The Loving Benefits of a Good Relationship Fight

How much fighting is enough fighting? As long as it’s with love, it’s plenty.

I can sometimes hear it rumbling in the distance—the soft shaking of the ground that means a fight is coming my way. It’s usually a day or two still when I first sense it, but one thing I know: it’s inevitable. 

Knowing that I can’t escape it, I usually try to gird up my defenses and brace for impact, like an incoming missile that can’t be dodged. Yet no matter how much I try to avoid it or prepare for it, nothing can get me ready for when it comes.

The fact that I am able to see the proverbial steam rising is, I suppose, a good thing in that it doesn’t catch me off guard. Yet what I should be most thankful for is that the steam pressure doesn’t settle. Sure, the Bible tells me that “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God” (Matthew 5.9), but does that really mean that not fighting is keeping the peace?

As I’ve mentioned before, fighting is good and important in a relationship, and you see, if that steam pressure is subsiding, then someone is holding it in and squashing it down. If I’ve learned one thing from psychology, it’s this: repression of feelings never solves the issue. So the question to ask isn’t “how can we stop fighting?” but rather “how much is a good amount of fighting?” which means we might need to be fighting more than we are.

In a joint study from the University of Michigan and Penn State University, researchers followed over 1,500 adults for more than a week and tracked the amount of fighting they did. They weren’t so much interested in how often people fought but how people felt as a result of fighting. They discovered that although people did not feel well on the day of the fight, they felt much better the next day, as if getting the fight out of their system and dealing with the issue increased their wellbeing. Consequently, for those who avoided an argument and chose not to engage, they discovered that those people had “diminished psychological well-being and increased cortisol, which can lead to weight gain, mood swings, and trouble sleeping. Short-term gain, long-term pain.” Obviously, not good for their wellbeing. 

Another 2017 study found that couples who did not fight and avoided discussing sticking points in their relationship (money, neglect, possessiveness, and condescension) were less happy in their relationship following the lack of fighting and found that they were less committed to the relationship seven weeks later. So, it would seem that avoiding the fight that lingers in the background is only putting off a conversation vital to the health of the relationship. Choosing to fight is choosing to better the relationship, a gesture of love that reaches out for help.

Just as fighting can be an expression of a desire for love, avoiding a fight thus neglects the relationship’s health. Like water and sunlight to a plant, relationships need warmth and conflict in order to grow; denying a relationship the right to fight squelches the things that are so necessary for its growth. Additionally, dismissing a fight misses out on the opportunity for the relationship to develop and mature. My wife and I might not always be thrilled when we find ourselves in a fight, but we always become better people as a result and grow closer to one another because we now understand each other better. 

Thankfully, there are a lot of other benefits that contribute to the health of the relationship by fighting. Fighting helps you to better understand your partner. Too often, one of the members in the relationship stays silent regarding feelings, and a fight can bring them to the surface, leading the other person to better meet their needs. It also shows where you can make corrections between the two of you, as you might not have otherwise noticed these deficiencies between you both. And, it helps you personally with listening to others and problem-solving in general. Although uncomfortable, choosing fight over flight benefits all parties involved.

Often misinterpreted, Ephesians 4 instructs us as to how we should handle our anger and conflict: “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (26-27). Many see it as the proverbial “Don’t go to bed angry,” yet I suggest it is not so much about not going to sleep in the middle of a fight but is more about holding on to resentment and not expressing it at the right time. Resentment, if not given light, can grow and fester in dark, damp places. Exposing it to the light, although unpleasant at first, helps it wither and die, leaving only healing and maturity in its wake. Sure, we’ve gone to bed a few times steaming at each other (to continue fighting would have just made matters worse), but by the next day, cooler heads prevail and solutions are found because we didn’t neglect our resentment.

Most therapists say that it is common for couples to have disagreements. There’s nothing wrong with you if you do, but there is something wrong with you if you don’t. So how much is enough fighting and how much is too much? There is no real acceptable average for how often is an acceptable amount. Some couples fight just once or twice a month whereas some fight weekly. (However, there are signs that point to an unhealthy relationship if you are fighting almost every day.) In most cases, the fighting is encouraged as long as it stays within the healthy boundaries of what a good relationship fight should look like. (See my past devotionals from this series about handling relationship conflict.)

