The False Front of Fatherhood, and Other Unmet Needs

Learning to be real with others lets them in and helps meet your increasing needs.

It is rare that our neighbor speaks to us beyond a wave and a smile, so when he approached us to talk, we knew there was something big to share.

“My wife had a baby!” He was thrilled. His son had been born about a month ago to an already packed house that had the three of them along with his parents, but he was beaming with joy from ear to ear. He explained how he is so happy all the time and so much in love with his child. He showed us the goosebumps on his arms as proof. Proud poppa was having his moment.

It then took about 30 seconds for him to start telling us about his frustrations in the night and how the baby wakes them. As anyone who has ever had kids, we are all acutely aware of how difficult a new sleep schedule is when the child won’t sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time. The facade continued to crack and he began to tell us about how he wished his child could talk and share what was wrong when he was crying. We empathized and said that yes, it is difficult because all you want to do is help and they won’t explain what’s wrong.

And then it all started to spill out.

He then went on to explain how hard a time he is having with adjusting to this new lifestyle. He recounted daily fights that he and his wife have over how to treat the child (sleeping on his back, side, in the bed, etc.), fights that his wife and mother are having over who is in charge of raising the child, and statements that he has made to his spouse about how he doesn’t think they are going to make it. It was a big turnaround in tone from the start of the conversation.

As we’ve been there with our own, we let him know that there was no judgment whatsoever from us and that there was nothing wrong with him for feeling this way. We’ve often said that the first 6-8 months of raising a child are absolute hell and that anyone who says it was a joy isn’t remembering it correctly. It tests everyone involved, pushing them to the brink. So, we spent time letting him know that he isn’t alone and that everything he is going through is completely normal. We mentioned that he will make tons of correct and incorrect decisions with raising his son and none of them will make a difference. We encouraged him to take more deep breaths and know that everything they are going through is normal.

At that point, his visage softened and he seemed less uptight and more encouraged. I thought he might  hug us at one point. We invited him to come over any time and just unload or take a break (his wife, too), because we know what it is like. Whether he takes us up on that or not doesn’t matter, as for many just the knowledge that there’s an out is comforting. 

What struck me the most from this conversation was that he had some deep-seated needs that only came to the surface when he was most honest with us. Although a bit on the nose, Paul’s letter to the Ephesians instructs them: “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body” (4.25). I’m not suggesting he was lying when he was explaining how happy he was, but I think he wasn’t being totally honest with us and himself because everyone always says just how amazing having a child is and doesn’t focus on the more difficult aspects. Once we get past putting up that facade of whatever it is we want others to think and feel about ourselves, we then find the courage to express our real needs and allow them to be met by others.

Often, fear of others’ judgment is what stops us from putting our true selves up front for others to see. In class the other day, we discussed what standards we use to define ourselves and how other people play a part in that measuring tool. We brought up social media and how it isn’t a true representation of who we really are because we are so concerned with what other people think of us. Everything we post is a version of our best selves, the ideal that we want others to see, because we don’t want others seeing the cracks in our lives. Even “the real me” pictures are the best ones from a discarded collection. I know enough great looking social media people who are actually deeply insecure emotional messes on the inside—and there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s better to just be honest with everyone.

When we worry about other people’s opinions, we then don’t get our needs met. A friend I grew up with recently took his own life. Up until that point, according to his social media, he was a successful and happy single lawyer. Why he ended his life is a mystery to me because he never let those of us online know what was really going on. If that is any indication, I can only imagine that he may have hid it from those around him, too. Had we known, maybe we might have been able to help.

In Paul’s letter to the Galatians, he wrote about how we should not focus on the approval of others: “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ” (1.10) and again in his letter to the Thessalonians: “We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts” (2.4b). That he harped on it so much indicates the importance of that precept. Why? Most likely because he wants us to “carry each other’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2). However, we can only do that if we know what they are, and that can only be done if we stop worrying about the judgments of others. By working on worrying less about what others think about us and more about getting our needs met, we can better shoulder each others’ difficult burdens and work to get each other over our tremendous struggles.

Amen.

Picking at Each Other is Death by a Thousand Cuts

Antagonistic attitudes and ornery outlooks are just asking for a troubled relationship.

I try to be as easy-going as possible, but when I get in a mood, any suggestion to help or fix my problem is the wrong answer. In our house, we call it “Mary, Mary quite contrary,” meaning that no matter what someone says as a solution, there’s a reason that ideas won’t work.

For example, let’s say that I need to get work done by a certain time. My wife will try to help by giving me suggestions for how I can maximize my time, consolidate my workload, break up work into sections for efficiency, etc. For each solution she gives me, if I am in a contrarian mood, I will find a reason why each of her solutions wouldn’t work. Hence, the “contrary” nickname. I see it in my son when he hasn’t eaten much, so everything in the world then seems wrong to him. What we don’t realize is that all of our obstacles are internal (his mood and appetite, the proverbial chip on my shoulder) rather than external. 

It’s this type of antagonistic fighting that causes relationships to fall into fights that could have been avoided if one person in the relationship is in full on sabotage mode. Although fighting can be healthy, needlessly picking on each other and egging each other on to start a pointless fight never helps the relationship grow. But Proverbs warns us to, “not make friends with a hot-tempered person, [or] associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared” (22.24-25), what do we do when that person is our partner, the individual we chose to never abandon?

Being able to identify the reasons why we fall into these traps is the initial step. Isolating the cause of this contentiousness helps us prevent self-sabotaging behavior and can reveal solutions for how to deal with ourselves and others when it starts. In addition to obvious triggers like hunger or lack of sleep (which are easily fixed) there are frequently less obvious reasons for our desire to pick on our partners.

You are bored.

