Picking at Each Other is Death by a Thousand Cuts

Antagonistic attitudes and ornery outlooks are just asking for a troubled relationship.

I try to be as easy-going as possible, but when I get in a mood, any suggestion to help or fix my problem is the wrong answer. In our house, we call it “Mary, Mary quite contrary,” meaning that no matter what someone says as a solution, there’s a reason that ideas won’t work.

For example, let’s say that I need to get work done by a certain time. My wife will try to help by giving me suggestions for how I can maximize my time, consolidate my workload, break up work into sections for efficiency, etc. For each solution she gives me, if I am in a contrarian mood, I will find a reason why each of her solutions wouldn’t work. Hence, the “contrary” nickname. I see it in my son when he hasn’t eaten much, so everything in the world then seems wrong to him. What we don’t realize is that all of our obstacles are internal (his mood and appetite, the proverbial chip on my shoulder) rather than external. 

It’s this type of antagonistic fighting that causes relationships to fall into fights that could have been avoided if one person in the relationship is in full on sabotage mode. Although fighting can be healthy, needlessly picking on each other and egging each other on to start a pointless fight never helps the relationship grow. But Proverbs warns us to, “not make friends with a hot-tempered person, [or] associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared” (22.24-25), what do we do when that person is our partner, the individual we chose to never abandon?

Being able to identify the reasons why we fall into these traps is the initial step. Isolating the cause of this contentiousness helps us prevent self-sabotaging behavior and can reveal solutions for how to deal with ourselves and others when it starts. In addition to obvious triggers like hunger or lack of sleep (which are easily fixed) there are frequently less obvious reasons for our desire to pick on our partners.

You are bored.

Fights can be exciting. It breaks up a monotonous existence with a little chaos and unexpectedness. Sometimes individuals are so tired of the mundane that they start to pick and poke at each other just for the sake of getting a rise out of the other one. It’s a simple and unhealthy way of getting out of a rut and making a connection with the other person, albeit a damaging one. 

You are avoiding.

You probably have bigger issues that need to be discussed and dealt with, so rather than tackle the big things, you end up being petty and picking on each other with the little ones. It’s a shorter, easier path to conflict/resolution instead of looking at what’s really the issue between the two of you.

You want intimacy.

Frequently, picking at the other person is a cry for help for a deeper connection and more attention but don’t really know how to ask for it. A lack of physical intimacy can also trigger this behavior, as one person may not know how to approach the other for this request.

You need attention.

Poking at the other person’s vulnerable spots and being outright ornery is a way to get attention when you are feeling ignored. (I have seen many students who don’t get the attention they crave so they act out as that’s the only attention they can get.) The same goes for our relationships when we don’t feel the other’s gaze enough.

You desire control.

Sometimes people become antagonistic even when things are going well. During that time, they feel out of control and anxious, as if at any moment things will go bad. Picking on the other person gives a certain sense of control because that person is in control of the antagonism.

You have bad habits.

Other times, it’s nothing more than a habit you perpetuate because it’s your go-to default. You have no real reason to fight other than it’s what you’ve always done in the past.

Knowing what’s at root with the other person when they start to pick on you helps a tremendous deal in diagnosing the problem. Once you reveal the cause, you can start to address it practically and help the other person through it. But what about when you yourself are the perpetrator of the picking? What if you’re the one initiating the fights and your partner is helpless to engage in it, combat you, or help you get through it? Taking some steps to deescalate yourself and diffuse your barbs will allow for smoother relationship sailing.

Taking yourself out of the situation by walking away and having a brief time-out could help you reassess and reflect. Sometimes it’s good to just walk away rather than engage and find yourself trapped in that cycle. In Paul’s first letter to Peter, he encourages him to, “not repay evil with evil or insult with insult.” (3.9), and sticking around might lead to that. It doesn’t have to be long, as just a break from the situation makes you readjust your mindset. Writing down your feelings can help to get it out, as we often feel better once it’s no longer inside us. Reflecting on what led you to this spot, or identifying the trigger, also helps bridge the gap between the two of you. 

At that point, you can start to focus more on your partner and your perceptions of them. Give them the benefit of the doubt and assume innocence. Decide if this is a battle worth fighting: too often we pick battles not worth our time. Finally, communicate in a less emotionally damaging way what you are upset or worried about. That offering of your vulnerability and show of needs will allow for compromise and resolution.

Paul’s first letter to the Thessalonians asks that we “make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else” (5.15). Identifying the cause and taking steps towards a solution that doesn’t involve the prodding of each other will lead you towards that striving, putting an end to the goading of each other into a fight. Thoughtfully reflecting upon how you got there and where you are headed will give you the healing steps you need so as to not tear each other down piece by piece but rather to lift each other up a step at a time.

Amen.

The Fight That’s Been Going on For Years

Why are you having the same messy fight over and over? You aren’t approaching it from the right angle.

“For the last 30 years, you haven’t gotten this right!” is a sentence I’ve heard a few too many times.

Despite our best efforts to break some fighting cycles, like many we tend to return to the same fight again and again in our relationship. Yes, as I’ve mentioned, fighting is good for a couple. It clears the air between you two and lets you both know how the other feels: it makes sure that no one is holding anything in and building up steam. But what happens when the two of you keep returning to the same fight again and again, seemingly getting nowhere with it?

There are many reasons people keep having the same fight because one party does not feel that the issue has ever been resolved. Why not? Well, first let’s classify them into two categories: solvable and unsolvable. 

