The False Front of Fatherhood, and Other Unmet Needs

Learning to be real with others lets them in and helps meet your increasing needs.

It is rare that our neighbor speaks to us beyond a wave and a smile, so when he approached us to talk, we knew there was something big to share.

“My wife had a baby!” He was thrilled. His son had been born about a month ago to an already packed house that had the three of them along with his parents, but he was beaming with joy from ear to ear. He explained how he is so happy all the time and so much in love with his child. He showed us the goosebumps on his arms as proof. Proud poppa was having his moment.

It then took about 30 seconds for him to start telling us about his frustrations in the night and how the baby wakes them. As anyone who has ever had kids, we are all acutely aware of how difficult a new sleep schedule is when the child won’t sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time. The facade continued to crack and he began to tell us about how he wished his child could talk and share what was wrong when he was crying. We empathized and said that yes, it is difficult because all you want to do is help and they won’t explain what’s wrong.

And then it all started to spill out.

He then went on to explain how hard a time he is having with adjusting to this new lifestyle. He recounted daily fights that he and his wife have over how to treat the child (sleeping on his back, side, in the bed, etc.), fights that his wife and mother are having over who is in charge of raising the child, and statements that he has made to his spouse about how he doesn’t think they are going to make it. It was a big turnaround in tone from the start of the conversation.

As we’ve been there with our own, we let him know that there was no judgment whatsoever from us and that there was nothing wrong with him for feeling this way. We’ve often said that the first 6-8 months of raising a child are absolute hell and that anyone who says it was a joy isn’t remembering it correctly. It tests everyone involved, pushing them to the brink. So, we spent time letting him know that he isn’t alone and that everything he is going through is completely normal. We mentioned that he will make tons of correct and incorrect decisions with raising his son and none of them will make a difference. We encouraged him to take more deep breaths and know that everything they are going through is normal.

At that point, his visage softened and he seemed less uptight and more encouraged. I thought he might  hug us at one point. We invited him to come over any time and just unload or take a break (his wife, too), because we know what it is like. Whether he takes us up on that or not doesn’t matter, as for many just the knowledge that there’s an out is comforting. 

What struck me the most from this conversation was that he had some deep-seated needs that only came to the surface when he was most honest with us. Although a bit on the nose, Paul’s letter to the Ephesians instructs them: “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body” (4.25). I’m not suggesting he was lying when he was explaining how happy he was, but I think he wasn’t being totally honest with us and himself because everyone always says just how amazing having a child is and doesn’t focus on the more difficult aspects. Once we get past putting up that facade of whatever it is we want others to think and feel about ourselves, we then find the courage to express our real needs and allow them to be met by others.

Often, fear of others’ judgment is what stops us from putting our true selves up front for others to see. In class the other day, we discussed what standards we use to define ourselves and how other people play a part in that measuring tool. We brought up social media and how it isn’t a true representation of who we really are because we are so concerned with what other people think of us. Everything we post is a version of our best selves, the ideal that we want others to see, because we don’t want others seeing the cracks in our lives. Even “the real me” pictures are the best ones from a discarded collection. I know enough great looking social media people who are actually deeply insecure emotional messes on the inside—and there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s better to just be honest with everyone.

When we worry about other people’s opinions, we then don’t get our needs met. A friend I grew up with recently took his own life. Up until that point, according to his social media, he was a successful and happy single lawyer. Why he ended his life is a mystery to me because he never let those of us online know what was really going on. If that is any indication, I can only imagine that he may have hid it from those around him, too. Had we known, maybe we might have been able to help.

In Paul’s letter to the Galatians, he wrote about how we should not focus on the approval of others: “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ” (1.10) and again in his letter to the Thessalonians: “We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts” (2.4b). That he harped on it so much indicates the importance of that precept. Why? Most likely because he wants us to “carry each other’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2). However, we can only do that if we know what they are, and that can only be done if we stop worrying about the judgments of others. By working on worrying less about what others think about us and more about getting our needs met, we can better shoulder each others’ difficult burdens and work to get each other over our tremendous struggles.

Amen.

Taking Sincere Stock of Recycled Responses

Being genuine rather than replying with something clichéd taps into the humanity in all of us.

Long story short, my credit card number got stolen.

We noticed it almost immediately, as there was a weird charge for $925 for concert tickets for musical artist “Bad Bunny.” Nothing against Mr. Bunny and his talented entourage, but it’s not something upon which we would be indulging in or attending.

Thankfully, banking organizations are set up with insurance, so we didn’t lose any money ourselves. They just issued us a new card and on our merry way we went. Or so we thought.

Apparently, the computer’s algorithm with our new account got all screwy (that’s a technical designation – don’t argue), and it decided to flag EVERY charge we made with this new card as “suspicious.” Each time this happened, we were forced to go through a process of calling the company and approving the charges, a routine that would take around 10-15 minutes per call. Once or twice for the computer to learn is fine, but by the end of the week, I had called around a dozen times. You can imagine my increasing irateness.

I tried my best to not get angry at the person on the phone because it’s not their fault, but after that many calls to their service center, it was hard to mask my frustration. And what really set me off was the script they followed.

As anyone in the customer service industry knows, there is often a set list of responses that the representative must follow, a flowchart leading them to the right way of not only solving the problem but also deescalating the person on the phone. It’s a handy tool for them, but when I hear the EXACT same sentences EACH time I call, it’s absolutely soul crushing. The person sounds frighteningly machine-like, and I get robotic responses to my human issue.

In response to said roboticism, I then don’t see the person on the other end of the line as human but as a cog in a machine. Thus, it tends to bring out my worst. It escalates me and (although it shouldn’t) gives me license to lash out. And I began to do so.

On one occasion, I began to speak harshly to the representative who was following the script. I asked her if she had any indication as to how many times I had called so far. She said she didn’t. I forced my frustration on her and told her that it was around ten times. At that point, she broke script and said, “Well, I would have burned the card by then.”

