles to those around him. She wept even more and thanked me so much for that kindness. It wasn’t a lot, but it was all I had to give that was sincere. She probably won’t remember me afterwards, and may not remember my words, but that brief break of stock phrases and responses clearly resonated with her and helped her through her grief, even if just for a second or two.

If Paul asks us to “be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble” (1 Peter 3.8), we should look not to dismiss others with stock answers, working to move out of a situation, but to instead take moments to embrace our humanity and respond in authentic ways that help. It can be scary to respond with something not so stock, but reaching out in compassion puts the other person’s needs first. Relying on a human response rather than a stock one may put our comfort last, put it puts people first.

Amen.

Finding Commonality Makes Life Easier to Handle

Realizing that there are others out there like you gives you the strength to stick together.

It’s important to know that you are not alone. It’s something I address with my students on an almost daily basis, as their self-esteem is usually wracked by the thinking that they are the only ones in their situations. 

And it’s not always bad, either. Today, it was a student who is going into a career in animation and feels like no one else shares her passion. She thinks that she’s going into uncharted territory, and as a result, she believes she’s going to fail because no one else has ever done this. I spent time talking with her, letting her know that I actually have about one person every couple of years with that same passion for animation. In fact, one of them had just emailed me and sent me her college junior year animation portfolio, so I shared it with this current student as a means of encouragement. She was ultimately so relieved to know that yes, there are others out there, people who are successful in her chosen profession.

Sometimes it’s a life choice they’ve made, sometimes it’s a problem with their experiences, while other times it’s a personal obstacle they are working to overcome. In all cases, they feel like the only ones and therefore think something is wrong with them. Feeling alone is a natural human emotion. When we feel alone, we become introspective and fearful, which is why the Bible reminds us so often that we are not alone. Psalm 23:4 famously reminds us that,  “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” We need to know that we are not alone so we can continue onward.

When couples fight, they are often at their lowest because they feel deeply alone. They think that their struggles are unique to their relationships, therefore something must be wrong between the two of them. They feel like failures as a result, misunderstanding that what they are experiencing is not common. Deuteronomy tells us to “be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you” (31.6), and it is that knowledge that comforts us. So in an effort to make couples feel less alone, let’s address some of the most common things people fight about.

Sure, there are things I’ve already mentioned like money and how you two spend it, ignored household chores and responsibilities, and attention neglect. But let’s move past those, as we already know they are common, and get to the fights you thought you were the only ones having.

Where you are spending Thanksgiving/Christmas/Mother’s Day/Father’s Day – Chances are, each of the two families has their own traditions, and no matter how you handle it, one of them is getting the short shrift. To NOT go to one of the family’s households, or to not stay at home and celebrate, sometimes sends the message that one person is more important than everyone else. Of course, that is not really the case, as it may come down to practicality or who’s turn it is, but yes, where you spend that important holiday can be a sore subject. And sometimes it can even be about the resentment in needing to spend time with someone they rather would not. And if relatives are visiting you? Ben Franklin said it best: “Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.” 

How often you are having sex – How much each person in the relationship wants sex is often what’s called a “desire discrepancy,” as the amount each desires may differ. In short, one wants it more than the other, so a standoff occurs which sometimes results in a sexless marriage. Frequently attributed to a misunderstanding as to how vast the discrepancy is (it usually isn’t that much, but each party perceives it as such), it can be an issue especially if one party feels much more satisfied with the couple’s intimacy than the other.

Why you ___ so much – Fill in the blank with drink, smoke, vape, eat, play video games, or whatever obsessive behavior is consuming one of you two. It’s a practice that impacts the relationship, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally, with one wishing that the other would stop whatever it is that he or she is repeatedly disapprovingly doing. Even my frequent Pokemon-ing, a harmless activity, can make my wife feel second to a Pikachu. A subgenre of this category is, “Why you are on your phone so much,” with too many of us being tethered to our devices when it should be left on the charger.

Why you are still working – Individuals can be consumed with work to the point that it takes up the entirety of their lives. Work becomes their sole focus, as they are defined not as being someone’s romantic partner but as being a company worker. When we were first married, I was grading endlessly after school and on the weekends, until we both decided that schoolwork stays at school. Hard at first, it separated my two lives and thankfully allowed me to focus on my family instead.

These are just a few common arguments, as there are more, but more importantly, is knowing that we share them. There is strength in numbers, and knowing that you are not alone gives us the inner strength to overcome our most difficult struggles. In King Solomon’s book to the Ecclesiastes, he reinforces this precept: “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (4.12). Hearing that these are common struggles to us all helps us feel a little less alone and allows us to feel a part of a larger group. Knowing that these disagreements are common lets us feel like a part of a larger collective rather than floating alone in a lifeboat on the ocean. 