Solvable 

I read of a mom whose children would leave wet towels on the floor after a shower and then use a new towel because theirs was wet. She tried reasoning with them to not take new towels and hang up the ones they used after showering and reuse it next time. She explained how it disrespected her, wreaked havoc on the environment and her laundry, and even tried punishments by taking away cell phones and gaming systems. Nothing worked. Finally, someone suggested that she hide the new towels so they were forced to use the old one even if it was wet. With the cunning of Jacob pretending to be his brother Esau, she solved her problem and her kids eventually learned to hang the wet towels up.

Seems easy enough to solve, but it was a repeated conflict. Why? As she claims, it is because she was more concerned with being correct than being effective. The triggered behaviors from those wet towels clouded her thinking and she mislabeled her children’s actions as intentionally hurtful. She also realized that this mislabeling was linked to childhood baggage, which caused her to want to win the fight rather than create an effective solution. 

Learning to think clearly in a repeating conflict often leads to one of two situations: you find an effective solution or you let go of the issue. For example, my son’s friends are constantly over our house. I love it: it’s a lot of cacophony and chaos as they shoot basketball, film TikTok videos, conquer video games, and design forts out of our TV room. While here, we also feed them, which gets very expensive. I’ve been lamenting the fact that none of these parents ever offer to pitch in with the cost or have the kids over their house to feed them. My resentment grew until I adjusted my thinking and realized that they are not intentionally making this decision. In fact, I realized that they view us as well-off and can easily afford these things because we do it so frequently and easily. Although we are not rich by far, we can afford these things and I’m grateful that I can provide great memories for my son’s childhood. Proverbs helped me learn that, “starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out” (17.14). So, I’ve been able to let this perpetual issue go once I reframed it in my mind, and I now find my mood happier and more at peace. Again, reframing thinking helped to solve the perpetual problem.

Unsolvable

Then there are the perpetual unsolvable problems, the ones where you and your partner are gridlocked, cannot seem to reconcile, and no reframing of mind leads to either a solution or a release of the issue. These are issues where each person feels that they are spinning their proverbial wheels and can’t come to a consensus as to how to appease both parties. For these, we need to get to the heart of why this issue consistently rears its ugly head to figure out how to handle it:

• The argument may be an indication of a deeper issue. It’s not just about dishes and laundry, it’s about feeling supported. Have both people find out what this fight is really about and tackle it from there.
• Expectations may not be accurate. One person may be unreasonable as to what they want from the other. Checking with other people outside of the relationship helps set the standard for what is reasonable. 
• Your memories of the past are your trigger. You may be reminded of past problems you had with someone else that you fear will manifest themselves in this new person. Past failures and issues sometimes create insecurities in present relationships. 

Learning what is at heart in these gridlocked issues sometimes helps remove fuel from the fire. Proverbs explains that “without wood a fire goes out; without a gossip a quarrel dies down” (26.20) You may not be able to solve it, but when you discover the origin of the argument, you learn to slowly take away what stokes it.

Once you can figure out the root of the argument, there are some key character traits to employ that will lead to resolving it, keeping you from repeating the same issues. Patience is one of them. When something is broken in our life, we are used to fixing it quickly. A leaky pipe brings in a plumber, an appliance breaks and you get a new one. Relationships aren’t quite as easy, as they take time to fix. It won’t happen overnight, so don’t expect it to, but a commitment to fixing it goes a long way to healing. The other trait is honesty, not only with your partner but with yourself. Learn to self-examine and be open about what is bothering you and what lies at the heart of the issue. This analysis will lead you to manage the argument and better handle yourself and your partner.

Paul’s second letter to Timothy encourages us away from the solvable arguments and beyond the unsolvable ones: “Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful” (2.23-24). It takes great effort and patience, but it is well worth the time to give towards introspection given the amount of effort often put towards repeating arguments. Taking the time to categorize your issues as solvable or unsolvable, and then taking steps to either find solutions or healing, will break the cyclical arguments that divide you and your partner and will lead to a more peaceful relationship.

Amen.

The Loving Benefits of a Good Relationship Fight

How much fighting is enough fighting? As long as it’s with love, it’s plenty.

I can sometimes hear it rumbling in the distance—the soft shaking of the ground that means a fight is coming my way. It’s usually a day or two still when I first sense it, but one thing I know: it’s inevitable. 

Knowing that I can’t escape it, I usually try to gird up my defenses and brace for impact, like an incoming missile that can’t be dodged. Yet no matter how much I try to avoid it or prepare for it, nothing can get me ready for when it comes.

The fact that I am able to see the proverbial steam rising is, I suppose, a good thing in that it doesn’t catch me off guard. Yet what I should be most thankful for is that the steam pressure doesn’t settle. Sure, the Bible tells me that “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God” (Matthew 5.9), but does that really mean that not fighting is keeping the peace?

As I’ve mentioned before, fighting is good and important in a relationship, and you see, if that steam pressure is subsiding, then someone is holding it in and squashing it down. If I’ve learned one thing from psychology, it’s this: repression of feelings never solves the issue. So the question to ask isn’t “how can we stop fighting?” but rather “how much is a good amount of fighting?” which means we might need to be fighting more than we are.

In a joint study from the University of Michigan and Penn State University, researchers followed over 1,500 adults for more than a week and tracked the amount of fighting they did. They weren’t so much interested in how often people fought but how people felt as a result of fighting. They discovered that although people did not feel well on the day of the fight, they felt much better the next day, as if getting the fight out of their system and dealing with the issue increased their wellbeing. Consequently, for those who avoided an argument and chose not to engage, they discovered that those people had “diminished psychological well-being and increased cortisol, which can lead to weight gain, mood swings, and trouble sleeping. Short-term gain, long-term pain.” Obviously, not good for their wellbeing. 