It was a comment that caught me off guard. Infused with warmth, as well as compassion, it was a bit of humor that made me chuckle and feel connected to her. It was a moment where I glimpsed her humanity and realized that she empathized. And it made me change my dark tune. She took a chance and it turned me around. My problem still wasn’t solved, but I finally had someone who I felt was listening rather than just giving me stock responses. 

Now, I don’t expect the entire banking system to alter their model of customer approach and let callers improvise their way through a conversation: the results would be disastrous. But it reminded me that, “The soothing tongue is a tree of life” (Proverbs 15:4) and genuine words like her’s, rather than stock ones, develop empathy and compassion. 

We too often kowtow to stock responses, relying on them to get us through a situation, when in fact a genuine expression of emotion is the best and most caring response. Stock responses are crutches when we don’t know what to say. When in a confrontation with my spouse, and I see her anger, I too often fall to the stock three responses of most males: “I’m sorry. You’re right. I love you.” Yes they are true, but they don’t meet her needs. Something more sincere and genuine would most likely be the salve she needs on her wounds.

I attended a wake recently of a former student who died unexpectedly at the age of 26. I remembered him well and was saddened by the loss. Like most wakes, no one really knew what to say, so many relied on the handful of responses they usually have ready.

Paul’s letter to the Philippians tells us to, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” Stock responses meet the needs of the speaker but not the needs of those truly in need. “I’m sorry for your loss” is usually the answer we throw out there as there is frequently nothing easy that can be said at these sorts of things, but honestly, it’s a pointless sentence that only gets us out of uncomfortable situations. I wanted to give the mother some small bit of peace, as she was crying openly, so I just went in and tried to be genuine.

I introduced myself as her son’s former English teacher, and relayed some memories about how he was so expressive and energetic in class, always bringing smiles to those around him. She wept even more and thanked me so much for that kindness. It wasn’t a lot, but it was all I had to give that was sincere. She probably won’t remember me afterwards, and may not remember my words, but that brief break of stock phrases and responses clearly resonated with her and helped her through her grief, even if just for a second or two.

If Paul asks us to “be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble” (1 Peter 3.8), we should look not to dismiss others with stock answers, working to move out of a situation, but to instead take moments to embrace our humanity and respond in authentic ways that help. It can be scary to respond with something not so stock, but reaching out in compassion puts the other person’s needs first. Relying on a human response rather than a stock one may put our comfort last, put it puts people first.

Amen.

Finding Commonality Makes Life Easier to Handle

Realizing that there are others out there like you gives you the strength to stick together.

It’s important to know that you are not alone. It’s something I address with my students on an almost daily basis, as their self-esteem is usually wracked by the thinking that they are the only ones in their situations. 

And it’s not always bad, either. Today, it was a student who is going into a career in animation and feels like no one else shares her passion. She thinks that she’s going into uncharted territory, and as a result, she believes she’s going to fail because no one else has ever done this. I spent time talking with her, letting her know that I actually have about one person every couple of years with that same passion for animation. In fact, one of them had just emailed me and sent me her college junior year animation portfolio, so I shared it with this current student as a means of encouragement. She was ultimately so relieved to know that yes, there are others out there, people who are successful in her chosen profession.

Sometimes it’s a life choice they’ve made, sometimes it’s a problem with their experiences, while other times it’s a personal obstacle they are working to overcome. In all cases, they feel like the only ones and therefore think something is wrong with them. Feeling alone is a natural human emotion. When we feel alone, we become introspective and fearful, which is why the Bible reminds us so often that we are not alone. Psalm 23:4 famously reminds us that,  “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” We need to know that we are not alone so we can continue onward.

When couples fight, they are often at their lowest because they feel deeply alone. They think that their struggles are unique to their relationships, therefore something must be wrong between the two of them. They feel like failures as a result, misunderstanding that what they are experiencing is not common. Deuteronomy tells us to “be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you” (31.6), and it is that knowledge that comforts us. So in an effort to make couples feel less alone, let’s address some of the most common things people fight about.

Sure, there are things I’ve already mentioned like money and how you two spend it, ignored household chores and responsibilities, and attention neglect. But let’s move past those, as we already know they are common, and get to the fights you thought you were the only ones having.

Where you are spending Thanksgiving/Christmas/Mother’s Day/Father’s Day – Chances are, each of the two families has their own traditions, and no matter how you handle it, one of them is getting the short shrift. To NOT go to one of the family’s households, or to not stay at home and celebrate, sometimes sends the message that one person is more important than everyone else. Of course, that is not really the case, as it may come down to practicality or who’s turn it is, but yes, where you spend that important holiday can be a sore subject. And sometimes it can even be about the resentment in needing to spend time with someone they rather would not. And if relatives are visiting you? Ben Franklin said it best: “Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.” 

How often you are having sex – How much each person in the relationship wants sex is often what’s called a “desire discrepancy,” as the amount each desires may differ. In short, one wants it more than the other, so a standoff occurs which sometimes results in a sexless marriage. Frequently attributed to a misunderstanding as to how vast the discrepancy is (it usually isn’t that much, but each party perceives it as such), it can be an issue especially if one party feels much more satisfied with the couple’s intimacy than the other.

Why you ___ so much – Fill in the blank with drink, smoke, vape, eat, play video games, or whatever obsessive behavior is consuming one of you two. It’s a practice that impacts the relationship, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally, with one wishing that the other would stop whatever it is that he or she is repeatedly disapprovingly doing. Even my frequent Pokemon-ing, a harmless activity, can make my wife feel second to a Pikachu. A subgenre of this category is, “Why you are on your phone so much,” with too many of us being tethered to our devices when it should be left on the charger.