When you find yourself going through a rough patch with your romantic partner, know that whatever it is you are experiencing is not unique to you. Generations of people have fought the same fight well before you and still stuck together afterwards. Sometimes, that fight can feel like it’s the end of the world, but know that it’s much more common than you think. Learn to feel that connection with people outside of your couplehood and you will feel much more comfortable when the seas get choppy.

Amen.

Picking at Each Other is Death by a Thousand Cuts

Antagonistic attitudes and ornery outlooks are just asking for a troubled relationship.

I try to be as easy-going as possible, but when I get in a mood, any suggestion to help or fix my problem is the wrong answer. In our house, we call it “Mary, Mary quite contrary,” meaning that no matter what someone says as a solution, there’s a reason that ideas won’t work.

For example, let’s say that I need to get work done by a certain time. My wife will try to help by giving me suggestions for how I can maximize my time, consolidate my workload, break up work into sections for efficiency, etc. For each solution she gives me, if I am in a contrarian mood, I will find a reason why each of her solutions wouldn’t work. Hence, the “contrary” nickname. I see it in my son when he hasn’t eaten much, so everything in the world then seems wrong to him. What we don’t realize is that all of our obstacles are internal (his mood and appetite, the proverbial chip on my shoulder) rather than external. 

It’s this type of antagonistic fighting that causes relationships to fall into fights that could have been avoided if one person in the relationship is in full on sabotage mode. Although fighting can be healthy, needlessly picking on each other and egging each other on to start a pointless fight never helps the relationship grow. But Proverbs warns us to, “not make friends with a hot-tempered person, [or] associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared” (22.24-25), what do we do when that person is our partner, the individual we chose to never abandon?

Being able to identify the reasons why we fall into these traps is the initial step. Isolating the cause of this contentiousness helps us prevent self-sabotaging behavior and can reveal solutions for how to deal with ourselves and others when it starts. In addition to obvious triggers like hunger or lack of sleep (which are easily fixed) there are frequently less obvious reasons for our desire to pick on our partners.

You are bored.

Fights can be exciting. It breaks up a monotonous existence with a little chaos and unexpectedness. Sometimes individuals are so tired of the mundane that they start to pick and poke at each other just for the sake of getting a rise out of the other one. It’s a simple and unhealthy way of getting out of a rut and making a connection with the other person, albeit a damaging one. 

You are avoiding.

You probably have bigger issues that need to be discussed and dealt with, so rather than tackle the big things, you end up being petty and picking on each other with the little ones. It’s a shorter, easier path to conflict/resolution instead of looking at what’s really the issue between the two of you.

You want intimacy.

Frequently, picking at the other person is a cry for help for a deeper connection and more attention but don’t really know how to ask for it. A lack of physical intimacy can also trigger this behavior, as one person may not know how to approach the other for this request.

You need attention.

Poking at the other person’s vulnerable spots and being outright ornery is a way to get attention when you are feeling ignored. (I have seen many students who don’t get the attention they crave so they act out as that’s the only attention they can get.) The same goes for our relationships when we don’t feel the other’s gaze enough.

You desire control.

Sometimes people become antagonistic even when things are going well. During that time, they feel out of control and anxious, as if at any moment things will go bad. Picking on the other person gives a certain sense of control because that person is in control of the antagonism.

You have bad habits.

Other times, it’s nothing more than a habit you perpetuate because it’s your go-to default. You have no real reason to fight other than it’s what you’ve always done in the past.

Knowing what’s at root with the other person when they start to pick on you helps a tremendous deal in diagnosing the problem. Once you reveal the cause, you can start to address it practically and help the other person through it. But what about when you yourself are the perpetrator of the picking? What if you’re the one initiating the fights and your partner is helpless to engage in it, combat you, or help you get through it? Taking some steps to deescalate yourself and diffuse your barbs will allow for smoother relationship sailing.

Taking yourself out of the situation by walking away and having a brief time-out could help you reassess and reflect. Sometimes it’s good to just walk away rather than engage and find yourself trapped in that cycle. In Paul’s first letter to Peter, he encourages him to, “not repay evil with evil or insult with insult.” (3.9), and sticking around might lead to that. It doesn’t have to be long, as just a break from the situation makes you readjust your mindset. Writing down your feelings can help to get it out, as we often feel better once it’s no longer inside us. Reflecting on what led you to this spot, or identifying the trigger, also helps bridge the gap between the two of you. 

At that point, you can start to focus more on your partner and your perceptions of them. Give them the benefit of the doubt and assume innocence. Decide if this is a battle worth fighting: too often we pick battles not worth our time. Finally, communicate in a less emotionally damaging way what you are upset or worried about. That offering of your vulnerability and show of needs will allow for compromise and resolution.