Another 2017 study found that couples who did not fight and avoided discussing sticking points in their relationship (money, neglect, possessiveness, and condescension) were less happy in their relationship following the lack of fighting and found that they were less committed to the relationship seven weeks later. So, it would seem that avoiding the fight that lingers in the background is only putting off a conversation vital to the health of the relationship. Choosing to fight is choosing to better the relationship, a gesture of love that reaches out for help.

Just as fighting can be an expression of a desire for love, avoiding a fight thus neglects the relationship’s health. Like water and sunlight to a plant, relationships need warmth and conflict in order to grow; denying a relationship the right to fight squelches the things that are so necessary for its growth. Additionally, dismissing a fight misses out on the opportunity for the relationship to develop and mature. My wife and I might not always be thrilled when we find ourselves in a fight, but we always become better people as a result and grow closer to one another because we now understand each other better. 

Thankfully, there are a lot of other benefits that contribute to the health of the relationship by fighting. Fighting helps you to better understand your partner. Too often, one of the members in the relationship stays silent regarding feelings, and a fight can bring them to the surface, leading the other person to better meet their needs. It also shows where you can make corrections between the two of you, as you might not have otherwise noticed these deficiencies between you both. And, it helps you personally with listening to others and problem-solving in general. Although uncomfortable, choosing fight over flight benefits all parties involved.

Often misinterpreted, Ephesians 4 instructs us as to how we should handle our anger and conflict: “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (26-27). Many see it as the proverbial “Don’t go to bed angry,” yet I suggest it is not so much about not going to sleep in the middle of a fight but is more about holding on to resentment and not expressing it at the right time. Resentment, if not given light, can grow and fester in dark, damp places. Exposing it to the light, although unpleasant at first, helps it wither and die, leaving only healing and maturity in its wake. Sure, we’ve gone to bed a few times steaming at each other (to continue fighting would have just made matters worse), but by the next day, cooler heads prevail and solutions are found because we didn’t neglect our resentment.

Most therapists say that it is common for couples to have disagreements. There’s nothing wrong with you if you do, but there is something wrong with you if you don’t. So how much is enough fighting and how much is too much? There is no real acceptable average for how often is an acceptable amount. Some couples fight just once or twice a month whereas some fight weekly. (However, there are signs that point to an unhealthy relationship if you are fighting almost every day.) In most cases, the fighting is encouraged as long as it stays within the healthy boundaries of what a good relationship fight should look like. (See my past devotionals from this series about handling relationship conflict.)

Fighting has always been portrayed as a sign of a rocky relationship, but the truth is that fighting is healthy, needed, and beneficial. Just because tempers flare and volumes rise, that doesn’t mean love isn’t being expressed along with a desire for a better relationship. Colossians 3.14 tells us, “and over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity,” so we should fight with love for our relationship to grow. Remember, if we didn’t fight in the first place, then we are probably not caring about the relationship. Don’t judge yourself harshly for fighting in your relationship, but allow it to happen so that the two of you might be the best versions of yourselves apart and together.

Amen.

When Stalemate Fights Develop into Relationship Standoffs

Win or lose, it’s a bloodbath. Try hearing instead.

A whistle in the distance…a rolling tumbleweed…squinty eyes…itchy trigger fingers. Looks like we’ve got an old-fashioned standoff! Yeehaw!

My wife said to me the other day that she and I don’t have many actual fights in our relationship but rather we have a variety of standoffs, where each person has his or her own ideas and won’t budge on them. We are two alphas constantly butting heads and refusing to back down.

Hearing those words made me rethink a lot of how we approach each other in conflict. It reframed our disagreements for me, seeing them not as people angry at each other but as individuals strategizing to be heard. It also made me realize that in every fight we have, there is a potential winner and loser, and even when you win, you lose.

Our most recent standoff? We have had a long-standing one in our relationship. The proverbial thorn in our side, where we have each stood our ground firmly and refused to concede.

Apple vs. Samsung.

I have been a die-hard Apple user since iPhone 3. In it for the long haul, I love my iPhone and get a new one every year. It is everything I’ve ever wanted and more. Years ago, my wife dug in her heels with Samsung and only conceded this year when our son switched over to iPhone. (His friends all have one and she wanted to be able to stay in close contact with him—the two opposing services don’t communicate well with each other otherwise.) 

Since then, she has kicked and screamed about her iPhone because it doesn’t do what she wants it to do. So the other night, when she had trouble with it connecting to her car, that standoff came center stage. 

It began as most fights and standoffs do, with an expression of frustration. I tried just listening, but after a few minutes, she didn’t feel heard. (Even though one can be in listening mode, that doesn’t mean the other person feels heard.) You see, she wanted some concession from the lot of us iPhone users, where we would break out of our collective “cult-craze zombie-like acceptance” (her words)  and see the light that Samsung is better.

Now, this all seems silly written down, but remember that standoffs aren’t always about the issue. Often, as I’ve mentioned before, they are about the history between the two parties. When a couple disagrees, it’s about all the other things that the other person has ever done. So, to help recontextualize the stalemate, it’s important to see the other person not as an aggressor but as someone who feels unappreciated. According to relationship therapist Esther Perel, fights bring susceptibilities to the surface and are frequently difficult to solve because both involved parties misunderstand what is at the root of the problem: hurt and vulnerability. Because of this misunderstanding, couples end up having the same fight over and over because each feels vulnerable and not heard. To truly win the argument, couples need to take steps to break the loop. 

The first step is to recontextualize it not as a fight to be won: there is no right or wrong side. The goal is then shifted away from winning and moves towards understanding where the other person is coming from. It becomes much more productive that way as each person starts to retract their alpha horns and back off. In John 13, Christ takes all of the rules of life and boils it down to this: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another” (34-35). Putting love first and winning last achieves this goal.

