When Stalemate Fights Develop into Relationship Standoffs

Win or lose, it’s a bloodbath. Try hearing instead.

A whistle in the distance…a rolling tumbleweed…squinty eyes…itchy trigger fingers. Looks like we’ve got an old-fashioned standoff! Yeehaw!

My wife said to me the other day that she and I don’t have many actual fights in our relationship but rather we have a variety of standoffs, where each person has his or her own ideas and won’t budge on them. We are two alphas constantly butting heads and refusing to back down.

Hearing those words made me rethink a lot of how we approach each other in conflict. It reframed our disagreements for me, seeing them not as people angry at each other but as individuals strategizing to be heard. It also made me realize that in every fight we have, there is a potential winner and loser, and even when you win, you lose.

Our most recent standoff? We have had a long-standing one in our relationship. The proverbial thorn in our side, where we have each stood our ground firmly and refused to concede.

Apple vs. Samsung.

I have been a die-hard Apple user since iPhone 3. In it for the long haul, I love my iPhone and get a new one every year. It is everything I’ve ever wanted and more. Years ago, my wife dug in her heels with Samsung and only conceded this year when our son switched over to iPhone. (His friends all have one and she wanted to be able to stay in close contact with him—the two opposing services don’t communicate well with each other otherwise.) 

Since then, she has kicked and screamed about her iPhone because it doesn’t do what she wants it to do. So the other night, when she had trouble with it connecting to her car, that standoff came center stage. 

It began as most fights and standoffs do, with an expression of frustration. I tried just listening, but after a few minutes, she didn’t feel heard. (Even though one can be in listening mode, that doesn’t mean the other person feels heard.) You see, she wanted some concession from the lot of us iPhone users, where we would break out of our collective “cult-craze zombie-like acceptance” (her words)  and see the light that Samsung is better.

Now, this all seems silly written down, but remember that standoffs aren’t always about the issue. Often, as I’ve mentioned before, they are about the history between the two parties. When a couple disagrees, it’s about all the other things that the other person has ever done. So, to help recontextualize the stalemate, it’s important to see the other person not as an aggressor but as someone who feels unappreciated. According to relationship therapist Esther Perel, fights bring susceptibilities to the surface and are frequently difficult to solve because both involved parties misunderstand what is at the root of the problem: hurt and vulnerability. Because of this misunderstanding, couples end up having the same fight over and over because each feels vulnerable and not heard. To truly win the argument, couples need to take steps to break the loop. 

The first step is to recontextualize it not as a fight to be won: there is no right or wrong side. The goal is then shifted away from winning and moves towards understanding where the other person is coming from. It becomes much more productive that way as each person starts to retract their alpha horns and back off. In John 13, Christ takes all of the rules of life and boils it down to this: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another” (34-35). Putting love first and winning last achieves this goal.

In addition, don’t try to make your partner see your perspective, as that also creates a push and pull scenario between the two of you. Instead, shift your goals towards understanding the other person’s perspective by examining feelings and experiences. Remember, there is a difference between listening and hearing. I tend to listen, which means I get quiet during a fight. Unfortunately that is perceived as a dismissal, where the other person thinks you are shutting down. Instead, actively listen, where you ask questions that help to shed light on areas that your partner feels you are in the dark about. It’s hard, but Ephesians 4 asks us to “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (2-3). Letting them know that you are actively listening paves a path of love for the both of you to travel together. 

And if you are on the other side and are the one coming in hot with the argument, avoid accusations and judgments on the other person. Frame your issues with how you are feeling and why you feel defensive about an issue. Explaining that you feel attacked rather than accusing the other person of attacking you puts emotions at the center and allows for empathy. Ephesians asks that we “walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (5:2). Avoiding an attack by focusing on how you feel rather than what the other person did allows for that walk. Seeking to find common ground and relating to each other’s feelings also models that love for the other person, and sometimes even persuades them to act likewise. For us, we might still disagree about our phones, but at least we are understanding each other’s emotions and aren’t in a stalemate.

Roaming the romantic wild west and coming across the occasional relationship standoff is a given. Good couples fight, and when they do, it can often lead down the wrong path. Be sure to set that path straight not by framing your argument about who’s right or wrong or how much the other person hurt you, but instead by developing it around your vulnerabilities, the emotions the issue evoked, and how you want to understand the other person’s point of view. In a stalemate, no one wins, but in a relationship framed with empathy, everyone does.

Amen.

The Methodical Suppression of Women Warriors, and Other Male Fantasies

Church masculinity isn’t what it used to be. Or should ever have been.

John Wayne would be embarrassed by my laundry skills.

In our house, my wife and I share the household chores fairly evenly. Where she dusts and cleans bathrooms, I vacuum and change the beds. She is in charge of meal preparation (I have no expertise in that area), and I balance the finances and pay the bills. I am also fully in charge of all laundry in the house, making sure that everyone has clean clothes that are neatly folded and put away. So as the epitome of masculinity, John Wayne would shake his head while moseying away, mutter for me to “man up,” and then probably shoot a Native American.

Traditional male roles state that I might best be used for hunting the evening’s dinner or pulling in a huge salary, but I’m not sure that I’m best utilized that way. Folding laundry gives me peace of mind and satisfaction in a job well done while serving the household. As many might suggest, it is not the most “manly” thing one can do, but “masculinity” isn’t really something that can, or should be defined.

As you might have guessed where I’m going here, yes, gender is also a social construct. 

(Quick reminder for those new here: constructs are when a society creates and agrees upon a specific rule or concept they will all follow and adhere to throughout their time together. For example, intelligence is a construct. We can agree that the valedictorian is intelligent because of his grades, but put him in the wilderness and he’d die within two days. How intelligent is that?)

The concepts of gender and sex are very different. We are assigned sex at birth based on biology, but gender is about the expectations placed upon a person throughout their life that is associated with their sex. For example, men should not wear dresses – a construct because we usually associate dresses with women. (Tell that to a Scotsman.) The idea that a man would be in charge of laundry in a household with a woman present also goes against gender roles, as that should be her job. Constructs can be fluid, as seen by how gender roles have changed over time—years ago women became either nurses, secretaries, teachers, or housewives, whereas nowadays they can be anything they want to be. Yet what unfortunately hasn’t changed for the better with gender constructs, is the role of men and women in the church.