Paul’s first letter to the Thessalonians asks that we “make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else” (5.15). Identifying the cause and taking steps towards a solution that doesn’t involve the prodding of each other will lead you towards that striving, putting an end to the goading of each other into a fight. Thoughtfully reflecting upon how you got there and where you are headed will give you the healing steps you need so as to not tear each other down piece by piece but rather to lift each other up a step at a time.

Amen.

The Fight That’s Been Going on For Years

Why are you having the same messy fight over and over? You aren’t approaching it from the right angle.

“For the last 30 years, you haven’t gotten this right!” is a sentence I’ve heard a few too many times.

Despite our best efforts to break some fighting cycles, like many we tend to return to the same fight again and again in our relationship. Yes, as I’ve mentioned, fighting is good for a couple. It clears the air between you two and lets you both know how the other feels: it makes sure that no one is holding anything in and building up steam. But what happens when the two of you keep returning to the same fight again and again, seemingly getting nowhere with it?

There are many reasons people keep having the same fight because one party does not feel that the issue has ever been resolved. Why not? Well, first let’s classify them into two categories: solvable and unsolvable. 

Solvable 

I read of a mom whose children would leave wet towels on the floor after a shower and then use a new towel because theirs was wet. She tried reasoning with them to not take new towels and hang up the ones they used after showering and reuse it next time. She explained how it disrespected her, wreaked havoc on the environment and her laundry, and even tried punishments by taking away cell phones and gaming systems. Nothing worked. Finally, someone suggested that she hide the new towels so they were forced to use the old one even if it was wet. With the cunning of Jacob pretending to be his brother Esau, she solved her problem and her kids eventually learned to hang the wet towels up.

Seems easy enough to solve, but it was a repeated conflict. Why? As she claims, it is because she was more concerned with being correct than being effective. The triggered behaviors from those wet towels clouded her thinking and she mislabeled her children’s actions as intentionally hurtful. She also realized that this mislabeling was linked to childhood baggage, which caused her to want to win the fight rather than create an effective solution. 

Learning to think clearly in a repeating conflict often leads to one of two situations: you find an effective solution or you let go of the issue. For example, my son’s friends are constantly over our house. I love it: it’s a lot of cacophony and chaos as they shoot basketball, film TikTok videos, conquer video games, and design forts out of our TV room. While here, we also feed them, which gets very expensive. I’ve been lamenting the fact that none of these parents ever offer to pitch in with the cost or have the kids over their house to feed them. My resentment grew until I adjusted my thinking and realized that they are not intentionally making this decision. In fact, I realized that they view us as well-off and can easily afford these things because we do it so frequently and easily. Although we are not rich by far, we can afford these things and I’m grateful that I can provide great memories for my son’s childhood. Proverbs helped me learn that, “starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out” (17.14). So, I’ve been able to let this perpetual issue go once I reframed it in my mind, and I now find my mood happier and more at peace. Again, reframing thinking helped to solve the perpetual problem.

Unsolvable

Then there are the perpetual unsolvable problems, the ones where you and your partner are gridlocked, cannot seem to reconcile, and no reframing of mind leads to either a solution or a release of the issue. These are issues where each person feels that they are spinning their proverbial wheels and can’t come to a consensus as to how to appease both parties. For these, we need to get to the heart of why this issue consistently rears its ugly head to figure out how to handle it:

• The argument may be an indication of a deeper issue. It’s not just about dishes and laundry, it’s about feeling supported. Have both people find out what this fight is really about and tackle it from there.
• Expectations may not be accurate. One person may be unreasonable as to what they want from the other. Checking with other people outside of the relationship helps set the standard for what is reasonable. 
• Your memories of the past are your trigger. You may be reminded of past problems you had with someone else that you fear will manifest themselves in this new person. Past failures and issues sometimes create insecurities in present relationships. 

Learning what is at heart in these gridlocked issues sometimes helps remove fuel from the fire. Proverbs explains that “without wood a fire goes out; without a gossip a quarrel dies down” (26.20) You may not be able to solve it, but when you discover the origin of the argument, you learn to slowly take away what stokes it.

Once you can figure out the root of the argument, there are some key character traits to employ that will lead to resolving it, keeping you from repeating the same issues. Patience is one of them. When something is broken in our life, we are used to fixing it quickly. A leaky pipe brings in a plumber, an appliance breaks and you get a new one. Relationships aren’t quite as easy, as they take time to fix. It won’t happen overnight, so don’t expect it to, but a commitment to fixing it goes a long way to healing. The other trait is honesty, not only with your partner but with yourself. Learn to self-examine and be open about what is bothering you and what lies at the heart of the issue. This analysis will lead you to manage the argument and better handle yourself and your partner.

Paul’s second letter to Timothy encourages us away from the solvable arguments and beyond the unsolvable ones: “Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful” (2.23-24). It takes great effort and patience, but it is well worth the time to give towards introspection given the amount of effort often put towards repeating arguments. Taking the time to categorize your issues as solvable or unsolvable, and then taking steps to either find solutions or healing, will break the cyclical arguments that divide you and your partner and will lead to a more peaceful relationship.