Fighting has always been portrayed as a sign of a rocky relationship, but the truth is that fighting is healthy, needed, and beneficial. Just because tempers flare and volumes rise, that doesn’t mean love isn’t being expressed along with a desire for a better relationship. Colossians 3.14 tells us, “and over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity,” so we should fight with love for our relationship to grow. Remember, if we didn’t fight in the first place, then we are probably not caring about the relationship. Don’t judge yourself harshly for fighting in your relationship, but allow it to happen so that the two of you might be the best versions of yourselves apart and together.

Amen.

Broken People Doesn’t Mean Condemned People

Giving up on sinners who deserve mercy only judges yourself.

I’ve never seen anyone believe more in a pen than my son.

Forever on the world’s largest scavenger hunt, he comes home with all sorts of ersatz riches found on the bus or classroom floor, some of which include discarded pens. Treating them as found treasure, whereas the previous owner probably threw them away because they stopped writing, he brings home pens that are in various states of disarray, wishing against hope that he can revive them after a few days. Most are disposable, so we’re not talking any great wealth here, and many are not even in one piece. As I write, he has a recently glued pen drying on the kitchen sink. Many don’t come back from the dead and often get thrown away, as his revival rate is slim at best.

Yet it’s not about his success rate, or lack thereof, that is worth mentioning, but his young, wide-eyed hope in second chances that I admire most. That he sees each pen as a potential opportunity for success and believes that even the most broken pen deserves a chance at life is partly due to his age and mostly due to his character. So I can’t help but wonder, if only we could all think that way when it came to each other.

Speaking of broken pens, the other day I had students turn in work that was not their own. It wasn’t a major assignment or anything: just a homework reflection. My computer system has a plagiarism check option, and when I ran it, three papers were flagged from students who cut and pasted large informational chunks from online sources. I also had a few students who just weren’t doing their work, so I decided to talk to the entire class and set the tone for the rest of the year.

I paraphrased a quote from Benjamin Franklin, who wrote that reputation, like glass, is easily broken but not easily mended. I discussed (and by discussed I mean I sternly spoke to the group as they sat silently in either shame or disinterest, so, whatever) that they were establishing a poor reputation with me in terms of the class. Actions dictate reputation, and so far, there was a lot of broken glass as a result of this homework treatment. Their reputation was in tatters, and it was time for them to change their courses of action.

In the succeeding days, I found that those whose judgement had lapsed had either emailed apologies to me or had worked to bridge the gap between their previously ruined reputations and their newly restored ones. They were clearly concerned with cleaning up their act and altering my perception of them as plagiarists and idlers. Their efforts should clearly be congratulated, and I mentioned that I was proud that they had worked to recover themselves, yet despite their efforts, there remains in the back of my mind a nagging negative perception of them no matter how hard I try to dispel it. Unlike my son, I struggle with second chances.

I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s my age accompanied with a growing distrust of people the more I interact with them. I try to grant them full forgiveness, and I even let them know how much they’ve redeemed themselves, yet judgement still exists in my brain. Mercy is getting something we don’t deserve and haven’t earned. We all, in fact, have earned judgement.  Yet in James’s letter, he claims that, “Mercy triumphs over judgment” (2.13), showing that mercy is the greater of the two. However, I still struggle.

Clearly I’m not alone. When speaking with the disciples, Peter tried to look better than those around him while his insides still struggled:

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

I can picture Peter’s hubris in this example, with most likely a smug look on his face to show how great he is that he could forgive someone that many times. His haughtiness is reflected in the number, as he was clearly trying to impress the others because he was okay with someone wronging him seven times. But Christ’s forgiveness knows no boundaries. So He responds to Peter with:

“I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” (Matthew 18.21-2)

His answer suggests that Peter isn’t even close to how many times we should give mercy and forgiveness. Christ’s quantitative number is not important: it is that the number is tremendously greater than what Peter suggests or believes. He is telling him that Peter isn’t even close to the amount of times we should withhold judgement from people and that Peter still has a long way to go. 

So in this I see how far I have to go, too. I forgive plenty with my words but not enough with my heart, bringing silent judgement when I should be dismissing it. I still sometimes see those for what they did and am quickly reminded of Christ’s command to his apostles:  “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven” (Luke 6.37). Maybe it actually is my age, then. It’s no mistake that just a few sentences before Peter’s question of forgiveness, Christ tells them, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” Like my son, I need to give more second chances and see people not for their failings but for their potential. I need to bridge the gulf of my forgiveness and mend more broken pens.

