Picking at Each Other is Death by a Thousand Cuts

Antagonistic attitudes and ornery outlooks are just asking for a troubled relationship.

I try to be as easy-going as possible, but when I get in a mood, any suggestion to help or fix my problem is the wrong answer. In our house, we call it “Mary, Mary quite contrary,” meaning that no matter what someone says as a solution, there’s a reason that ideas won’t work.

For example, let’s say that I need to get work done by a certain time. My wife will try to help by giving me suggestions for how I can maximize my time, consolidate my workload, break up work into sections for efficiency, etc. For each solution she gives me, if I am in a contrarian mood, I will find a reason why each of her solutions wouldn’t work. Hence, the “contrary” nickname. I see it in my son when he hasn’t eaten much, so everything in the world then seems wrong to him. What we don’t realize is that all of our obstacles are internal (his mood and appetite, the proverbial chip on my shoulder) rather than external. 

It’s this type of antagonistic fighting that causes relationships to fall into fights that could have been avoided if one person in the relationship is in full on sabotage mode. Although fighting can be healthy, needlessly picking on each other and egging each other on to start a pointless fight never helps the relationship grow. But Proverbs warns us to, “not make friends with a hot-tempered person, [or] associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared” (22.24-25), what do we do when that person is our partner, the individual we chose to never abandon?

Being able to identify the reasons why we fall into these traps is the initial step. Isolating the cause of this contentiousness helps us prevent self-sabotaging behavior and can reveal solutions for how to deal with ourselves and others when it starts. In addition to obvious triggers like hunger or lack of sleep (which are easily fixed) there are frequently less obvious reasons for our desire to pick on our partners.

You are bored.

Fights can be exciting. It breaks up a monotonous existence with a little chaos and unexpectedness. Sometimes individuals are so tired of the mundane that they start to pick and poke at each other just for the sake of getting a rise out of the other one. It’s a simple and unhealthy way of getting out of a rut and making a connection with the other person, albeit a damaging one. 

You are avoiding.

You probably have bigger issues that need to be discussed and dealt with, so rather than tackle the big things, you end up being petty and picking on each other with the little ones. It’s a shorter, easier path to conflict/resolution instead of looking at what’s really the issue between the two of you.

You want intimacy.

Frequently, picking at the other person is a cry for help for a deeper connection and more attention but don’t really know how to ask for it. A lack of physical intimacy can also trigger this behavior, as one person may not know how to approach the other for this request.

You need attention.

Poking at the other person’s vulnerable spots and being outright ornery is a way to get attention when you are feeling ignored. (I have seen many students who don’t get the attention they crave so they act out as that’s the only attention they can get.) The same goes for our relationships when we don’t feel the other’s gaze enough.

You desire control.

Sometimes people become antagonistic even when things are going well. During that time, they feel out of control and anxious, as if at any moment things will go bad. Picking on the other person gives a certain sense of control because that person is in control of the antagonism.

You have bad habits.

Other times, it’s nothing more than a habit you perpetuate because it’s your go-to default. You have no real reason to fight other than it’s what you’ve always done in the past.

Knowing what’s at root with the other person when they start to pick on you helps a tremendous deal in diagnosing the problem. Once you reveal the cause, you can start to address it practically and help the other person through it. But what about when you yourself are the perpetrator of the picking? What if you’re the one initiating the fights and your partner is helpless to engage in it, combat you, or help you get through it? Taking some steps to deescalate yourself and diffuse your barbs will allow for smoother relationship sailing.

Taking yourself out of the situation by walking away and having a brief time-out could help you reassess and reflect. Sometimes it’s good to just walk away rather than engage and find yourself trapped in that cycle. In Paul’s first letter to Peter, he encourages him to, “not repay evil with evil or insult with insult.” (3.9), and sticking around might lead to that. It doesn’t have to be long, as just a break from the situation makes you readjust your mindset. Writing down your feelings can help to get it out, as we often feel better once it’s no longer inside us. Reflecting on what led you to this spot, or identifying the trigger, also helps bridge the gap between the two of you. 

At that point, you can start to focus more on your partner and your perceptions of them. Give them the benefit of the doubt and assume innocence. Decide if this is a battle worth fighting: too often we pick battles not worth our time. Finally, communicate in a less emotionally damaging way what you are upset or worried about. That offering of your vulnerability and show of needs will allow for compromise and resolution.

Paul’s first letter to the Thessalonians asks that we “make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else” (5.15). Identifying the cause and taking steps towards a solution that doesn’t involve the prodding of each other will lead you towards that striving, putting an end to the goading of each other into a fight. Thoughtfully reflecting upon how you got there and where you are headed will give you the healing steps you need so as to not tear each other down piece by piece but rather to lift each other up a step at a time.

Amen.

The Fight That’s Been Going on For Years

Why are you having the same messy fight over and over? You aren’t approaching it from the right angle.

“For the last 30 years, you haven’t gotten this right!” is a sentence I’ve heard a few too many times.

Despite our best efforts to break some fighting cycles, like many we tend to return to the same fight again and again in our relationship. Yes, as I’ve mentioned, fighting is good for a couple. It clears the air between you two and lets you both know how the other feels: it makes sure that no one is holding anything in and building up steam. But what happens when the two of you keep returning to the same fight again and again, seemingly getting nowhere with it?

There are many reasons people keep having the same fight because one party does not feel that the issue has ever been resolved. Why not? Well, first let’s classify them into two categories: solvable and unsolvable. 

Solvable 

I read of a mom whose children would leave wet towels on the floor after a shower and then use a new towel because theirs was wet. She tried reasoning with them to not take new towels and hang up the ones they used after showering and reuse it next time. She explained how it disrespected her, wreaked havoc on the environment and her laundry, and even tried punishments by taking away cell phones and gaming systems. Nothing worked. Finally, someone suggested that she hide the new towels so they were forced to use the old one even if it was wet. With the cunning of Jacob pretending to be his brother Esau, she solved her problem and her kids eventually learned to hang the wet towels up.

