When Stalemate Fights Develop into Relationship Standoffs

Win or lose, it’s a bloodbath. Try hearing instead.

A whistle in the distance…a rolling tumbleweed…squinty eyes…itchy trigger fingers. Looks like we’ve got an old-fashioned standoff! Yeehaw!

My wife said to me the other day that she and I don’t have many actual fights in our relationship but rather we have a variety of standoffs, where each person has his or her own ideas and won’t budge on them. We are two alphas constantly butting heads and refusing to back down.

Hearing those words made me rethink a lot of how we approach each other in conflict. It reframed our disagreements for me, seeing them not as people angry at each other but as individuals strategizing to be heard. It also made me realize that in every fight we have, there is a potential winner and loser, and even when you win, you lose.

Our most recent standoff? We have had a long-standing one in our relationship. The proverbial thorn in our side, where we have each stood our ground firmly and refused to concede.

Apple vs. Samsung.

I have been a die-hard Apple user since iPhone 3. In it for the long haul, I love my iPhone and get a new one every year. It is everything I’ve ever wanted and more. Years ago, my wife dug in her heels with Samsung and only conceded this year when our son switched over to iPhone. (His friends all have one and she wanted to be able to stay in close contact with him—the two opposing services don’t communicate well with each other otherwise.) 

Since then, she has kicked and screamed about her iPhone because it doesn’t do what she wants it to do. So the other night, when she had trouble with it connecting to her car, that standoff came center stage. 

It began as most fights and standoffs do, with an expression of frustration. I tried just listening, but after a few minutes, she didn’t feel heard. (Even though one can be in listening mode, that doesn’t mean the other person feels heard.) You see, she wanted some concession from the lot of us iPhone users, where we would break out of our collective “cult-craze zombie-like acceptance” (her words)  and see the light that Samsung is better.

Now, this all seems silly written down, but remember that standoffs aren’t always about the issue. Often, as I’ve mentioned before, they are about the history between the two parties. When a couple disagrees, it’s about all the other things that the other person has ever done. So, to help recontextualize the stalemate, it’s important to see the other person not as an aggressor but as someone who feels unappreciated. According to relationship therapist Esther Perel, fights bring susceptibilities to the surface and are frequently difficult to solve because both involved parties misunderstand what is at the root of the problem: hurt and vulnerability. Because of this misunderstanding, couples end up having the same fight over and over because each feels vulnerable and not heard. To truly win the argument, couples need to take steps to break the loop. 

The first step is to recontextualize it not as a fight to be won: there is no right or wrong side. The goal is then shifted away from winning and moves towards understanding where the other person is coming from. It becomes much more productive that way as each person starts to retract their alpha horns and back off. In John 13, Christ takes all of the rules of life and boils it down to this: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another” (34-35). Putting love first and winning last achieves this goal.

In addition, don’t try to make your partner see your perspective, as that also creates a push and pull scenario between the two of you. Instead, shift your goals towards understanding the other person’s perspective by examining feelings and experiences. Remember, there is a difference between listening and hearing. I tend to listen, which means I get quiet during a fight. Unfortunately that is perceived as a dismissal, where the other person thinks you are shutting down. Instead, actively listen, where you ask questions that help to shed light on areas that your partner feels you are in the dark about. It’s hard, but Ephesians 4 asks us to “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (2-3). Letting them know that you are actively listening paves a path of love for the both of you to travel together. 

And if you are on the other side and are the one coming in hot with the argument, avoid accusations and judgments on the other person. Frame your issues with how you are feeling and why you feel defensive about an issue. Explaining that you feel attacked rather than accusing the other person of attacking you puts emotions at the center and allows for empathy. Ephesians asks that we “walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (5:2). Avoiding an attack by focusing on how you feel rather than what the other person did allows for that walk. Seeking to find common ground and relating to each other’s feelings also models that love for the other person, and sometimes even persuades them to act likewise. For us, we might still disagree about our phones, but at least we are understanding each other’s emotions and aren’t in a stalemate.

Roaming the romantic wild west and coming across the occasional relationship standoff is a given. Good couples fight, and when they do, it can often lead down the wrong path. Be sure to set that path straight not by framing your argument about who’s right or wrong or how much the other person hurt you, but instead by developing it around your vulnerabilities, the emotions the issue evoked, and how you want to understand the other person’s point of view. In a stalemate, no one wins, but in a relationship framed with empathy, everyone does.

Amen.

Sticking to One Flavor Makes the World Bland

Fear of other religions and their worship styles has Christians missing out on the joy of inter-faith celebrations.

The great philosopher Jerry Seinfeld once hypothesized that the entire world could draw lessons from the delicious dessert pastry known as the black and white cookie. His idea was about the two very different colors/flavors existing on the same plane and working together to make a delicious snack.

“You see, Elaine, the key to eating a black and white cookie is that you wanna get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate….If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.”

Coexistence between two polar opposites of flavor seems like the perfect harmonious allegory for our society. Yet, not everyone sees the cookie that same way, as some see the chocolate and vanilla sides not as complementary flavors but as rival ones. There are some who eat one side first because it is better and then reluctantly eat the other side, not to mention those who throw the whole other side away, uneaten. Like Jerry says, it’s the mix that makes it perfect.

The cookie metaphor of course represents race, but it can also represent our religious landscape, with Christians being one side and non-Christians being the other. Amongst Christians, many tend to stick to their own kind, missing out on the mixing flavor of the world, creating social circles made up of only fellow believers. In college, it was frequently recited to me and others in my Christian circle that we should not get close with those who are not Christians. They cited 2 Corinthians 6:14 as their reference (“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?“), showing us that Christ desired us to not become involved, socially and romantically, with non-believers. I still shudder when I think of those who would self-righteously proclaim this to us on a weekly basis.