The gender-assigned roles in the church of men as leaders and providers and women as nurturing caregivers was probably well-intentioned at the beginning, but this gender construct has been weaponized over the years to promote a male-dominated Christian patriarchy, where men create the rules and women subserviently follow. This approach has unfairly painted women as more caring and sensitive to the needs of others, thus being well-suited for raising children but not set up to be leaders of groups. They are allowed to teach children and other women, but not men. In fact, they are often drawn as incapable of teaching men, something my wife challenged for years when she taught kickboxing to me and many other men.

The construct is frequently enforced with misinterpreted scripture such as this passage from 1 Timothy 2.11-15: “ A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet…Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.” To the uninitiated, the passage seems fairly straightforward about how the role of women in the church should be suppressed, but that narrow-mindedness ignores the historical and cultural context of place within Ephesus, the gender norms of the time period, and the cultural practices of the people. The church often incorrectly assumes a timelessness rather than scripture being bound to a period and a literalness where symbolism and allegory are frequently invoked.

The gender construct of the weak woman has also been reinforced by cherry picking specific events and women from the Bible as models and ignoring the contributions of others. Men would rather not draw from more aggressive and involved women like the warrior and prophet Deborah of Judges 4 and 5, a military commander who leads the nation of Israel, or the cunning warrior Jael, who defeats her enemy through clever espionage. Weak women they are not.

Instead, the church patriarchy holds up women like Mary and Sarah, amazing women in their own right, but they are heralded only for their obedience, submission, and quiet faithfulness. Yet these women were more than that. In Luke 1, Mary, the mother of Jesus, shows great courage in facing a culture that assuredly rejected her for an out of wedlock pregnancy, and in verses 46-55, Mary sings a song that celebrates God’s justice and mercy, reflecting a deep knowledge and understanding of the scriptures. For Sarah, the ninety year old who birthed Isaac, Genesis shows how much of a leader and matriarch she was among the Israelites, as her influence changed family dynamics and drove the direction of the Abrahamic covenant. But these qualities are so infrequently invoked because they do not support the gender construct of women being weak and subservient.

Wrongful and misguided interpretation is, as we have seen here and in previous devotionals, at the heart of promoting incorrect constructs. Where one sees the entirety of Ephesians 5.22-33 as a guideline for mutual submission, care, and love in a marriage, another takes only one section to prove that “the husband is the head of the wife” (23). A key to avoiding misguided constructs is to put the entirety of a concept into context, looking at the words and ideas around the idea rather than just the idea itself. 

Biblical masculinity and womanhood are clearly constructs designed to suppress one group and promote another, a frequent approach when one group plays for power over the other. The church is deeply guilty of this suppression and has forgotten that, “God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them” (Genesis 1.27). To avoid these pitfalls, we need to weigh all of the evidence, not just the parts that fit our needs. To rise above these pitfalls, we need to not accept what gender roles are being dictated to us but instead embrace our skills as individuals, work together as a body, and look beyond our sex for what we should and shouldn’t be doing.

As for me, I’ve got a load of wash that needs to go into the dryer.

Amen.

Christian In-Fighting Wins the Battle but the Example It Sets Loses the War

When the church shakes your faith rather than steadies it, it’s time to find encouragement elsewhere.

The label “Christian” has been dragged through the mud aplenty all thanks to its very own followers and our confrontational natures with one another.

I’ve seen plenty of it in my years at various churches: in-fighting between members and the splitting of hairs with no side willing to concede. We can’t seem to get along, whether the disagreements are within the church and its people or between various Christian denominations. A time-honored tradition, the only new thing about it is what we are fighting about. 

Right now, the latest in-fighting comes from whether or not gay marriage should be blessed by the church. Despite some movement from Pope Francis in giving blessings to same-sex unions, the Vatican still takes a hard stance about what the definition is of a marriage, suggesting that it is only between a man and a woman. Even just this past weekend, when a Kentucky church gave a blessing to a gay couple, the Vatican responded with a harsh rebuke saying that same-sex couples can be blessed but their marital union cannot. (The Methodist church is currently undergoing a similar split over human sexuality, as well. Personally, this author couldn’t care less about the sexual or marital status of any person, feeling that everyone is deserving of God’s blessing, but I’m not going to get into an argument about it because that would just contribute to the already prevalent problem with the institution: constant disagreement perpetuated by the church’s own people.)

Years ago, wars were started over transubstantiation and consubstantiation, something that almost no one today either cares about or knows what that is. The Filioque controversy was another theological dispute over the phrase “and the Son” in the Nicene Creed, which equated Son and Father, which is again, irrelevant to today. Fighting within the church has broken out over such deeply important topics like the use of icons, the role of free will, and even the size of the chalice in communion. I can imagine that, within time, same-sex union blessing will also be an ersatz discussion.

These fights also go back to the beginning of the church just after Christ’s resurrection. One of the first debates, the apostles raged around the necessity for circumcision. “Certain people came down from Judea to Antioch and were teaching the believers: ‘Unless you are circumcised, according to the custom taught by Moses, you cannot be saved.’ This brought Paul and Barnabas into sharp dispute and debate with them” (Act 15.1-2). Again, this was so important at the time but nowadays, no one is checking that requirement for church membership. As time shows, it’s not so much the topic of debate but the sharp, splintering dissent that Christians have when there is disagreement. Our empathetic-free loveless approach has deeply hurt the Christian name and blackened the church reputation.

What’s really causing our current divide and what we need to pay attention to is the political associations that the evangelical church is making, specifically with them directly connecting themselves to the Republican party. (The choice of party is irrelevant: it’s the fact that a party has been chosen.) As a result of this marriage, church members have been fighting even further about what their political party says rather than loving and serving one another as Christ says. Don’t believe me? Then you haven’t been on social media much.

Like me, you’ve probably found yourself dumbfounded by insipid statements posted online from our Christian brethren that align not with logic or love but with an institution or association. The rule of thumb seems to be that if someone in the political party says it, it must be true. As you might imagine, these postings lead to more dissension and in-fighting in the comments, which leads to unfollowings and unfriendings. Online and in-person, we feel that we can say whatever we want with 100% certainty and confidence and be completely sure that anyone who disagrees with us is uninformed. Our words, debates, and associations are destroying us and our impact as Christians.