Fights can be exciting. It breaks up a monotonous existence with a little chaos and unexpectedness. Sometimes individuals are so tired of the mundane that they start to pick and poke at each other just for the sake of getting a rise out of the other one. It’s a simple and unhealthy way of getting out of a rut and making a connection with the other person, albeit a damaging one. 

You are avoiding.

You probably have bigger issues that need to be discussed and dealt with, so rather than tackle the big things, you end up being petty and picking on each other with the little ones. It’s a shorter, easier path to conflict/resolution instead of looking at what’s really the issue between the two of you.

You want intimacy.

Frequently, picking at the other person is a cry for help for a deeper connection and more attention but don’t really know how to ask for it. A lack of physical intimacy can also trigger this behavior, as one person may not know how to approach the other for this request.

You need attention.

Poking at the other person’s vulnerable spots and being outright ornery is a way to get attention when you are feeling ignored. (I have seen many students who don’t get the attention they crave so they act out as that’s the only attention they can get.) The same goes for our relationships when we don’t feel the other’s gaze enough.

You desire control.

Sometimes people become antagonistic even when things are going well. During that time, they feel out of control and anxious, as if at any moment things will go bad. Picking on the other person gives a certain sense of control because that person is in control of the antagonism.

You have bad habits.

Other times, it’s nothing more than a habit you perpetuate because it’s your go-to default. You have no real reason to fight other than it’s what you’ve always done in the past.

Knowing what’s at root with the other person when they start to pick on you helps a tremendous deal in diagnosing the problem. Once you reveal the cause, you can start to address it practically and help the other person through it. But what about when you yourself are the perpetrator of the picking? What if you’re the one initiating the fights and your partner is helpless to engage in it, combat you, or help you get through it? Taking some steps to deescalate yourself and diffuse your barbs will allow for smoother relationship sailing.

Taking yourself out of the situation by walking away and having a brief time-out could help you reassess and reflect. Sometimes it’s good to just walk away rather than engage and find yourself trapped in that cycle. In Paul’s first letter to Peter, he encourages him to, “not repay evil with evil or insult with insult.” (3.9), and sticking around might lead to that. It doesn’t have to be long, as just a break from the situation makes you readjust your mindset. Writing down your feelings can help to get it out, as we often feel better once it’s no longer inside us. Reflecting on what led you to this spot, or identifying the trigger, also helps bridge the gap between the two of you. 

At that point, you can start to focus more on your partner and your perceptions of them. Give them the benefit of the doubt and assume innocence. Decide if this is a battle worth fighting: too often we pick battles not worth our time. Finally, communicate in a less emotionally damaging way what you are upset or worried about. That offering of your vulnerability and show of needs will allow for compromise and resolution.

Paul’s first letter to the Thessalonians asks that we “make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else” (5.15). Identifying the cause and taking steps towards a solution that doesn’t involve the prodding of each other will lead you towards that striving, putting an end to the goading of each other into a fight. Thoughtfully reflecting upon how you got there and where you are headed will give you the healing steps you need so as to not tear each other down piece by piece but rather to lift each other up a step at a time.

Amen.

When Stalemate Fights Develop into Relationship Standoffs

Win or lose, it’s a bloodbath. Try hearing instead.

A whistle in the distance…a rolling tumbleweed…squinty eyes…itchy trigger fingers. Looks like we’ve got an old-fashioned standoff! Yeehaw!

My wife said to me the other day that she and I don’t have many actual fights in our relationship but rather we have a variety of standoffs, where each person has his or her own ideas and won’t budge on them. We are two alphas constantly butting heads and refusing to back down.

Hearing those words made me rethink a lot of how we approach each other in conflict. It reframed our disagreements for me, seeing them not as people angry at each other but as individuals strategizing to be heard. It also made me realize that in every fight we have, there is a potential winner and loser, and even when you win, you lose.

Our most recent standoff? We have had a long-standing one in our relationship. The proverbial thorn in our side, where we have each stood our ground firmly and refused to concede.

Apple vs. Samsung.

I have been a die-hard Apple user since iPhone 3. In it for the long haul, I love my iPhone and get a new one every year. It is everything I’ve ever wanted and more. Years ago, my wife dug in her heels with Samsung and only conceded this year when our son switched over to iPhone. (His friends all have one and she wanted to be able to stay in close contact with him—the two opposing services don’t communicate well with each other otherwise.) 

Since then, she has kicked and screamed about her iPhone because it doesn’t do what she wants it to do. So the other night, when she had trouble with it connecting to her car, that standoff came center stage. 

It began as most fights and standoffs do, with an expression of frustration. I tried just listening, but after a few minutes, she didn’t feel heard. (Even though one can be in listening mode, that doesn’t mean the other person feels heard.) You see, she wanted some concession from the lot of us iPhone users, where we would break out of our collective “cult-craze zombie-like acceptance” (her words)  and see the light that Samsung is better.

Now, this all seems silly written down, but remember that standoffs aren’t always about the issue. Often, as I’ve mentioned before, they are about the history between the two parties. When a couple disagrees, it’s about all the other things that the other person has ever done. So, to help recontextualize the stalemate, it’s important to see the other person not as an aggressor but as someone who feels unappreciated. According to relationship therapist Esther Perel, fights bring susceptibilities to the surface and are frequently difficult to solve because both involved parties misunderstand what is at the root of the problem: hurt and vulnerability. Because of this misunderstanding, couples end up having the same fight over and over because each feels vulnerable and not heard. To truly win the argument, couples need to take steps to break the loop. 

The first step is to recontextualize it not as a fight to be won: there is no right or wrong side. The goal is then shifted away from winning and moves towards understanding where the other person is coming from. It becomes much more productive that way as each person starts to retract their alpha horns and back off. In John 13, Christ takes all of the rules of life and boils it down to this: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another” (34-35). Putting love first and winning last achieves this goal.