What they failed to realize and tended to miss was how Christ himself often hung around with non-believers. His social circle consisted of prostitutes (Luke 7), tax collectors (Matthew 9), and a host of sinners. When entering a town, He never sought out the faithful or synagogue leaders (he usually couldn’t stand those people, actually), but looked for people like Zacchaeus (Luke 19) the chief tax collector, asking to stay at his house. He also looked to socialize with those who were rejected by society, like the Samaritans (John 4). He did not view them as “wicked” but as people who had something to offer, individuals of value.

Believers tend to exemplify this lack of acceptance not only when it comes to non-believers, but more importantly, when it comes to the faithful of other religions. Like the opposite side of the cookie, they see them not as a complement to their own faith but as the polar opposite to it (i.e. – the enemy). To a Christian, engaging with someone Jewish, Buddhist, or Muslim is seemingly unheard of, and when it happens, it’s for the sole purposes of argument and conversion.

A celebration of our commonality as believers rather than a spotlight on our divisions, multi-faith groups feel that they can affect positive change in the world through a sharing of ideas and a collaboration of efforts. Unfortunately, there are common myths that mislead the faithful. 

Myth 1 – You must abandon what you believe

Some of my best friends are people with whom I don’t agree. We have differing philosophies, yet we get along very well, finding what we have in common and contributing those commonalities to a greater good. The same is with multi-faith: once together, many find that they have more in common than not, yet these similarities aren’t explored until people start talking with one another. Multi-faiths frequently begin with an acknowledgement of what people have in common, which is usually a recognition of a higher power that created us and loves us. There are also core character traits shared like dignity, respect, faith, and a desire for worship. Finding common ground creates empathy and understanding between people from differing backgrounds.

Myth 2 – Your faith will weaken

The fear comes from the thought that ideas will be watered-down. However, watching people enjoy their own faith results in a strengthening of one’s own because of the passion we see in others—we instead become inspired. It also sharpens our own faith, forcing us to figure out exactly what we believe. In college, I took a World Religions class, and the professor’s constant questions to the group made me go inward and explore my beliefs, solidifying them beyond trite answers and clichéd responses.

Myth 3 – It will silence your faith

Nothing gets people of faith talking more than getting together. Why must those involved be all the same faith, then? In inter-faith, people have the opportunity to share the wonderful things that are going on in their lives, making celebrants realize just how great the world can be. It brings about positivity and a desire to fellowship and encourage one another. Joy is joy, no matter from whence it springs. 

Having been to multi-faith services and ceremonies, they are not sacrilegious and godless but are a spiritual time of excitement and camaraderie. (Most fun was a winter solstice ceremony I attended at St. John the Divine in NYC!) It’s a time to break through misconceptions and constructs, giving others a more realistic, encouraging perspective. As mentioned last week, Christians tend to think that they are better than others, but gatherings like this help us to recognize our equal place in the world and a community with others. 

Faith celebrations should not be exclusive. They should be shared not only among fellow Christians but among faithful people, as well. Christ encouraged us to “…let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven” (Matthew 5:16). We have the ability to be that “cookie” complement to others with our light, but if we choose the role of opposition, our light is dimmed. This week, take an active role in your faith and seek out other opportunities to know those who are not of the same faith. Non-Christians are not unbelievers, unfaithful, or immoral—celebrate with them the beliefs you have, even if you don’t always agree. You may even find that there are believers who have more faith than most Christians you know, so enjoy the excitement others have for their faith and use it to embrace and share in that experience with them. 

Amen.

Grief is Your Friend and Companion

Where many tend to ignore or dismiss it, it’s actually more beneficial than you think.

We really don’t seem to know how to react to death. When faced with it, we become uncomfortable, dismissive, and fall into denial when someone we know passes away. Yet fully embracing our grief, rather than just brushing it off, may be the best thing for us.

Death has been on my mind a lot lately because it seems to keep popping up in my life. This past week, I attended the wake of someone who died much too soon and suddenly. It was a tragic loss to her family, so I expected a great deal of sadness in the room. I went in ready to observe how each person was grappling with it, but I found little in the way of outright weeping.

Sure, many had probably cried themselves out beforehand and were numb. I could usually spot those people. But what I also saw were those who were uncomfortably acting as if nothing had happened. They smiled, shook hands, joked, laughed, and were mostly cheerful, which was out of character for the situation. Where some might argue that this was how they were dealing with the loss, I would suggest that they were choosing to not deal with it at all, as they didn’t even mention the loss or anything about the person. Ignoring it is probably the worst way to handle grief. 

There is a common misunderstanding that grief is a negative emotion, that it should be worked through as quickly as possible, perhaps to the point of shoving it down inside of us. Some point to Revelation 21.4 where God seemingly shuts down our pain and grief, with readers incorrectly assuming that they are negative aspects of life:“ ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” However, grief is a normal reaction to loss and shouldn’t be dismissed, as some wrongly interpret this verse to mean. They assume that our reaction to death and mourning does harm, but it actually provides strong opportunities.

There are those who feel it should be rushed—worked through as quickly as possible. In the opening of Shakespeare’s “Hamlet,” the titular character’s father died two months ago and he is still understandably sad about his loss. His uncle and mother both encourage him to get over it, suggesting that as for death, “’tis common: all that lives must die, passing through nature to eternity” (I.ii). He should get over it because death is a part of life. Now, I’m not sure how long it takes someone to get over the loss of a parent, but I’m pretty sure it’s more than two months. Just because death comes for us all doesn’t mean that we should brush off our grief or rush our way through it.