Why you are still working – Individuals can be consumed with work to the point that it takes up the entirety of their lives. Work becomes their sole focus, as they are defined not as being someone’s romantic partner but as being a company worker. When we were first married, I was grading endlessly after school and on the weekends, until we both decided that schoolwork stays at school. Hard at first, it separated my two lives and thankfully allowed me to focus on my family instead.

These are just a few common arguments, as there are more, but more importantly, is knowing that we share them. There is strength in numbers, and knowing that you are not alone gives us the inner strength to overcome our most difficult struggles. In King Solomon’s book to the Ecclesiastes, he reinforces this precept: “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (4.12). Hearing that these are common struggles to us all helps us feel a little less alone and allows us to feel a part of a larger group. Knowing that these disagreements are common lets us feel like a part of a larger collective rather than floating alone in a lifeboat on the ocean. 

When you find yourself going through a rough patch with your romantic partner, know that whatever it is you are experiencing is not unique to you. Generations of people have fought the same fight well before you and still stuck together afterwards. Sometimes, that fight can feel like it’s the end of the world, but know that it’s much more common than you think. Learn to feel that connection with people outside of your couplehood and you will feel much more comfortable when the seas get choppy.

Amen.

Picking at Each Other is Death by a Thousand Cuts

Antagonistic attitudes and ornery outlooks are just asking for a troubled relationship.

I try to be as easy-going as possible, but when I get in a mood, any suggestion to help or fix my problem is the wrong answer. In our house, we call it “Mary, Mary quite contrary,” meaning that no matter what someone says as a solution, there’s a reason that ideas won’t work.

For example, let’s say that I need to get work done by a certain time. My wife will try to help by giving me suggestions for how I can maximize my time, consolidate my workload, break up work into sections for efficiency, etc. For each solution she gives me, if I am in a contrarian mood, I will find a reason why each of her solutions wouldn’t work. Hence, the “contrary” nickname. I see it in my son when he hasn’t eaten much, so everything in the world then seems wrong to him. What we don’t realize is that all of our obstacles are internal (his mood and appetite, the proverbial chip on my shoulder) rather than external. 

It’s this type of antagonistic fighting that causes relationships to fall into fights that could have been avoided if one person in the relationship is in full on sabotage mode. Although fighting can be healthy, needlessly picking on each other and egging each other on to start a pointless fight never helps the relationship grow. But Proverbs warns us to, “not make friends with a hot-tempered person, [or] associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared” (22.24-25), what do we do when that person is our partner, the individual we chose to never abandon?

Being able to identify the reasons why we fall into these traps is the initial step. Isolating the cause of this contentiousness helps us prevent self-sabotaging behavior and can reveal solutions for how to deal with ourselves and others when it starts. In addition to obvious triggers like hunger or lack of sleep (which are easily fixed) there are frequently less obvious reasons for our desire to pick on our partners.

You are bored.

Fights can be exciting. It breaks up a monotonous existence with a little chaos and unexpectedness. Sometimes individuals are so tired of the mundane that they start to pick and poke at each other just for the sake of getting a rise out of the other one. It’s a simple and unhealthy way of getting out of a rut and making a connection with the other person, albeit a damaging one. 

You are avoiding.

You probably have bigger issues that need to be discussed and dealt with, so rather than tackle the big things, you end up being petty and picking on each other with the little ones. It’s a shorter, easier path to conflict/resolution instead of looking at what’s really the issue between the two of you.

You want intimacy.

Frequently, picking at the other person is a cry for help for a deeper connection and more attention but don’t really know how to ask for it. A lack of physical intimacy can also trigger this behavior, as one person may not know how to approach the other for this request.

You need attention.

Poking at the other person’s vulnerable spots and being outright ornery is a way to get attention when you are feeling ignored. (I have seen many students who don’t get the attention they crave so they act out as that’s the only attention they can get.) The same goes for our relationships when we don’t feel the other’s gaze enough.

You desire control.

Sometimes people become antagonistic even when things are going well. During that time, they feel out of control and anxious, as if at any moment things will go bad. Picking on the other person gives a certain sense of control because that person is in control of the antagonism.

You have bad habits.

Other times, it’s nothing more than a habit you perpetuate because it’s your go-to default. You have no real reason to fight other than it’s what you’ve always done in the past.

Knowing what’s at root with the other person when they start to pick on you helps a tremendous deal in diagnosing the problem. Once you reveal the cause, you can start to address it practically and help the other person through it. But what about when you yourself are the perpetrator of the picking? What if you’re the one initiating the fights and your partner is helpless to engage in it, combat you, or help you get through it? Taking some steps to deescalate yourself and diffuse your barbs will allow for smoother relationship sailing.

Taking yourself out of the situation by walking away and having a brief time-out could help you reassess and reflect. Sometimes it’s good to just walk away rather than engage and find yourself trapped in that cycle. In Paul’s first letter to Peter, he encourages him to, “not repay evil with evil or insult with insult.” (3.9), and sticking around might lead to that. It doesn’t have to be long, as just a break from the situation makes you readjust your mindset. Writing down your feelings can help to get it out, as we often feel better once it’s no longer inside us. Reflecting on what led you to this spot, or identifying the trigger, also helps bridge the gap between the two of you. 

At that point, you can start to focus more on your partner and your perceptions of them. Give them the benefit of the doubt and assume innocence. Decide if this is a battle worth fighting: too often we pick battles not worth our time. Finally, communicate in a less emotionally damaging way what you are upset or worried about. That offering of your vulnerability and show of needs will allow for compromise and resolution.

Paul’s first letter to the Thessalonians asks that we “make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else” (5.15). Identifying the cause and taking steps towards a solution that doesn’t involve the prodding of each other will lead you towards that striving, putting an end to the goading of each other into a fight. Thoughtfully reflecting upon how you got there and where you are headed will give you the healing steps you need so as to not tear each other down piece by piece but rather to lift each other up a step at a time.

Amen.