In addition, don’t try to make your partner see your perspective, as that also creates a push and pull scenario between the two of you. Instead, shift your goals towards understanding the other person’s perspective by examining feelings and experiences. Remember, there is a difference between listening and hearing. I tend to listen, which means I get quiet during a fight. Unfortunately that is perceived as a dismissal, where the other person thinks you are shutting down. Instead, actively listen, where you ask questions that help to shed light on areas that your partner feels you are in the dark about. It’s hard, but Ephesians 4 asks us to “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (2-3). Letting them know that you are actively listening paves a path of love for the both of you to travel together. 

And if you are on the other side and are the one coming in hot with the argument, avoid accusations and judgments on the other person. Frame your issues with how you are feeling and why you feel defensive about an issue. Explaining that you feel attacked rather than accusing the other person of attacking you puts emotions at the center and allows for empathy. Ephesians asks that we “walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (5:2). Avoiding an attack by focusing on how you feel rather than what the other person did allows for that walk. Seeking to find common ground and relating to each other’s feelings also models that love for the other person, and sometimes even persuades them to act likewise. For us, we might still disagree about our phones, but at least we are understanding each other’s emotions and aren’t in a stalemate.

Roaming the romantic wild west and coming across the occasional relationship standoff is a given. Good couples fight, and when they do, it can often lead down the wrong path. Be sure to set that path straight not by framing your argument about who’s right or wrong or how much the other person hurt you, but instead by developing it around your vulnerabilities, the emotions the issue evoked, and how you want to understand the other person’s point of view. In a stalemate, no one wins, but in a relationship framed with empathy, everyone does.

Amen.

Ugly Dismissiveness in Relationship Fighting

Refusing to engage with the other in a fight causes more harm than healing.

Although unpleasant, undesired, and unliked, I’m glad my wife and I fight.

We’ve had some tough ones, too, where tempers rose and frustration peaked. In fact, just yesterday, she approached me with valid concerns and frustrations. (It wasn’t received well, either. I’ll get into that in a minute.) Yet, despite the difficult experiences, I’m glad we fought as fighting is good for couples.

The reason I’m glad is because the real problem is when couples DON’T fight. When words are not exchanged and people don’t engage in conflict in a relationship, it’s because someone is holding it all in. When fights don’t happen, it’s because someone is deeply unhappy and isn’t expressing it, either because the other person is dominating the relationship to the point where the unhappy one is quiet or they don’t know how to express their frustrations. What happens then is that the displeased party becomes so unhappy as a result of bottling it up over a long time, that it finally explodes, manifesting itself with an extreme gesture like an affair or a divorce. When that happens, the other person usually doesn’t see it coming.

This approach of quietude falls under the large umbrella of dismissive behavior, where one person works actively to emotionally shut down the other. One of the most destructive individuals in a fight, this person actively works to silence the other through words, actions, approaches, or a combination of all three. They minimize the other person’s issues or feelings by imposing their own take on the situation. They listen to no one but their own ideas and beliefs: “The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice” (Proverbs 12.15). Before addressing one, it is important to be able to identify them so as to develop a strategy in working with them towards a better relationship.

Character Traits

Ever tell someone that they hurt you and they immediately start defending themselves, making excuses for why you are wrong for thinking the way you are? That’s a dismissive person. They always have to be right and become insecure when you think that they are wrong. They prioritize themselves in the situation rather than putting your feelings first. They never apologize, never take you seriously, and tend to be judgmental in their assessment of your issue. Rather than listening, they jump to making themselves the victim. They dismiss the problem you presented and create a new problem with their lack of attention. Proverbs 18.13 encourages us to listen more as “to answer before listening— that is folly and shame.” They ignore what they’ve done and can only focus on what others have seemingly done to them.

Personally, I have a deeply flawed desire to let everyone know that what I did was right and any wrong they perceived is a misinterpretation on their part. This desire constantly invades my fights with my spouse right from the get go. As soon as she started with me yesterday, I tried my best to tell her how wrong she was. (My response comes from low self-esteem where I want to appear perfect to everyone. For people like me, we are worried about other people’s opinions.) If you enter into a fight with someone like me, it is best to bring the dismissive behavior to their attention because they might not know about it. Tell them how it makes you feel when they do that, as that approach labels it with an emotion.

Dismissive Words

Whatever the other person is bringing to you in the fight is real, as all feelings are valid. It doesn’t matter what you did or said: it’s how it’s perceived by the injured person that matters most. So any attempt to minimize the situation rather than hear and acknowledge it is a dismissive approach. Phrases like “That’s ridiculous”, “Whatever”, “Why are you making such a big deal of this?” are all dismissive. It’s a judgment on the validity of the other person’s concerns, but Romans 2.1-3 tells us, “You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.” Additionally, non-verbal behaviors like eye-rolling, smirking, and facing away are all attempts to refuse engagement. 

I have difficulty physically engaging. Yesterday, I went inward and looked away often. It pained me to hear my mistakes being verbalized. What do you do with someone like me? Tell them how that makes you feel when you are dismissed: ignored, saddened, and worthless. Re-engage them and don’t give up. 

Dismissive Motions

Sometimes, dismissiveness can come in the form of broader strokes, like ignoring the person altogether or walking away during an argument. They may refuse to answer questions posed or give short grunts and one-word answers. They ignore you and show no interest in what is being said, treating the other person as less than they should be. 

I get very quiet in these arguments and answer with words that aren’t classified as words. My unwillingness to engage too frequently dominates my stance. I don’t want to be like the fool of Proverbs 18.2 who “find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.” Thankfully I am with someone who hasn’t given up on me and takes these steps to combat my dismissiveness.

I am working on myself. I recognize that I don’t engage as I should. So today, I went back to her and let her know that although I didn’t receive her message well, she had some excellent points that I will work on. I am working on overcoming my lack of engagement, but at least for now I am considering her concerns more because of her approaches. As the dismissive one, I’ve had my behavior labeled, recognize it as wrong, and am taking steps to alter it.