In addition, don’t try to make your partner see your perspective, as that also creates a push and pull scenario between the two of you. Instead, shift your goals towards understanding the other person’s perspective by examining feelings and experiences. Remember, there is a difference between listening and hearing. I tend to listen, which means I get quiet during a fight. Unfortunately that is perceived as a dismissal, where the other person thinks you are shutting down. Instead, actively listen, where you ask questions that help to shed light on areas that your partner feels you are in the dark about. It’s hard, but Ephesians 4 asks us to “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (2-3). Letting them know that you are actively listening paves a path of love for the both of you to travel together. 

And if you are on the other side and are the one coming in hot with the argument, avoid accusations and judgments on the other person. Frame your issues with how you are feeling and why you feel defensive about an issue. Explaining that you feel attacked rather than accusing the other person of attacking you puts emotions at the center and allows for empathy. Ephesians asks that we “walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (5:2). Avoiding an attack by focusing on how you feel rather than what the other person did allows for that walk. Seeking to find common ground and relating to each other’s feelings also models that love for the other person, and sometimes even persuades them to act likewise. For us, we might still disagree about our phones, but at least we are understanding each other’s emotions and aren’t in a stalemate.

Roaming the romantic wild west and coming across the occasional relationship standoff is a given. Good couples fight, and when they do, it can often lead down the wrong path. Be sure to set that path straight not by framing your argument about who’s right or wrong or how much the other person hurt you, but instead by developing it around your vulnerabilities, the emotions the issue evoked, and how you want to understand the other person’s point of view. In a stalemate, no one wins, but in a relationship framed with empathy, everyone does.

Amen.

In Arguments, Don’t Let “You” Be the Focus

By introducing the word, “you” are allowing for accusations and unsettled conflict.

Words have tremendous power. They can be used to hurt, heal, inspire, and destroy. One of the roles of the English dictionary is to determine which words have gained too much power and which have lost their power altogether.

Over the last few years, there have been words that no one uses any more, words that have lost all meaning and power. For example, “hodad” is a 60s word and means “a surfer poseur,” which is not a word thrown around the beaches much these days. “Sternforemost,” an old nautical term from the 1800s, describes a ship moving backwards, another term no longer necessary. Where the unused word “frutescent” describes something as being “shrub-like,” an “unscrupulous politician” was known as a “snollygoster.” (So, is a short, round, corrupt politician then known as a “frutescent snollygoster”?)

Yet there are also words that have become too heavy for us to bear as a society, words that carry so much hurtful and hateful meaning that we now refer to them solely by a letter: the “f-word”, the “r-word”, the “n-word”, etc. (Feel free to look them up, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.) So harmful, these words immediately destroy the reputation of the person and may cause a complete breakdown in communication altogether. Since Proverbs warns us that, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit” (18.21), we need to choose our words very carefully when speaking to one another.

With a foundation of loving and caring words, we build our personal and romantic relationships, establishing trust and nurturing communication. The most delicate time of relationship communication, where reputation and personal connection are most at stake, is during an argument. It is then that we become heated and sometimes don’t guard our words as closely as we should, mis-weighing each for their impact on the other person. Where there are clearly words that cannot be used, there is one word that really shouldn’t be used during a fight, as it can be the most destructive one of all: “you.” 

Seen as accusatory, the “y-word” changes the direction of the conversation from how the individual is in need of healing to what the other person is doing wrong. If “gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (Proverbs 16.24), the word “you” is an ax to the soul. It morphs the motion from gesturing to the hurting heart into a pointing finger of accusation that tears. Once the word is introduced into the argument, the point of the conversation changes from “help me” to “fix yourself,” and everyone gets defensive. 

“You always/never”

Sweeping generalizations tend to derail an argument and incorrectly label the accused party. They are exaggerations that lump all of a person’s efforts into a single category, ignoring any and all efforts of the other person. At this point, the accused then usually starts to list (either out loud or silently) the things that they have done that disprove that statement. The couple is then moving past problem-solving mode, where both people are trying to benefit, into argument mode, where one person is attempting to “win.”

My wife carries a big bag around with her filled with all of the things I’ve done over the last 30 years. When arguments start and we get accusatory, she unzips the bag and starts flinging them at me, citing the various wrongdoings I’ve been guilty of throughout the course of our relationship. And given that she’s a much better debater than I am, I frequently get buried in a mountain of my own errors. As a result of the “you always/never” approach, the past gets dredged up by one or both members, and that misses the problem at hand. Instead, avoid this phrase and try focusing on what is happening in the present and use phrases as to what you’ve recently witnessed and how it makes you feel. That will keep that bag zipped up tightly.

“You’re overreacting/You need to calm down”

We all know our arguments can get heated, however that doesn’t give the other person the right to judge and tell the other how they are reacting to the moment, quantifying their reaction as good or bad. You don’t get to determine whether the response is appropriate or not because you are not that other person, and no matter how much you might think or try, you don’t know how they are feeling. To them, this issue might be enormous, and for you to see it as less minimizes who they are as a person and how they are feeling. This approach also limits the accused’s accountability, suggesting that they didn’t cause the problem or didn’t cause it to the extent that the other feels it is.

Once these words come out of my mouth, there is not going back. If I thought she was overreacting in the beginning then I clearly haven’t seen overreacting, and boy will she show me what overreacting looks like now. Ever see oil get thrown on a fire? Pretty similar. (Even worse, try, “You’re crazy.”) A comment like that never sends us in the right direction and eliminates deescalation as an option. Instead of these phrases, let the other person know you are listening and want to hear more. James 1.19 tells us that “…Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Making listening a preference then makes resolution a priority.