The Loving Benefits of a Good Relationship Fight

How much fighting is enough fighting? As long as it’s with love, it’s plenty.

I can sometimes hear it rumbling in the distance—the soft shaking of the ground that means a fight is coming my way. It’s usually a day or two still when I first sense it, but one thing I know: it’s inevitable. 

Knowing that I can’t escape it, I usually try to gird up my defenses and brace for impact, like an incoming missile that can’t be dodged. Yet no matter how much I try to avoid it or prepare for it, nothing can get me ready for when it comes.

The fact that I am able to see the proverbial steam rising is, I suppose, a good thing in that it doesn’t catch me off guard. Yet what I should be most thankful for is that the steam pressure doesn’t settle. Sure, the Bible tells me that “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God” (Matthew 5.9), but does that really mean that not fighting is keeping the peace?

As I’ve mentioned before, fighting is good and important in a relationship, and you see, if that steam pressure is subsiding, then someone is holding it in and squashing it down. If I’ve learned one thing from psychology, it’s this: repression of feelings never solves the issue. So the question to ask isn’t “how can we stop fighting?” but rather “how much is a good amount of fighting?” which means we might need to be fighting more than we are.

In a joint study from the University of Michigan and Penn State University, researchers followed over 1,500 adults for more than a week and tracked the amount of fighting they did. They weren’t so much interested in how often people fought but how people felt as a result of fighting. They discovered that although people did not feel well on the day of the fight, they felt much better the next day, as if getting the fight out of their system and dealing with the issue increased their wellbeing. Consequently, for those who avoided an argument and chose not to engage, they discovered that those people had “diminished psychological well-being and increased cortisol, which can lead to weight gain, mood swings, and trouble sleeping. Short-term gain, long-term pain.” Obviously, not good for their wellbeing. 

Another 2017 study found that couples who did not fight and avoided discussing sticking points in their relationship (money, neglect, possessiveness, and condescension) were less happy in their relationship following the lack of fighting and found that they were less committed to the relationship seven weeks later. So, it would seem that avoiding the fight that lingers in the background is only putting off a conversation vital to the health of the relationship. Choosing to fight is choosing to better the relationship, a gesture of love that reaches out for help.

Just as fighting can be an expression of a desire for love, avoiding a fight thus neglects the relationship’s health. Like water and sunlight to a plant, relationships need warmth and conflict in order to grow; denying a relationship the right to fight squelches the things that are so necessary for its growth. Additionally, dismissing a fight misses out on the opportunity for the relationship to develop and mature. My wife and I might not always be thrilled when we find ourselves in a fight, but we always become better people as a result and grow closer to one another because we now understand each other better. 

Thankfully, there are a lot of other benefits that contribute to the health of the relationship by fighting. Fighting helps you to better understand your partner. Too often, one of the members in the relationship stays silent regarding feelings, and a fight can bring them to the surface, leading the other person to better meet their needs. It also shows where you can make corrections between the two of you, as you might not have otherwise noticed these deficiencies between you both. And, it helps you personally with listening to others and problem-solving in general. Although uncomfortable, choosing fight over flight benefits all parties involved.

Often misinterpreted, Ephesians 4 instructs us as to how we should handle our anger and conflict: “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (26-27). Many see it as the proverbial “Don’t go to bed angry,” yet I suggest it is not so much about not going to sleep in the middle of a fight but is more about holding on to resentment and not expressing it at the right time. Resentment, if not given light, can grow and fester in dark, damp places. Exposing it to the light, although unpleasant at first, helps it wither and die, leaving only healing and maturity in its wake. Sure, we’ve gone to bed a few times steaming at each other (to continue fighting would have just made matters worse), but by the next day, cooler heads prevail and solutions are found because we didn’t neglect our resentment.

Most therapists say that it is common for couples to have disagreements. There’s nothing wrong with you if you do, but there is something wrong with you if you don’t. So how much is enough fighting and how much is too much? There is no real acceptable average for how often is an acceptable amount. Some couples fight just once or twice a month whereas some fight weekly. (However, there are signs that point to an unhealthy relationship if you are fighting almost every day.) In most cases, the fighting is encouraged as long as it stays within the healthy boundaries of what a good relationship fight should look like. (See my past devotionals from this series about handling relationship conflict.)

Fighting has always been portrayed as a sign of a rocky relationship, but the truth is that fighting is healthy, needed, and beneficial. Just because tempers flare and volumes rise, that doesn’t mean love isn’t being expressed along with a desire for a better relationship. Colossians 3.14 tells us, “and over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity,” so we should fight with love for our relationship to grow. Remember, if we didn’t fight in the first place, then we are probably not caring about the relationship. Don’t judge yourself harshly for fighting in your relationship, but allow it to happen so that the two of you might be the best versions of yourselves apart and together.

Amen.

When Stalemate Fights Develop into Relationship Standoffs

Win or lose, it’s a bloodbath. Try hearing instead.

A whistle in the distance…a rolling tumbleweed…squinty eyes…itchy trigger fingers. Looks like we’ve got an old-fashioned standoff! Yeehaw!

My wife said to me the other day that she and I don’t have many actual fights in our relationship but rather we have a variety of standoffs, where each person has his or her own ideas and won’t budge on them. We are two alphas constantly butting heads and refusing to back down.

Hearing those words made me rethink a lot of how we approach each other in conflict. It reframed our disagreements for me, seeing them not as people angry at each other but as individuals strategizing to be heard. It also made me realize that in every fight we have, there is a potential winner and loser, and even when you win, you lose.

Our most recent standoff? We have had a long-standing one in our relationship. The proverbial thorn in our side, where we have each stood our ground firmly and refused to concede.

Apple vs. Samsung.

