Learning to be real with others lets them in and helps meet your increasing needs.
It is rare that our neighbor speaks to us beyond a wave and a smile, so when he approached us to talk, we knew there was something big to share.
“My wife had a baby!” He was thrilled. His son had been born about a month ago to an already packed house that had the three of them along with his parents, but he was beaming with joy from ear to ear. He explained how he is so happy all the time and so much in love with his child. He showed us the goosebumps on his arms as proof. Proud poppa was having his moment.
It then took about 30 seconds for him to start telling us about his frustrations in the night and how the baby wakes them. As anyone who has ever had kids, we are all acutely aware of how difficult a new sleep schedule is when the child won’t sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time. The facade continued to crack and he began to tell us about how he wished his child could talk and share what was wrong when he was crying. We empathized and said that yes, it is difficult because all you want to do is help and they won’t explain what’s wrong.
And then it all started to spill out.
He then went on to explain how hard a time he is having with adjusting to this new lifestyle. He recounted daily fights that he and his wife have over how to treat the child (sleeping on his back, side, in the bed, etc.), fights that his wife and mother are having over who is in charge of raising the child, and statements that he has made to his spouse about how he doesn’t think they are going to make it. It was a big turnaround in tone from the start of the conversation.
As we’ve been there with our own, we let him know that there was no judgment whatsoever from us and that there was nothing wrong with him for feeling this way. We’ve often said that the first 6-8 months of raising a child are absolute hell and that anyone who says it was a joy isn’t remembering it correctly. It tests everyone involved, pushing them to the brink. So, we spent time letting him know that he isn’t alone and that everything he is going through is completely normal. We mentioned that he will make tons of correct and incorrect decisions with raising his son and none of them will make a difference. We encouraged him to take more deep breaths and know that everything they are going through is normal.
At that point, his visage softened and he seemed less uptight and more encouraged. I thought he might hug us at one point. We invited him to come over any time and just unload or take a break (his wife, too), because we know what it is like. Whether he takes us up on that or not doesn’t matter, as for many just the knowledge that there’s an out is comforting.
What struck me the most from this conversation was that he had some deep-seated needs that only came to the surface when he was most honest with us. Although a bit on the nose, Paul’s letter to the Ephesians instructs them: “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body” (4.25). I’m not suggesting he was lying when he was explaining how happy he was, but I think he wasn’t being totally honest with us and himself because everyone always says just how amazing having a child is and doesn’t focus on the more difficult aspects. Once we get past putting up that facade of whatever it is we want others to think and feel about ourselves, we then find the courage to express our real needs and allow them to be met by others.
Often, fear of others’ judgment is what stops us from putting our true selves up front for others to see. In class the other day, we discussed what standards we use to define ourselves and how other people play a part in that measuring tool. We brought up social media and how it isn’t a true representation of who we really are because we are so concerned with what other people think of us. Everything we post is a version of our best selves, the ideal that we want others to see, because we don’t want others seeing the cracks in our lives. Even “the real me” pictures are the best ones from a discarded collection. I know enough great looking social media people who are actually deeply insecure emotional messes on the inside—and there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s better to just be honest with everyone.
When we worry about other people’s opinions, we then don’t get our needs met. A friend I grew up with recently took his own life. Up until that point, according to his social media, he was a successful and happy single lawyer. Why he ended his life is a mystery to me because he never let those of us online know what was really going on. If that is any indication, I can only imagine that he may have hid it from those around him, too. Had we known, maybe we might have been able to help.
In Paul’s letter to the Galatians, he wrote about how we should not focus on the approval of others: “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ” (1.10) and again in his letter to the Thessalonians: “We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts” (2.4b). That he harped on it so much indicates the importance of that precept. Why? Most likely because he wants us to “carry each other’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2). However, we can only do that if we know what they are, and that can only be done if we stop worrying about the judgments of others. By working on worrying less about what others think about us and more about getting our needs met, we can better shoulder each others’ difficult burdens and work to get each other over our tremendous struggles.
Amen.
Pebbles in the Well 