Amen.

The Loving Benefits of a Good Relationship Fight

How much fighting is enough fighting? As long as it’s with love, it’s plenty.

I can sometimes hear it rumbling in the distance—the soft shaking of the ground that means a fight is coming my way. It’s usually a day or two still when I first sense it, but one thing I know: it’s inevitable. 

Knowing that I can’t escape it, I usually try to gird up my defenses and brace for impact, like an incoming missile that can’t be dodged. Yet no matter how much I try to avoid it or prepare for it, nothing can get me ready for when it comes.

The fact that I am able to see the proverbial steam rising is, I suppose, a good thing in that it doesn’t catch me off guard. Yet what I should be most thankful for is that the steam pressure doesn’t settle. Sure, the Bible tells me that “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God” (Matthew 5.9), but does that really mean that not fighting is keeping the peace?

As I’ve mentioned before, fighting is good and important in a relationship, and you see, if that steam pressure is subsiding, then someone is holding it in and squashing it down. If I’ve learned one thing from psychology, it’s this: repression of feelings never solves the issue. So the question to ask isn’t “how can we stop fighting?” but rather “how much is a good amount of fighting?” which means we might need to be fighting more than we are.

In a joint study from the University of Michigan and Penn State University, researchers followed over 1,500 adults for more than a week and tracked the amount of fighting they did. They weren’t so much interested in how often people fought but how people felt as a result of fighting. They discovered that although people did not feel well on the day of the fight, they felt much better the next day, as if getting the fight out of their system and dealing with the issue increased their wellbeing. Consequently, for those who avoided an argument and chose not to engage, they discovered that those people had “diminished psychological well-being and increased cortisol, which can lead to weight gain, mood swings, and trouble sleeping. Short-term gain, long-term pain.” Obviously, not good for their wellbeing. 

Another 2017 study found that couples who did not fight and avoided discussing sticking points in their relationship (money, neglect, possessiveness, and condescension) were less happy in their relationship following the lack of fighting and found that they were less committed to the relationship seven weeks later. So, it would seem that avoiding the fight that lingers in the background is only putting off a conversation vital to the health of the relationship. Choosing to fight is choosing to better the relationship, a gesture of love that reaches out for help.

Just as fighting can be an expression of a desire for love, avoiding a fight thus neglects the relationship’s health. Like water and sunlight to a plant, relationships need warmth and conflict in order to grow; denying a relationship the right to fight squelches the things that are so necessary for its growth. Additionally, dismissing a fight misses out on the opportunity for the relationship to develop and mature. My wife and I might not always be thrilled when we find ourselves in a fight, but we always become better people as a result and grow closer to one another because we now understand each other better. 

Thankfully, there are a lot of other benefits that contribute to the health of the relationship by fighting. Fighting helps you to better understand your partner. Too often, one of the members in the relationship stays silent regarding feelings, and a fight can bring them to the surface, leading the other person to better meet their needs. It also shows where you can make corrections between the two of you, as you might not have otherwise noticed these deficiencies between you both. And, it helps you personally with listening to others and problem-solving in general. Although uncomfortable, choosing fight over flight benefits all parties involved.

Often misinterpreted, Ephesians 4 instructs us as to how we should handle our anger and conflict: “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (26-27). Many see it as the proverbial “Don’t go to bed angry,” yet I suggest it is not so much about not going to sleep in the middle of a fight but is more about holding on to resentment and not expressing it at the right time. Resentment, if not given light, can grow and fester in dark, damp places. Exposing it to the light, although unpleasant at first, helps it wither and die, leaving only healing and maturity in its wake. Sure, we’ve gone to bed a few times steaming at each other (to continue fighting would have just made matters worse), but by the next day, cooler heads prevail and solutions are found because we didn’t neglect our resentment.

Most therapists say that it is common for couples to have disagreements. There’s nothing wrong with you if you do, but there is something wrong with you if you don’t. So how much is enough fighting and how much is too much? There is no real acceptable average for how often is an acceptable amount. Some couples fight just once or twice a month whereas some fight weekly. (However, there are signs that point to an unhealthy relationship if you are fighting almost every day.) In most cases, the fighting is encouraged as long as it stays within the healthy boundaries of what a good relationship fight should look like. (See my past devotionals from this series about handling relationship conflict.)

Fighting has always been portrayed as a sign of a rocky relationship, but the truth is that fighting is healthy, needed, and beneficial. Just because tempers flare and volumes rise, that doesn’t mean love isn’t being expressed along with a desire for a better relationship. Colossians 3.14 tells us, “and over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity,” so we should fight with love for our relationship to grow. Remember, if we didn’t fight in the first place, then we are probably not caring about the relationship. Don’t judge yourself harshly for fighting in your relationship, but allow it to happen so that the two of you might be the best versions of yourselves apart and together.