In the National Geographic special “Limitless with Chris Hemsworth,” the young, virile actor pushes his body and mind through several seemingly impossible obstacles in an attempt to not only get the most out of life but also to be super healthy and live as long as he can. In the final episode, he experiences what it is like to grow old and face death. He meets with an 88-year old man from Fiji who lost his brother, a great tribal leader. This gentleman didn’t know how he would move on without him, so he embraced his grief to learn how to become a better person. He explains that in Fijian society, there is a period of mourning of 100 days and nights, and during that time, the whole village is closed down. “No singing, no playing, no nothing.” The purpose is to allow the loss to settle in and think about what life will now be like. “It gives you time to think, to learn, to be more open to others. To grow.” After that time period, which he cites is a long time, he learned how he could move forward with his loss and be a leader like his brother was. By embracing and focusing on his grief, he learned to adjust to his new existence.

Not so much in America, but other cultures and countries have similar practices: China has a 100 day mourning period, Tibet mourns for 49 days, and various African countries take many days off to mourn with those who visit, a practice similar to Judaism’s “Shiva” where mourners sit with the family for seven days straight. If there are so many other places that embrace grief, maybe we should, too. If we could be allowed 100 days to mourn, we would probably not see death as being such a taboo subject. We would accept that grief is good for us, as it gives us time to shut down and build ourselves back up.

Grief is not a sign of weakness either. When John the Baptist was beheaded by King Herod, Jesus was distraught to learn of His loss. “When Jesus heard what had happened, he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place” (Matthew 14.13). It’s not that He didn’t want others to see Him cry (there are other instances in the Bible of Jesus openly weeping); it’s that He wanted to process His grief rather than ignore it. He held a deep appreciation for His friend, so He wanted to mourn the loss. Grieving involves time alone, reflection, silence, and lack of activity. He knew that it gives you time to recuperate rather than dismiss your pain.

There is strength in mourning. It allows us to take energy and mental processes that were dedicated to the person we lost and helps us to redirect them to other areas of our lives. In Christ’s beatitudes from the Sermon on the Mount, He explains: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5.4). There is no shame in grief and removing yourself from the world for a length of time to regroup and recover. Where some make the mistake of throwing themselves back into their work, that effort doesn’t process the loss and creates problems with coping and acceptance. 

This week, examine the losses you’ve experienced and instead of dismissing feelings of grief, learn to embrace them and know that they are valid, real, and have worth. Dismissed grief leads to stunted emotions, but a processed grief leads to growth and a greater appreciation of life which gives you the strength to move forward.

Amen.

Letting Go of the Glamour and Being Rewarded with Substance

The big rewards in life don’t come in trophy, certificate, or obelisk form.

The night beforehand was the big storm.

At our beach house, we usually see at least one giant storm per summer vacation, where the winds howl, the skies light up, and the rain comes down in torrents. They usually last for quite a bit, too, so the show is a real attention getter. And the results of the storm are stupendous, as the streets usually flood up to our knees. We love to wade through the sidewalk puddles and watch the entire town come to a halt as a result of nature’s fury.

And with the storm comes a churning of tides at the shoreline. The next day is always a treat at the beach with several treasures turning up for our discovery. We are lucky in the fact that our shoreline brings in a lot of shells with the tides, but after a big storm the more unique ones come. Where we usually find half-oysters and broken mussel shells, we now find full clam shells, large snail shells, the occasional horseshoe crab, and lots of sizable glittery treasures. It’s a great allegory for how the strongest struggles and fiercest fights in life can produce the most beautiful of results. A real iron-sharpens-iron kind of moment.

Yet what we found most fascinating on that beach wasn’t the huge treasures that were being washed up. Yes, they were amazing, but where most would collect those on the beach shoreline and move on, we looked past what was most obvious and alluring, on to the less noticeable.

Wading out a few feet, after a wave would pass, we’d dip our hands into the swirling sands and grab huge handfuls of whatever we could find down there, not sure as to what we were going to bring up. Then, we’d sort through what we were holding, and those treasures were some of the most unique we’d found. The brilliant shimmering colors of small rocks and shells that we’d never seen before, the tiniest of perfectly formed sand dollars, small crawly creatures, and shells that were so translucent that they were practically invisible. Had we gone solely for the big rewards that were visible on the dry sand, we would have missed out on the tiny treasures that were even more unique and perfectly formed, ones that made us truly appreciate the majesty of the deep.

I used to teach with a colleague who, throughout his career, touted the number of awards and accolades he received from various institutions and organizations. In his classroom, he had a shelf for many of these awards, which included a crystal obelisk with his name on it. He was always being praised for his innovative curriculum and approaches to his classes, and he always got the big rewards. However, his students never liked his teaching or his class. They would consistently complain about how out of touch he was with them, how they never learned anything, and how cold his demeanor was. He was so focused on the big rewards of his profession that he missed out on the smaller treasures which included changing the lives of his students and making them better people.

Similarly, I’ve noticed that the best teachers I’ve worked with are almost never publicly acknowledged for their work, and they never will be. Yet those are the teachers whom students point to when citing their main influences in life. Those teachers are not distracted by the big rewards and accolades and instead look for the smaller, less showy ones like student connections, because to them the plaques and obelisks aren’t important. Student successes are the rewards. Sure, it’s not as glamorous, but it’s much more substantial and meaningful.