Seems easy enough to solve, but it was a repeated conflict. Why? As she claims, it is because she was more concerned with being correct than being effective. The triggered behaviors from those wet towels clouded her thinking and she mislabeled her children’s actions as intentionally hurtful. She also realized that this mislabeling was linked to childhood baggage, which caused her to want to win the fight rather than create an effective solution. 

Learning to think clearly in a repeating conflict often leads to one of two situations: you find an effective solution or you let go of the issue. For example, my son’s friends are constantly over our house. I love it: it’s a lot of cacophony and chaos as they shoot basketball, film TikTok videos, conquer video games, and design forts out of our TV room. While here, we also feed them, which gets very expensive. I’ve been lamenting the fact that none of these parents ever offer to pitch in with the cost or have the kids over their house to feed them. My resentment grew until I adjusted my thinking and realized that they are not intentionally making this decision. In fact, I realized that they view us as well-off and can easily afford these things because we do it so frequently and easily. Although we are not rich by far, we can afford these things and I’m grateful that I can provide great memories for my son’s childhood. Proverbs helped me learn that, “starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out” (17.14). So, I’ve been able to let this perpetual issue go once I reframed it in my mind, and I now find my mood happier and more at peace. Again, reframing thinking helped to solve the perpetual problem.

Unsolvable

Then there are the perpetual unsolvable problems, the ones where you and your partner are gridlocked, cannot seem to reconcile, and no reframing of mind leads to either a solution or a release of the issue. These are issues where each person feels that they are spinning their proverbial wheels and can’t come to a consensus as to how to appease both parties. For these, we need to get to the heart of why this issue consistently rears its ugly head to figure out how to handle it:

• The argument may be an indication of a deeper issue. It’s not just about dishes and laundry, it’s about feeling supported. Have both people find out what this fight is really about and tackle it from there.
• Expectations may not be accurate. One person may be unreasonable as to what they want from the other. Checking with other people outside of the relationship helps set the standard for what is reasonable. 
• Your memories of the past are your trigger. You may be reminded of past problems you had with someone else that you fear will manifest themselves in this new person. Past failures and issues sometimes create insecurities in present relationships. 

Learning what is at heart in these gridlocked issues sometimes helps remove fuel from the fire. Proverbs explains that “without wood a fire goes out; without a gossip a quarrel dies down” (26.20) You may not be able to solve it, but when you discover the origin of the argument, you learn to slowly take away what stokes it.

Once you can figure out the root of the argument, there are some key character traits to employ that will lead to resolving it, keeping you from repeating the same issues. Patience is one of them. When something is broken in our life, we are used to fixing it quickly. A leaky pipe brings in a plumber, an appliance breaks and you get a new one. Relationships aren’t quite as easy, as they take time to fix. It won’t happen overnight, so don’t expect it to, but a commitment to fixing it goes a long way to healing. The other trait is honesty, not only with your partner but with yourself. Learn to self-examine and be open about what is bothering you and what lies at the heart of the issue. This analysis will lead you to manage the argument and better handle yourself and your partner.

Paul’s second letter to Timothy encourages us away from the solvable arguments and beyond the unsolvable ones: “Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful” (2.23-24). It takes great effort and patience, but it is well worth the time to give towards introspection given the amount of effort often put towards repeating arguments. Taking the time to categorize your issues as solvable or unsolvable, and then taking steps to either find solutions or healing, will break the cyclical arguments that divide you and your partner and will lead to a more peaceful relationship.

Amen.

When Stalemate Fights Develop into Relationship Standoffs

Win or lose, it’s a bloodbath. Try hearing instead.

A whistle in the distance…a rolling tumbleweed…squinty eyes…itchy trigger fingers. Looks like we’ve got an old-fashioned standoff! Yeehaw!

My wife said to me the other day that she and I don’t have many actual fights in our relationship but rather we have a variety of standoffs, where each person has his or her own ideas and won’t budge on them. We are two alphas constantly butting heads and refusing to back down.

Hearing those words made me rethink a lot of how we approach each other in conflict. It reframed our disagreements for me, seeing them not as people angry at each other but as individuals strategizing to be heard. It also made me realize that in every fight we have, there is a potential winner and loser, and even when you win, you lose.

Our most recent standoff? We have had a long-standing one in our relationship. The proverbial thorn in our side, where we have each stood our ground firmly and refused to concede.

Apple vs. Samsung.

I have been a die-hard Apple user since iPhone 3. In it for the long haul, I love my iPhone and get a new one every year. It is everything I’ve ever wanted and more. Years ago, my wife dug in her heels with Samsung and only conceded this year when our son switched over to iPhone. (His friends all have one and she wanted to be able to stay in close contact with him—the two opposing services don’t communicate well with each other otherwise.) 

Since then, she has kicked and screamed about her iPhone because it doesn’t do what she wants it to do. So the other night, when she had trouble with it connecting to her car, that standoff came center stage. 

It began as most fights and standoffs do, with an expression of frustration. I tried just listening, but after a few minutes, she didn’t feel heard. (Even though one can be in listening mode, that doesn’t mean the other person feels heard.) You see, she wanted some concession from the lot of us iPhone users, where we would break out of our collective “cult-craze zombie-like acceptance” (her words)  and see the light that Samsung is better.

