Antagonistic attitudes and ornery outlooks are just asking for a troubled relationship.
I try to be as easy-going as possible, but when I get in a mood, any suggestion to help or fix my problem is the wrong answer. In our house, we call it “Mary, Mary quite contrary,” meaning that no matter what someone says as a solution, there’s a reason that ideas won’t work.
For example, let’s say that I need to get work done by a certain time. My wife will try to help by giving me suggestions for how I can maximize my time, consolidate my workload, break up work into sections for efficiency, etc. For each solution she gives me, if I am in a contrarian mood, I will find a reason why each of her solutions wouldn’t work. Hence, the “contrary” nickname. I see it in my son when he hasn’t eaten much, so everything in the world then seems wrong to him. What we don’t realize is that all of our obstacles are internal (his mood and appetite, the proverbial chip on my shoulder) rather than external.
It’s this type of antagonistic fighting that causes relationships to fall into fights that could have been avoided if one person in the relationship is in full on sabotage mode. Although fighting can be healthy, needlessly picking on each other and egging each other on to start a pointless fight never helps the relationship grow. But Proverbs warns us to, “not make friends with a hot-tempered person, [or] associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared” (22.24-25), what do we do when that person is our partner, the individual we chose to never abandon?
Being able to identify the reasons why we fall into these traps is the initial step. Isolating the cause of this contentiousness helps us prevent self-sabotaging behavior and can reveal solutions for how to deal with ourselves and others when it starts. In addition to obvious triggers like hunger or lack of sleep (which are easily fixed) there are frequently less obvious reasons for our desire to pick on our partners.
You are bored.
Fights can be exciting. It breaks up a monotonous existence with a little chaos and unexpectedness. Sometimes individuals are so tired of the mundane that they start to pick and poke at each other just for the sake of getting a rise out of the other one. It’s a simple and unhealthy way of getting out of a rut and making a connection with the other person, albeit a damaging one.
You are avoiding.
You probably have bigger issues that need to be discussed and dealt with, so rather than tackle the big things, you end up being petty and picking on each other with the little ones. It’s a shorter, easier path to conflict/resolution instead of looking at what’s really the issue between the two of you.
You want intimacy.
Frequently, picking at the other person is a cry for help for a deeper connection and more attention but don’t really know how to ask for it. A lack of physical intimacy can also trigger this behavior, as one person may not know how to approach the other for this request.
You need attention.
Poking at the other person’s vulnerable spots and being outright ornery is a way to get attention when you are feeling ignored. (I have seen many students who don’t get the attention they crave so they act out as that’s the only attention they can get.) The same goes for our relationships when we don’t feel the other’s gaze enough.
You desire control.
Sometimes people become antagonistic even when things are going well. During that time, they feel out of control and anxious, as if at any moment things will go bad. Picking on the other person gives a certain sense of control because that person is in control of the antagonism.
You have bad habits.
Other times, it’s nothing more than a habit you perpetuate because it’s your go-to default. You have no real reason to fight other than it’s what you’ve always done in the past.
Knowing what’s at root with the other person when they start to pick on you helps a tremendous deal in diagnosing the problem. Once you reveal the cause, you can start to address it practically and help the other person through it. But what about when you yourself are the perpetrator of the picking? What if you’re the one initiating the fights and your partner is helpless to engage in it, combat you, or help you get through it? Taking some steps to deescalate yourself and diffuse your barbs will allow for smoother relationship sailing.
Taking yourself out of the situation by walking away and having a brief time-out could help you reassess and reflect. Sometimes it’s good to just walk away rather than engage and find yourself trapped in that cycle. In Paul’s first letter to Peter, he encourages him to, “not repay evil with evil or insult with insult.” (3.9), and sticking around might lead to that. It doesn’t have to be long, as just a break from the situation makes you readjust your mindset. Writing down your feelings can help to get it out, as we often feel better once it’s no longer inside us. Reflecting on what led you to this spot, or identifying the trigger, also helps bridge the gap between the two of you.
At that point, you can start to focus more on your partner and your perceptions of them. Give them the benefit of the doubt and assume innocence. Decide if this is a battle worth fighting: too often we pick battles not worth our time. Finally, communicate in a less emotionally damaging way what you are upset or worried about. That offering of your vulnerability and show of needs will allow for compromise and resolution.
Paul’s first letter to the Thessalonians asks that we “make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else” (5.15). Identifying the cause and taking steps towards a solution that doesn’t involve the prodding of each other will lead you towards that striving, putting an end to the goading of each other into a fight. Thoughtfully reflecting upon how you got there and where you are headed will give you the healing steps you need so as to not tear each other down piece by piece but rather to lift each other up a step at a time.
Amen.
Pebbles in the Well 