We get distracted by the flash and glitter of high-profile success, quantifying it as being wealthy and famous, but we forget about the smaller rewards like good character and kindness.  In Christ’s Sermon on the Mount, when discussing prayer, fasting, and giving to the needy, He says: “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.” (Matthew 6.19-20). This section not only references a shift from earthly to heavenly wealth, but it also points to our motivations during these actions. He cites not just their importance but also how we should do them privately, something He mentions earlier in the chapter (v. 4 “your giving [should] be in secret”, v. 6 “when you pray, go into your room, close the door”, and v. 17-18 “put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious…that you are fasting.”) When we do them publicly, the acknowledgement is the reward, not the investment.

Should we be giving, praying, and fasting for how good it makes us look as Christians? That’s an obvious no, of course. But how many of us do those things for how we hope it will make us feel as a result? When we pray, we usually do so to lift our spirits. When we give, it’s to feel good because we are caring for someone else. And when we fast, it’s so that we can feel closer to God. All these rewards are based on how it will make us feel better and more faithful. But what if we were to pray, fast, and give not to feel good but because it would benefit someone else? What if we focused not on the obvious rewards we get from these activities but instead looked beyond and towards those that don’t acknowledge our efforts? What if you did these things and no one noticed that it was you doing them? Although those rewards aren’t quite as glamorous, they are the more substantial ones, those that influence others to respond in kind and build a better, less-selfish world. 

It’s a big shift in mindset, but it’s one that looks past the obvious, glitzy rewards and trophies offered and towards the selfless rewards that benefit others. This week, work towards rejecting the apparent rewards in life and look beyond what most people will grab for. Seek the less obvious, more selfless results, ones that won’t come back to you and might require some sacrifice in earthly recognition. Look past the obvious rewards, and you will find the more unique, beautiful, substantial ones that may not come with fanfare but will be made of sterner stuff, reflecting the true beauty of God’s creation, heading towards a world of substance.

Amen.

A Refusal of Help is a Denial of Others

Needing help is human, and refusing help is stupid, but accepting help is Devine.

My newlywed friends are fairly new to the homeownership game. Owning a condo, they are still working through many of the repair throes that my wife and I went through twenty five years ago. It’s absolutely adorable watching them try to figure out how to patch a hole in the wall or fix a sink. I remember being there, and as my father taught me, you learn out of necessity.

When I visit, I gently offer any tools I can or expertise they want, trying not to be pushy or a know-it-all. So I keep my ear to the ground and try to take a “just happen to have that with me” kind of approach so that they still feel independent and can learn. It’s important to allow them to struggle a little so that they become stronger in the process. But sometimes, you just have to step in with an offer of help.

They were drilling holes for hooks for a hanging lamp. I watched as he was staring into the end of the drill trying to figure out how to tighten it, and she was precariously standing tippy-toe on the table, holding the lamp up with one hand and the hook with the other. I asked her if she would like help. She responded, “Yes, but I’ll never admit it.” 

That answer is fairly atypical with most of us. (I did help, by the way, and she was grateful for it.) We want to do it ourselves and don’t want anyone’s hand in the process. We think that needing someone else’s help indicates weakness on our part. My spouse is very much like that, where if I ask her if she needs help, she will become angry because in her mind I am doubting her abilities to accomplish whatever the task at hand is. Or that I am observing that she’s doing it wrong and that I think I can do it better. Neither one of those conclusions are the correct inference as to what I am thinking at the time; I am merely trying to be polite. And even when I do think she’s royally messing something up, I just have to back away slowly and let her come to that conclusion. (Otherwise, SOMEONE is sleeping in the upstairs bed.)

Offering help is tricky. I know that I get a better reception when I ask, “Would you like help?”, but that sometimes backfires, too, and you can’t really control other people’s reactions: only your own. So instead, let’s focus on the allowance of help and how we can better ask for it.

So why don’t we ask for help more often, especially when we need it? The refusal is often based in fear. We worry about rejection, being laughed at, thought less of, losing control of a situation, or receiving a demotion in status. Or any combination of those ideas. Or all of them at once. Or ones not even mentioned but are flying around our heads at the time, no matter how ridiculous they may seem. Whatever it is, fear is the main motivating factor, so we scare ourselves into foolishly leaving the task all up to ourselves. 

Perhaps the best approach to allowing for help is to shift our focus away from ourselves and on to the people around us. Think of the situation as not a moment of weakness for ourselves but as an opportunity being given for someone else to shine. The lead singer of The Cars, Rick Ocasek once said that, “Refusing to ask for help when you need it is refusing someone the chance to be helpful.” By allowing others into your issue, you are not being a burden but are granting them an opportunity of helping out in your life. As shown in Christ’s comment, asking for help puts the spotlight on the other person and allows them to look great: “And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son” (John 14.13).

Another approach is to not think of it as asking for help because you can’t do something. Think about it as stepping up and being a leader by delegating responsibilities. Moses had a similar difficulty when he took on his role as judge:

The next day Moses took his seat to serve as judge for the people, and they stood around him from morning till evening. When his father-in-law saw all that Moses was doing for the people, he said, “What is this you are doing for the people? Why do you alone sit as judge, while all these people stand around you from morning till evening?”

Moses answered him, “Because the people come to me to seek God’s will. Whenever they have a dispute, it is brought to me, and I decide between the parties and inform them of God’s decrees and instructions.”

Moses’ father-in-law replied, “What you are doing is not good. You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone. Listen now to me and I will give you some advice, and may God be with you….Select capable men from all the people—men who fear God, trustworthy men who hate dishonest gain—and appoint them as officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens. Have them serve as judges for the people at all times, but have them bring every difficult case to you; the simple cases they can decide themselves. That will make your load lighter, because they will share it with you.”