Now, this all seems silly written down, but remember that standoffs aren’t always about the issue. Often, as I’ve mentioned before, they are about the history between the two parties. When a couple disagrees, it’s about all the other things that the other person has ever done. So, to help recontextualize the stalemate, it’s important to see the other person not as an aggressor but as someone who feels unappreciated. According to relationship therapist Esther Perel, fights bring susceptibilities to the surface and are frequently difficult to solve because both involved parties misunderstand what is at the root of the problem: hurt and vulnerability. Because of this misunderstanding, couples end up having the same fight over and over because each feels vulnerable and not heard. To truly win the argument, couples need to take steps to break the loop. 

The first step is to recontextualize it not as a fight to be won: there is no right or wrong side. The goal is then shifted away from winning and moves towards understanding where the other person is coming from. It becomes much more productive that way as each person starts to retract their alpha horns and back off. In John 13, Christ takes all of the rules of life and boils it down to this: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another” (34-35). Putting love first and winning last achieves this goal.

In addition, don’t try to make your partner see your perspective, as that also creates a push and pull scenario between the two of you. Instead, shift your goals towards understanding the other person’s perspective by examining feelings and experiences. Remember, there is a difference between listening and hearing. I tend to listen, which means I get quiet during a fight. Unfortunately that is perceived as a dismissal, where the other person thinks you are shutting down. Instead, actively listen, where you ask questions that help to shed light on areas that your partner feels you are in the dark about. It’s hard, but Ephesians 4 asks us to “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (2-3). Letting them know that you are actively listening paves a path of love for the both of you to travel together. 

And if you are on the other side and are the one coming in hot with the argument, avoid accusations and judgments on the other person. Frame your issues with how you are feeling and why you feel defensive about an issue. Explaining that you feel attacked rather than accusing the other person of attacking you puts emotions at the center and allows for empathy. Ephesians asks that we “walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (5:2). Avoiding an attack by focusing on how you feel rather than what the other person did allows for that walk. Seeking to find common ground and relating to each other’s feelings also models that love for the other person, and sometimes even persuades them to act likewise. For us, we might still disagree about our phones, but at least we are understanding each other’s emotions and aren’t in a stalemate.

Roaming the romantic wild west and coming across the occasional relationship standoff is a given. Good couples fight, and when they do, it can often lead down the wrong path. Be sure to set that path straight not by framing your argument about who’s right or wrong or how much the other person hurt you, but instead by developing it around your vulnerabilities, the emotions the issue evoked, and how you want to understand the other person’s point of view. In a stalemate, no one wins, but in a relationship framed with empathy, everyone does.

Amen.

Looking to Get into Heaven? It’s More Complicated than You Realize

We think we know a lot about the afterlife, but the truth is more cloudy than we can imagine.

White robes, glowing halos, cloudy streets of gold and pearly gates, St. Peter with a big book of names: it’s what most Christians view heaven as. But as we found out in last week’s devotion on constructs, turns out we don’t know much about heaven at all. And on the topic of getting there, we might be even more uncertain.

First a refresher: constructs are when a society creates and agrees upon a specific rule or concept they will all follow and adhere to throughout their time together. Everything from property lines to beauty standards: they are all constructs. Christianity also has its constructs, usually based on assumptions and individual interpretation, and the issues arise when we believe that the constructs are actually Biblical and are willing to fight people on it.

In fact, there are a lot of things we think are in the Bible that actually aren’t. For example, Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge sharing what with one another? Most would say an apple, but the Bible never does. It only says a fruit, which could be a mango, papaya, or pear (Genesis 3.6). How about Christ’s birth: how many wise men were there? The Bible only says that wise men showed up and had three gifts, so we assumed there were three of them (Matthew 2.1-12). And how about those famous Bible verses like “this too shall pass”, “God will not give you more than you can handle”, or “money is the root of all evil”? Nope, none of these are in there: they are all created by society and we assumed they were in the Bible.

So how about getting into heaven? We mentioned that there are only a few mentions of heaven in the Bible as is, so let’s examine what is true and what is not about going there.

Good people go to heaven

In Albert Brooks’s fantastic comedy “Defending Your Life,” the main character dies in the opening moments and spends the rest of the film in a heavenly courtroom. There, scenes of his life are played back to him as a prosecutor and defending attorney attempt to determine whether he is a good person or not. Once a person is established as “good,” you get to go on into heaven. Christians have a similar concept of judgment, usually involving a cosmic scale that puts all of our good deeds on one side and bad deeds on the other, but the Bible supports no such unit of weights and measures. So how DO you get an admittance ticket?

The problem is that good and evil are just constructs, too. Try this example: A stranger comes to my house and my dog bites him. Is my dog a good dog or a bad dog? She is good, because she defended the house against strangers, but she is also bad because she caused pain to someone. Good and bad often depends upon perspective, so that’s out.

Your faith will save you

Many Christians consider faith as a prerequisite for entrance, as Christ mentions in John 14.6: “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” Churches have interpreted that belief in Christ as savior is the way into heaven, but that is just an interpretation and seems to forget that James 2.17 tells us that, “In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.” And don’t forget repentance as mentioned in Acts 2.38 which may also be the key that unlocks those pearly gates: “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins.” So is it about asking for forgiveness? Faith? Works? It’s mostly up to how different groups interpret scripture.

We are saved if we say “The Sinner’s Prayer”

The Bible also mentions God’s mercy, grace, and forgiveness (Ephesians 2:8-9 states, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast.”) which suggests that even the most immoral person has a chance at entrance if they ask for forgiveness. Just say the magic words!

Thus, many believe in this singular prayer where confession, acceptance of forgiveness, repentance, and faith are all invoked, which are all similar to this one as said by Rev. Billy Graham:

Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner, and I ask for Your forgiveness. I believe You died for my sins and rose from the dead. I turn from my sins and invite You to come into my heart and life. I want to trust and follow You as my Lord and Savior. In Your Name. Amen.

Although based in Biblical ideas and Christian concepts (it is inspired by Romans 10.9 – “If you declare with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”), there is nothing in the Bible that suggests that if you say these words then you are issued an immediate heavenly ticket. Sorry.