There are a lot of things that should or shouldn’t be said in an argument, and starting with eliminating the “y-word” is a step towards resolving conflict and building stronger bonds of communication. Remember, that “a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15.1), and “you” is just the word that kindles the fire. This week, work on becoming less defensive in your disagreements and geared more towards strengthening them through words of openness and phrases of gentleness. Being quick to listen puts the other person’s issue at the forefront and leads you less towards conflict provocation and more towards conflict resolution. 

Amen.

Are Your Conversations Lifeless and One-Sided?

When we talk, we don’t ask enough questions and those we ask are the wrong kinds.

With Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks in sight, the next group of people I assume I’ll be running into are the returning students, those who graduated and are now back to tell their tales.

They start showing up in the building somewhat suddenly, wide-eyed and roaming the halls, wondering why this place seems so strange to them. I love chatting about their new experiences, but I know that I am just one person in a long line of people they want to visit, so it’s important that I make my time count. 

Eschewing the usual questions like “what classes did you take?” and “how was your semester?,” I tend to go for more pointed questions. The trick is to get them talking, so an approach that requires a prepared answer just won’t do. If I really want to learn something, I have to ask the right questions.

“How were you surprised by your experiences at college?”

That gets them thinking and responding in a meaningful way, which is my goal. I’ve learned many lessons from these conversations and not just about college life but about humanity and relationships. My thought is that If our lives are filled with chance encounters, why not make them count with some meaningful dialogue?

According to the New York Times article The Essential Skills for Being Human by David Brooks, around 30% of people are good question askers. “The rest are nice people, but they just don’t ask. I think it’s because they haven’t been taught to and so don’t display basic curiosity about others.” He feels that a large majority of people feel unseen and unheard because in conversation, they are not acknowledged and thus feel invisible. The other night, I ran into someone I hadn’t seen in over a year. We chatted for a few minutes, but everything was about him: what he’s been doing, what he thinks, how he has been feeling lately. Not once did he ask me a question. He’s a nice enough guy; he’s just a little wrapped up in himself. 

The majority of people seem to fall into that same category: nice people who don’t know how to respect and understand others in conversation. Just because they got their points across, said what they wanted to, and felt a connection, that doesn’t mean that a connection was made. Both parties need to feel it for there to be a connection. If we don’t take others’ needs into account, then nothing is built between people.

It is through conversation that connection is made, when the speaking and listening needs of both parties are met. In Paul and Timothy’s letter to the Colossians, they encourage the readers to, “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone” (4:6). The key to good dialogue is flavor, and by learning to season your words with the right elements that not only create meaningful conversation but also allow each person to be heard will be what leads to a connection and consequently the building of community.

In Brooks’ article, he identifies two types of people in any given conversation: the Diminisher and the IIlluminator. “Diminishers are so into themselves, they make others feel insignificant. They stereotype and label.” They dominate the conversation and only look to see what they can get out of it, dismissing the other party in the process. Illuminators are curious about others and look to understand them. “They know how to ask the right questions at the right times — so that they can see things, at least a bit, from another’s point of view.” They make people feel noticed and lifted up. They embody Proverbs 25:11 which says that, “a word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.” And the way to do that in conversation, is to draw their story out of them.

Instead of asking questions that can be answered in a word or two, or with a pat answer, ask questions that require reflection. Don’t ask questions that start with “what” which requires a quick response, but instead ask “how” which transforms the answer into a story with events and steps. Having them “storify” their answer gets people talking about their lives, beliefs, families, and the journey of how they got to a specific point. That line of questioning allows for curiosity on your part and elaboration on theirs. It helps us to learn something about others and ourselves. 

Then, utilize the concept of follow-up questions. Ask for details and specifics, having them paint a word picture. Additional questions about the minutiae lead the speaker’s thoughts back into the situation, forcing a revisit that leads to a more full story. Your requests for additional details illuminate the speaker and bring light to that person’s issues, a place where some might have felt unheard. In similar fashion to God’s words to Isaiah, who said, “I will lead the blind…I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth” (42:16), through illumination, we can make people feel comfortable in sharing their stories with us. 

Conversations are often not about the words being spoken but the emotions behind them. What it comes down to is for you to decide what emotion you want driving your conversations. For many, they allow fear to drive conversation, where words are used to diminish the other person and push others into submission and subservience. Then, the conversation is not about curiosity but about social dominance. But if approached with curiosity and respect, we give the gift of recognition to the speaker, acknowledging storified efforts as noteworthy and admirable. We lift the other up and put the speaker’s needs first, and we in turn grow from the sharing of stories. 

This week, relinquish the wheel in conversation more often than not and give control to others in allowing their stories to grow and connect with others, bringing curiosity to both parties. Give them the gift of attention, and you will see that relationship strengthen and grow as you benefit from their wisdom.

Amen.

Delusional Thoughts: The Narrative is All in Your Head

The stories we tell ourselves only lead to the damage we inflict on our relationships.

As I lay there in bed staring at the ceiling, my wife lay next to me, her mind all a flutter.

I hadn’t said anything in awhile, so her mind started to spin, wondering why I wasn’t speaking to her. She thought about how I might be mad and could be giving her the silent treatment. She ran through all the words she’d said to me in the past day in an attempt to figure out where she had gone wrong or what had set me off. Was it the questions about my day? Were they badgering? Did I feel pressured about the house and its finances because of her? She kept ruminating, attempting to come to an answer in her head. Maybe she didn’t give me enough attention and I was feeling ignored? Finally she asked me what the matter was.

“I was wondering whether cheddar cheese or colby melts better with nachos.”