I have been a die-hard Apple user since iPhone 3. In it for the long haul, I love my iPhone and get a new one every year. It is everything I’ve ever wanted and more. Years ago, my wife dug in her heels with Samsung and only conceded this year when our son switched over to iPhone. (His friends all have one and she wanted to be able to stay in close contact with him—the two opposing services don’t communicate well with each other otherwise.) 

Since then, she has kicked and screamed about her iPhone because it doesn’t do what she wants it to do. So the other night, when she had trouble with it connecting to her car, that standoff came center stage. 

It began as most fights and standoffs do, with an expression of frustration. I tried just listening, but after a few minutes, she didn’t feel heard. (Even though one can be in listening mode, that doesn’t mean the other person feels heard.) You see, she wanted some concession from the lot of us iPhone users, where we would break out of our collective “cult-craze zombie-like acceptance” (her words)  and see the light that Samsung is better.

Now, this all seems silly written down, but remember that standoffs aren’t always about the issue. Often, as I’ve mentioned before, they are about the history between the two parties. When a couple disagrees, it’s about all the other things that the other person has ever done. So, to help recontextualize the stalemate, it’s important to see the other person not as an aggressor but as someone who feels unappreciated. According to relationship therapist Esther Perel, fights bring susceptibilities to the surface and are frequently difficult to solve because both involved parties misunderstand what is at the root of the problem: hurt and vulnerability. Because of this misunderstanding, couples end up having the same fight over and over because each feels vulnerable and not heard. To truly win the argument, couples need to take steps to break the loop. 

The first step is to recontextualize it not as a fight to be won: there is no right or wrong side. The goal is then shifted away from winning and moves towards understanding where the other person is coming from. It becomes much more productive that way as each person starts to retract their alpha horns and back off. In John 13, Christ takes all of the rules of life and boils it down to this: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another” (34-35). Putting love first and winning last achieves this goal.

In addition, don’t try to make your partner see your perspective, as that also creates a push and pull scenario between the two of you. Instead, shift your goals towards understanding the other person’s perspective by examining feelings and experiences. Remember, there is a difference between listening and hearing. I tend to listen, which means I get quiet during a fight. Unfortunately that is perceived as a dismissal, where the other person thinks you are shutting down. Instead, actively listen, where you ask questions that help to shed light on areas that your partner feels you are in the dark about. It’s hard, but Ephesians 4 asks us to “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (2-3). Letting them know that you are actively listening paves a path of love for the both of you to travel together. 

And if you are on the other side and are the one coming in hot with the argument, avoid accusations and judgments on the other person. Frame your issues with how you are feeling and why you feel defensive about an issue. Explaining that you feel attacked rather than accusing the other person of attacking you puts emotions at the center and allows for empathy. Ephesians asks that we “walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (5:2). Avoiding an attack by focusing on how you feel rather than what the other person did allows for that walk. Seeking to find common ground and relating to each other’s feelings also models that love for the other person, and sometimes even persuades them to act likewise. For us, we might still disagree about our phones, but at least we are understanding each other’s emotions and aren’t in a stalemate.

Roaming the romantic wild west and coming across the occasional relationship standoff is a given. Good couples fight, and when they do, it can often lead down the wrong path. Be sure to set that path straight not by framing your argument about who’s right or wrong or how much the other person hurt you, but instead by developing it around your vulnerabilities, the emotions the issue evoked, and how you want to understand the other person’s point of view. In a stalemate, no one wins, but in a relationship framed with empathy, everyone does.

Amen.

Sticking to One Flavor Makes the World Bland

Fear of other religions and their worship styles has Christians missing out on the joy of inter-faith celebrations.

The great philosopher Jerry Seinfeld once hypothesized that the entire world could draw lessons from the delicious dessert pastry known as the black and white cookie. His idea was about the two very different colors/flavors existing on the same plane and working together to make a delicious snack.

“You see, Elaine, the key to eating a black and white cookie is that you wanna get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate….If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.”

Coexistence between two polar opposites of flavor seems like the perfect harmonious allegory for our society. Yet, not everyone sees the cookie that same way, as some see the chocolate and vanilla sides not as complementary flavors but as rival ones. There are some who eat one side first because it is better and then reluctantly eat the other side, not to mention those who throw the whole other side away, uneaten. Like Jerry says, it’s the mix that makes it perfect.

The cookie metaphor of course represents race, but it can also represent our religious landscape, with Christians being one side and non-Christians being the other. Amongst Christians, many tend to stick to their own kind, missing out on the mixing flavor of the world, creating social circles made up of only fellow believers. In college, it was frequently recited to me and others in my Christian circle that we should not get close with those who are not Christians. They cited 2 Corinthians 6:14 as their reference (“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?“), showing us that Christ desired us to not become involved, socially and romantically, with non-believers. I still shudder when I think of those who would self-righteously proclaim this to us on a weekly basis.

What they failed to realize and tended to miss was how Christ himself often hung around with non-believers. His social circle consisted of prostitutes (Luke 7), tax collectors (Matthew 9), and a host of sinners. When entering a town, He never sought out the faithful or synagogue leaders (he usually couldn’t stand those people, actually), but looked for people like Zacchaeus (Luke 19) the chief tax collector, asking to stay at his house. He also looked to socialize with those who were rejected by society, like the Samaritans (John 4). He did not view them as “wicked” but as people who had something to offer, individuals of value.

Believers tend to exemplify this lack of acceptance not only when it comes to non-believers, but more importantly, when it comes to the faithful of other religions. Like the opposite side of the cookie, they see them not as a complement to their own faith but as the polar opposite to it (i.e. – the enemy). To a Christian, engaging with someone Jewish, Buddhist, or Muslim is seemingly unheard of, and when it happens, it’s for the sole purposes of argument and conversion.

A celebration of our commonality as believers rather than a spotlight on our divisions, multi-faith groups feel that they can affect positive change in the world through a sharing of ideas and a collaboration of efforts. Unfortunately, there are common myths that mislead the faithful. 