The institutions, and members thereof, have forgotten the multitude of verses that stress harmony amongst its followers. In Paul’s letter to the Ephesians he encourages us to, “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (4.3). In his first letter to the Corinthian church, he begged them to get along as he knew what division would cause: “I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another in what you say and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly united in mind and thought” (1.10). And Christ himself called for unity and understanding saying that ”‘Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand” (Matthew 12.25).

It’s all so frustrating as many of us are losing faith in the institution, so where do we go from here? My suggestion is that we look not to the words and statements of faith by its members, avoiding what Christians are saying and posting. Engaging fellow believers on that level only leads to more anger, disagreement, and in-fighting. Instead, we need to look at the actions of believers. We need to go to where Christians are serving rather than speaking.

There is a tremendous amount of Christ-like faith on display all around us and no one needs to say a thing to show it. By going to the streets where people are serving the homeless and needy, looking into the prisons where people are reaching out to the unloved, and seeing the shelters of those in want and watching those who selflessly give of their time and efforts: that is where we see His love on display. The collections taken up, the charitable gifts being given, the time selflessly given up: these places are where we are encouraged by Christ-like faith. Seek them out, and you will find yourself renewed.

It is very easy to be discouraged by fellow Christians and the institution of the church when it is more about message than action. This week, avoid the places where so many gather to argue, whether in-person or virtual. There is nothing to be gained or encouraged by that practice. Instead, look for encouragement in the charity, love, and empathy of believers who devote their time, money, and efforts to helping others. In those places you will find your heart lifted and may even be moved to follow in their actions. Don’t let petty disagreement hijack your faith and instead let the charitable actions of Christians be where you see His love.

Amen.

Shifting Our Gaze Towards Bethlehem this Christmas

In a call for peace in the Middle East and the world, it’s time to believe in miracles this season.

Whether you find yourself agreeing or disagreeing with the Catholic church, you must admit that the current Pope has an ear to the ground when it comes to unrest and need in the world. That he uses his platform to bring attention to the needs of others suggests a man of character with a heart for humanity. In addition to drawing a comparison between Bethlehem then and now in this year’s Christmas message, Pope Francis continues to sound an alarm for many of the war-torn areas he mentioned in last week’s printed message. The following is his Christmas Day address to the people:

Dear Brothers and Sisters, Merry Christmas!

The eyes and the hearts of Christians throughout the world turn to Bethlehem; in these days, it is a place of sorrow and silence, yet it was there that the long-awaited message was first proclaimed: “To you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, who is Christ the Lord” (Luke 2.11). Those words spoken by the angel in the heavens above Bethlehem are also spoken to us. We are full of hope and trust as we realize that the Lord has been born for us; that the eternal Word of the Father, the infinite God, has made his home among us. He became flesh; he came “to dwell among us” (John 1.14). This is the good news that changed the course of history!

The message of Bethlehem is indeed “good news of great joy” (Luke 2.10). What kind of joy? Not the passing happiness of this world, not the glee of entertainment but a joy that is “great” because it makes us great. For today, all of us, with all our shortcomings, embrace the sure promise of an unprecedented gift: the hope of being born for heaven. Yes, Jesus our brother has come to make his Father our Father; a small child, he reveals to us the tender love of God, and much more. He, the Only-Begotten Son of the Father, gives us “power to become children of God” (John 1.12). This is the joy that consoles hearts, renews hope and bestows peace. It is the joy of the Holy Spirit: the joy born of being God’s beloved sons and daughters.

Brothers and sisters, today in Bethlehem, amid the deep shadows covering the land, an undying flame has been lighted. Today the world’s darkness has been overcome by the light of God, which “enlightens every man and woman” (John 1.9). Brothers and sisters, let us exult in this gift of grace! Rejoice, you who have lost confidence in your certitudes, for you are not alone: Christ is born for you! Rejoice, you who have abandoned all hope, for God offers you his outstretched hand; he does not point a finger at you, but offers you his little baby hand, in order to set you free from your fears, to relieve you of your burdens and to show you that, in his eyes, you are more valuable than anything else. Rejoice, you who find no peace of heart, for the ancient prophecy of Isaiah has been fulfilled for your sake: “a child has been born for us, a son given to us, and he is named… Prince of Peace” (9.6). Scripture reveals that his peace, his kingdom, “will have no end” (9.7).

In the Scriptures, the Prince of Peace is opposed by the “Prince of this world” (John 12.31), who, by sowing the seeds of death, plots against the Lord, “the lover of life” (Wisdom 11.26). We see this played out in Bethlehem, where the birth of the Saviour is followed by the slaughter of the innocents. How many innocents are being slaughtered in our world! In their mothers’ wombs, in odysseys undertaken in desperation and in search of hope, in the lives of all those little ones whose childhood has been devastated by war. They are the little Jesuses of today, these little ones whose childhood has been devastated by war.

To say “yes” to the Prince of Peace, then, means saying “no” to war, to every war and to do so with courage, to the very mindset of war, an aimless voyage, a defeat without victors, an inexcusable folly. This is what war is: an aimless voyage, a defeat without victors, an inexcusable folly. To say “no” to war means saying “no” to weaponry. The human heart is weak and impulsive; if we find instruments of death in our hands, sooner or later we will use them. And how can we even speak of peace, when arms production, sales and trade are on the rise? Today, as at the time of Herod, the evil that opposes God’s light hatches its plots in the shadows of hypocrisy and concealment. How much violence and killing takes place amid deafening silence, unbeknownst to many! People, who desire not weapons but bread, who struggle to make ends meet and desire only peace, have no idea how many public funds are being spent on arms. Yet that is something they ought to know! It should be talked about and written about, so as to bring to light the interests and the profits that move the puppet-strings of war.

Isaiah, who prophesied the Prince of Peace, looked forward to a day when “nation shall not lift up sword against nation”, a day when men “will not learn war any more”, but instead “beat their swords into ploughshares, and their spears into pruning hooks” (2.4). With God’s help, let us make every effort to work for the coming of that day!