This week, start taking a harder look at your engagement style when people bring a slight to your attention. Determine if you are engaging with them or not and work toward being more open to their criticism. It’s not easy, believe me, but know that the other person is coming to you out of love and concern for the relationship and yourself. And if you are dealing with a dismissive person, be patient and let them know how you feel when you are being dismissed. By putting the other person at the center of the issue, rather than yourself, your fighting will improve to a more healthy level.

Amen.

In Arguments, Don’t Let “You” Be the Focus

By introducing the word, “you” are allowing for accusations and unsettled conflict.

Words have tremendous power. They can be used to hurt, heal, inspire, and destroy. One of the roles of the English dictionary is to determine which words have gained too much power and which have lost their power altogether.

Over the last few years, there have been words that no one uses any more, words that have lost all meaning and power. For example, “hodad” is a 60s word and means “a surfer poseur,” which is not a word thrown around the beaches much these days. “Sternforemost,” an old nautical term from the 1800s, describes a ship moving backwards, another term no longer necessary. Where the unused word “frutescent” describes something as being “shrub-like,” an “unscrupulous politician” was known as a “snollygoster.” (So, is a short, round, corrupt politician then known as a “frutescent snollygoster”?)

Yet there are also words that have become too heavy for us to bear as a society, words that carry so much hurtful and hateful meaning that we now refer to them solely by a letter: the “f-word”, the “r-word”, the “n-word”, etc. (Feel free to look them up, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.) So harmful, these words immediately destroy the reputation of the person and may cause a complete breakdown in communication altogether. Since Proverbs warns us that, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit” (18.21), we need to choose our words very carefully when speaking to one another.

With a foundation of loving and caring words, we build our personal and romantic relationships, establishing trust and nurturing communication. The most delicate time of relationship communication, where reputation and personal connection are most at stake, is during an argument. It is then that we become heated and sometimes don’t guard our words as closely as we should, mis-weighing each for their impact on the other person. Where there are clearly words that cannot be used, there is one word that really shouldn’t be used during a fight, as it can be the most destructive one of all: “you.” 

Seen as accusatory, the “y-word” changes the direction of the conversation from how the individual is in need of healing to what the other person is doing wrong. If “gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (Proverbs 16.24), the word “you” is an ax to the soul. It morphs the motion from gesturing to the hurting heart into a pointing finger of accusation that tears. Once the word is introduced into the argument, the point of the conversation changes from “help me” to “fix yourself,” and everyone gets defensive. 

“You always/never”

Sweeping generalizations tend to derail an argument and incorrectly label the accused party. They are exaggerations that lump all of a person’s efforts into a single category, ignoring any and all efforts of the other person. At this point, the accused then usually starts to list (either out loud or silently) the things that they have done that disprove that statement. The couple is then moving past problem-solving mode, where both people are trying to benefit, into argument mode, where one person is attempting to “win.”

My wife carries a big bag around with her filled with all of the things I’ve done over the last 30 years. When arguments start and we get accusatory, she unzips the bag and starts flinging them at me, citing the various wrongdoings I’ve been guilty of throughout the course of our relationship. And given that she’s a much better debater than I am, I frequently get buried in a mountain of my own errors. As a result of the “you always/never” approach, the past gets dredged up by one or both members, and that misses the problem at hand. Instead, avoid this phrase and try focusing on what is happening in the present and use phrases as to what you’ve recently witnessed and how it makes you feel. That will keep that bag zipped up tightly.

“You’re overreacting/You need to calm down”

We all know our arguments can get heated, however that doesn’t give the other person the right to judge and tell the other how they are reacting to the moment, quantifying their reaction as good or bad. You don’t get to determine whether the response is appropriate or not because you are not that other person, and no matter how much you might think or try, you don’t know how they are feeling. To them, this issue might be enormous, and for you to see it as less minimizes who they are as a person and how they are feeling. This approach also limits the accused’s accountability, suggesting that they didn’t cause the problem or didn’t cause it to the extent that the other feels it is.

Once these words come out of my mouth, there is not going back. If I thought she was overreacting in the beginning then I clearly haven’t seen overreacting, and boy will she show me what overreacting looks like now. Ever see oil get thrown on a fire? Pretty similar. (Even worse, try, “You’re crazy.”) A comment like that never sends us in the right direction and eliminates deescalation as an option. Instead of these phrases, let the other person know you are listening and want to hear more. James 1.19 tells us that “…Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Making listening a preference then makes resolution a priority.

There are a lot of things that should or shouldn’t be said in an argument, and starting with eliminating the “y-word” is a step towards resolving conflict and building stronger bonds of communication. Remember, that “a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15.1), and “you” is just the word that kindles the fire. This week, work on becoming less defensive in your disagreements and geared more towards strengthening them through words of openness and phrases of gentleness. Being quick to listen puts the other person’s issue at the forefront and leads you less towards conflict provocation and more towards conflict resolution. 

Amen.

The Methodical Suppression of Women Warriors, and Other Male Fantasies

Church masculinity isn’t what it used to be. Or should ever have been.

John Wayne would be embarrassed by my laundry skills.

In our house, my wife and I share the household chores fairly evenly. Where she dusts and cleans bathrooms, I vacuum and change the beds. She is in charge of meal preparation (I have no expertise in that area), and I balance the finances and pay the bills. I am also fully in charge of all laundry in the house, making sure that everyone has clean clothes that are neatly folded and put away. So as the epitome of masculinity, John Wayne would shake his head while moseying away, mutter for me to “man up,” and then probably shoot a Native American.