Amen.

When Stalemate Fights Develop into Relationship Standoffs

Win or lose, it’s a bloodbath. Try hearing instead.

A whistle in the distance…a rolling tumbleweed…squinty eyes…itchy trigger fingers. Looks like we’ve got an old-fashioned standoff! Yeehaw!

My wife said to me the other day that she and I don’t have many actual fights in our relationship but rather we have a variety of standoffs, where each person has his or her own ideas and won’t budge on them. We are two alphas constantly butting heads and refusing to back down.

Hearing those words made me rethink a lot of how we approach each other in conflict. It reframed our disagreements for me, seeing them not as people angry at each other but as individuals strategizing to be heard. It also made me realize that in every fight we have, there is a potential winner and loser, and even when you win, you lose.

Our most recent standoff? We have had a long-standing one in our relationship. The proverbial thorn in our side, where we have each stood our ground firmly and refused to concede.

Apple vs. Samsung.

I have been a die-hard Apple user since iPhone 3. In it for the long haul, I love my iPhone and get a new one every year. It is everything I’ve ever wanted and more. Years ago, my wife dug in her heels with Samsung and only conceded this year when our son switched over to iPhone. (His friends all have one and she wanted to be able to stay in close contact with him—the two opposing services don’t communicate well with each other otherwise.) 

Since then, she has kicked and screamed about her iPhone because it doesn’t do what she wants it to do. So the other night, when she had trouble with it connecting to her car, that standoff came center stage. 

It began as most fights and standoffs do, with an expression of frustration. I tried just listening, but after a few minutes, she didn’t feel heard. (Even though one can be in listening mode, that doesn’t mean the other person feels heard.) You see, she wanted some concession from the lot of us iPhone users, where we would break out of our collective “cult-craze zombie-like acceptance” (her words)  and see the light that Samsung is better.

Now, this all seems silly written down, but remember that standoffs aren’t always about the issue. Often, as I’ve mentioned before, they are about the history between the two parties. When a couple disagrees, it’s about all the other things that the other person has ever done. So, to help recontextualize the stalemate, it’s important to see the other person not as an aggressor but as someone who feels unappreciated. According to relationship therapist Esther Perel, fights bring susceptibilities to the surface and are frequently difficult to solve because both involved parties misunderstand what is at the root of the problem: hurt and vulnerability. Because of this misunderstanding, couples end up having the same fight over and over because each feels vulnerable and not heard. To truly win the argument, couples need to take steps to break the loop. 

The first step is to recontextualize it not as a fight to be won: there is no right or wrong side. The goal is then shifted away from winning and moves towards understanding where the other person is coming from. It becomes much more productive that way as each person starts to retract their alpha horns and back off. In John 13, Christ takes all of the rules of life and boils it down to this: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another” (34-35). Putting love first and winning last achieves this goal.

In addition, don’t try to make your partner see your perspective, as that also creates a push and pull scenario between the two of you. Instead, shift your goals towards understanding the other person’s perspective by examining feelings and experiences. Remember, there is a difference between listening and hearing. I tend to listen, which means I get quiet during a fight. Unfortunately that is perceived as a dismissal, where the other person thinks you are shutting down. Instead, actively listen, where you ask questions that help to shed light on areas that your partner feels you are in the dark about. It’s hard, but Ephesians 4 asks us to “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (2-3). Letting them know that you are actively listening paves a path of love for the both of you to travel together. 

And if you are on the other side and are the one coming in hot with the argument, avoid accusations and judgments on the other person. Frame your issues with how you are feeling and why you feel defensive about an issue. Explaining that you feel attacked rather than accusing the other person of attacking you puts emotions at the center and allows for empathy. Ephesians asks that we “walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (5:2). Avoiding an attack by focusing on how you feel rather than what the other person did allows for that walk. Seeking to find common ground and relating to each other’s feelings also models that love for the other person, and sometimes even persuades them to act likewise. For us, we might still disagree about our phones, but at least we are understanding each other’s emotions and aren’t in a stalemate.

Roaming the romantic wild west and coming across the occasional relationship standoff is a given. Good couples fight, and when they do, it can often lead down the wrong path. Be sure to set that path straight not by framing your argument about who’s right or wrong or how much the other person hurt you, but instead by developing it around your vulnerabilities, the emotions the issue evoked, and how you want to understand the other person’s point of view. In a stalemate, no one wins, but in a relationship framed with empathy, everyone does.

Amen.

Ugly Dismissiveness in Relationship Fighting

Refusing to engage with the other in a fight causes more harm than healing.

Although unpleasant, undesired, and unliked, I’m glad my wife and I fight.

