Refusing to engage with the other in a fight causes more harm than healing.
Although unpleasant, undesired, and unliked, I’m glad my wife and I fight.
We’ve had some tough ones, too, where tempers rose and frustration peaked. In fact, just yesterday, she approached me with valid concerns and frustrations. (It wasn’t received well, either. I’ll get into that in a minute.) Yet, despite the difficult experiences, I’m glad we fought as fighting is good for couples.
The reason I’m glad is because the real problem is when couples DON’T fight. When words are not exchanged and people don’t engage in conflict in a relationship, it’s because someone is holding it all in. When fights don’t happen, it’s because someone is deeply unhappy and isn’t expressing it, either because the other person is dominating the relationship to the point where the unhappy one is quiet or they don’t know how to express their frustrations. What happens then is that the displeased party becomes so unhappy as a result of bottling it up over a long time, that it finally explodes, manifesting itself with an extreme gesture like an affair or a divorce. When that happens, the other person usually doesn’t see it coming.
This approach of quietude falls under the large umbrella of dismissive behavior, where one person works actively to emotionally shut down the other. One of the most destructive individuals in a fight, this person actively works to silence the other through words, actions, approaches, or a combination of all three. They minimize the other person’s issues or feelings by imposing their own take on the situation. They listen to no one but their own ideas and beliefs: “The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice” (Proverbs 12.15). Before addressing one, it is important to be able to identify them so as to develop a strategy in working with them towards a better relationship.
Character Traits
Ever tell someone that they hurt you and they immediately start defending themselves, making excuses for why you are wrong for thinking the way you are? That’s a dismissive person. They always have to be right and become insecure when you think that they are wrong. They prioritize themselves in the situation rather than putting your feelings first. They never apologize, never take you seriously, and tend to be judgmental in their assessment of your issue. Rather than listening, they jump to making themselves the victim. They dismiss the problem you presented and create a new problem with their lack of attention. Proverbs 18.13 encourages us to listen more as “to answer before listening— that is folly and shame.” They ignore what they’ve done and can only focus on what others have seemingly done to them.
Personally, I have a deeply flawed desire to let everyone know that what I did was right and any wrong they perceived is a misinterpretation on their part. This desire constantly invades my fights with my spouse right from the get go. As soon as she started with me yesterday, I tried my best to tell her how wrong she was. (My response comes from low self-esteem where I want to appear perfect to everyone. For people like me, we are worried about other people’s opinions.) If you enter into a fight with someone like me, it is best to bring the dismissive behavior to their attention because they might not know about it. Tell them how it makes you feel when they do that, as that approach labels it with an emotion.
Dismissive Words
Whatever the other person is bringing to you in the fight is real, as all feelings are valid. It doesn’t matter what you did or said: it’s how it’s perceived by the injured person that matters most. So any attempt to minimize the situation rather than hear and acknowledge it is a dismissive approach. Phrases like “That’s ridiculous”, “Whatever”, “Why are you making such a big deal of this?” are all dismissive. It’s a judgment on the validity of the other person’s concerns, but Romans 2.1-3 tells us, “You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.” Additionally, non-verbal behaviors like eye-rolling, smirking, and facing away are all attempts to refuse engagement.
I have difficulty physically engaging. Yesterday, I went inward and looked away often. It pained me to hear my mistakes being verbalized. What do you do with someone like me? Tell them how that makes you feel when you are dismissed: ignored, saddened, and worthless. Re-engage them and don’t give up.
Dismissive Motions
Sometimes, dismissiveness can come in the form of broader strokes, like ignoring the person altogether or walking away during an argument. They may refuse to answer questions posed or give short grunts and one-word answers. They ignore you and show no interest in what is being said, treating the other person as less than they should be.
I get very quiet in these arguments and answer with words that aren’t classified as words. My unwillingness to engage too frequently dominates my stance. I don’t want to be like the fool of Proverbs 18.2 who “find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.” Thankfully I am with someone who hasn’t given up on me and takes these steps to combat my dismissiveness.
I am working on myself. I recognize that I don’t engage as I should. So today, I went back to her and let her know that although I didn’t receive her message well, she had some excellent points that I will work on. I am working on overcoming my lack of engagement, but at least for now I am considering her concerns more because of her approaches. As the dismissive one, I’ve had my behavior labeled, recognize it as wrong, and am taking steps to alter it.
This week, start taking a harder look at your engagement style when people bring a slight to your attention. Determine if you are engaging with them or not and work toward being more open to their criticism. It’s not easy, believe me, but know that the other person is coming to you out of love and concern for the relationship and yourself. And if you are dealing with a dismissive person, be patient and let them know how you feel when you are being dismissed. By putting the other person at the center of the issue, rather than yourself, your fighting will improve to a more healthy level.
Amen.
Pebbles in the Well 