Traditional male roles state that I might best be used for hunting the evening’s dinner or pulling in a huge salary, but I’m not sure that I’m best utilized that way. Folding laundry gives me peace of mind and satisfaction in a job well done while serving the household. As many might suggest, it is not the most “manly” thing one can do, but “masculinity” isn’t really something that can, or should be defined.

As you might have guessed where I’m going here, yes, gender is also a social construct. 

(Quick reminder for those new here: constructs are when a society creates and agrees upon a specific rule or concept they will all follow and adhere to throughout their time together. For example, intelligence is a construct. We can agree that the valedictorian is intelligent because of his grades, but put him in the wilderness and he’d die within two days. How intelligent is that?)

The concepts of gender and sex are very different. We are assigned sex at birth based on biology, but gender is about the expectations placed upon a person throughout their life that is associated with their sex. For example, men should not wear dresses – a construct because we usually associate dresses with women. (Tell that to a Scotsman.) The idea that a man would be in charge of laundry in a household with a woman present also goes against gender roles, as that should be her job. Constructs can be fluid, as seen by how gender roles have changed over time—years ago women became either nurses, secretaries, teachers, or housewives, whereas nowadays they can be anything they want to be. Yet what unfortunately hasn’t changed for the better with gender constructs, is the role of men and women in the church.

The gender-assigned roles in the church of men as leaders and providers and women as nurturing caregivers was probably well-intentioned at the beginning, but this gender construct has been weaponized over the years to promote a male-dominated Christian patriarchy, where men create the rules and women subserviently follow. This approach has unfairly painted women as more caring and sensitive to the needs of others, thus being well-suited for raising children but not set up to be leaders of groups. They are allowed to teach children and other women, but not men. In fact, they are often drawn as incapable of teaching men, something my wife challenged for years when she taught kickboxing to me and many other men.

The construct is frequently enforced with misinterpreted scripture such as this passage from 1 Timothy 2.11-15: “ A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet…Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.” To the uninitiated, the passage seems fairly straightforward about how the role of women in the church should be suppressed, but that narrow-mindedness ignores the historical and cultural context of place within Ephesus, the gender norms of the time period, and the cultural practices of the people. The church often incorrectly assumes a timelessness rather than scripture being bound to a period and a literalness where symbolism and allegory are frequently invoked.

The gender construct of the weak woman has also been reinforced by cherry picking specific events and women from the Bible as models and ignoring the contributions of others. Men would rather not draw from more aggressive and involved women like the warrior and prophet Deborah of Judges 4 and 5, a military commander who leads the nation of Israel, or the cunning warrior Jael, who defeats her enemy through clever espionage. Weak women they are not.

Instead, the church patriarchy holds up women like Mary and Sarah, amazing women in their own right, but they are heralded only for their obedience, submission, and quiet faithfulness. Yet these women were more than that. In Luke 1, Mary, the mother of Jesus, shows great courage in facing a culture that assuredly rejected her for an out of wedlock pregnancy, and in verses 46-55, Mary sings a song that celebrates God’s justice and mercy, reflecting a deep knowledge and understanding of the scriptures. For Sarah, the ninety year old who birthed Isaac, Genesis shows how much of a leader and matriarch she was among the Israelites, as her influence changed family dynamics and drove the direction of the Abrahamic covenant. But these qualities are so infrequently invoked because they do not support the gender construct of women being weak and subservient.

Wrongful and misguided interpretation is, as we have seen here and in previous devotionals, at the heart of promoting incorrect constructs. Where one sees the entirety of Ephesians 5.22-33 as a guideline for mutual submission, care, and love in a marriage, another takes only one section to prove that “the husband is the head of the wife” (23). A key to avoiding misguided constructs is to put the entirety of a concept into context, looking at the words and ideas around the idea rather than just the idea itself. 

Biblical masculinity and womanhood are clearly constructs designed to suppress one group and promote another, a frequent approach when one group plays for power over the other. The church is deeply guilty of this suppression and has forgotten that, “God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them” (Genesis 1.27). To avoid these pitfalls, we need to weigh all of the evidence, not just the parts that fit our needs. To rise above these pitfalls, we need to not accept what gender roles are being dictated to us but instead embrace our skills as individuals, work together as a body, and look beyond our sex for what we should and shouldn’t be doing.

As for me, I’ve got a load of wash that needs to go into the dryer.

Amen.

The Danger of Accepting the Construct Rather than Finding the Truth

When we blindly accept what everyone is saying, we do damage to ourselves and miss out on life.

Asking someone how old they are is never a polite conversation starter. So instead, I ask people how old they THINK they are.

It’s a very different question that gets people talking. In our heads, we see ourselves as much younger than we actually are. Dubbed our “subjective age,” it’s the age we view ourselves in our minds. Most of us have a strong grasp of our subjective age and can call out a very specific number within seconds. (Research finds that we see ourselves as 20% younger than we actually are.) And when we step in front of a mirror, we are struck by the ravages of time, thrown off guard, and startled by what we see, thinking that there must be some mistake with what the mirror is reflecting back at us.

I’ve been thinking about this concept a lot lately, as I recently just hit a milestone: I turned 50. Many keep congratulating me, although I see it as a dubious honor—essentially being this old means that for the past 50 years I’ve managed to not die (which is not much of an accomplishment when phrased like that). Of course, I don’t really see myself as being that age; in my head, I am a spritely 32, full of vigor and vitality. (Physically, I’ve been lucky to still look that young, although my joints doth protest too much.) My students are surprised to hear that I am that old, as they expected my answer to be fifteen years less. Why? Because age is a social construct, and I am not adhering to the rules.

When the people in a society create and agree upon a specific rule or concept that they will all follow and adhere to throughout their time together, that is known as a social construct. For example, paper money is a construct—there is nothing inherently valuable about the paper itself. It is just pulp from a tree printed upon with ink. But as a society, we’ve agreed that the ones with a “20” printed on it are more than the ones with a “5.” Driving rules are another construct—we’ve all agreed that when there is a red glowing light bulb at an intersection, we will stop and make it safe to travel in the perpendicular direction. 