We’ve had some tough ones, too, where tempers rose and frustration peaked. In fact, just yesterday, she approached me with valid concerns and frustrations. (It wasn’t received well, either. I’ll get into that in a minute.) Yet, despite the difficult experiences, I’m glad we fought as fighting is good for couples.

The reason I’m glad is because the real problem is when couples DON’T fight. When words are not exchanged and people don’t engage in conflict in a relationship, it’s because someone is holding it all in. When fights don’t happen, it’s because someone is deeply unhappy and isn’t expressing it, either because the other person is dominating the relationship to the point where the unhappy one is quiet or they don’t know how to express their frustrations. What happens then is that the displeased party becomes so unhappy as a result of bottling it up over a long time, that it finally explodes, manifesting itself with an extreme gesture like an affair or a divorce. When that happens, the other person usually doesn’t see it coming.

This approach of quietude falls under the large umbrella of dismissive behavior, where one person works actively to emotionally shut down the other. One of the most destructive individuals in a fight, this person actively works to silence the other through words, actions, approaches, or a combination of all three. They minimize the other person’s issues or feelings by imposing their own take on the situation. They listen to no one but their own ideas and beliefs: “The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice” (Proverbs 12.15). Before addressing one, it is important to be able to identify them so as to develop a strategy in working with them towards a better relationship.

Character Traits

Ever tell someone that they hurt you and they immediately start defending themselves, making excuses for why you are wrong for thinking the way you are? That’s a dismissive person. They always have to be right and become insecure when you think that they are wrong. They prioritize themselves in the situation rather than putting your feelings first. They never apologize, never take you seriously, and tend to be judgmental in their assessment of your issue. Rather than listening, they jump to making themselves the victim. They dismiss the problem you presented and create a new problem with their lack of attention. Proverbs 18.13 encourages us to listen more as “to answer before listening— that is folly and shame.” They ignore what they’ve done and can only focus on what others have seemingly done to them.

Personally, I have a deeply flawed desire to let everyone know that what I did was right and any wrong they perceived is a misinterpretation on their part. This desire constantly invades my fights with my spouse right from the get go. As soon as she started with me yesterday, I tried my best to tell her how wrong she was. (My response comes from low self-esteem where I want to appear perfect to everyone. For people like me, we are worried about other people’s opinions.) If you enter into a fight with someone like me, it is best to bring the dismissive behavior to their attention because they might not know about it. Tell them how it makes you feel when they do that, as that approach labels it with an emotion.

Dismissive Words

Whatever the other person is bringing to you in the fight is real, as all feelings are valid. It doesn’t matter what you did or said: it’s how it’s perceived by the injured person that matters most. So any attempt to minimize the situation rather than hear and acknowledge it is a dismissive approach. Phrases like “That’s ridiculous”, “Whatever”, “Why are you making such a big deal of this?” are all dismissive. It’s a judgment on the validity of the other person’s concerns, but Romans 2.1-3 tells us, “You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.” Additionally, non-verbal behaviors like eye-rolling, smirking, and facing away are all attempts to refuse engagement. 

I have difficulty physically engaging. Yesterday, I went inward and looked away often. It pained me to hear my mistakes being verbalized. What do you do with someone like me? Tell them how that makes you feel when you are dismissed: ignored, saddened, and worthless. Re-engage them and don’t give up. 

Dismissive Motions

Sometimes, dismissiveness can come in the form of broader strokes, like ignoring the person altogether or walking away during an argument. They may refuse to answer questions posed or give short grunts and one-word answers. They ignore you and show no interest in what is being said, treating the other person as less than they should be. 

I get very quiet in these arguments and answer with words that aren’t classified as words. My unwillingness to engage too frequently dominates my stance. I don’t want to be like the fool of Proverbs 18.2 who “find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.” Thankfully I am with someone who hasn’t given up on me and takes these steps to combat my dismissiveness.

I am working on myself. I recognize that I don’t engage as I should. So today, I went back to her and let her know that although I didn’t receive her message well, she had some excellent points that I will work on. I am working on overcoming my lack of engagement, but at least for now I am considering her concerns more because of her approaches. As the dismissive one, I’ve had my behavior labeled, recognize it as wrong, and am taking steps to alter it.

This week, start taking a harder look at your engagement style when people bring a slight to your attention. Determine if you are engaging with them or not and work toward being more open to their criticism. It’s not easy, believe me, but know that the other person is coming to you out of love and concern for the relationship and yourself. And if you are dealing with a dismissive person, be patient and let them know how you feel when you are being dismissed. By putting the other person at the center of the issue, rather than yourself, your fighting will improve to a more healthy level.

Amen.

Sticking to One Flavor Makes the World Bland

Fear of other religions and their worship styles has Christians missing out on the joy of inter-faith celebrations.

The great philosopher Jerry Seinfeld once hypothesized that the entire world could draw lessons from the delicious dessert pastry known as the black and white cookie. His idea was about the two very different colors/flavors existing on the same plane and working together to make a delicious snack.