There are a variety of names for what she was going through including “unconscious storytelling,” “false internal narratives,” and “the story I’m telling myself right now.” It’s a relationship-sabotaging practice where one member creates a story in their head when they are unclear about what the other person is thinking or feeling, and more often than not, they come to the wrong conclusions.

Based on assumptions, this mental malpractice is a real argument escalator. If you’ve ever been in a relationship, you know that the real killer is not the big issues but the small ones that slowly chip away at each other’s romantic feelings. It’s the fights about who left what in the hamper, why the toothpaste was not replaced, or who is doing more housework than the other. Yet oftentimes these spats are not grounded in reality but in the stories we tell ourselves about the other person.

For example, the other day I left a plastic milk carton in the sink. When my wife came home and saw it, the story she told herself was that I am immensely entitled and feel that I don’t deserve to do work around the house because she’ll do it for me. She also began to feel that I look down on her, which made her feel small and insecure. That was the story she told herself; the truth was that I put it in the sink in the morning when I was half asleep and forgot that it was there. There was no intended malice or harm, but the story she told herself developed resentment which manifested itself in an argument. 

If Ephesians 4:29 tells us to, “not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen,” then we need to take steps to break this destructive loop.

1) Calm down and point out the obvious, what you know for sure

Open communication is the most helpful part in resolving perceived slights, but the first thing needing to be done is take the anger out of the situation. Take a moment to breathe, calming yourself down first. It is encouraged that, “whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly” (Proverbs 14:29). Don’t hobble good communication with aggressive emotion. When you are ready, tell the other person what it is you are seeing. Keep it brief, or the other person will start to feel blame immediately. 

2) Tell them the story from your mind

Relay the story you told yourself in your head. Frequently, when you verbalize what you made up to yourself, you’ll start to see just how ridiculous it was, which may break the ice between you two with a good laugh. Phrasing it as such, that you made it up, also takes the blame off the other person and helps you get at the real root of what’s happening.

3) Explain how you were feeling

Labeling what it is you are feeling gets to what’s really at stake. Often, when my wife and I fight, I have to ask myself: “what is this fight really about?” It’s never about the laundry, money, or groceries, and is usually rooted in fear, hurt, or anger. Seeing the other person for the way they feel creates vulnerability and a desire to want to heal.

4) Give an example of what would help

Giving a practical solution to your feelings is a step forward in the relationship and an easily achievable one. Like most, I don’t want to hurt those I love or slight them in any way, so if I do, it’s not intentional. Knowing what would help the other person bridges the gap between wanting to make them happy and knowing how to make them happy. If you don’t verbalize what would help, they can’t give you what they don’t know you need. 

In Paul’s letter to the Colossians, we are called to speak lovingly to one another for a reason: “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone” (4:6). Knowing how to respond properly to a mate is key to developing that grace between you two. This week, learn to identify the stories you tell yourself by paying closer attention to your thought processes: look for that spiraling of thought and how it gets out of control. Then, communicate with your partner, letting them know what you’re going through, as that open level of communication will develop a stronger bond between you two and a grateful response from the one who now knows your story.

Amen.

Without Real Sacrifice, You are Hurting Your Relationships

Sacrifice is not the same as compromise: you should be giving without expecting.

A complicated word, there are many shades of definitions that run the gamut of what exactly “sacrifice” is, but we can all agree that it is a denial of oneself. It is when life and the world requires us to give up something we want or desire.

For example, during Lent many sacrifice a food, vice, or practice. Several people admirably give up meat for forty days as their sacrifice. Others dig really deep and give up something that they crave, like chocolate or alcohol. During this time, the purpose of sacrifice is for introspection, focus, and a closer awareness of our spiritual relationships. 

Sacrifice implies a relationship between two parties, and the level of sacrifice determines the level of devotion to that relationship. The key qualities include selflessness and commitment as well as a recognition of a greater purpose—that the short-term denial contributes to a longer-term goal in that relationship, a sign of a deepening commitment. Thus, the greater the sacrifice, the stronger the commitment.

The most obvious example of Biblical commitment is the sacrifice of God’s son for the love of humanity. For parents, there is no greater sacrifice, so God’s sacrifice of Jesus meant that His love and level of commitment is unsurpassable and His devotion knows no boundaries: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3.16). This sacrifice reflects the amount of love God has for His people and how much He desires humanity to be close to Him. In John 15:13, Jesus says, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends,” reinforcing that philosophy, showing how Christ sacrificed His own life for those He encountered and for future generations.

God’s and Christ’s sacrifices measure just how much He is willing to give up for us. A sacrifice should require giving up something that truly and deeply affects us. Using God’s sacrifice as an example, we should ask ourselves: How much are we willing to give up for those we love? To what measure are we willing to sacrifice for those we claim to care for? In order to answer these questions, we must first better identify what it means to sacrifice for another. 

We do not fundamentally understand what sacrifice is. For example, I am not much of a morning person and my wife is not much of a night person. To help each other out, I get up a little earlier to be with her and she stays up a little later to be with me. I want to sleep in and she wants to go to bed early, so we both give up some of our desired time and activities for the sake of unity in our marriage. Historian and author Joseph Campbell once said that, “When you make the sacrifice in marriage, you’re sacrificing not to each other but to unity in a relationship.” But where some may see our choice as sacrifice, I would argue that it is not: it is compromise. 

There are distinct differences between the two. Compromise involves finding a middle ground between two parties where each gives up something in exchange for something else. Sacrifice means giving up something without expecting anything in return, a commitment to the relationship that has no strings attached or expectations involved. So again, to what measure are we willing to sacrifice for those we love that DOES NOT INVOLVE COMPROMISE?