May it come in Israel and Palestine, where war is devastating the lives of those peoples. I embrace them all, particularly the Christian communities of Gaza, the parish of Gaza, and the entire Holy Land. My heart grieves for the victims of the abominable attack of 7 October last, and I reiterate my urgent appeal for the liberation of those still being held hostage. I plead for an end to the military operations with their appalling harvest of innocent civilian victims, and call for a solution to the desperate humanitarian situation by an opening to the provision of humanitarian aid. May there be an end to the fueling of violence and hatred. And may the Palestinian question come to be resolved through sincere and persevering dialogue between the parties, sustained by strong political will and the support of the international community. Brothers and sisters, let us pray for peace in Palestine and in Israel.

My thoughts turn likewise to the people of war-torn Syria, and to those of long-suffering Yemen. I think too of the beloved Lebanese people, and I pray that political and social stability will soon be attained.

Contemplating the Baby Jesus, I implore peace for Ukraine. Let us renew our spiritual and human closeness to its embattled people, so that through the support of each of us, they may feel the concrete reality of God’s love.

May the day of definitive peace between Armenia and Azerbaijan draw near. May it be advanced by the pursuit of humanitarian initiatives, by the return of refugees to their homes in legality and security, and by reciprocal respect for religious traditions and the places of worship of each community.

Let us not forget the tensions and conflicts that trouble the region of the Sahel, the Horn of Africa and Sudan, as well as Cameroon, the Democratic Republic of the Congo and South Sudan.

May the day draw near when fraternal bonds will be consolidated on the Korean peninsula by undertaking processes of dialogue and reconciliation capable of creating the conditions for lasting peace.

May the Son of God, who became a lowly Child, inspire political authorities and all persons of good will in the Americas to devise suitable ways to resolve social and political conflicts, to combat forms of poverty that offend the dignity of persons, to reduce inequality and to address the troubling phenomenon of migration movements.

From the manger, the Child Jesus asks us to be the voice of those who have no voice. The voice of the innocent children who have died for lack of bread and water; the voice of those who cannot find work or who have lost their jobs; the voice of those forced to flee their lands in search of a better future, risking their lives in grueling journeys and prey to unscrupulous traffickers.

Brothers and sisters, we are approaching the season of grace and hope that is the Jubilee, due to begin a year from now. May this time of preparation for the Holy Year be an opportunity for the conversion of hearts, for the rejection of war and the embrace of peace, and for joyfully responding to the Lord’s call, in the words of Isaiah’s prophecy, “to bring good news to the oppressed, to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and release to the prisoners” (61.1).

Those words were fulfilled in Jesus (Luke 4.18), who is born today in Bethlehem. Let us welcome him! Let us open our hearts to him, who is the Saviour, the Prince of Peace!

This Christmas, we echo the call for saying ”no” to war and “yes” to the peaceful ways and methods that Christ embodied. Regardless of whoever’s side you may empathize with, no one desires the war and strife we see every day in our newsfeed. We continue to pray and plead for conversation and reconciliation despite flaring tempers and agendas. Let the light and spirit of Christmas permeate the hearts of the leaders of the world, as well as its people, well into the new year.

Amen.

When Repaeted Mistakes Keep Repaeting

It’s a vicious cycle that might break once we accept its presence.

We’ve all made a fair amount of mistakes in our lives. If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably been making a lot of the same mistakes over and over again. Actress Mae West was quoted as saying, “I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure,” which sums up our experience pretty well.

While currently learning a new language, I find myself making many of the same mistakes repeatedly. In the exercises (on Duolingo), when you get a translation wrong, it makes you redo that translation at the end of the lesson. And the fun part: it makes you redo the translation EVERY time you get it wrong. So, there are times when I get so stuck, when I hit a mental wall, when I can’t absorb anything beyond what I currently know—it’s then that I get stuck in a cycle of making the same mistakes again and again.

Similarly, I continue to make repeated mistakes in my close relationships. For example, when someone comes to me with a perceived offense, I am too quick to respond with a plea of innocence which only exacerbates the situation. I know I shouldn’t respond that way, and I don’t do it with strangers, but I still repeat those mistakes. WHY?!?

According to behavioral and data scientist Dr. Pragya Agarwal, there are many factors working against us. First, are heuristics—shortcuts made in our brains as a result of a world overloaded with information. With so much going on around us, our minds filter out as much as they can and create neural shortcuts, or templates which get endlessly reused, saving mental energy and conserving resources. 

You see, our brains think that the world is a certain way because of the patterns it’s recognized in the past, and as a result, it thinks those patterns still exist even though we keep telling it that they don’t. The way we’ve self-wired our brains causes us to repeat the mistakes we do, because even when we know we are repeating our misguided words and actions, we are helpless to change because our brains are wired to respond in that predetermined way.

Also against us? Our egos which compel us to stick with what we believe to be true. Being fragile, our egos don’t like to be told that their way of doing things is wrong, so the mind protects it by acting the way we always have.

And not to be left out—we have an internal bias that suggests that if we’ve done something a number of times, we will continue to do it despite the diminishing results.

In short, we suck at fixing our repeated mistakes.

In the past, I’ve discussed the importance of admitting mistakes and getting back up on that proverbial horse. The author of Proverbs indicates that seeking to correct mistakes is a sign of good character: “for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again, but the wicked stumble when calamity strikes” (24.16). It is good to fix your mistakes, but as we’ve seen, the more we try to rewire our brains and stop mistakes from repeating, the more fruitless the pursuit seems to be. So how should we approach our repeated mistakes if science tells us that there is little we can actually do to remap our thought patterns?

I asked a question today of my students: From whom have you learned the most in life? Many said the obvious parental answers, but one student said himself, as he has learned most from the mistakes he’s made. And he is profoundly right, but more importantly, that he is not afraid to publicly admit that he makes mistakes helps him to break that cycle. By admitting our nature in being people who make mistakes, we become comfortable with who we are, which in turn alleviates the shame in repeating them. This process leads to a breaking of the cycle.

On a TV show, I observed a character badly mess up a kitchen restaurant situation that caused all the power to go out. He was out sulking in the back alley when the owner came to talk to him. Their conversation went like this:

I won’t make a mistake again. 

Yeah, you will. But not ’cause you’re you, just ’cause (stuff) happens.

He admitted fault, which was a great first step, but he followed it up with a shameful admission about how he would not repeat his mistake. Up until this point, he’d been sulking, but once the owner let him know that we all repeat our mistakes and that’s okay, he smiled and realized that making repeated mistakes is just who we are. 