After death, Heaven awaits

Well, at least no matter how bad this life gets, we have heaven to look forward to in the next one, right? Unfortunately, this concept is not Biblically based either but is built off of Medieval ideas of a post-death paradise. There is nothing that says that heaven is our next stop on the line, the place where all the faithful go. Mentions of “My Father’s house” (John 14.2) and “a building from God, an eternal house in heaven” (2 Corinthians 5.1) are written about, but other than being able to ultimately spend an eternity with God, we don’t really know what that entails or if there is another stop before we get there. 

Essentially, heaven is a mystery.  We have faith that we will be given a peaceful existence in a place that is heavenly, but the truth is that given our limited perspective and brain power as humans, we probably can’t conceptualize what lies after this word (“the undiscovered country” as Hamlet calls it, and suggests that since we don’t know what lies after, all we can do is be open and ready for whatever lies next—“the readiness is all”). 

All these realizations can be discouraging, but only if you let them be. Since we cannot be sure of anything about heaven (sorry, Mr. Burpo), we can enjoy the mystery and not be limited in our thinking about it. Then, perhaps we won’t stand against each other so firmly with things we really aren’t too sure about. Rather than drawing lines between groups, we should be embracing the shared experience of faith and the unknowable hereafter. 

This week, don’t allow these realizations to shake your faith but rather allow them to open up your faith to the possibility of the unknowable, the wonderful mystery of faith and the afterlife. That approach won’t shake your faith but will definitely shake the self-righteousness that so pervades our world, allowing for an empathetic understanding of others and their ideas. The truth is that we really don’t know much, and that lack of knowledge is freeing. Don’t be self-righteous and let misconceptions about your faith guide your actions; instead let a search for wisdom and an embracing of the mystery guide your life journey.

Amen.

When Repaeted Mistakes Keep Repaeting

It’s a vicious cycle that might break once we accept its presence.

We’ve all made a fair amount of mistakes in our lives. If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably been making a lot of the same mistakes over and over again. Actress Mae West was quoted as saying, “I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure,” which sums up our experience pretty well.

While currently learning a new language, I find myself making many of the same mistakes repeatedly. In the exercises (on Duolingo), when you get a translation wrong, it makes you redo that translation at the end of the lesson. And the fun part: it makes you redo the translation EVERY time you get it wrong. So, there are times when I get so stuck, when I hit a mental wall, when I can’t absorb anything beyond what I currently know—it’s then that I get stuck in a cycle of making the same mistakes again and again.

Similarly, I continue to make repeated mistakes in my close relationships. For example, when someone comes to me with a perceived offense, I am too quick to respond with a plea of innocence which only exacerbates the situation. I know I shouldn’t respond that way, and I don’t do it with strangers, but I still repeat those mistakes. WHY?!?

According to behavioral and data scientist Dr. Pragya Agarwal, there are many factors working against us. First, are heuristics—shortcuts made in our brains as a result of a world overloaded with information. With so much going on around us, our minds filter out as much as they can and create neural shortcuts, or templates which get endlessly reused, saving mental energy and conserving resources. 

You see, our brains think that the world is a certain way because of the patterns it’s recognized in the past, and as a result, it thinks those patterns still exist even though we keep telling it that they don’t. The way we’ve self-wired our brains causes us to repeat the mistakes we do, because even when we know we are repeating our misguided words and actions, we are helpless to change because our brains are wired to respond in that predetermined way.

Also against us? Our egos which compel us to stick with what we believe to be true. Being fragile, our egos don’t like to be told that their way of doing things is wrong, so the mind protects it by acting the way we always have.

And not to be left out—we have an internal bias that suggests that if we’ve done something a number of times, we will continue to do it despite the diminishing results.

In short, we suck at fixing our repeated mistakes.

In the past, I’ve discussed the importance of admitting mistakes and getting back up on that proverbial horse. The author of Proverbs indicates that seeking to correct mistakes is a sign of good character: “for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again, but the wicked stumble when calamity strikes” (24.16). It is good to fix your mistakes, but as we’ve seen, the more we try to rewire our brains and stop mistakes from repeating, the more fruitless the pursuit seems to be. So how should we approach our repeated mistakes if science tells us that there is little we can actually do to remap our thought patterns?

I asked a question today of my students: From whom have you learned the most in life? Many said the obvious parental answers, but one student said himself, as he has learned most from the mistakes he’s made. And he is profoundly right, but more importantly, that he is not afraid to publicly admit that he makes mistakes helps him to break that cycle. By admitting our nature in being people who make mistakes, we become comfortable with who we are, which in turn alleviates the shame in repeating them. This process leads to a breaking of the cycle.

On a TV show, I observed a character badly mess up a kitchen restaurant situation that caused all the power to go out. He was out sulking in the back alley when the owner came to talk to him. Their conversation went like this:

I won’t make a mistake again. 

Yeah, you will. But not ’cause you’re you, just ’cause (stuff) happens.

He admitted fault, which was a great first step, but he followed it up with a shameful admission about how he would not repeat his mistake. Up until this point, he’d been sulking, but once the owner let him know that we all repeat our mistakes and that’s okay, he smiled and realized that making repeated mistakes is just who we are. 

When ashamed of our mistakes, we become uncomfortable with the thought of making them, so we hide them from others. That secretive nature leads us to repeat them. Why? Because we are not open to new information and are more worried about image than change. Isaiah suggests that we let our mistakes define us and forget that we don’t need to feel shame from them: ”Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool” (1:18). If we can get ourselves to the point of being comfortable with the idea that yes, we will make mistakes and that is okay, then we have a chance at not repeating our mistakes.