Exodus 18.13-22

Even great Biblical figures like Moses had trouble asking for help, so your situation is not unique to you or out of weakness. It is very human, but thankfully, we can transcend our humanity by asking and allowing for help when we need it. This week, don’t be a lone soldier when it comes to your work. If you are feeling overwhelmed and know that another hand would lighten it and make you more effective, ask for help. You will find that it will bring more success in handling your burden, and the people around you will feel honored that you asked them to lend a hand.

Amen.

Toxicity, Entitlement, and Hanging out with the Wrong People

It’s not as bad as they all might lead you to believe.

If you are involved in the sales and service industry right now, you probably think that the world is filled with awful people.

I watched a video this week of a college-aged man on an airline flight getting out of hand with the flight attendants mid-flight. Allegedly, he groped two of the female flight attendants, and when he was spoken to by the male attendant, he began shouting a variety of curses at him and how his parents were worth two million dollars. (I’m not really sure that’s a point of bragging, as two million dollars isn’t much nowadays, but you do you, man.) He then began punching this male attendant repeatedly. As a last resort, the attendants all duck-taped him to his seat to protect themselves and the other passengers from him.

Similarly, I was talking with a family member who, in her profession, was also receiving a lot of ire from her customers. She recounted stories about how she has been screamed at directly in her face, has had money thrown at her, and had demanded that she fix their situation at any and all personal cost. She explained how these situations have rattled her emotionally, and she mentioned that times like those are fairly commonplace for her. 

Ask anyone in the customer service industry and you will probably hear a lot of the same stories, and this treatment can be traced to a single word: entitlement.

Entitlement stems from the idea that people have developed a sense of self-importance and they feel that the world “owes” them. Entitled individuals think that the rules do not apply to them, that they are above the regulations as well as above other people. No one is exactly sure from where it comes, but a main theory (according to BetterHelp.com) is when “children are given everything they ask for without learning how to earn rewards, it makes them expect the same treatment when they become adults.” So, when people who were raised that way don’t get what they want in life, they lash out in anger and frustration at any and all around them until they do. They develop attention-seeking behavior because they feel that they should be admired and respected, damn the consequences. Unfortunately, that means those who aren’t entitled receive the brunt of their emotional outbursts.

And it’s getting worse. A study done in the “Journal of Personality Assessment” compared attitudes of entitlement from the 1950s to the 1980s, asking teenagers if they agreed with this statement, “I am an important person.” In the 1950s, the percentage who agreed was at 12%, and by 1989 it had jumped to 80% (And that was over thirty years ago – I can’t imagine that it’s gone down at all.) Entitlement has, in fact, been around for thousands of years, as James 4.1-2 shows that it is often at the root of most disagreements: “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight.”

We can all agree that we live in a frustrating time, viewing the world as unfair and oftentimes corrupt. During the pandemic, as well as during the past 5-6 years of a contemptuous political climate, we have become even more divided and argumentative. So it would make sense that when people don’t get what they want, they channel all of that anger and frustration towards people who are providing a service for them. 

Giving people even more reason to be angry at the world, our news media perpetuates the cycle of frustration with its focus. They put all of their attention on the negative aspects of the nation and world, so it’s easy to feel that the world is going to hell, that people suck, and that it’s hopeless to think that anything will change. But there is a solution to it all.

This past week, my coworkers and I received an email from a disgruntled parent lashing out at the system that wasn’t even directly aimed at me – just at my school. What exactly did it say? I don’t know: I didn’t read it. My colleagues told me we got it, but I didn’t want to give attention to it because out of the one thousand sets of parents who have a child attending my school, only one was ranting, and I didn’t want to give that person my attention and be fed a destructively negative emotional state. Giving attention to negativity only perpetuates it, so there’s no point to purposefully exposing oneself to it.

I’ve been turning off the news a lot more lately. I read the local paper that celebrates individual achievement. I surround myself with people who are enjoying life and are not entitled. I leave conversations (in person and online) when they turn toxic. The following verse in James explains that when we leave those things behind, we become more at peace with others and the world: “But He gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: ‘God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.’…(therefore) wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts.” 

By doing so, I’ve come to the conclusion that the world is not going to hell, the majority of people don’t suck, and there is hope that the world will pull itself out of this political climate and pandemic. When we develop that hope in people and in the world, we shine that contagious hope towards others. If you deal with toxic entitled people because you are in the service industry, you might not be able to eliminate your exposure to them, but you sure don’t have to focus on them either. Our jobs don’t define us, and we leave them when we go home at the end of the day.

This week, work to eliminate toxicity from your senses and focus not on the negativity and entitlement that comes your way but on those who promote a sense of hope and humility. Then, be the light for others who are so beaten down by this world, showing them a different, better, more hopeful way.

Amen.

Face It: You’ll Never Be Perfect

Although you will never reach it, chasing perfection is still worth your while.

I’ve been working on this devotion for a few weeks now and not a day has gone by that I haven’t in some way or fashion added or deleted from it.  In fact, even this morning I spent time going through it, moving things around, cutting words down to create more concise statements, all in pursuit of making this the perfect speech.  However, I have a confession to make: it is still not perfect.

It’s been said that writing and art are never finished; they are merely abandoned, meaning that there is no definitive end point for creative work.  At some point, Da Vinci had to take a step back from the Mona Lisa and resist the urge to put just one more brushstroke on the canvas.  It’s not perfect because it couldn’t be: perfection cannot be reached, ever.

But can it?  Businessman and politician Stanley J. Randall once said that the closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he or she fills out a job application.  Not sure how honest that is.

