How much fighting is enough fighting? As long as it’s with love, it’s plenty.
I can sometimes hear it rumbling in the distance—the soft shaking of the ground that means a fight is coming my way. It’s usually a day or two still when I first sense it, but one thing I know: it’s inevitable.
Knowing that I can’t escape it, I usually try to gird up my defenses and brace for impact, like an incoming missile that can’t be dodged. Yet no matter how much I try to avoid it or prepare for it, nothing can get me ready for when it comes.
The fact that I am able to see the proverbial steam rising is, I suppose, a good thing in that it doesn’t catch me off guard. Yet what I should be most thankful for is that the steam pressure doesn’t settle. Sure, the Bible tells me that “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God” (Matthew 5.9), but does that really mean that not fighting is keeping the peace?
As I’ve mentioned before, fighting is good and important in a relationship, and you see, if that steam pressure is subsiding, then someone is holding it in and squashing it down. If I’ve learned one thing from psychology, it’s this: repression of feelings never solves the issue. So the question to ask isn’t “how can we stop fighting?” but rather “how much is a good amount of fighting?” which means we might need to be fighting more than we are.
In a joint study from the University of Michigan and Penn State University, researchers followed over 1,500 adults for more than a week and tracked the amount of fighting they did. They weren’t so much interested in how often people fought but how people felt as a result of fighting. They discovered that although people did not feel well on the day of the fight, they felt much better the next day, as if getting the fight out of their system and dealing with the issue increased their wellbeing. Consequently, for those who avoided an argument and chose not to engage, they discovered that those people had “diminished psychological well-being and increased cortisol, which can lead to weight gain, mood swings, and trouble sleeping. Short-term gain, long-term pain.” Obviously, not good for their wellbeing.
Another 2017 study found that couples who did not fight and avoided discussing sticking points in their relationship (money, neglect, possessiveness, and condescension) were less happy in their relationship following the lack of fighting and found that they were less committed to the relationship seven weeks later. So, it would seem that avoiding the fight that lingers in the background is only putting off a conversation vital to the health of the relationship. Choosing to fight is choosing to better the relationship, a gesture of love that reaches out for help.
Just as fighting can be an expression of a desire for love, avoiding a fight thus neglects the relationship’s health. Like water and sunlight to a plant, relationships need warmth and conflict in order to grow; denying a relationship the right to fight squelches the things that are so necessary for its growth. Additionally, dismissing a fight misses out on the opportunity for the relationship to develop and mature. My wife and I might not always be thrilled when we find ourselves in a fight, but we always become better people as a result and grow closer to one another because we now understand each other better.
Thankfully, there are a lot of other benefits that contribute to the health of the relationship by fighting. Fighting helps you to better understand your partner. Too often, one of the members in the relationship stays silent regarding feelings, and a fight can bring them to the surface, leading the other person to better meet their needs. It also shows where you can make corrections between the two of you, as you might not have otherwise noticed these deficiencies between you both. And, it helps you personally with listening to others and problem-solving in general. Although uncomfortable, choosing fight over flight benefits all parties involved.
Often misinterpreted, Ephesians 4 instructs us as to how we should handle our anger and conflict: “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (26-27). Many see it as the proverbial “Don’t go to bed angry,” yet I suggest it is not so much about not going to sleep in the middle of a fight but is more about holding on to resentment and not expressing it at the right time. Resentment, if not given light, can grow and fester in dark, damp places. Exposing it to the light, although unpleasant at first, helps it wither and die, leaving only healing and maturity in its wake. Sure, we’ve gone to bed a few times steaming at each other (to continue fighting would have just made matters worse), but by the next day, cooler heads prevail and solutions are found because we didn’t neglect our resentment.
Most therapists say that it is common for couples to have disagreements. There’s nothing wrong with you if you do, but there is something wrong with you if you don’t. So how much is enough fighting and how much is too much? There is no real acceptable average for how often is an acceptable amount. Some couples fight just once or twice a month whereas some fight weekly. (However, there are signs that point to an unhealthy relationship if you are fighting almost every day.) In most cases, the fighting is encouraged as long as it stays within the healthy boundaries of what a good relationship fight should look like. (See my past devotionals from this series about handling relationship conflict.)
Fighting has always been portrayed as a sign of a rocky relationship, but the truth is that fighting is healthy, needed, and beneficial. Just because tempers flare and volumes rise, that doesn’t mean love isn’t being expressed along with a desire for a better relationship. Colossians 3.14 tells us, “and over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity,” so we should fight with love for our relationship to grow. Remember, if we didn’t fight in the first place, then we are probably not caring about the relationship. Don’t judge yourself harshly for fighting in your relationship, but allow it to happen so that the two of you might be the best versions of yourselves apart and together.
Amen.
Pebbles in the Well 