Myth 1 – You must abandon what you believe

Some of my best friends are people with whom I don’t agree. We have differing philosophies, yet we get along very well, finding what we have in common and contributing those commonalities to a greater good. The same is with multi-faith: once together, many find that they have more in common than not, yet these similarities aren’t explored until people start talking with one another. Multi-faiths frequently begin with an acknowledgement of what people have in common, which is usually a recognition of a higher power that created us and loves us. There are also core character traits shared like dignity, respect, faith, and a desire for worship. Finding common ground creates empathy and understanding between people from differing backgrounds.

Myth 2 – Your faith will weaken

The fear comes from the thought that ideas will be watered-down. However, watching people enjoy their own faith results in a strengthening of one’s own because of the passion we see in others—we instead become inspired. It also sharpens our own faith, forcing us to figure out exactly what we believe. In college, I took a World Religions class, and the professor’s constant questions to the group made me go inward and explore my beliefs, solidifying them beyond trite answers and clichéd responses.

Myth 3 – It will silence your faith

Nothing gets people of faith talking more than getting together. Why must those involved be all the same faith, then? In inter-faith, people have the opportunity to share the wonderful things that are going on in their lives, making celebrants realize just how great the world can be. It brings about positivity and a desire to fellowship and encourage one another. Joy is joy, no matter from whence it springs. 

Having been to multi-faith services and ceremonies, they are not sacrilegious and godless but are a spiritual time of excitement and camaraderie. (Most fun was a winter solstice ceremony I attended at St. John the Divine in NYC!) It’s a time to break through misconceptions and constructs, giving others a more realistic, encouraging perspective. As mentioned last week, Christians tend to think that they are better than others, but gatherings like this help us to recognize our equal place in the world and a community with others. 

Faith celebrations should not be exclusive. They should be shared not only among fellow Christians but among faithful people, as well. Christ encouraged us to “…let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven” (Matthew 5:16). We have the ability to be that “cookie” complement to others with our light, but if we choose the role of opposition, our light is dimmed. This week, take an active role in your faith and seek out other opportunities to know those who are not of the same faith. Non-Christians are not unbelievers, unfaithful, or immoral—celebrate with them the beliefs you have, even if you don’t always agree. You may even find that there are believers who have more faith than most Christians you know, so enjoy the excitement others have for their faith and use it to embrace and share in that experience with them. 

Amen.

Christian In-Fighting Wins the Battle but the Example It Sets Loses the War

When the church shakes your faith rather than steadies it, it’s time to find encouragement elsewhere.

The label “Christian” has been dragged through the mud aplenty all thanks to its very own followers and our confrontational natures with one another.

I’ve seen plenty of it in my years at various churches: in-fighting between members and the splitting of hairs with no side willing to concede. We can’t seem to get along, whether the disagreements are within the church and its people or between various Christian denominations. A time-honored tradition, the only new thing about it is what we are fighting about. 

Right now, the latest in-fighting comes from whether or not gay marriage should be blessed by the church. Despite some movement from Pope Francis in giving blessings to same-sex unions, the Vatican still takes a hard stance about what the definition is of a marriage, suggesting that it is only between a man and a woman. Even just this past weekend, when a Kentucky church gave a blessing to a gay couple, the Vatican responded with a harsh rebuke saying that same-sex couples can be blessed but their marital union cannot. (The Methodist church is currently undergoing a similar split over human sexuality, as well. Personally, this author couldn’t care less about the sexual or marital status of any person, feeling that everyone is deserving of God’s blessing, but I’m not going to get into an argument about it because that would just contribute to the already prevalent problem with the institution: constant disagreement perpetuated by the church’s own people.)

Years ago, wars were started over transubstantiation and consubstantiation, something that almost no one today either cares about or knows what that is. The Filioque controversy was another theological dispute over the phrase “and the Son” in the Nicene Creed, which equated Son and Father, which is again, irrelevant to today. Fighting within the church has broken out over such deeply important topics like the use of icons, the role of free will, and even the size of the chalice in communion. I can imagine that, within time, same-sex union blessing will also be an ersatz discussion.

These fights also go back to the beginning of the church just after Christ’s resurrection. One of the first debates, the apostles raged around the necessity for circumcision. “Certain people came down from Judea to Antioch and were teaching the believers: ‘Unless you are circumcised, according to the custom taught by Moses, you cannot be saved.’ This brought Paul and Barnabas into sharp dispute and debate with them” (Act 15.1-2). Again, this was so important at the time but nowadays, no one is checking that requirement for church membership. As time shows, it’s not so much the topic of debate but the sharp, splintering dissent that Christians have when there is disagreement. Our empathetic-free loveless approach has deeply hurt the Christian name and blackened the church reputation.

What’s really causing our current divide and what we need to pay attention to is the political associations that the evangelical church is making, specifically with them directly connecting themselves to the Republican party. (The choice of party is irrelevant: it’s the fact that a party has been chosen.) As a result of this marriage, church members have been fighting even further about what their political party says rather than loving and serving one another as Christ says. Don’t believe me? Then you haven’t been on social media much.

Like me, you’ve probably found yourself dumbfounded by insipid statements posted online from our Christian brethren that align not with logic or love but with an institution or association. The rule of thumb seems to be that if someone in the political party says it, it must be true. As you might imagine, these postings lead to more dissension and in-fighting in the comments, which leads to unfollowings and unfriendings. Online and in-person, we feel that we can say whatever we want with 100% certainty and confidence and be completely sure that anyone who disagrees with us is uninformed. Our words, debates, and associations are destroying us and our impact as Christians.

The institutions, and members thereof, have forgotten the multitude of verses that stress harmony amongst its followers. In Paul’s letter to the Ephesians he encourages us to, “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (4.3). In his first letter to the Corinthian church, he begged them to get along as he knew what division would cause: “I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another in what you say and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly united in mind and thought” (1.10). And Christ himself called for unity and understanding saying that ”‘Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand” (Matthew 12.25).