In the same way, age is a construct, a seemingly meaningless but agreed upon number attached to our existence, where certain behaviors and attitudes are assumed of a person depending on that number. We all think that people with lower numbers are seen as carefree, energetic, but self-centered, whereas people with higher numbers are wise, family-oriented, but forgetful. Are these traits true of everyone? Of course not, but we conform to what people expect of us. A construct creates boxes that trap and confine us because it is assumed that we should “act our age.”

I tend to reject my age construct in that I allow for more energy than most my age, I relate more to teens rather than adults, and I am more tech savvy and pop culture minded than those around me, all construct-defiers. I acknowledge the construct but I don’t let it define my lifestyle and choices. Where most have settled into their ways at 50, I feel that I am still learning, growing, and have so much more in life to experience. In short, I’m just getting started, all because I don’t accept the construct. If I choose to adhere to it, I miss out on life and the joy it brings. So, that we all see ourselves as younger than we are, suggests that the construct doesn’t reflect the actuality and many have a desire to reject their age but don’t because, well, society.

This is where the concept of a construct becomes dangerous. If we accept things the way they are just because everyone says that’s the agreed upon rule, we become misinformed and led astray. Just because everyone says it’s so, that doesn’t mean that it is. And unfortunately, Christianity is riddled with constructs, ideas that we all agreed upon but have little to no factual backing.

For example, ask anyone where heaven is and they will no doubt point up. Where’s hell? That’s right: down. Yet there is no Biblical support for this misguided geography. Additionally, the majority of what we understand about both these places is a construct. The Bible is very scant on heavenly depictions, citing that ”God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and He will dwell with them” (Revelation 21:3). The chapter continues with depictions of a painless, tear-free existence in His presence. But where are the golden robed angels with halos and harps? What happened to the physical floating and timeless existence? Constructs.

Additionally, hell is also described just a few times, labeled as a place of “eternal punishment” (Matthew 25.46) and a “furnace of fire” (13.42). Yet isn’t hell a party for Satan and his followers? Where are the torture devices and pitchforks? That we’ve vividly accepted societal imagery suggests a misinformed public heavily influenced by art, film, and Dante’s “Inferno.” 

Societally, we’ve adopted the concept of these two afterlife images without any biblical backing. We just assumed it was all in the Bible somewhere and never bothered looking any of it up. If there are only a few mentions of heaven and hell in the Bible, how is it that Christians have made it the foundation of everything they believe and have chosen to predominately de-emphasize the rest? If the majority of the Bible emphasizes love, charity, and mercy, why are Christians so focused on eternal reward and punishment? No doubt heaven and hell are important, but to be the sole focus of being a Christian seems misguided, and our damaging actions towards each other and non-believers suggests our focus on the construct has made us deprioritize love, charity, and mercy.

As only one of many construct examples among Christians, we’ve accepted too many commonly held beliefs as gospel and have become deeply misinformed as to what being a Christian is really all about. As such, we act upon what we THINK is true rather than what is actually true. Like the way we succumb to the expectations of our age, we accept the Christian construct which allows it to define us rather than finding out the truth for ourselves. 

Our blind acceptance pushes a false narrative and we miss out on what life can be like, accepting what constructs tell us to think and how to act, sometimes causing harm in the process to others and our surroundings. This week, stop accepting constructs and what you are being told and begin accepting what is true and backed up with actual facts. Constructs can become dangerous if we don’t question their origins and purpose. Do the research yourself and base your life not on what others tell you but on what is true.

Amen.

Feeling Like a Failure When Success Doesn’t Look Like What You Expected

Expecting success to be one specific thing will only lead to disappointment and feelings of failure.

When we think of Christmas morning, we get a very specific image in our heads. So when the expectations that image brings doesn’t look like it’s going to line up with reality, how are we to react or adjust?

My wife and I had wrapped all of the presents with love and set them carefully under the tree just before retiring to our beds. We were so excited for the reaction on his face when he would open them the next morning. Meanwhile, as is his usual nighttime routine, he was upstairs in his gaming room playing online with all of his friends. He is in charge of his own bedtime, which is frequently after us, so we soon fell asleep while he was still up there yelling and having a great time.

While the narrator of “The Night Before Christmas” awoke in the middle of the night because of a clatter on the roof, I awoke to the sounds of his continued online joy at the late hour of 3:00 in the morning. At that point, I began debating as to whether I should tell him to go to bed. I had imaginings of him waking up much too late for it to be “Christmas morning” thus missing out on the idyllic image of it all. I was filled with anxiety that my expectations of a successful Christmas morning would be wrecked, but he had every right to be up. I took a deep breath and decided to do nothing and let him go to sleep when he deemed it appropriate (which was a quarter to 5, btw). 

Yet, the next day, despite his waking up around noon, we still had a perfect Christmas morning even if the clock didn’t suggest it. I learned that the issue wasn’t with him, the time, or his late night activities. Instead, it was because I had a specific image in my brain of how things were supposed to be, and when that expectation was altered and unmet, I was stressed out because I thought the result was unsuccessful. Turns out, success comes in more forms than one.

We are told that success is measured in the amount of money and/or fame one achieves in life. Hence, millionaires and celebrities, by this measure, are considered some of the most successful people in society. Others define success through the lens of the American Dream, where having a steady job, a house, and a family are the indicators of a successful life. But when we don’t achieve the perception of success, we become distraught, introspective, and downright depressed. Because we have not achieved what society deems a success, we must, by definition, be failures.