If you find yourself feeling the same, this week with me ask God to remember the forgiveness that we’ve received in life, the unearned mercy given us, and ask for Him to make us innocent in our approach to others so that like a child, we can see the world not as condemned and judged but as forgiven.

Amen.

If You Judge Me By My Looks, You’ll Never Know What I Can Do

Looks can be deceiving when you are only glimpsing a moment.

The art of getting into college is a tricky one full of pitfalls, puzzles, and prizes. During this time of year, students anxiously await the judgement that comes from colleges and universities regarding their labored-over essays and applications.  It’s a tough time for them, but what I recently learned is that they’re not the only ones who are struggling during this process.

I just finished reading a fantastic book by author Jeffrey Selingo entitled “Who Gets In and Why: A Year Inside College Admissions” where the author spent time in the admission rooms of several colleges, studying their methods and approaches in accepting students to their sometimes overly selective institutions.  What was once a very secretive process is laid bare by Selingo’s experiences who entrenched himself in the process and conducted several interviews.  He takes us from the moment students start thinking about colleges up to the final point of college attendance, showing us the many decisions in between. He also reveals the rigorous process that colleges endure with sorting through the mounds of applications that they receive each year, as they attempt to choose who attends and who doesn’t.

What struck me most about this process was just how arbitrary it was at times.  Individuals whom you thought were shoe-ins for acceptance were rejected based on instinct from the admissions board, and vice versa.  Waitlists and refusals were rampant, as most colleges can’t accept even a fraction of the people who apply, so tough decisions are made and lines are drawn; dreams are crushed and feelings are hurt.  But I found myself feeling bad not for the applicants but instead for those who rejected them because they themselves knew just how arbitrary it was.

Part of the problem is that admissions officers are sent only a snapshot of what a student is like.  They get the grades, the essay, the test scores, and the list of extracurricular activities, and then a decision is made that must be based solely on what they see in the file, without ever meeting the person.  An oft quoted concept that the author came across was that you can’t tell, just from looking at it, how far a toad will jump.  Unless you actually see the toad jump and measure it, there is no way of knowing how far it can jump without experiencing the jump itself.  And that is just what these officers are doing: they are guessing how far each of these students will excel academically by just looking at their files but not actually giving them a chance to perform academically.  It may be the process, but that doesn’t make it fair.

Imagine if our potential were judged by what we looked like.  Consider how accurately (or not) people could measure our capability just by how we looked.  A select few of us would get a pass, but the majority of us would be considered not capable of most things because we didn’t meet the physical standards of society.  As Yoda wisely put it: “Judge me by my size do you?”

Take Albert Einstein, for example.  As the father of physics, at no point in his life would anyone have looked at him and thought that he was capable of great things.  When he was born, he had a misshapen head and a body that was grossly overweight.  As he grew older, he grew into his body a little, but he was also never the fashion maven by any standards.  He refused to wear socks, and was proud of the fact that he didn’t have to wear them while teaching at Oxford.  Out in public, he frequently wore an undershirt, a baggy pair of pants that were held up by a rope belt, and women’s sandals.  When he became a father, he spurned combing his hair and haircuts, so his unruly mop of unkempt hair would be everywhere.  Yet, he developed the theory of relativity, quantum theory, and a host of other space, time, and atomic principles.  If people had dismissed him based on how he looked rather than what he could do, we would be living in a very different world.  

If we judge people by how they look, we end up limiting their potential and seeing them only for who they are and not for what they can do.  Matthew 7.17-20 encourages us to look not at what others look like but at what they can do:  “Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit.  A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit.  Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.  Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.”  If instead of examining people for what they look like we look to the fruit they can produce, you will have a better idea as to their potential. 

And we so often limit the potential of others by judging them before they are given a chance.  We look at someone and think we know what they will do, and so we discourage them from even trying.  We don’t allow the toad to jump but instead tell it that it can only jump so far.

So how can we see what a toad can do?  Instead of predetermining how far it will jump, we should give it the opportunity to do so and not limit it by what we think it is capable of.  Galatian 3.28 says that, “there is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”  There is nothing about a person’s look or identity that should give us any idea as to his or her potential or lack thereof, so to judge someone based on these criteria, by the way that we see that person, is not Christlike.  But to view that person as someone in Him, as a person who deserves a chance to prove him or herself, that opens the door to their unlimited potential and His love.  This week, open the door for those around you, and instead of trying to figure out how far they can jump, give them the chance to prove to you what they can do.

Amen.