It’s all so frustrating as many of us are losing faith in the institution, so where do we go from here? My suggestion is that we look not to the words and statements of faith by its members, avoiding what Christians are saying and posting. Engaging fellow believers on that level only leads to more anger, disagreement, and in-fighting. Instead, we need to look at the actions of believers. We need to go to where Christians are serving rather than speaking.

There is a tremendous amount of Christ-like faith on display all around us and no one needs to say a thing to show it. By going to the streets where people are serving the homeless and needy, looking into the prisons where people are reaching out to the unloved, and seeing the shelters of those in want and watching those who selflessly give of their time and efforts: that is where we see His love on display. The collections taken up, the charitable gifts being given, the time selflessly given up: these places are where we are encouraged by Christ-like faith. Seek them out, and you will find yourself renewed.

It is very easy to be discouraged by fellow Christians and the institution of the church when it is more about message than action. This week, avoid the places where so many gather to argue, whether in-person or virtual. There is nothing to be gained or encouraged by that practice. Instead, look for encouragement in the charity, love, and empathy of believers who devote their time, money, and efforts to helping others. In those places you will find your heart lifted and may even be moved to follow in their actions. Don’t let petty disagreement hijack your faith and instead let the charitable actions of Christians be where you see His love.

Amen.

Know Thy Stressed Self and Put the Pieces Back Together

Being able to identify stress when it happens allows you to move forward and adjust accordingly.

Sure, Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, filled with joy, giving, holiday spirit, and tradition. But it’s also one of the most stressful times of the year, where long lines, holiday traffic, travel, and last minute shopping can dominate the landscape. (I fondly recall one particular pre-dawn shopping spree involving mass rushes for electronics that resulted in my hand getting crushed in a door being shoved by aggressively bargain-happy teenage girls.)

Being that kind of season, I asked the class today, how do you know when you are stressed? Their answers were surprising.

There were many who suffered physical symptoms. A few claimed to break out into hives, sometimes on very specific parts of their bodies. Others said that they resort to nail chewing, sweating, and excessive chest tightness. One even claimed that when she’s stressed her brain feels heavy. Others cited the raging desires that arise within: uncontrollable crying, need for sleep, and overeating. (One was eating while giving me this answer, whereas she said that, indeed yes, she was currently stressed.)

But if it can cause a physical reaction, what exactly is stress? According to the National Institute of Mental Health, stress is “the brain and the body’s response to change, challenge, or demand.” Chemically speaking, there is a physical influx of hormones which is the body’s defense mechanism against danger or harm, and as a result, people’s reactions to those hormones manifest themselves in not just physical but also mental and emotional ways.

Many of those tell-tale signs manifest themselves with an irritability when stressed, that those afflicted people are frequently short on patience and tend to lash out at those around them. As my students agree, stressed people have difficulty focusing on a single task. Their minds are all over the place, and they frequently avoid the tasks at hand by taking on other menial tasks.

Which brings me to this point right now in my day: late at night on a Monday writing something that I should have started much sooner. Stress turns me into a procrastinator.

You see, stress-wise, Mondays for me are the worst. They are jam-packed with meetings, student check-ins, email deluges, weeklong lesson planning, after-school activities, weekend grading, laundry, exercise, and garbage (pick-up is on Tuesdays). I try so hard to reassign these tasks to other days, but nothing works. I dread the demands of my Mondays, and thus I fall into that stress group that is task-averse and avoidance-filled. Hence, I’ve been putting off writing this until the last minute.

Additionally, I’ve also noticed that when I’m stressed, my patience is in short supply. To compensate, I tend to avoid situations where they may be tested. I make my meetings and check-ins to-the-point rather than dragged out, as I know I won’t function well under stretched out meetings. (I also noticed that when I’m stressed, I get super annoyed at people and think that everyone is stupid and wrong in everything they do.)

Yet when I can step outside of myself and identify that I am in fact stressed at that moment, I begin to contextualize my feelings and know that the rest of the world isn’t at fault: it’s probably me. So, I take a breath and avoid too much human interaction. Rather than getting down on my behavior and mental state, knowing who I am and what my limitations are makes me work through my weaknesses and become a better, more productive person as a result.

What is key is the ability to recognize the stress signs for your own self, as that awareness leads to decreased stress and more favorable outcomes. Given that I recognize my Monday mania, I am fully aware of who I become on those days, as I’ve made it a priority to be mindful of who I am when stressed. Knowing my manifestations of stress allows me to adjust accordingly.

Inscribed at the entrance of the Temple of Apollo at Delphi, site of the sacred oracle, are the words “Γνῶθι σαυτόν” (pronounced “Gnothi Seauton”) or “Know Thyself.” A major tenet in Ancient Greek philosophy, the concept was taught by Socrates which asked that individuals be introspective and reflective, searching within oneself for knowledge of who one is. If one is to grow in life, one must “know thyself” in order to pursue wisdom. Even the apostles drew from this concept, as in Paul’s letter to the Colossians, he encourages the members of the church to “Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test?” (13.5). Like the benefits that come with being aware of our own stress and emotions, when the apostles look inward and become aware of the strengths (or lack thereof) with their faith, they can then move out into the world and interact with others in a way that is good and pleasing.

Knowing thyself is the key to mindfulness, too. We are asked to be mindful of who we are and what we are feeling in that particular moment. Being able to search internally and recognize what emotion you are feeling is a great skill as you can then move forward accordingly, finding the most productive and happy path for you. Galatians 6:4-5 asks that “Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load.” Learning to be mindful and emotionally self-aware is a personal responsibility, a task that should be carried by the individual, as when we don’t, we put our negative emotions upon others and become a burden.