When ashamed of our mistakes, we become uncomfortable with the thought of making them, so we hide them from others. That secretive nature leads us to repeat them. Why? Because we are not open to new information and are more worried about image than change. Isaiah suggests that we let our mistakes define us and forget that we don’t need to feel shame from them: ”Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool” (1:18). If we can get ourselves to the point of being comfortable with the idea that yes, we will make mistakes and that is okay, then we have a chance at not repeating our mistakes.

To develop this mentality, we should see our mistakes not as the end of the world but as an opportunity to receive joy for the forgiveness we receive when we ask for it. In his parable about the lost sheep, Christ tells us that, “there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance” (Luke 15.7). Seeing ourselves as candidates for love and forgiveness alleviates the shame we feel as a result of making mistakes. Getting comfortable about our mistake-filled nature allows for lessons to be learned and growth to happen

This week, as you see the mistakes you make, do not be so hard on yourself. Take a breath and know that making mistakes is a part of life and doesn’t label you as a bad person. Don’t hide your misjudgments and miscalculations but let others know that you messed up, as it will alleviate the anguish you feel and help you to remap those seemingly unchangeable mental pathways. You’re going to mess up, and that’s okay: getting used to it will make it even better.

Amen.

Don’t Tell Others How Thankful You Are—Show It

Words are great, but actions solidify your words.

How many times this week did you thank someone? Did you mean it? Or were you just being polite?

The action of thanking someone sometimes gets taken for granted, where we have it at the ready regardless of how we feel and issue it without really thinking about it or sincerely meaning it. Additionally, we too often thank someone only with our words. Are we ready to proverbially put our money where our mouth is?

At this time of year, rather than writing a devotional, I usually find a prayer of Thanksgiving to express our gratitude. This year, I am doing something different: rather than giving words to show Thanksgiving, I am providing examples of ways to show Thanksgiving with a charge to my readers to implement some of them. In John’s 1st letter, he instructs fellow believers to not just speak our feelings of care, but to reveal them in our actions: “Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth” (1 John 3:18). To bring this concept to life, the following is a list from the blog TinyBuddha.com of ways you can express the thanks you feel rather than just saying it.

Show Gratitude to People Who Love You

1. Share a specific example of something they did for you and how it made a difference in your life.
2. Do something little but thoughtful for them—like clean up after Thanksgiving dinner!
3. Give a long, intimate hug; or if you know they don’t like hugs, stick out your hand for a handshake to cater to their preferences and make them smile.
4. Tell them you’re there if they have anything they want to talk about—and let them know they have your full attention.
5. Give them something of yours that you think they would enjoy, and let them know specifically why you want them to have it.
6. Invite them to do something you know they’ve always wanted to do.
7. Encourage them to try something you know they want to try, but haven’t yet because they’re scared.
8. Offer to do something you know they don’t enjoy doing, like organizing their closet or mowing their lawn.
9. Compliment them on a talent, skill, or strength that you admire.
10. Look them straight in the eyes and say, “You make the world a better place.”

Show Gratitude to People Who Challenge You

11. Fully listen to what they have to say instead of forming your rebuttal in your head and waiting to speak.
12. Thank them for introducing you to a new way to look at things, even if you still don’t agree.
13. Pinpoint something you admire about their commitment to their beliefs—even if you don’t hold them, as well.
14. Resist the urge to tell them they’re wrong.
15. Challenge them right back to be the best they can be, with love and positive intentions.
16. If they inspired you to push outside your comfort zone, thank them for inspiring you to take a risk, and let them know how it paid off.
17. Write a blog post about how they helped you see things differently and dedicate it to them.
18. Use the lesson this person teaches you through your interactions, whether it’s patience, compassion, or courage.
19. Introduce them to someone who may challenge them and help them grow, as they’ve done for you.
20. Let them know how you appreciate when they challenge you in a loving, non-confrontational way—and if they don’t do that, be calm and kind when you ask them to do that going forward.

Show Gratitude to People Who Serve You

21. Give a larger tip than usual.
22. If they have a tip jar, include a thoughtful note of appreciation along with your coins or bills.
23. Smile when you order or enlist their assistance. Smiles are contagious, so give one away!
24. If they serve you regularly, acknowledge something they always do well—like work efficiently or stay calm under pressure.
25. Exhibit patience, even if you’re in a hurry.
26. Let their superior know they do an outstanding job.
27. Keep their workplace clean—for example, at a coffee shop, clean up after yourself at the sugar stand.
28. Offer to get a coffee for them, if it’s someone working in or outside your home.
29. If you have their contact information, send an email of appreciation—and let them know you just wanted to express your gratitude, so they don’t need to write back.
30. Praise them in a review on Yelp and/or recommend them to people you know.

Show Gratitude to People Who Work with You

31. Write a hand-written thank you note, acknowledging things you value about them and their work.
32. Offer to lighten their workload in some way if you are able.
33. Bring back lunch for them if you know they’re working hard and likely haven’t had a chance to grab something.
34. If you’re running a meeting, keep it short to show them you appreciate and respect their time.
35. Ask them about their lives instead of always being all business. This doesn’t mean you need to pry into personal matters; it just means showing an interest in who they are as people.
36. Be the calm, light voice in a stressful situation.
37. Give them flowers to brighten their desk.
38. Let their boss know how they’re doing a great job and contributing to the company.
39. Listen fully if they’re having a difficult day, and recognize if they need space to figure things out on their own, not advice or help.
40. Remember that little things can make a big difference!

Show Gratitude for Yourself

41. Make a list of ways you’ve impressed yourself lately.
42. Treat yourself to something you enjoy, like a pedicure or a massage.
43. If someone compliments you, thank them and let them know you’re proud of that skill, talent, or accomplishment.
44. Compliment yourself—say it while looking in the mirror, write it in a journal, or jot it on a sticky note and put it on your refrigerator.
45. Give yourself time to enjoy a passion you’re sometimes too busy to fit in.
46. Take an inventory of all the good things you’ve done for other people and the world.
47. Write yourself a love letter. Seriously, start with “Dear Lori” (but insert your own name) and describe all the things you admire about yourself.
48. Let go of any conditions you have for being kind to yourself—meaning you appreciate yourself even if you didn’t accomplish or do anything specific.
49. Schedule a date with yourself—an afternoon or evening that’s all about you.
50. Share the beauty that is you with the people around you, knowing they’re fortunate to have you in their lives.