A Gallup poll from a couple years ago suggests that the perception of success and the individual measure of success don’t often coincide. When asked to rank eight domains of success (education, relationships, character, finance, health, work, quality of life and status) as to how society views them, status came in at a whopping 46% as the highest indicator of success. For the poll respondents, they felt that the number of “likes”, shares, retweets, etc. on a post or video was how society measured success. Yet when they were asked as to how they individually determine success, status shrunk to 5.5%, and education (17.1%), relationships (15.6%) and character (15.4%) dominated the top three spots. By this measure, many of us are successful, but because our expectations of success do not match up to our actual success, we feel unsuccessful as a result.

I deeply felt that last week when I again invited graduated seniors to talk to the current seniors about their college experiences. Previously, it was a huge success, so when I conducted it this year, I had expectations of what success looked like based on last year. When it didn’t meet that expectation, I left that day feeling like a failure. I know that everything went really well and everyone enjoyed their time, but until I shifted my image of success in my brain, I wasn’t able to feel it.

I imagine Moses felt the same way when God told him to lead the Hebrews. When instructed, Moses responded to God with, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” (Exodus 3.11). Moses had viewed what successful leaders looked like and he just couldn’t reconcile his abilities with those of other leaders. “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue” (Exodus 4.10). Moses imagined that great leaders give great speeches, but based on Moses’s success with the Hebrews and the Exodus, successful leaders can have other great qualities, too.

Even the Bible defines success in many different ways, each of which is accurate because success isn’t one thing. Joshua 1.8 tells us to “Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night…Then you will be prosperous and successful.” Psalm 1.1 suggests that success is defined by how much we avoid evil:  “Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked.”  And Proverbs 3.5-6 defines success as being faith: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” The point is that success is not just one thing, and when we make it just one thing, we set ourselves up for failure.

Instead of thinking singularly, we need to think holistically, allowing for multiple aspects to define our success. We must decide for each of us what success looks like, as for some success might be the amount of work we complete in a day and for others it might be just getting out of bed. Both are equally successful, but until we allow for multiple definitions of success we will continue to label each ourselves as failures. 

This week, broaden your definition of success. Focus not on the end result but on the process. Celebrate the small wins. Challenge societal expectations and embrace success in multiple areas of life, which includes well-being, personal fulfillment, and gratitude. If you allow success to be more than one thing, your mindset will slowly begin to embrace just how much of a success you actually are.

Amen.

Getting Not the Justice We Deserve but the Justice We Need

Punishment should be “just,” but is “just” effective or is it just bad practice?

With the stacks of grading that flow my way, I tend to get into a great rhythm that clips it all along at a decent pace. However, nothing brings it all to a screeching halt like a plagiarized paper.

It’s plagued every teacher for years, students who try to pass off someone else’s work as their own. Years ago, the issue was copying off of each other. With the dawn of the internet came websites that post the answers. In the past year, with the click of a button, AI can now generate an entire paper for them without breaking a sweat. And sure enough, students know and use this resource.

It’s worth noting that AI is not inherently evil. I use it myself to brainstorm and do research. Used well, it’s great, but students have gotten good at misusing it. And as they’ve gotten better with it, I’ve had to get better at catching it, and sure enough, last week I caught two such individuals. As both are in my college class, and both have already committed to future colleges, this transgression proved exceptionally egregious and risked a great deal for both of their futures. 

Colleges don’t mess around with this sort of thing: students get reported to the dean immediately and are frequently expelled without a tuition refund. The stakes here were very high, as they could lose everything they’d worked for. After meeting with my principal, she left it up to me to decide how to handle this situation.

I’ve noticed with some who’ve been wronged, they lash out at that person to “teach them a lesson.” We are cut off in traffic, so we honk, yell, and cut them off in return to show just how wronged we feel. We become vindictive and vengeful, wanting to punish the person for their actions. Many even cite Old Testament scripture:  “But if there is serious injury, you are to take life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand…” (Exodus 21:23-25). What they don’t understand is that those actions don’t get the desired result.

When you slam those who err, the message of correction gets lost and is replaced with the message that you are a jerk. The wrongdoer focuses on the punisher and how much they hate them rather than inwardly reflecting and changing their actions. With this understanding, my approach has been that I seek the least amount of discipline with the best possible result. I merely want to correct the course of the individual and send them on a better way, so I decided to dole out consequences that achieve that result.

Could I have completely hammered these two with some real justice? Absolutely. In fact, where one only plagiarized one paper, the other had plagiarized THREE assignments (one which had already snuck past me). I had every right to bring that real Old Testament fury her way. But where many interpret that verse to be about total annihilation, it is in fact about proportionate justice. It’s about focusing on equality and corrective measures rather than suffering a punishment. It’s where the accused walks away from the situation feeling that the decision was fair.

I first spoke to the single plagiarizer, who initially denied everything, but when pressed with evidence, broke down in confession. He later came to me in tears, embarrassed by what he did. What would stop him from doing this again? It seems that we’d already reached that point, so just a zero for the assignment would be enough—no detentions, phone calls home, or other punitive measures. I’d say he got the message.

The triple plagiarizer had been a headache for me all year long with her resistance to the class, so I was weary about how this might go. Yet when confronted, she became humble, contrite, and afraid. She apologized profusely and presented unprompted rewritten pieces. 

Now, I was fully within my right to drop her from the class, call the college and report the plagiarism, and deny her credit for all rewritten work. Yet, she clearly realized the error of her ways, so why punish her with what she deserved rather than with what would be most effective? And so, I didn’t report it, didn’t drop her, let her make up two of the assignments and gave her partial credit on the third. (I figured she showed initiative and should be rewarded for it.) Now? She’s a model student. Her transformation rivals Saul of Tarsus. In speaking with her afterwards, she said that she realized how her actions jeopardized her entire life, and she never wanted to feel that way ever again. Her heart had been convicted, so external conviction was unnecessary.