“You see, Elaine, the key to eating a black and white cookie is that you wanna get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate….If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.”

Coexistence between two polar opposites of flavor seems like the perfect harmonious allegory for our society. Yet, not everyone sees the cookie that same way, as some see the chocolate and vanilla sides not as complementary flavors but as rival ones. There are some who eat one side first because it is better and then reluctantly eat the other side, not to mention those who throw the whole other side away, uneaten. Like Jerry says, it’s the mix that makes it perfect.

The cookie metaphor of course represents race, but it can also represent our religious landscape, with Christians being one side and non-Christians being the other. Amongst Christians, many tend to stick to their own kind, missing out on the mixing flavor of the world, creating social circles made up of only fellow believers. In college, it was frequently recited to me and others in my Christian circle that we should not get close with those who are not Christians. They cited 2 Corinthians 6:14 as their reference (“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?“), showing us that Christ desired us to not become involved, socially and romantically, with non-believers. I still shudder when I think of those who would self-righteously proclaim this to us on a weekly basis.

What they failed to realize and tended to miss was how Christ himself often hung around with non-believers. His social circle consisted of prostitutes (Luke 7), tax collectors (Matthew 9), and a host of sinners. When entering a town, He never sought out the faithful or synagogue leaders (he usually couldn’t stand those people, actually), but looked for people like Zacchaeus (Luke 19) the chief tax collector, asking to stay at his house. He also looked to socialize with those who were rejected by society, like the Samaritans (John 4). He did not view them as “wicked” but as people who had something to offer, individuals of value.

Believers tend to exemplify this lack of acceptance not only when it comes to non-believers, but more importantly, when it comes to the faithful of other religions. Like the opposite side of the cookie, they see them not as a complement to their own faith but as the polar opposite to it (i.e. – the enemy). To a Christian, engaging with someone Jewish, Buddhist, or Muslim is seemingly unheard of, and when it happens, it’s for the sole purposes of argument and conversion.

A celebration of our commonality as believers rather than a spotlight on our divisions, multi-faith groups feel that they can affect positive change in the world through a sharing of ideas and a collaboration of efforts. Unfortunately, there are common myths that mislead the faithful. 

Myth 1 – You must abandon what you believe

Some of my best friends are people with whom I don’t agree. We have differing philosophies, yet we get along very well, finding what we have in common and contributing those commonalities to a greater good. The same is with multi-faith: once together, many find that they have more in common than not, yet these similarities aren’t explored until people start talking with one another. Multi-faiths frequently begin with an acknowledgement of what people have in common, which is usually a recognition of a higher power that created us and loves us. There are also core character traits shared like dignity, respect, faith, and a desire for worship. Finding common ground creates empathy and understanding between people from differing backgrounds.

Myth 2 – Your faith will weaken

The fear comes from the thought that ideas will be watered-down. However, watching people enjoy their own faith results in a strengthening of one’s own because of the passion we see in others—we instead become inspired. It also sharpens our own faith, forcing us to figure out exactly what we believe. In college, I took a World Religions class, and the professor’s constant questions to the group made me go inward and explore my beliefs, solidifying them beyond trite answers and clichéd responses.

Myth 3 – It will silence your faith

Nothing gets people of faith talking more than getting together. Why must those involved be all the same faith, then? In inter-faith, people have the opportunity to share the wonderful things that are going on in their lives, making celebrants realize just how great the world can be. It brings about positivity and a desire to fellowship and encourage one another. Joy is joy, no matter from whence it springs. 

Having been to multi-faith services and ceremonies, they are not sacrilegious and godless but are a spiritual time of excitement and camaraderie. (Most fun was a winter solstice ceremony I attended at St. John the Divine in NYC!) It’s a time to break through misconceptions and constructs, giving others a more realistic, encouraging perspective. As mentioned last week, Christians tend to think that they are better than others, but gatherings like this help us to recognize our equal place in the world and a community with others. 

Faith celebrations should not be exclusive. They should be shared not only among fellow Christians but among faithful people, as well. Christ encouraged us to “…let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven” (Matthew 5:16). We have the ability to be that “cookie” complement to others with our light, but if we choose the role of opposition, our light is dimmed. This week, take an active role in your faith and seek out other opportunities to know those who are not of the same faith. Non-Christians are not unbelievers, unfaithful, or immoral—celebrate with them the beliefs you have, even if you don’t always agree. You may even find that there are believers who have more faith than most Christians you know, so enjoy the excitement others have for their faith and use it to embrace and share in that experience with them. 

Amen.

Burying Your Head in a Bible Narrows Your Vision

It may have great ideas, but sticking to one story breeds contempt and ignorance.

Standing in front of a room, I am constantly reading body language to see how well the lesson is going, or isn’t.