Don’t let thankfulness be merely a collection of words for you, but let it be apparent in every action you put forth. James, the brother of Jesus, wrote: “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says” (1:22). Find ways to show thankfulness this holiday season rather than letting it be just a polite saying.

I am thankful to have you in my life, so I dedicate this devotional to you.

Amen.

Stop Stalling and Be a Superhero!

You’re letting an uncertain future result hinder your great plans for adventure.

How important is it to have a full plan when starting out? We’ve been told that before taking on any task, you should create goals, establish steps, assess your strengths and weaknesses, etc. American author of several self-help books Alan Lakein tells us that, “failing to plan is planning to fail,” but is there benefit in jumping in without knowing where you’re going or how you’re going to get there?

Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock, you know that superhero movies have been all the rage the past decade and a half. More specifically, Marvel owns the lion share with 33 successful films since 2008. What makes their efforts unique is how all of these movies are interconnected, part of what is called the “Marvel Cinematic Universe” or MCU. So, characters from different movies interact with one another, show up in each other’s movies, make references to events from other movies, and sometimes all come together for a big showdown against a villain.

The genius behind the MCU is Kevin Fiege, who rose through the ranks of Hollywood using willpower, savvy, and hard work. Over the last 15 years, he developed a massive timeline of events into a single storyline: all movies have their own story, but they also contribute to an overarching story that spans several movies. With references to multiple events, callbacks to earlier scenes, characters entering the series at just the right moment, it all seems like a meticulous plan that was developed years in advance. It’s an amazing tapestry woven together that seems so deliberate. For years, I figured that they must have pages and pages of planned work for the series, but the truth of the matter is that they are sort of making it up as they go along. 

I just finished the highly informative and massively thorough book “MCU: The Reign of Marvel Studios” which details the accomplishments and struggles of Kevin Fiege and his co-creators. In its pages, the authors detail how Fiege struggled to get financing for early movies Iron Man and The Incredible Hulk and gambled on many people, scripts, actors, and bank loans. He knew that he wanted to create a massive storytelling universe, but given the number of obstacles in his way, he wasn’t sure just how to do it. Several characters he wanted to use he didn’t even have the rights to, financing was slim to none, and world events like Covid often prohibited filming. So how did he go about with his massive several decade long plan? 

He just jumped in and figured it out as he went along. And honestly, it all comes together so perfectly despite the lack of planning.

It’s an interesting and risky mentality that stops many from even trying, but it’s that approach to life that gets us going rather than being stuck in neutral. When I was first married, we discussed when we should buy a house and have a child. We planned and figured out what we needed before we would do these things, but we learned through experience that there IS no right time for either nor will there ever be. You just have to jump in sometimes without a plan and keep yourself committed. Author Ray Bradbury said it best:

If we listened to our intellect we’d never have a love affair. We’d never have a friendship. We’d never go in business because we’d be cynical: “It’s gonna go wrong.” Or “She’s going to hurt me.” Or, “I’ve had a couple of bad love affairs, so therefore . . .” Well, that’s nonsense. You’re going to miss life. You’ve got to jump off the cliff all the time and build your wings on the way down.

Jumping first without knowing if you will land safely is frightening to many, but it forces you to develop plans as you go along. It invites creativity and motivation and eliminates excuses for stalling out. For example, nine years ago, I felt the urge to begin writing devotionals. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with them or what the end goal was. All I knew was that I had to jump off that cliff and figure it out as I was falling. Now, 400 devotionals later, I’ve reached over two thousand people and developed my writing beyond what I thought possible. What’s the endpoint? I have no idea! I don’t even think I’ve hit the ground yet, so I am still figuring out my wings as I’m falling: and that’s what’s fun about the process. I’ve tackled something scary and difficult for the sake of it and the journey has been immensely rewarding. 

In truth, faith plays a big part in jumping without wings. We really don’t know what will come of our efforts, but we have faith that they are not in vain. Hebrews 11.1 defines faith as, “confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” There’s no way we can accurately plan our futures, so we hope and hold close to the faith we have that it will turn out alright. We too often hesitate when we can’t see the future, but that lack of sight should be a signal for us to jump rather than to wait for a clear sign of approval or vision for the future. In faith, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3.5-6). By cultivating faith and trust and not relying on cost/benefit analysis or ten-year plans, we follow more paths than had we decided to map it all out beforehand. And it’s that hesitation and stalling that often causes us to miss out on opportunity.

In faith, Fiege dove into the MCU, and currently, the films are the highest grossing film series in history, having made 29.55 billion dollars worldwide (which is 3 times the next closest film series, Star Wars). He struck right when the time was right, and had he waited for the right funding or all the proper scripts to come together, he would have missed out on being the most successful producer in film history.

In a scene from the 80’s film Better Off Dead, a character instructs a hapless John Cusack how to ski: “Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn.” It’s perfect advice for those who are too afraid to tackle a challenge without a net. If we remember and heed Solomon’s words in Proverbs: “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will establish your plans” (16.3), then we too will enjoy building our wings as we fall in faith. 

Amen.

If You Live for the Future, the Present Will Pass You By

Root yourself in the now, enjoying what each day has to bring.

Bryan Johnson, age 46, wants to live forever.

That’s a similar sentiment for most people, but the difference between him and us is that he’s rich. Stupid rich, in fact. He has every resource at his fingertips, and so he might just live forever.

In chasing immortality, for both himself and future generations, he’s developing a system dubbed “Blueprint” where every life and health decision is outsourced to a team of doctors who parse through the data and determine the best decisions in maintaining his health. He has a regiment where he wakes up every day at 4:53 AM, weighs himself immediately, sits under a light-therapy lamp for a few minutes, washes his face with a wrinkle-defying cream, puts on a laser light mask for five minutes, and then he’s ready to start his day (which brings us to around 6 AM). From there, it’s eye drops for pre-cataracts and nose vibrations for tear duct stimulation, all while taking a series of 111 pills every day. Then it’s leg presses, weights, planks, stretches, etc., sometimes while wearing a V02 mask. For food, it’s a lot of lentil mush, nutty puddings, and smelly juices. 

Is it working? According to doctors, he has the body of an 18-year-old and is in the top 1% of ideal muscle fat. But is he happy? That’s a judgment call based on the things that aren’t in his life.