To develop this mentality, we should see our mistakes not as the end of the world but as an opportunity to receive joy for the forgiveness we receive when we ask for it. In his parable about the lost sheep, Christ tells us that, “there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance” (Luke 15.7). Seeing ourselves as candidates for love and forgiveness alleviates the shame we feel as a result of making mistakes. Getting comfortable about our mistake-filled nature allows for lessons to be learned and growth to happen

This week, as you see the mistakes you make, do not be so hard on yourself. Take a breath and know that making mistakes is a part of life and doesn’t label you as a bad person. Don’t hide your misjudgments and miscalculations but let others know that you messed up, as it will alleviate the anguish you feel and help you to remap those seemingly unchangeable mental pathways. You’re going to mess up, and that’s okay: getting used to it will make it even better.

Amen.

Your Mistakes Will Haunt You if You Let Them

Don’t let the ghosts of your past have power over you. Drive them out instead.

With this month being Halloween, I thought it might be a good idea to visit some of my old haunts and scare up the ghosts of times gone by.

Or in other words, I cleaned out my file cabinet.

It’s a four drawer rusty old metal container that sits in our garage and has been a catch-all for multiple documents for years. It’s a cornucopia of warranties and receipts, travel pamphlets and tickets, love notes and newspaper clippings. It’s the history of our family for the last three decades, showing not only who we are but how we interact, where we go, and what we buy. The enormity of it has haunted me as it sits down there.

So, I felt that it was time to get rid of some ersatz things that were just taking up space in it. It’s been a lot of fun going through it all and reminiscing. There have been so many people who have impacted my life in so many ways, and seeing their contributions and encouraging words is a friendly reminder that not all ghosts are scary. The encouraging notes from friends and family helped me remember how often so many people contributed to being who I am. But keeping everything makes one a hoarder, so it was time to thin it out.

Simplicity is a key to happiness, and getting rid of things is good for the soul, so into the trash went many items that no longer needed to be kept. I started with the easy files by getting rid of instructional pamphlets for things I no longer owned. I worked my way through old mortgages and house purchases for places where I no longer live. Some people and notes had lost context over time, and although they meant a lot to me then, I could no longer remember either who they were or what the situation was. (Having lived in several states and met tens of thousands of people, my mind tends to act as a sieve.) So sadly, those friendly ghosts had lost their power.

Being a pack rat, I save not only the good but also the bad. Mixed among these happy memories were also some that I would prefer to forget. And those were the ghosts that were not so friendly, the ones that haunted me the most.

Among the detritus, I came across letters that I was not too proud of, evil spirits that refused to let go of me. Being human, and a work in progress, I have made my fair share of mistakes. I have said the wrong things, spoken when I should not have, and handled situations poorly. More specifically, there were two papers that highlighted mistakes I made on my jobs. One was from college, working as an RA, where I came across two residents drinking and did not say the right things to them. The other was from a previous teaching job, where although the specifics were not written, I clearly had handled a moment incorrectly and was being reprimanded for it.

Seeing those two papers, I looked back on those moments with horror and deep embarrassment. Both situations were over 20 years ago, and since then I have grown and matured past those types of behaviors. Like the Psalmist who reflects on his mistakes, “I have considered my ways and have turned my steps to your statutes” (119:59), I had already admitted fault and worked hard to be better, living as one who reacts with kindness and humanity, avoiding being impetuous and reactionary. Those documents were reminders of who I was, not who I am. It hurt me to have to read them again. I kept them because I refuse to ignore my mistakes or pretend I don’t make them, but clearly I was causing pain to myself to revisit them. 

So, I took a deep breath, walked over to my office, and shredded those papers.

Leading up to that moment, I was really unsure if that was the right decision, but as soon as I did, I felt a weight lift from me. In going through those files, the happy times weren’t what were sticking with me: it was these two papers. They had immense spectral power, and I hadn’t realized how much I was allowing them to define me. By shredding them, I was admitting to myself that those moments were no longer who I am: they are who I was. In his pleas regarding his former mistakes, the Psalmist makes it a point to ask for God’s forgiveness and forgetfulness: “Do not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you, Lord, are good” (25:7). When we allow our past mistakes to shape our current identity by holding on to them, we lose sight of who we are and do not allow forgiveness and forward movement. 

In the book of Isaiah, God speaks to the nation of Israel and reminds them that they are a forgiven people: “I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more” (43:25). When God forgives, He forgets, so it is only us that are reminding ourselves of our mistakes. We refuse to forgive ourselves, continuously punishing our minds by remembering the missteps we took. Instead of being filled with grace and forgiveness, we choke on regret, insecurity, and doubt: feelings those papers arose in me. There was no good reason to keep them, just like there is no good reason to move ourselves past our mistakes. 

In Paul’s letter to the Philippians, he wrote about how he could have fixated on the Christian persecutions he ordered before his conversion but instead chose to look ahead: “One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead” (3:13). If he dwelled on his past mistakes, he wouldn’t have built the church, grew its numbers, or written so many books of the Bible. Instead, he would have regularly beaten himself up over who he was rather than work with who he is. This week, work to forget the mistakes of your past by getting rid of the reminders that haunt you in your life. We have no control over what we did but we can respond with requests for forgiveness and desires for growth. And once forgiven, always forgiven. Your mistakes and you are as far from each other as the east is from the west, so stop acting like they are still a part of you. Establish a growth mindset, not a punished one, and the ghostly chains of your past mistakes will lose all their power and fall away before you know it.

Amen.

Suffering the Screams of Small Children

Bearing the annoyances of others is a more compassionate response than fixing their path.

I love having the windows open at my house. Feeling the warm breeze sweep through while the curtains flutter is both invigorating and soothing at the same time. Having them open to nature also allows for the calming soft patter of raindrops as they gently soak the lawn, while at night, gentle crickets chirps create a symphony that lulls me to sleep.