“Eye for an eye?” In the Sermon on the Mount, Christ recognized that many had misinterpreted the aforementioned scripture to be about vengeful punishment, so He addressed it to the crowd: “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also” (Matthew 5:38-39). He called for mercy where others demanded strict justice. He too felt that punishment should be just, proportionate, and effective, which eliminates vindictiveness and self-righteousness. He desired to correct not out of spite but out of compassion and love. 

When we correct, we need to put ourselves in others’ shoes, feeling what they feel and knowing that people make errors in judgment. We shouldn’t let it define them and should allow it to be an instrument for learning and betterment. I expressed to them a similar sentiment, that had others not given me that same level of understanding when I messed up, both in my youth and later, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

This week, give corrections in the name of love and perpetuate that love and compassion by inspiring others to do the same. In Paul’s letter to the Colossians, he entreats them to, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (3:13). When we model that level of compassion in our correction, we not only reflect the forgiveness we’ve received in our own lives but create a situation where others desire to be compassionate in their correction to others. Harsh correction may be what we deserve, but merciful justice is what we need.

Amen

Know Thy Stressed Self and Put the Pieces Back Together

Being able to identify stress when it happens allows you to move forward and adjust accordingly.

Sure, Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, filled with joy, giving, holiday spirit, and tradition. But it’s also one of the most stressful times of the year, where long lines, holiday traffic, travel, and last minute shopping can dominate the landscape. (I fondly recall one particular pre-dawn shopping spree involving mass rushes for electronics that resulted in my hand getting crushed in a door being shoved by aggressively bargain-happy teenage girls.)

Being that kind of season, I asked the class today, how do you know when you are stressed? Their answers were surprising.

There were many who suffered physical symptoms. A few claimed to break out into hives, sometimes on very specific parts of their bodies. Others said that they resort to nail chewing, sweating, and excessive chest tightness. One even claimed that when she’s stressed her brain feels heavy. Others cited the raging desires that arise within: uncontrollable crying, need for sleep, and overeating. (One was eating while giving me this answer, whereas she said that, indeed yes, she was currently stressed.)

But if it can cause a physical reaction, what exactly is stress? According to the National Institute of Mental Health, stress is “the brain and the body’s response to change, challenge, or demand.” Chemically speaking, there is a physical influx of hormones which is the body’s defense mechanism against danger or harm, and as a result, people’s reactions to those hormones manifest themselves in not just physical but also mental and emotional ways.

Many of those tell-tale signs manifest themselves with an irritability when stressed, that those afflicted people are frequently short on patience and tend to lash out at those around them. As my students agree, stressed people have difficulty focusing on a single task. Their minds are all over the place, and they frequently avoid the tasks at hand by taking on other menial tasks.

Which brings me to this point right now in my day: late at night on a Monday writing something that I should have started much sooner. Stress turns me into a procrastinator.

You see, stress-wise, Mondays for me are the worst. They are jam-packed with meetings, student check-ins, email deluges, weeklong lesson planning, after-school activities, weekend grading, laundry, exercise, and garbage (pick-up is on Tuesdays). I try so hard to reassign these tasks to other days, but nothing works. I dread the demands of my Mondays, and thus I fall into that stress group that is task-averse and avoidance-filled. Hence, I’ve been putting off writing this until the last minute.

Additionally, I’ve also noticed that when I’m stressed, my patience is in short supply. To compensate, I tend to avoid situations where they may be tested. I make my meetings and check-ins to-the-point rather than dragged out, as I know I won’t function well under stretched out meetings. (I also noticed that when I’m stressed, I get super annoyed at people and think that everyone is stupid and wrong in everything they do.)

Yet when I can step outside of myself and identify that I am in fact stressed at that moment, I begin to contextualize my feelings and know that the rest of the world isn’t at fault: it’s probably me. So, I take a breath and avoid too much human interaction. Rather than getting down on my behavior and mental state, knowing who I am and what my limitations are makes me work through my weaknesses and become a better, more productive person as a result.

What is key is the ability to recognize the stress signs for your own self, as that awareness leads to decreased stress and more favorable outcomes. Given that I recognize my Monday mania, I am fully aware of who I become on those days, as I’ve made it a priority to be mindful of who I am when stressed. Knowing my manifestations of stress allows me to adjust accordingly.

Inscribed at the entrance of the Temple of Apollo at Delphi, site of the sacred oracle, are the words “Γνῶθι σαυτόν” (pronounced “Gnothi Seauton”) or “Know Thyself.” A major tenet in Ancient Greek philosophy, the concept was taught by Socrates which asked that individuals be introspective and reflective, searching within oneself for knowledge of who one is. If one is to grow in life, one must “know thyself” in order to pursue wisdom. Even the apostles drew from this concept, as in Paul’s letter to the Colossians, he encourages the members of the church to “Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test?” (13.5). Like the benefits that come with being aware of our own stress and emotions, when the apostles look inward and become aware of the strengths (or lack thereof) with their faith, they can then move out into the world and interact with others in a way that is good and pleasing.

Knowing thyself is the key to mindfulness, too. We are asked to be mindful of who we are and what we are feeling in that particular moment. Being able to search internally and recognize what emotion you are feeling is a great skill as you can then move forward accordingly, finding the most productive and happy path for you. Galatians 6:4-5 asks that “Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load.” Learning to be mindful and emotionally self-aware is a personal responsibility, a task that should be carried by the individual, as when we don’t, we put our negative emotions upon others and become a burden.

The next time you sense yourself becoming stressed, look for how you react to it. Know your emotions and your reactions. Once you learn to observe and recognize the signs, you are then ready to take mindful steps to work accordingly and adjust yourself with mindful actions like breathing, acceptance for yourself and others, and compassion for those in distress. Knowing thyself brings us closer to who God intended for us to grow and become, and by being aware of the manifestations of stress in our life, we can become stronger in our faith and in our worldly interactions without biting the heads off of those around us.

Amen.