What is gone are the things that most of us enjoy and savor: coffee, pizza, sleeping in, staying up late, alcohol, leisure activity, and fun. (“The idea of having pizza is more painful than pleasurable for me,” he says.) Spontaneity is gone, as is any deviation from his strict routine. He doesn’t go out much either, preferring to stay in the sterilized confines of his fairly empty and unfurnished mansion. Also gone? His wife and two of his three children (his 18-year-old son lives with him.) His body is clearly in shape, but his face has an eerie, uncanny valley look of someone who is trying to look much younger than they actually are. Is this living? Most would argue that he has sacrificed living in an attempt to live forever.

It’s one thing to get the most out of life, but it’s another to focus only on living forever. In a 2006 speech to the graduating class at Stanford, Steve Jobs, the founder of Apple, stressed the need to focus on the present day and live that day to its fullest: “For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: ‘If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?’” It’s a great way of making sure that the things you are doing are worth doing and live fully. In Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, he similarly encouraged them to, “Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity” (5:15-16). Every day counts, but that doesn’t mean we should be counting the days like Bryan Johnson does.

So how can we learn to make the most of our lives without focusing so much on the prolonging of it? The answer is to live not in the past or future but in the present.

A meditation activity that I’ve done not only with myself but with my students is called a 5-4-3-2-1. It involves the five senses and observing the things around you. To start, take notice of five things around you, and then find four things you can touch. At that point, close your eyes and find three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. During these moments, you notice things that you hadn’t before, sounds or sensations that escaped you because your mind was too busy to observe. It makes you hyper-aware of the present and what is going on around you. Afterwards, you become more focused and aware of your environment because you are more connected to the present. You are able to observe more and aren’t thinking about yesterday or what you need to do tomorrow: you are in the now. 

I’ve been asked how I am able to come up with something new to write about every week. To be able to develop ideas and put them into a new devotion every seven days seems extraordinary to some, but I would suggest that it isn’t as hard as it may seem. My secret is that I put myself in the present as much as possible, being aware of what is around me as much as I can. I start my day with guided meditation, readying my head, heart, and eyes for what may come their way during that day. Throughout the day, I spend time reconnecting myself to the current moment by taking a breath or pausing to reflect, which then opens my mind and heightens my awareness. As such, I then find that I am always learning something new or observing something I hadn’t before, which prompts topics for this column. That is what it means to live in the present. 

The author of Ecclesiastes, the elderly King Solomon, after a lifetime of experience, wrote: “I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God” ( 3:12-13). Living to avoid death is no kind of life, as it denies all of what makes life worth living. That approach is a constant fixation on avoiding an inevitable outcome rather than embracing the joy that each day brings. This week, live not for tomorrow, but for today, because “you do not even know what will happen tomorrow” (James 4.14). Take steps to connect with the present, and the world will unfold before you. Life was made so that we could enjoy the present, and if we are always thinking beyond the current day, we will miss out on the tremendous treasures right in front of us. 

Amen.

You Deserve to be the Happiest Person in the World

Choosing compassion and unconditional love is the path that will lighten your load.

What do you deserve?

If you were to ask Hamlet, he would suggest that if we treat everyone the way they deserve, “who shall ‘scape whipping?”, but I suggest that people deserve a little better than that. The question is a basic human rights issue, where we must look at what people are entitled to. Most agree that we all deserve food, water, and shelter—basic survival aspects of our existence—so our charity efforts are often focused on providing these needs through monetary donations. Others argue that healthcare is a right, how everyone should have access to it, so we have legislators who work to pass laws providing medical assistance to those who cannot afford it, and we send volunteers and doctors to countries who have no one to aid them. 

Then there are aspects that are not so clear cut because of how we feel about certain people, such as what human emotions people have a right to. It’s nice to think that everyone deserves to be happy and loved, but I’m sure you can think of a neighbor or relative that defies that description. Dignity and worth are other valid emotions, but should everyone feel that? Perhaps. These are all positive and beneficial feelings that we can agree most people should feel, but should anyone be deserving of negative emotions?

More specifically, do people deserve hatred? 

Most would probably balk at that question, as we cannot imagine indulging in our hatred for another, but aren’t there some people who should be hated? Aren’t the dregs of society, murderers, rapists, and genocidal madmen worthy of our scorn? It seems almost irresponsible to suggest that we shouldn’t hate certain dictators and serial killers. When we start to talk about how everyone deserves forgiveness and compassion, that’s where some people draw the line, yet if you ask Matthieu Ricard, he’s a lot more open to the idea.

Known as “the world’s happiest man,” Ricard is a former cellular geneticist turned Buddhist monk who authors books on wisdom, altruism, and happiness. In a recent New York Times interview, Ricard was asked what his happiness secret was, and ultimately it came down to, “I cannot imagine feeling hate or wanting someone to suffer.” The key to his happiness is compassion, that in a world of strife, suffering, and division, he wants everyone to be happy: 

When we speak of compassion, you want everybody to find happiness. No exception. You cannot just do that for those who are good to you or close to you. It has to be universal. You may say that Putin and Bashar al-Assad are the scum of humanity, and rightly so. But compassion is about remedying the suffering and its cause. How would that look? You can wish that the system that allowed someone like that to emerge is changed…You can wish that the cruelty, the indifference, the greed may disappear from these people’s minds. 

For him, compassion lacks any moral judgment, being a desire to “remedy suffering wherever it is, whatever form it takes and whoever causes it.” He feels that no one should be hated, no matter how bad they are, because he doesn’t hate the person or wish for bad things to happen to them: he just hopes that they change.

For example, as I sit here writing this devotional outside, I am being attacked by mosquitos. Do I hate mosquitos? Perhaps, but more importantly I hate that they want to bite me. Compassion is a desire for individual and societal change where the behavior stops or alters for the better. If the mosquitos didn’t bite me, I probably wouldn’t hate them, as they are creatures created from love. For those we find loathsome and detestable, how we view them is key to being capable of compassion for all.

So what’s the solution? In Paul’s letter to the Colossians, he tells us to, “Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience” (3:12), with compassion being the first thing we put on. But what happens when our wardrobe lacks the necessary garments?