However, having the windows open also allows for neighborhood sounds, which usually isn’t a problem, except when it’s the shrieking 4-year-old across the street.

They moved in sometime in the winter, so we hadn’t noticed anything until these past few months. And when we did, it was impossible to avoid. The parents open the doors and let her out of the house in the very early morning, and she screams her brains out until nine at night. It’s not consistent, which actually might be better because I could just tune that out: it’s sporadic, surprising, ear-piercing, and right next door. And it is driving me insane.

The family lives in a small house with a big yard, so kick her out and let her run like a wild banshee the whole day. She screams when she plays, when she gets hurt, when she’s excited, and whenever she feels like it. And no one there does anything to stop her or console her. In fact, they rarely interact with her. She is left to her own devices, running around and caterwauling in her vast yard. And if she’s not screaming, then her slightly younger sister is there making high-pitched barking noises. It’s a cacophony of nails against multiple chalkboards that puts my teeth on edge and provokes my desire to march over there and fix not only that kid but those parents, too.

Being that it’s destroying my peace, a big part of me wants to speak to those parents about the noise pollution that is pouring into my windows. I am also feeling the need to set them straight by telling them how to properly parent their kids. But is it my place to do so? 

Many morally upstanding people tend to feel the need to correct others when they see them in need of it. There is even a Biblical basis for it, too, as some interpret it to be. In James’s letter to the twelve scattered tribes, he writes as a warning: “My brothers and sisters, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring that person back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sins” (5:19-20). As such, many feel the need to constantly “fix” people because they think that it’s their duty and sworn right, but we can all agree that a self-righteous approach like that is never received well.

For example, I feel the need to point out people’s bad driving, usually with an audible blast of my horn. They may be driving under the speed limit, not turning when they are supposed to, sticking out too far in the road, whatever. I need to make my point, letting them know that they are in violation of the rules of the road, and send them on the correct way. (I’m doing the world a favor!) My hope is that when they hear my correction, they will collectively smack their hands to their heads in a moment of realization, and promise the heavens and society to never be that ignorant of the law ever again. (At least that’s how it plays out in my head.)

But pointing out their faults never results in that outcome. Instead, they end up riding my bumper, fly some rude hand gestures, and shout their opinions about my own driving. My self-righteousness breeds anger and resentment, not renunciation and pleas of forgiveness. Additionally, when I “correct” other drivers, I feel no sense of accomplishment or joy myself. I have perpetuated a cycle of anger and hatred, where I have not only externalized it but internalized it as well. 

Paul’s letter to the Romans asks that we “accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God” (15:7). We forget that even when we were unlikable and unloveable, there were those who loved us despite our nature. That level of unconditional love, where we accept others as they are, is at the source of compassion. It was first given to us, so why are we so resistant in giving it to others? How can we claim to love others when we are quick to show anger towards those who annoy us? 

In Pauls’ letter to the Colossians, he asks that despite our perceived injustices, we should “bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (3:13). The key to dealing with those annoying drivers and shrieky neighborhood children (and their nonparticipant parents) is to bear with them, which is easier said than done. But when I step away from my emotional state and think about the situation with my head and heart, I begin to see the offender in a new light. I develop empathy and compassion towards them when I become curious and start to wonder what their lives are like, why they act that way, and what led them to that point. I don’t know what their struggles are or what emotions they are currently dealing with. If I were to have a conversation with any of the involved parties, I’m sure I wouldn’t mind their awkward driving and senseless screaming children. I would begin to understand them better.

By being curious and seeking understanding, we gain wisdom regarding other people’s circumstances. Proverbs 19:11 tells us that, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” If we seek to gain wisdom rather than responding with knee-jerk emotion, we can put ourselves in each others’ shoes and develop compassion towards their positions. It takes some patience, humility, and restraint, but it ultimately promotes peace and understanding as well as true personal satisfaction, as opposed to the fleeting satisfaction of an emotional response. This week, rather than indulge in fuming judgment when others annoy you, resist the urge to fix them and instead seek wisdom and patience through meditation and the practice of compassion. Make more attempts to understand others and their personal situations and perhaps even you may be able to bear the shrieks of children.

Amen.

You Deserve to be the Happiest Person in the World

Choosing compassion and unconditional love is the path that will lighten your load.

What do you deserve?

If you were to ask Hamlet, he would suggest that if we treat everyone the way they deserve, “who shall ‘scape whipping?”, but I suggest that people deserve a little better than that. The question is a basic human rights issue, where we must look at what people are entitled to. Most agree that we all deserve food, water, and shelter—basic survival aspects of our existence—so our charity efforts are often focused on providing these needs through monetary donations. Others argue that healthcare is a right, how everyone should have access to it, so we have legislators who work to pass laws providing medical assistance to those who cannot afford it, and we send volunteers and doctors to countries who have no one to aid them. 

Then there are aspects that are not so clear cut because of how we feel about certain people, such as what human emotions people have a right to. It’s nice to think that everyone deserves to be happy and loved, but I’m sure you can think of a neighbor or relative that defies that description. Dignity and worth are other valid emotions, but should everyone feel that? Perhaps. These are all positive and beneficial feelings that we can agree most people should feel, but should anyone be deserving of negative emotions?

More specifically, do people deserve hatred? 

Most would probably balk at that question, as we cannot imagine indulging in our hatred for another, but aren’t there some people who should be hated? Aren’t the dregs of society, murderers, rapists, and genocidal madmen worthy of our scorn? It seems almost irresponsible to suggest that we shouldn’t hate certain dictators and serial killers. When we start to talk about how everyone deserves forgiveness and compassion, that’s where some people draw the line, yet if you ask Matthieu Ricard, he’s a lot more open to the idea.