For many of my students, perfection is defined as academic success, a high class rank, getting that perfect 112.7 average, or whatever it is up to these days.  And just when they get that achievement they wanted, thinking that everything is finally perfect, they realize just how fleeting that moment is because immediately afterwards they are craving something else. There’s a somewhat famous urban legend about billionaire John D. Rockefeller, who at the end of his life was asked, how much is enough money?  His response: “Just a little more.”  Despite all his wealth, even Rockefeller couldn’t reach perfection.

So I am here to tell you that you will never be perfect.  Not now, never ever.  Despite all your accolades, awards, achievements, and athleticism, you will never achieve perfection no matter how hard you try.  You can strive for that unattainable standard all you want, but you will fail miserably at it. The author of Ecclesiastes tells us that, “Indeed, there is no one on earth who is righteous, no one who does what is right and never sins” (7.20).

So if no one is or can be perfect, why bother at all? It’s about the pursuit of perfection.

Since you will never be perfect, strangely enough, I would like to encourage you to pursue perfection, because in that pursuit of perfection, that is when your character is built.

When you pursue perfection, resilience builds, responsibility develops, inventiveness grows.  By pursuing perfection, determination solidifies, resourcefulness thrives, and confidence increases.  In knowing that you will never be perfect but then still choosing to pursue it, you work not towards attaining material things, but towards being a successful person.  Speaker Brian Tracy said that, “Perfection is not a destination; it is a continuous journey that never ends.”  As long as you don’t treat perfection as the end goal, you will continuously grow as a person.  Matthew 5.48 tells us, “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect” – which suggests that perfection is not a state of being but is a constant act, something you are continually working towards.

Once you’ve chosen to chase that endless pursuit of perfection, my second point comes into the picture, which is this question: if you can never be perfect, how do you measure how successful you are in that pursuit?  And I will respond to it by letting you know that you are currently measuring success in all the wrong ways. 

In a previous devotional, I’d mentioned that you need to use the right metric in measuring your success by looking inward and examining why you do the things that you do, what motivates your words and actions, and what results you want from them. So what ruler should you be using in your pursuit of perfection?

I came across a speech from author George Saunders, who in discussing his life, stated: “What I regret most…are failures of kindness.”  Of all the things in life to regret, it was the times when he was less than kind, and it is profound because it is so simple and so true. Kindness, more than anything, is what makes a difference in the world. 

Over the years, when I run into students, no one remembers any of the books we read, the lessons I taught, or the skills we sharpened.  They remember the moments of kindness we shared with one another.  

So I would like to suggest that you pledge to measure your success by how much kindness you are putting out into the world, because that is what will make the difference in your pursuit of perfection, that’s what will make you successful.

Good leadership is not measured in accomplishments but in how you treat the people around you.  All our accomplishments and achievements are meaningless, but the way in which we treat each other, that kindness, is what will have the true lasting effect.  When you chase perfection, measure it by how kind you are.  1 Peter 4.8 explains kindness as an act of love, commanding us, “above all, (to) love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

Kindness is at the heart of every good character trait, and by choosing kindness you develop compassion, empathy, tolerance, and patience.  Your character internalizes these traits, making you perfect in your imperfections.  

When you choose kindness, regardless of your station in life, how much money you are worth, or any awards you may received, you are more successful than you could ever be, and despite never being perfect, by knowing just how imperfectly kind you are, you are more of a success than billionaire Rockefeller ever was.

May you be imperfectly wonderful in all that you do.

Amen.

If You Judge Me By My Looks, You’ll Never Know What I Can Do

Looks can be deceiving when you are only glimpsing a moment.

The art of getting into college is a tricky one full of pitfalls, puzzles, and prizes. During this time of year, students anxiously await the judgement that comes from colleges and universities regarding their labored-over essays and applications.  It’s a tough time for them, but what I recently learned is that they’re not the only ones who are struggling during this process.

I just finished reading a fantastic book by author Jeffrey Selingo entitled “Who Gets In and Why: A Year Inside College Admissions” where the author spent time in the admission rooms of several colleges, studying their methods and approaches in accepting students to their sometimes overly selective institutions.  What was once a very secretive process is laid bare by Selingo’s experiences who entrenched himself in the process and conducted several interviews.  He takes us from the moment students start thinking about colleges up to the final point of college attendance, showing us the many decisions in between. He also reveals the rigorous process that colleges endure with sorting through the mounds of applications that they receive each year, as they attempt to choose who attends and who doesn’t.

What struck me most about this process was just how arbitrary it was at times.  Individuals whom you thought were shoe-ins for acceptance were rejected based on instinct from the admissions board, and vice versa.  Waitlists and refusals were rampant, as most colleges can’t accept even a fraction of the people who apply, so tough decisions are made and lines are drawn; dreams are crushed and feelings are hurt.  But I found myself feeling bad not for the applicants but instead for those who rejected them because they themselves knew just how arbitrary it was.

Part of the problem is that admissions officers are sent only a snapshot of what a student is like.  They get the grades, the essay, the test scores, and the list of extracurricular activities, and then a decision is made that must be based solely on what they see in the file, without ever meeting the person.  An oft quoted concept that the author came across was that you can’t tell, just from looking at it, how far a toad will jump.  Unless you actually see the toad jump and measure it, there is no way of knowing how far it can jump without experiencing the jump itself.  And that is just what these officers are doing: they are guessing how far each of these students will excel academically by just looking at their files but not actually giving them a chance to perform academically.  It may be the process, but that doesn’t make it fair.

Imagine if our potential were judged by what we looked like.  Consider how accurately (or not) people could measure our capability just by how we looked.  A select few of us would get a pass, but the majority of us would be considered not capable of most things because we didn’t meet the physical standards of society.  As Yoda wisely put it: “Judge me by my size do you?”