The answer is through unconditional love. In John’s Gospel, the local leaders challenged Jesus with a seemingly unsolvable problem, but He found that compassion and unconditional love would solve it: “The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, ‘Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?’”(John 8.3-4). By publicly humiliating the woman, the Pharisees attempted to trap Him by being indifferent (the opposite of compassion). He refused to respond to their attempts at public shaming and remained silent for a great deal of time in an effort to quiet the crowd: “When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, ‘Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her” (7). Eventually, they all dropped their stones and left, and Christ forgave her. His compassion and unconditional love changed the course of her life.

As with Jesus, Ricard feels that compassion is found through unconditional love, so how do we cultivate it? “When you are in that moment of unconditional love — say, for a child — this fills our mind for 30 seconds, maybe a minute, then suddenly it’s gone. We all have experienced that. The only difference now is to cultivate that in some way. Make it stay a little longer. Try to be quiet with it for 10 minutes, 20 minutes. If it goes away, try to bring it back. Give it vibrancy and presence. That’s exactly what meditation is about. If you do that for 20 minutes a day, even for three weeks, this will trigger a change.”

This week, squash hatred and cultivate compassion. Think of those for whom you have unconditional love and develop that feeling beyond those boundaries with meditation and reflection. When you find yourself leaning towards contempt for another, see beyond what they do and instead see them as a creation of God and nature, developed out of love, and remember that unconditional love that you are capable of. Seek out compassion for them, seeing them not as evil but as a product of a broken world, one who is capable of being better. By developing compassion through unconditional love, you will find your happiness too, seeing that this world deserves not the hatred it gets but the love you have to give it.

Amen.

Without Real Sacrifice, You are Hurting Your Relationships

Sacrifice is not the same as compromise: you should be giving without expecting.

A complicated word, there are many shades of definitions that run the gamut of what exactly “sacrifice” is, but we can all agree that it is a denial of oneself. It is when life and the world requires us to give up something we want or desire.

For example, during Lent many sacrifice a food, vice, or practice. Several people admirably give up meat for forty days as their sacrifice. Others dig really deep and give up something that they crave, like chocolate or alcohol. During this time, the purpose of sacrifice is for introspection, focus, and a closer awareness of our spiritual relationships. 

Sacrifice implies a relationship between two parties, and the level of sacrifice determines the level of devotion to that relationship. The key qualities include selflessness and commitment as well as a recognition of a greater purpose—that the short-term denial contributes to a longer-term goal in that relationship, a sign of a deepening commitment. Thus, the greater the sacrifice, the stronger the commitment.

The most obvious example of Biblical commitment is the sacrifice of God’s son for the love of humanity. For parents, there is no greater sacrifice, so God’s sacrifice of Jesus meant that His love and level of commitment is unsurpassable and His devotion knows no boundaries: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3.16). This sacrifice reflects the amount of love God has for His people and how much He desires humanity to be close to Him. In John 15:13, Jesus says, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends,” reinforcing that philosophy, showing how Christ sacrificed His own life for those He encountered and for future generations.

God’s and Christ’s sacrifices measure just how much He is willing to give up for us. A sacrifice should require giving up something that truly and deeply affects us. Using God’s sacrifice as an example, we should ask ourselves: How much are we willing to give up for those we love? To what measure are we willing to sacrifice for those we claim to care for? In order to answer these questions, we must first better identify what it means to sacrifice for another. 

We do not fundamentally understand what sacrifice is. For example, I am not much of a morning person and my wife is not much of a night person. To help each other out, I get up a little earlier to be with her and she stays up a little later to be with me. I want to sleep in and she wants to go to bed early, so we both give up some of our desired time and activities for the sake of unity in our marriage. Historian and author Joseph Campbell once said that, “When you make the sacrifice in marriage, you’re sacrificing not to each other but to unity in a relationship.” But where some may see our choice as sacrifice, I would argue that it is not: it is compromise. 

There are distinct differences between the two. Compromise involves finding a middle ground between two parties where each gives up something in exchange for something else. Sacrifice means giving up something without expecting anything in return, a commitment to the relationship that has no strings attached or expectations involved. So again, to what measure are we willing to sacrifice for those we love that DOES NOT INVOLVE COMPROMISE?

For those in a loving relationship, true sacrifice should not be a 50/50 mentality between partners. Instead, it should be each person giving one hundred percent of the time. That way, when one person isn’t his or her best self, the other person is there to lift up the relationship to where it should be. Sacrifice should involve a level of personal suffering for the other person. In Paul’s letter to the Galatians, he encouraged sacrifice in the form of taking up the sufferings of each other: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (6:2). To sacrificially take another’s burden upon yourself involves suffering, a giving of oneself with a personal cost. 

So, how can we give sacrificially now that we know what it means? Time, energy, and money are the first things that come to mind, giving them up for other people’s needs. But there are other aspects of ourselves that can be sacrificed, ways that involve our personal needs. One is the need to always be right along with the constant urge to be perfect, two things I struggle with in my own marriage. I too often fight for the littlest thing in an effort to be right and perfect, but by doing so, I am winning the battle but losing the war. Almost all disagreements I’ve had could have been settled through my sacrifice, yet I perpetuate the cycle and increase the damage by insisting that I am never wrong. I sacrifice physical needs easily, but for me, it is the sacrifice of my emotional needs that need work. 

In denying yourself these key aspects, you are truly sacrificing for those you love. If you are like me and find yourself lacking in these areas, some ways you can develop them include cultivating empathy and prioritizing your relationships through active listening and reflecting on your own motivations. If I listen more and see what I truly want out of a disagreement, I begin to put her before me and see what it is like to be in her shoes. From there, the sacrifice becomes a natural progression.

Mother Teresa, in a speech at a National Prayer breakfast in 1971 said, “I must be willing to give whatever it takes not to harm other people and, in fact, to do good to them. This requires that I be willing to give until it hurts.” That we should give to the point of suffering is a true denial of oneself and a full surrender to the other person, be it a romantic, familial, or friendship. Without that mentality, there will always be a level of selfishness in the relationship, where you expect the other to reciprocate. In doing so, your relationship becomes less about them and more about you, shifting the target of love and attention off the intended. To truly love another person, you must be willing to sacrifice yourself to the point where it exhausts you, as without sacrifice, we end up denying the love that we so want to give and end up renouncing those whom we truly love.

Amen.