For those in a loving relationship, true sacrifice should not be a 50/50 mentality between partners. Instead, it should be each person giving one hundred percent of the time. That way, when one person isn’t his or her best self, the other person is there to lift up the relationship to where it should be. Sacrifice should involve a level of personal suffering for the other person. In Paul’s letter to the Galatians, he encouraged sacrifice in the form of taking up the sufferings of each other: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (6:2). To sacrificially take another’s burden upon yourself involves suffering, a giving of oneself with a personal cost. 

So, how can we give sacrificially now that we know what it means? Time, energy, and money are the first things that come to mind, giving them up for other people’s needs. But there are other aspects of ourselves that can be sacrificed, ways that involve our personal needs. One is the need to always be right along with the constant urge to be perfect, two things I struggle with in my own marriage. I too often fight for the littlest thing in an effort to be right and perfect, but by doing so, I am winning the battle but losing the war. Almost all disagreements I’ve had could have been settled through my sacrifice, yet I perpetuate the cycle and increase the damage by insisting that I am never wrong. I sacrifice physical needs easily, but for me, it is the sacrifice of my emotional needs that need work. 

In denying yourself these key aspects, you are truly sacrificing for those you love. If you are like me and find yourself lacking in these areas, some ways you can develop them include cultivating empathy and prioritizing your relationships through active listening and reflecting on your own motivations. If I listen more and see what I truly want out of a disagreement, I begin to put her before me and see what it is like to be in her shoes. From there, the sacrifice becomes a natural progression.

Mother Teresa, in a speech at a National Prayer breakfast in 1971 said, “I must be willing to give whatever it takes not to harm other people and, in fact, to do good to them. This requires that I be willing to give until it hurts.” That we should give to the point of suffering is a true denial of oneself and a full surrender to the other person, be it a romantic, familial, or friendship. Without that mentality, there will always be a level of selfishness in the relationship, where you expect the other to reciprocate. In doing so, your relationship becomes less about them and more about you, shifting the target of love and attention off the intended. To truly love another person, you must be willing to sacrifice yourself to the point where it exhausts you, as without sacrifice, we end up denying the love that we so want to give and end up renouncing those whom we truly love.

Amen.

Flamingos Have Better Friendships Than We Do

Your core friendships should not just be a sporting affair.

There are few who can argue our psychological and physiological need for friendship. Science has shown that we seek it out based on our desire for emotional support, strong mental health, and personal growth. We all have that want to feel that we belong to a group greater than ourselves, but what do we use as criteria to determine which people become our friends?

When you’re young, it’s enough for you to both like pizza or the same color. Best friends are created in seconds. I tell my college-bound students that the only reason they have the friends they do is thanks to geography. The connections they make are often as a result of who lives near who, who has what classes with which ones, and which people they run into in the hallway. 

Thanks to locale, they have a friend group, which is why when they leave for college, they almost always leave those friends behind for new friend groups. College friends are usually based more on common interests rather than region. They chose to go to the school they are at based on multiple factors of interest, and those that also attend with them probably also have those interests. Hence, why those friends last a lifetime (and for me, in a marriage). The reason for this maturity in criteria is because as we get older, we become more discerning.

I myself have unexpectedly made some new friends recently. My son is playing his first team sport, so I’ve been suddenly thrust into the world of competitive parents who shout at their kids on a sports field. I’ve fraternized with around 10 new sets of people, and we’ve seemingly bonded over our shared experience of the team. Never a sports fan myself, I’ve been surprised with just how quickly I’ve taken to the group and how integrated I’ve become. Always viewing team moms and dads from the outside, I’ve now become one just because my son made a team.

We all connected and grew because we had a common purpose. It’s what brought us together and what helps us to socialize. Yes, there are differences among us and disagreements (where others tend to shout instructions to their kids, I’m happy to only shout encouraging statements), we still get along very well. We have common interests, hence friendships have been made.

But how deep are the roots of our sports-defined relationship? Is basketball enough to maintain a friendship? Probably not, as when the season ends I can’t imagine keeping in touch. Not that I don’t like them—I just feel like we won’t have much in common beyond the sport. The foundation is the team, and unless another season or team takes its place, it’s a quickly eroding foundation. So what exactly constitutes a strong foundation for friendship?

A five year study of flamingos was recently published that examined two groups of approximately 150 flamingos each, and it followed what patterns they established regarding with whom they associated. What they found was surprising: most flamingos decided to form groups of 3 or 4 close friendships (which is a common number of friends among us), and those groups were formed based on temperament. So, aggressive flamingos hung out with other aggressive flamingos, and more reserved ones the same. Seemingly, even the animal world is keen on having precise criteria for making friends.

Since flamingos live a long life, and many of these have been around since the 60’s, it’s safe to say that their friendship is wont to stand the test of time. In fact, these bonds were so strong among these birds that they even went out of their way to avoid other dissimilar birds in the flock. Proverbs 17.17 defined a friend as one who “loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” And sure enough, when birds got into fights, their clique was there to back them up.

So it would seem that the strongest friendship bonds aren’t based in geography or common interests but in personalities and core beliefs. Having similar understandings of the world cements the relationship and roots it in love and support.

Speaking of friend groups, when the disciples and apostles were together during Christ’s life, there was constant bickering and competitiveness amongst them. They continually fought for Christ’s love and attention, as well as each wanting to be the greatest among themselves. They backstabbed and backtalked constantly, as their friendships were based on situational measures, not necessarily core beliefs and foundational understandings.

Yet once Christ died and was resurrected, they suddenly were thrust into a world where it was not about competition but about purpose and belief. They had seen something miraculous, and together they chose to build the church, growing and maturing together as friends.