Take Albert Einstein, for example.  As the father of physics, at no point in his life would anyone have looked at him and thought that he was capable of great things.  When he was born, he had a misshapen head and a body that was grossly overweight.  As he grew older, he grew into his body a little, but he was also never the fashion maven by any standards.  He refused to wear socks, and was proud of the fact that he didn’t have to wear them while teaching at Oxford.  Out in public, he frequently wore an undershirt, a baggy pair of pants that were held up by a rope belt, and women’s sandals.  When he became a father, he spurned combing his hair and haircuts, so his unruly mop of unkempt hair would be everywhere.  Yet, he developed the theory of relativity, quantum theory, and a host of other space, time, and atomic principles.  If people had dismissed him based on how he looked rather than what he could do, we would be living in a very different world.  

If we judge people by how they look, we end up limiting their potential and seeing them only for who they are and not for what they can do.  Matthew 7.17-20 encourages us to look not at what others look like but at what they can do:  “Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit.  A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit.  Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.  Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.”  If instead of examining people for what they look like we look to the fruit they can produce, you will have a better idea as to their potential. 

And we so often limit the potential of others by judging them before they are given a chance.  We look at someone and think we know what they will do, and so we discourage them from even trying.  We don’t allow the toad to jump but instead tell it that it can only jump so far.

So how can we see what a toad can do?  Instead of predetermining how far it will jump, we should give it the opportunity to do so and not limit it by what we think it is capable of.  Galatian 3.28 says that, “there is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”  There is nothing about a person’s look or identity that should give us any idea as to his or her potential or lack thereof, so to judge someone based on these criteria, by the way that we see that person, is not Christlike.  But to view that person as someone in Him, as a person who deserves a chance to prove him or herself, that opens the door to their unlimited potential and His love.  This week, open the door for those around you, and instead of trying to figure out how far they can jump, give them the chance to prove to you what they can do.

Amen.

No One Knows Anything Except Me

We are not considering that others might be just as informed as we are.

I don’t claim to have mastery knowledge on many things, as it really is difficult to know everything about anything.  Wisdom may be elusive (with there always being more to learn and as well as additional skills that need refining), but I do know that there is one area in which I am a sage.  It’s an often-debated activity that can split households mercilessly, tearing brother from brother, a topic that has neither clear party lines nor claims to one true faith.  

I am of course talking about my ability to load the dishwasher.

After years of doing so, I believe that I am the only one who knows how to properly load the dishwasher to achieve maximum cleanliness of the household dirty dishes.  I am the master of the dishwasher, the lord of its domain.  It gapes its open, lathery mouth in my direction, taunting and testing me to take on its oddly engineered wire racks with my crusted tableware.  Yet I am not dissuaded, as I know that I, and only I, know how to load it right.

Gandhi once said that the greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its dishwashers are loaded.  Or something like that.  I’m paraphrasing, of course.  Whatever.  My point is that I’ve achieved greatness in the dish cleansing arts.

To prove my expertise, I provide you with the following rules that I have had to correct my family on repeatedly:

1. Dishes go only on the bottom rack, no exceptions.  And they must be lined up in the back, spread apart equally, like soldiers in a soapy parade.  
2. Cups are regulated to the top and are not to touch whatsoever (or beware the dreaded repetitive “clinking” sound throughout the cycle).
3. Silverware carriers come with multiple compartments for a reason: cutlery should be segregated by form and function so that unloading is a breeze.
4. Crusted, caked on, or sentiment-filled items need pre-washing in the sink.  There’s nothing worse than post-dishwashed yogurt.
5. No overcrowding or overstuffing.  If something can’t fit, don’t place it on other items.  Leave it in the sink for the next cycle.

And these are just a few examples.  I wouldn’t want to reveal all of my wisdom because you probably couldn’t handle it.

Being the discerning dishwasher that I am, I constantly need to check it and rearrange items so that our dishwasher loading is up to par.  When my son comes home from school, his items get blasphemously tossed onto the top rack willy-nilly, often with items face up, ready to collect dishwashing scum water that then requires a rewash.  And my wife doesn’t seem to understand either, as she shoves whatever she can in and is always so resistant to my instruction.  

Then there are the times when I am not around to master the dishes and the rest of my family loads it on their own.  I’m not sure how they do it, but the dishes always manage to get clean despite my absence.  It’s as if my way, despite being ignored, is unbelievably just one of many ways to clean the dishes.

My wife seems to take a similar approach to the laundry, as she thinks that she’s the only one in the house who knows how to do it properly.  I’m not quite sure what she’s talking about, as every time I wash the clothes, they come out just as good as when she does it.  So that makes me think that maybe my expertise, and hers, might not be as all-encompassing as we thought it was, that we are merely legends in our own mind.

I guess if we want to make this household work, we need to take a look at Romans 12.16, which tells us to, “Live in harmony with one another.  Do not be haughty…never be wise in your own sight.”  I didn’t think I was wise in my own sight, but my wife’s ability to wash the dishes effectively without me seems to suggest so.  Perhaps I might have also missed Proverbs 12.23, “The prudent keep their knowledge to themselves, but a fool’s heart blurts out folly.”  Maybe I should just play this mastery knowledge closer to the vest.

Or maybe I’m not the only master of the dishwasher.  Maybe the perceived gulf I believe to exist between me and the rest of the world isn’t as wide as I thought it was and maybe, to quote a realization of Homer Simpson’s, “other people are just as important as I am.”