The study of body language is a definitive study that leads to real conclusions. It is one of the most helpful sciences in talking to other people, helping us to better understand the needs of others in conversation or public speaking. 

For me, if students are sitting with arms crossed and legs folded, I can tell that they are rejecting what I am saying. If they are leaning forward and sometimes nodding their heads, they are engaged. If they have their eyes closed and heads down, then they are asleep. (See, it’s easy!)

When I am reading these signs, I can easily adjust my lesson to better meet their needs. However, there is one bodily response that one can never change or come back from, one that is easily recognizable and is a death knell for whatever it is you are saying and maybe even for who you are: contempt.

If you ever see someone display a sign of contempt, you’re done. When someone lifts the corner of their upper lip, it is an unmistakable sign that they not only reject what you are saying but who you are. Thankfully, I haven’t run into it too often in the classroom, as there is no coming back from contempt: those who display it always feel that they are better than you.

Although it is cited as a misconception when talking about Christians, my experience in multiple churches has shown me that yes, there are believers who show contempt and feel that they are better than non-believers. They lift the corner of their proverbial upper lift and feel that they are the enlightened ones who know the truth and the way, and thus look down on others who are not. However, in order to combat contempt, let’s first understand why Christians think this way, as it all comes down to narrowmindedness.

Nigerian writer Chimamanda Adichie, in her 2009 TED Talk “The Danger of a Single Story,” discusses how when growing up in Africa, she was only exposed to British and English literature. Although profoundly influenced and moved by those works, she couldn’t connect with any character because she didn’t see herself in any of them. As a result, she thought that literature only contained stories about foreigners, so she had a very narrow view of literature. When exposed to African books, “I went through a mental shift in my perception of literature. I realized that people like me, girls with skin the color of chocolate, whose kinky hair could not form ponytails, could also exist in literature. I started to write about things I recognized.”

Similarly, when she entered college, her roommate was surprised by many of her abilities because she also had been told a single story. “She asked where I had learned to speak English so well, and was confused when I said that Nigeria happened to have English as its official language. She asked if she could listen to what she called my ‘tribal music,’ and was consequently very disappointed when I produced my tape of Mariah Carey.” Because her roommates’ exposure to the single story of “tribal” Africans was all she knew, she had a very narrow view of people from that background.

Christians who read only Christian material are the same in that they are feeding themselves a single story. Ask the average churchgoer to explain the significance of the Jewish Seder plate or list even one of the five pillars of Islam, and you will find blank looks and silence along with contempt for those religions. For the most part, Christians only read the Bible and Christian texts, despite there being a wealth of material lying outside of Christianity from a wide range of religions, philosophies, and lifestyles.

Why do they exclude so many other ideas and stick to their own? Why is there such contempt for anything non-Christian? The reason comes from scripture quoted out of context regarding Christianity and its supposed exclusiveness. For example, Jesus says, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me” (John 14:6). Putting this verse into proper context, Jesus is talking to His disciples and letting them know that by following Him, they may access God. He is God’s vessel, a divine mediator. Many use this verse to show that there is only one way to God, but that message ignores Jesus’s previous teaching about love, compassion, and inclusivity rather than the exclusivity many think this verse suggests. Focusing on this single verse creates a narrow understanding of the Bible’s teaching. Acts 4.12 is similarly used for the same purpose and with the same effect: “Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved.” These words are spoken not by Jesus but by Peter, a secondary source to Christ, so it is not so much a teaching as it is a message to the people in that particular story. Without that context, Christians can bend it to achieve any purpose they want. When Christians use it as a sign of exclusivity, they breed contempt for others outside of their own exclusive circle.

Causally speaking, if Christians believe they are the only way, then they see other religions as false. This narrow-mindedness ignores the fact that Christianity was birthed in a very specific part of the world with the values and vocabulary of that area, and other religions from other regions may have similar ideas but just with different names attached to them. Christians incorrectly see other religions as contradictory to their own, thinking those religions possess no inherent value, which of course is not true. There is a great deal that Christians can learn from other religions regarding meditation, healing, and peace (both inward and outward). Yet because they swallow the misconstrued construct that Christianity is true and everyone else is false, they fail to seek out the personal and societal benefits that other religions and ways of life offer. They do not recognize other’s viewpoints so they cannot develop compassion for them.

If Christians can move beyond thinking that they are special and the only true people of God, perhaps we might find more peace and understanding in the world rather than conflict and war. This week, take yourself down a notch and know that the only person you are better than is who you were yesterday. When you achieve that level of compassion and understanding, you will begin to see others as having equal value, acknowledging that all people have something to offer. Take yourself out of your Bible every once in a while and seek enlightenment through non-traditional, non-Christian means. You are not a bad Christian for understanding other people and cultures: you are just a compassionate one.

Amen.

Artwork courtesy by Paul Brumit