The next time you sense yourself becoming stressed, look for how you react to it. Know your emotions and your reactions. Once you learn to observe and recognize the signs, you are then ready to take mindful steps to work accordingly and adjust yourself with mindful actions like breathing, acceptance for yourself and others, and compassion for those in distress. Knowing thyself brings us closer to who God intended for us to grow and become, and by being aware of the manifestations of stress in our life, we can become stronger in our faith and in our worldly interactions without biting the heads off of those around us.

Amen.

Don’t Tell Others How Thankful You Are—Show It

Words are great, but actions solidify your words.

How many times this week did you thank someone? Did you mean it? Or were you just being polite?

The action of thanking someone sometimes gets taken for granted, where we have it at the ready regardless of how we feel and issue it without really thinking about it or sincerely meaning it. Additionally, we too often thank someone only with our words. Are we ready to proverbially put our money where our mouth is?

At this time of year, rather than writing a devotional, I usually find a prayer of Thanksgiving to express our gratitude. This year, I am doing something different: rather than giving words to show Thanksgiving, I am providing examples of ways to show Thanksgiving with a charge to my readers to implement some of them. In John’s 1st letter, he instructs fellow believers to not just speak our feelings of care, but to reveal them in our actions: “Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth” (1 John 3:18). To bring this concept to life, the following is a list from the blog TinyBuddha.com of ways you can express the thanks you feel rather than just saying it.

Show Gratitude to People Who Love You

1. Share a specific example of something they did for you and how it made a difference in your life.
2. Do something little but thoughtful for them—like clean up after Thanksgiving dinner!
3. Give a long, intimate hug; or if you know they don’t like hugs, stick out your hand for a handshake to cater to their preferences and make them smile.
4. Tell them you’re there if they have anything they want to talk about—and let them know they have your full attention.
5. Give them something of yours that you think they would enjoy, and let them know specifically why you want them to have it.
6. Invite them to do something you know they’ve always wanted to do.
7. Encourage them to try something you know they want to try, but haven’t yet because they’re scared.
8. Offer to do something you know they don’t enjoy doing, like organizing their closet or mowing their lawn.
9. Compliment them on a talent, skill, or strength that you admire.
10. Look them straight in the eyes and say, “You make the world a better place.”

Show Gratitude to People Who Challenge You

11. Fully listen to what they have to say instead of forming your rebuttal in your head and waiting to speak.
12. Thank them for introducing you to a new way to look at things, even if you still don’t agree.
13. Pinpoint something you admire about their commitment to their beliefs—even if you don’t hold them, as well.
14. Resist the urge to tell them they’re wrong.
15. Challenge them right back to be the best they can be, with love and positive intentions.
16. If they inspired you to push outside your comfort zone, thank them for inspiring you to take a risk, and let them know how it paid off.
17. Write a blog post about how they helped you see things differently and dedicate it to them.
18. Use the lesson this person teaches you through your interactions, whether it’s patience, compassion, or courage.
19. Introduce them to someone who may challenge them and help them grow, as they’ve done for you.
20. Let them know how you appreciate when they challenge you in a loving, non-confrontational way—and if they don’t do that, be calm and kind when you ask them to do that going forward.

Show Gratitude to People Who Serve You

21. Give a larger tip than usual.
22. If they have a tip jar, include a thoughtful note of appreciation along with your coins or bills.
23. Smile when you order or enlist their assistance. Smiles are contagious, so give one away!
24. If they serve you regularly, acknowledge something they always do well—like work efficiently or stay calm under pressure.
25. Exhibit patience, even if you’re in a hurry.
26. Let their superior know they do an outstanding job.
27. Keep their workplace clean—for example, at a coffee shop, clean up after yourself at the sugar stand.
28. Offer to get a coffee for them, if it’s someone working in or outside your home.
29. If you have their contact information, send an email of appreciation—and let them know you just wanted to express your gratitude, so they don’t need to write back.
30. Praise them in a review on Yelp and/or recommend them to people you know.

Show Gratitude to People Who Work with You

31. Write a hand-written thank you note, acknowledging things you value about them and their work.
32. Offer to lighten their workload in some way if you are able.
33. Bring back lunch for them if you know they’re working hard and likely haven’t had a chance to grab something.
34. If you’re running a meeting, keep it short to show them you appreciate and respect their time.
35. Ask them about their lives instead of always being all business. This doesn’t mean you need to pry into personal matters; it just means showing an interest in who they are as people.
36. Be the calm, light voice in a stressful situation.
37. Give them flowers to brighten their desk.
38. Let their boss know how they’re doing a great job and contributing to the company.
39. Listen fully if they’re having a difficult day, and recognize if they need space to figure things out on their own, not advice or help.
40. Remember that little things can make a big difference!

Show Gratitude for Yourself

41. Make a list of ways you’ve impressed yourself lately.
42. Treat yourself to something you enjoy, like a pedicure or a massage.
43. If someone compliments you, thank them and let them know you’re proud of that skill, talent, or accomplishment.
44. Compliment yourself—say it while looking in the mirror, write it in a journal, or jot it on a sticky note and put it on your refrigerator.
45. Give yourself time to enjoy a passion you’re sometimes too busy to fit in.
46. Take an inventory of all the good things you’ve done for other people and the world.
47. Write yourself a love letter. Seriously, start with “Dear Lori” (but insert your own name) and describe all the things you admire about yourself.
48. Let go of any conditions you have for being kind to yourself—meaning you appreciate yourself even if you didn’t accomplish or do anything specific.
49. Schedule a date with yourself—an afternoon or evening that’s all about you.
50. Share the beauty that is you with the people around you, knowing they’re fortunate to have you in their lives.

Don’t let thankfulness be merely a collection of words for you, but let it be apparent in every action you put forth. James, the brother of Jesus, wrote: “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says” (1:22). Find ways to show thankfulness this holiday season rather than letting it be just a polite saying.

I am thankful to have you in my life, so I dedicate this devotional to you.

Amen.