Known as “the world’s happiest man,” Ricard is a former cellular geneticist turned Buddhist monk who authors books on wisdom, altruism, and happiness. In a recent New York Times interview, Ricard was asked what his happiness secret was, and ultimately it came down to, “I cannot imagine feeling hate or wanting someone to suffer.” The key to his happiness is compassion, that in a world of strife, suffering, and division, he wants everyone to be happy: 

When we speak of compassion, you want everybody to find happiness. No exception. You cannot just do that for those who are good to you or close to you. It has to be universal. You may say that Putin and Bashar al-Assad are the scum of humanity, and rightly so. But compassion is about remedying the suffering and its cause. How would that look? You can wish that the system that allowed someone like that to emerge is changed…You can wish that the cruelty, the indifference, the greed may disappear from these people’s minds. 

For him, compassion lacks any moral judgment, being a desire to “remedy suffering wherever it is, whatever form it takes and whoever causes it.” He feels that no one should be hated, no matter how bad they are, because he doesn’t hate the person or wish for bad things to happen to them: he just hopes that they change.

For example, as I sit here writing this devotional outside, I am being attacked by mosquitos. Do I hate mosquitos? Perhaps, but more importantly I hate that they want to bite me. Compassion is a desire for individual and societal change where the behavior stops or alters for the better. If the mosquitos didn’t bite me, I probably wouldn’t hate them, as they are creatures created from love. For those we find loathsome and detestable, how we view them is key to being capable of compassion for all.

So what’s the solution? In Paul’s letter to the Colossians, he tells us to, “Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience” (3:12), with compassion being the first thing we put on. But what happens when our wardrobe lacks the necessary garments?

The answer is through unconditional love. In John’s Gospel, the local leaders challenged Jesus with a seemingly unsolvable problem, but He found that compassion and unconditional love would solve it: “The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, ‘Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?’”(John 8.3-4). By publicly humiliating the woman, the Pharisees attempted to trap Him by being indifferent (the opposite of compassion). He refused to respond to their attempts at public shaming and remained silent for a great deal of time in an effort to quiet the crowd: “When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, ‘Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her” (7). Eventually, they all dropped their stones and left, and Christ forgave her. His compassion and unconditional love changed the course of her life.

As with Jesus, Ricard feels that compassion is found through unconditional love, so how do we cultivate it? “When you are in that moment of unconditional love — say, for a child — this fills our mind for 30 seconds, maybe a minute, then suddenly it’s gone. We all have experienced that. The only difference now is to cultivate that in some way. Make it stay a little longer. Try to be quiet with it for 10 minutes, 20 minutes. If it goes away, try to bring it back. Give it vibrancy and presence. That’s exactly what meditation is about. If you do that for 20 minutes a day, even for three weeks, this will trigger a change.”

This week, squash hatred and cultivate compassion. Think of those for whom you have unconditional love and develop that feeling beyond those boundaries with meditation and reflection. When you find yourself leaning towards contempt for another, see beyond what they do and instead see them as a creation of God and nature, developed out of love, and remember that unconditional love that you are capable of. Seek out compassion for them, seeing them not as evil but as a product of a broken world, one who is capable of being better. By developing compassion through unconditional love, you will find your happiness too, seeing that this world deserves not the hatred it gets but the love you have to give it.

Amen.

Conflict Is Inevitable, but Resentment and Anger Are Not

When others don’t apologize, it’s okay for you to move past the conflict.

Conflict is never easy to navigate. Most people try to avoid it at all costs. Some even allow others to walk over them to steer clear of an argument. It’s scary, but sometimes its necessary to achieve a situation where both parties are satisfied. So what happens when you choose to engage, and it doesn’t get resolved on both ends? Should you continue to harp on it until you get what you want?

I recently entered into a conflict with someone I’d known for years. She always had a somewhat sarcastic streak to her, but this time she had gone a little far with me. I was speaking to a group of people about a concern I had when she started to mock me. I decided that I was not going to accept or ignore her comments, so as scary as it was, I chose to engage in conflict. 

I told her that she should not speak to me like that, especially in front of everyone, because she was shaming me for who I was. She dismissed me immediately and doubled down on her comment. I could have ignored her, but I chose to engage in conflict again, telling her that she was being rude to me and that it was unacceptable. At that point, she began to back down, but she did not apologize as she should have.

Best case scenario is, of course, for her to apologize at some point to me, telling me that she was sorry for her derogatory comments. Maybe throw in an indication of regret with an expression of the importance of our friendship. But what happens when you don’t get those things you need after a conflict? In Luke 17:3-4, Christ instructs others: “So watch yourselves. ‘If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.'” Yet, what happens when the world just continues to spin, life goes on, and no one repents?

When others hurt us, it’s important to stand up for ourselves and make our case, but then what? How long should we stay angry or resentful towards them when we don’t get that apology? Actress Carrie Fisher once said that, “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Holding onto a grudge seems to only hurt the person holding on to it, but don’t I want her to repent and apologize?

In the film O Brother, Where Art Thou? lead Holly Hunter expresses anger and frustration at her good-for-nothing husband George Clooney. She says all she needs to say to him, and then sums up with, “I’ve said my peace and counted to three.” She refuses to engage in the conflict any further, and now it is up to him to fix the situation. It’s a funny moment, but a true one, too.

When conflict does arise and we choose to express ourselves, it is important to say what needs to be said, but repetition of the point is only a form of manipulation. It doesn’t achieve the end goal which is to stop or alter the behavior. In Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, he teaches them: “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (4.26-7). Staying angry at someone doesn’t benefit us and only opens the door for us to stumble.