In Paul’s letter to the Philippians, he encourages the church to, “do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.  Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others”  (2.3-4). By putting others before myself and considering their feelings and needs, I realize that my opinion is not the only one, nor is it the only right one.  There are multiple correct ways to load the dishwasher just as there are many right ways to wash the clothes.

Yet we’ve come to a point where we believe that if people are not with us, they are against us, and thus we have a very divided nation where the distance between viewpoints isn’t all that far; the people behind them are just as human and full of thought and emotion as we all are.  Maybe instead of forcing others to listen to what we have to say, we can encourage others to tell us what they think.  Maybe through that approach, we can find some common ground, some healing, and come to the conclusion that we are more alike than we like to think we are.

This week, when you find yourself feeling like the master of any situation, take time to listen to those who may have another viewpoint, and maybe you will then not only find that those behind those opinions are worth listening to, but also that you might learn something new about how you are currently handling things around you.

Amen.

You and I are Both Racists

Racists don’t look like other people; they look just like us.

We were at our rally, signs held high, hearts full, and chants loud.  We’d been set up at the intersection for a while and had many supporters with a few dissenters among those passing in their cars.  Just then, a bright red pickup truck rounded the corner, slightly beat up with a middle-aged overweight male at the wheel.  He had a baseball cap and beard and looked ready to cause some trouble.  I spied him immediately and prepared for his hatred, disapproval, and lewd gestures.  I firmed up my stance, chanted louder, and braced for his worst as his window rolled down.  With eyes locked, his arm went out the window, he balled up his fist, and gave me a big…thumbs up and a smile?

I had clearly judged this man wrong.  Whereas I used to think that I was better than most people when it came to racism, feeling that I looked past people’s appearances, beyond skin color, creed, and lifestyle, I’ve come to realize that I am not as good as I thought I was.  Racism is flourishing in America.  It is alive and well, is firmly rooted in each and every one of us, and is thoroughly present in me.

I realized my inherent racism during these rallies, as I found myself profiling cars and prejudging what the driver’s reactions would be to our presence.  As a result, I’ve been classifying and judging people by their looks, anticipating their reaction when they drive by.  Just like the people of Galilee who judged Christ when He was speaking, and many doubted his ability to speak based on His appearance and upbringing, I too was judging these people with those same criteria.  Christ’s response to them and His advice to me: “Stop judging by mere appearances, but instead judge correctly” (John 7.24).  

How did I misjudge?  Now remember: I am not proud of the following statements, but I want you to see how racism easily crept into my life and caused me to judge people by how they look, something many of us do on a regular basis.  The following is my classification process of how I came to my conclusions:

• I judged others by what type of vehicle they drove.  If it was a pickup, I immediately assumed that they were against us.  If the pickup was somewhat new or showed that it was deeply cared for, I dismissed them as being materialistic, only concerned with things and not people, so they must not be intelligent and informed.
• I looked at gender.  If they were female, I guessed that they probably were just fine with our cause, because I felt that women were smarter and more emotionally informed, whereas men tend to be entitled and ignorant.
• Age also played a factor.  Younger meant optimistic and innocent, whereas older meant stuck in their ignorant ways, and much older meant kinder and gentler to everyone.

I am ashamed to admit these assumptions that I made, and am especially ashamed that I still mistakenly make them to some extent.  I was judging by appearance, forming uninformed opinions, and embracing or dismissing people even before they uttered a single word or demonstrated a single action, all of which is the absolute definition of racism.  We all do it, but we don’t like to call it racism.  It’s easy to suggest that racism is something other people have, but that approach turns a blind eye to ourselves and allows racism to fester within us.  In order to work on it, you have to admit that your approach to people needs work. 

People are more complex than stereotypes allow them to be and don’t fit into neat categories with clear labels.  As such, I’ve seen pickups that blew their horns in support of us and people in beat up cars yell threats.   I’ve looked on as women have told us that we were crazy as men raised their fists in solidarity with us.  I’ve watched teenagers shout racial slurs, boomers shout chants along with us, and old ladies who gave us the finger.  Even when it comes to judging people based on religion, I’ve misjudged.  There is an Orthodox Jewish man who walks by every week and enthusiastically waves to me each and every time in support, while just recently I’d been given the middle finger from a member of my own home Christian church.  Clearly, I’ve not only been wrong in my judgments on many occasions but also wrong to make judgments, and I am clearly not alone.

So where do we go from here?  Our first step is in admitting our own judgmental and racist beliefs.  That step alone brings them into the open, allowing us and our God to work on them.  That way, it allows us to reassess those beliefs before acting on them.  Yes, the thought may pop into our heads, but we can stop ourselves from actively judging others if we can observe that the thought is racist and judgmental.  Awareness is key, and then we can work towards viewing people the way that God views them:  “There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28)

From there, education will help with the next few steps in our journey.  Reading from a variety of viewpoints will help us understand the value that exists in all people.  When the disciples were gathering the nations together to form the first church, they were not concerned with what kind of people they were gathering, as they knew that all people need love and had value.  As Peter spoke to the diverse crowd, he admitted: “I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritism but accepts from every nation the one who fears Him and does what is right”  (Acts 10:34-35).

Racism and judgement dismisses people and labels them as not having value, whereas awareness and education allows for a more inclusive approach to life, one that sees people not for what they look like but for their potential.  This week, look in yourself to find the racist and judgmental aspects that lurk inside you and face them down.  Meditate and ask God to help you find the parts of yourself that you may have spent years denying their existence.  I will warn you that it won’t be easy or pretty, as no one wants to admit to racist flaws, but through an open mind and heart, you can improve your approach to others and allow for a world that is filled with a multitude of thoughts, contributions, and flavor.

Amen.