“All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.” (Act 2.44-47)

This went on for some time, and even though they later decided to go their own ways because of disagreements in approaches, their work and fellowship carried on among the believers. Friendships grew, and with it grew the church. And how were these friendships characterized? With deep trust, loyalty, love, and sacrifice. 

As for our bird friends, you can see these qualities in them when they choose to stay together, fight for one another, and seek understanding of who they are by finding others who are just like them. If a friendship is based on those concepts, that it is stronger than any common interest or locale can dictate. The measure of one’s friends can be seen in the deep roots of these factors. Without them, the friendship will not last the test of time. Charles Darwin once said, “A man’s friendships are one of the best measures of his worth.” If your friendships are based in these ideas, than your worth is invaluable.

As such, seek to develop long-lasting friendships, moving them beyond superficial aspects, digging a deeper foundation. Having friendships firmly set in these traits will guarantee relationships that outlast any sports season.

Amen.

Miracles are Both Magical and Not

Labeling something miraculous causes us to miss out on so many miracles in the process.

It’s a miracle my headache went away.

It’s a miracle we made it onto the airplane in time.

It’s a miracle I found my keys.

When we think about miracles, we frequently think of events that seemed very unlikely to work out but developed in a way that was extremely unexpected and favorable. For example, the famous “Miracle on Ice” hockey game from the 1980 Winter Olympics is cited as one of the most amazing wins ever by a sports team because the chances of the Americans winning were almost none. The Soviets had won the last six gold medals and were known for their hockey skills. Their team was composed of professionals, whereas the Americans were mostly amateurs, yet the Americans achieved a 4-3 victory against all expectations. Was that a miracle?

Or maybe you heard about someone whose illness went into remission regardless of the chances they were first given in regards to survival. A common story, this unanticipated blessing beat the odds, but does that make it a miracle even if it is still within the range of odds? Should we discount it as a miracle because it was a possibility?

“It’s a miracle!” is a phrase that we too often throw around, but how true is it? For some, a miracle needs to be something completely outside of the boundaries of our understanding, a situation that defies complete scientific explanation and could not have happened in a million years. 

So are the things we classify as miracles really as such, or are we thinking the wrong way about what constitutes a miracle?

Let’s look at what the Bible lists as actual miracles (many which are invoked by great leaders like Moses, Sampson, or Joshua, but most are by Christ). The many miracles of Jesus fall into three categories, with healing being the most common. A number of times, a sick or injured individual comes to Him, and based on His reputation, asks for healing: “A man with leprosy came to him and begged him on his knees, ‘If you are willing, you can make me clean.’ Jesus was indignant. He reached out his hand and touched the man. ‘I am willing,’ he said. ‘Be clean!’ Immediately the leprosy left him and he was cleansed” (Mark 1.40-42). The healing is instant and obvious, with no precedent or basis in logic. 

The other categories of miracles involve resurrection, with similar criteria, where Jesus raises a person from the dead (“When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, ‘Lazarus, come out!’ The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face” – John 11.43-44) along with  miracles involving weather and nature (“Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat…Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm” – Matthew 8.24 and 26). However, these don’t seem to fit the parameters that we currently call miracles when we label something as such. 

I don’t know about you, but I can’t remember the last time I saw anything even remotely resembling these three types of miracles. Does a miracle tend to be as magical as those described above? Or are they as everyday as we tend to sometimes suggest they are? Perhaps we are looking at miracles in the wrong way and through the wrong lens. We are both overusing the term and under-using it at the same time. 

We tend to throw “miracle” onto a number of easily explainable aspects that work to our favor; where situations are fortunate, we claim them as miraculous. A near miss in a car accident is fortunate, but unless something unexplainable has happened, it really isn’t a miracle. Losing an important possession and finding it through unlikely means is awesome, but miraculous? Not so much.

But just because something doesn’t fit the biblical criteria of a miracle, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be thankful for it or give God glory. When I lost my very expensive sunglasses at a restaurant, the waitress just happened to know who I was and took them home for me, returning them to me the next day. Coincidental? Yes. Wonderful? Absolutely. Miraculous? Not really, since the situation didn’t happen to involve unexplainable phenomena. But that I got my glasses back, I thank God every time I think of it—not because it was a miracle but because He found it to work in my favor. When  driving my recently purchased car and another car decided to cut across the road directly in front of me caused me to dangerously swerve. That I just missed a collision isn’t a miraculous result, but I still thank God every time I go through that intersection that it didn’t result in a crash. Just because something isn’t miraculous doesn’t make it wonderful.

And just because something is explainable doesn’t mean it isn’t miraculous. What I am suggesting is that we don’t attribute the label of miracle to things that truly are miraculous. Found glasses and avoided auto accidents are great, but we are selling ourselves short and missing the point. Instead, look to the everyday miraculous: we can scientifically explain how conception and birth occurs, but it’s still miraculous that it happens. The same goes for many other miracles of science and the gathering of that knowledge. Whether you believe that knowledge to be God-given or earned by the efforts of man’s research, it’s miraculous either way that we have it.

And sometimes miracles are found in even the smallest of places. For anyone who has improved another’s life by not giving up on a person: that is a truly miraculous relationship. I can think of students who had been dismissed as useless by everyone in their lives, but because a teacher invested time in them, they improved as a person. To those parents and that child, that investment is a miracle. For these reasons, we should be looking for the miraculous not in big magical moments but in the smaller stunning and astounding ones.

This week, weigh how you use the term “miracle” in your everyday life. Use it where appropriate, not throwing it around when fortunate events occur. Instead, remember that miracles don’t require magic and the supernatural: sometimes a miracle is just the blessing you’ve received from another.

Amen.

Image courtesy Alberto Miranda