It made me think of how I should face my friend the following day since she never apologized. I thought, if I act like nothing has happened the next time I see her, am I treating it like it didn’t affect me? My words from the previous day haven’t changed or been withdrawn, so no, it won’t come across that way. More importantly, why belabor a point when you’ve said what you’ve had to say to someone? It’s not really our job to draw out a correction or rebuke: that’s between them and God. Instead, it’s our job to put the proverbial ball into their court: I’ve said what I’ve had to say and now it’s up to you to fix yourself. So what is the point in me holding on to any anger against her? My initial anger was a reaction to her words, but continued anger is a choice where I should be choosing peace and resolution instead. I said my peace and counted to three, so I don’t need to choose anger or resentment: I can choose peace.

The next day when I saw her, I chose to live peacefully with her instead of striking up further conflict. I had expressed how I felt, and she knew that I felt that way. Had I chosen anger instead, it would have prolonged the conflict rather than resolved it. This anger might have even empowered her to lash out at me because of how I was then responding to her. Choosing peace created a clear boundary between us—she knows where it is and knows what will happen if she crosses it again. Choosing anger would have redrawn it. By choosing peace, I am not pushing her to reform but allowing for grace to exist between us. Additionally, maybe she needs time to process what happened, to reflect on the situation. Choosing anger shuts that reflection down but choosing peace causes introspection.

In his letter to the Romans, Paul tells them, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil… If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone… Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”(12:17-21). Conflict is inevitable, but what isn’t is our reaction afterwards. Choosing peace afterwards allows for forgiveness to settle in, healing to take hold, and changes to begin. Choosing anger once conflict is over only prolongs the conflict and destroys any chance at the relationship being mended and continued. Additionally, letting go of anger and resentment only leads to inner peace as those feelings may be tearing you up from within.

The next time conflict finds you, instead of resentment, choose peace and allow for inner and outer healing to begin.

Amen.

Not Admitting Wrong is Never Right

Your invading hubris may be causing you to overestimate just how right you are.

I’m currently watching several careers around me implode. Some are new at their jobs, some have been there a number of years, and some are veterans, yet at the center, they all have the same thing in common: they refuse to admit that they are wrong.

Without going into too much detail, suffice to say that these two taught inappropriate material to the point that the students felt deeply uncomfortable and the parents were rightfully outraged. Both have enough experience to know what is right and wrong, but the issue doesn’t come from the lesson plan; it comes from their reactions to being called out.

You see, both felt that they did nothing wrong. Both felt that they were being creative with their ideas and challenging kids to think outside of their comfort zones. Both felt that they are being persecuted for their ideas, yet both seem to be clearly wrong. Which happens to everyone, but more importantly, when the people around them were offended, both refused to apologize. Therein lies the problem: when you think you did the right thing yet people around you are upset, how should you react?

Hubris is frequently the factor that gets in the way when these mistakes are made. Hubris clouds judgment, where people end up making decisions with tremendous confidence that are subsequently bad for them and others. According to Effectiviology.com, hubris leads people to overestimate their abilities and ideas, thinking that they are better than they are, relying on them to the point that the people eliminate logic and reason from the process. Hubris fosters recklessness, causing impulsiveness and “an unwillingness to consider undesirable outcomes, (a) refusal to feel accountable to others, (with) difficulties in facing changing realities.” So people get hurt and no one apologizes.

With these two candidates, both fit the bill for hubris. They refuse to take responsibility for their actions or heal the hurt they’ve caused. They feel that they were right and so won’t budge, and unfortunately their example is the perfect encapsulation of what not to do when struck with hubris. 

One of the most hubristic people of the Bible is Saul of Tarsus, the man who would become Paul. For months after the rise of the Christian movement, Saul persecuted Christians, stoning and killing them because he thought that’s what God wanted him to do. A strict Pharisee, he felt that Christianity threatened the Jewish beliefs of his faith, that the Christian movement was blasphemous. It was then that Christ appeared to him and told him otherwise:

Suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him. He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?”

“Who are you, Lord?” Saul asked.

“I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,” he replied. “Now get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do.”…For three days he was blind, and did not eat or drink anything.

Act 9.3-9

For a man with such hubristic intentions, you would think that once his eyesight was restored, he would go after Christians with a fury that went far beyond his original actions. Instead, Saul admitted his error and worked to restore the harm he had done. His intentions were in the right place for his original work, but once he realized that he was wrong, instead of continuing in this incorrect vein he chose to work through his hubris. correcting his path and putting his efforts in a different direction. 

Confucius once said that, “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” It is common to make errors, as we are human. We will frequently be wrong, but how we handle it when our error is pointed out is what builds our character and leads us to victory.  There is a Japanese proverb that says, “Nana korobi ya oki,” which when translated means, “Fall down seven times, get up eight.” Our character is found not in the fall but in the rise. Hubris refuses to let us rise.

Christ tells a parable about a Pharisee and a tax collector. Both see the need to pray, but where one admits his faults and looks to rise, the other is filled with hubris and refuses to change:

The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’ But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’ 

I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.

Luke 18.10-14

The tax collector was willing to work through his hubris, admit mistakes, and seek forgiveness, and therefore he will be forgiven. Similarly, should our two initial candidates reject their hubris by showing remorse based on how they hurt and offended others, they might save their careers.

So how can we avoid hubris? First, awareness: look for excessive pride, overconfidence, and self-importance. When these qualities start to sneak into your behaviors, evaluate your actions and reflect on them with honesty. Listen to others and what they can contribute with their point of view. Learning to listen and care for others helps to put hubristic intentions at bay. Then admit to others that you’ve offended them and apologize. Too often, we don’t apologize because it translates to being wrong, but an apology also means that you admit to doing something you never intended to. Acknowledging their pain can go a long way with your own redemption.

Keeping hubris in check is vital to maintaining nurturing, empathetic relationships with others. And when you do fall, there is no shame in acknowledging your mistakes and admitting error in judgment. The error is when you refuse to admit wrong and push forward despite what everyone else is saying. Instead, learn to listen and care for others, and you will always rise an eighth time.

Amen.