Why are you having the same messy fight over and over? You aren’t approaching it from the right angle.
“For the last 30 years, you haven’t gotten this right!” is a sentence I’ve heard a few too many times.
Despite our best efforts to break some fighting cycles, like many we tend to return to the same fight again and again in our relationship. Yes, as I’ve mentioned, fighting is good for a couple. It clears the air between you two and lets you both know how the other feels: it makes sure that no one is holding anything in and building up steam. But what happens when the two of you keep returning to the same fight again and again, seemingly getting nowhere with it?
There are many reasons people keep having the same fight because one party does not feel that the issue has ever been resolved. Why not? Well, first let’s classify them into two categories: solvable and unsolvable.
Solvable
I read of a mom whose children would leave wet towels on the floor after a shower and then use a new towel because theirs was wet. She tried reasoning with them to not take new towels and hang up the ones they used after showering and reuse it next time. She explained how it disrespected her, wreaked havoc on the environment and her laundry, and even tried punishments by taking away cell phones and gaming systems. Nothing worked. Finally, someone suggested that she hide the new towels so they were forced to use the old one even if it was wet. With the cunning of Jacob pretending to be his brother Esau, she solved her problem and her kids eventually learned to hang the wet towels up.
Seems easy enough to solve, but it was a repeated conflict. Why? As she claims, it is because she was more concerned with being correct than being effective. The triggered behaviors from those wet towels clouded her thinking and she mislabeled her children’s actions as intentionally hurtful. She also realized that this mislabeling was linked to childhood baggage, which caused her to want to win the fight rather than create an effective solution.
Learning to think clearly in a repeating conflict often leads to one of two situations: you find an effective solution or you let go of the issue. For example, my son’s friends are constantly over our house. I love it: it’s a lot of cacophony and chaos as they shoot basketball, film TikTok videos, conquer video games, and design forts out of our TV room. While here, we also feed them, which gets very expensive. I’ve been lamenting the fact that none of these parents ever offer to pitch in with the cost or have the kids over their house to feed them. My resentment grew until I adjusted my thinking and realized that they are not intentionally making this decision. In fact, I realized that they view us as well-off and can easily afford these things because we do it so frequently and easily. Although we are not rich by far, we can afford these things and I’m grateful that I can provide great memories for my son’s childhood. Proverbs helped me learn that, “starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out” (17.14). So, I’ve been able to let this perpetual issue go once I reframed it in my mind, and I now find my mood happier and more at peace. Again, reframing thinking helped to solve the perpetual problem.
Unsolvable
Then there are the perpetual unsolvable problems, the ones where you and your partner are gridlocked, cannot seem to reconcile, and no reframing of mind leads to either a solution or a release of the issue. These are issues where each person feels that they are spinning their proverbial wheels and can’t come to a consensus as to how to appease both parties. For these, we need to get to the heart of why this issue consistently rears its ugly head to figure out how to handle it:
- The argument may be an indication of a deeper issue. It’s not just about dishes and laundry, it’s about feeling supported. Have both people find out what this fight is really about and tackle it from there.
- Expectations may not be accurate. One person may be unreasonable as to what they want from the other. Checking with other people outside of the relationship helps set the standard for what is reasonable.
- Your memories of the past are your trigger. You may be reminded of past problems you had with someone else that you fear will manifest themselves in this new person. Past failures and issues sometimes create insecurities in present relationships.
Learning what is at heart in these gridlocked issues sometimes helps remove fuel from the fire. Proverbs explains that “without wood a fire goes out; without a gossip a quarrel dies down” (26.20) You may not be able to solve it, but when you discover the origin of the argument, you learn to slowly take away what stokes it.
Once you can figure out the root of the argument, there are some key character traits to employ that will lead to resolving it, keeping you from repeating the same issues. Patience is one of them. When something is broken in our life, we are used to fixing it quickly. A leaky pipe brings in a plumber, an appliance breaks and you get a new one. Relationships aren’t quite as easy, as they take time to fix. It won’t happen overnight, so don’t expect it to, but a commitment to fixing it goes a long way to healing. The other trait is honesty, not only with your partner but with yourself. Learn to self-examine and be open about what is bothering you and what lies at the heart of the issue. This analysis will lead you to manage the argument and better handle yourself and your partner.
Paul’s second letter to Timothy encourages us away from the solvable arguments and beyond the unsolvable ones: “Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful” (2.23-24). It takes great effort and patience, but it is well worth the time to give towards introspection given the amount of effort often put towards repeating arguments. Taking the time to categorize your issues as solvable or unsolvable, and then taking steps to either find solutions or healing, will break the cyclical arguments that divide you and your partner and will lead to a more peaceful relationship.
Amen.
Pebbles in the Well 