When Stalemate Fights Develop into Relationship Standoffs

Win or lose, it’s a bloodbath. Try hearing instead.

A whistle in the distance…a rolling tumbleweed…squinty eyes…itchy trigger fingers. Looks like we’ve got an old-fashioned standoff! Yeehaw!

My wife said to me the other day that she and I don’t have many actual fights in our relationship but rather we have a variety of standoffs, where each person has his or her own ideas and won’t budge on them. We are two alphas constantly butting heads and refusing to back down.

Hearing those words made me rethink a lot of how we approach each other in conflict. It reframed our disagreements for me, seeing them not as people angry at each other but as individuals strategizing to be heard. It also made me realize that in every fight we have, there is a potential winner and loser, and even when you win, you lose.

Our most recent standoff? We have had a long-standing one in our relationship. The proverbial thorn in our side, where we have each stood our ground firmly and refused to concede.

Apple vs. Samsung.

I have been a die-hard Apple user since iPhone 3. In it for the long haul, I love my iPhone and get a new one every year. It is everything I’ve ever wanted and more. Years ago, my wife dug in her heels with Samsung and only conceded this year when our son switched over to iPhone. (His friends all have one and she wanted to be able to stay in close contact with him—the two opposing services don’t communicate well with each other otherwise.) 

Since then, she has kicked and screamed about her iPhone because it doesn’t do what she wants it to do. So the other night, when she had trouble with it connecting to her car, that standoff came center stage. 

It began as most fights and standoffs do, with an expression of frustration. I tried just listening, but after a few minutes, she didn’t feel heard. (Even though one can be in listening mode, that doesn’t mean the other person feels heard.) You see, she wanted some concession from the lot of us iPhone users, where we would break out of our collective “cult-craze zombie-like acceptance” (her words)  and see the light that Samsung is better.

Now, this all seems silly written down, but remember that standoffs aren’t always about the issue. Often, as I’ve mentioned before, they are about the history between the two parties. When a couple disagrees, it’s about all the other things that the other person has ever done. So, to help recontextualize the stalemate, it’s important to see the other person not as an aggressor but as someone who feels unappreciated. According to relationship therapist Esther Perel, fights bring susceptibilities to the surface and are frequently difficult to solve because both involved parties misunderstand what is at the root of the problem: hurt and vulnerability. Because of this misunderstanding, couples end up having the same fight over and over because each feels vulnerable and not heard. To truly win the argument, couples need to take steps to break the loop. 

The first step is to recontextualize it not as a fight to be won: there is no right or wrong side. The goal is then shifted away from winning and moves towards understanding where the other person is coming from. It becomes much more productive that way as each person starts to retract their alpha horns and back off. In John 13, Christ takes all of the rules of life and boils it down to this: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another” (34-35). Putting love first and winning last achieves this goal.

In addition, don’t try to make your partner see your perspective, as that also creates a push and pull scenario between the two of you. Instead, shift your goals towards understanding the other person’s perspective by examining feelings and experiences. Remember, there is a difference between listening and hearing. I tend to listen, which means I get quiet during a fight. Unfortunately that is perceived as a dismissal, where the other person thinks you are shutting down. Instead, actively listen, where you ask questions that help to shed light on areas that your partner feels you are in the dark about. It’s hard, but Ephesians 4 asks us to “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (2-3). Letting them know that you are actively listening paves a path of love for the both of you to travel together. 

And if you are on the other side and are the one coming in hot with the argument, avoid accusations and judgments on the other person. Frame your issues with how you are feeling and why you feel defensive about an issue. Explaining that you feel attacked rather than accusing the other person of attacking you puts emotions at the center and allows for empathy. Ephesians asks that we “walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (5:2). Avoiding an attack by focusing on how you feel rather than what the other person did allows for that walk. Seeking to find common ground and relating to each other’s feelings also models that love for the other person, and sometimes even persuades them to act likewise. For us, we might still disagree about our phones, but at least we are understanding each other’s emotions and aren’t in a stalemate.

Roaming the romantic wild west and coming across the occasional relationship standoff is a given. Good couples fight, and when they do, it can often lead down the wrong path. Be sure to set that path straight not by framing your argument about who’s right or wrong or how much the other person hurt you, but instead by developing it around your vulnerabilities, the emotions the issue evoked, and how you want to understand the other person’s point of view. In a stalemate, no one wins, but in a relationship framed with empathy, everyone does.

Amen.

Suffering the Screams of Small Children

Bearing the annoyances of others is a more compassionate response than fixing their path.

I love having the windows open at my house. Feeling the warm breeze sweep through while the curtains flutter is both invigorating and soothing at the same time. Having them open to nature also allows for the calming soft patter of raindrops as they gently soak the lawn, while at night, gentle crickets chirps create a symphony that lulls me to sleep.

However, having the windows open also allows for neighborhood sounds, which usually isn’t a problem, except when it’s the shrieking 4-year-old across the street.

They moved in sometime in the winter, so we hadn’t noticed anything until these past few months. And when we did, it was impossible to avoid. The parents open the doors and let her out of the house in the very early morning, and she screams her brains out until nine at night. It’s not consistent, which actually might be better because I could just tune that out: it’s sporadic, surprising, ear-piercing, and right next door. And it is driving me insane.

The family lives in a small house with a big yard, so kick her out and let her run like a wild banshee the whole day. She screams when she plays, when she gets hurt, when she’s excited, and whenever she feels like it. And no one there does anything to stop her or console her. In fact, they rarely interact with her. She is left to her own devices, running around and caterwauling in her vast yard. And if she’s not screaming, then her slightly younger sister is there making high-pitched barking noises. It’s a cacophony of nails against multiple chalkboards that puts my teeth on edge and provokes my desire to march over there and fix not only that kid but those parents, too.

Being that it’s destroying my peace, a big part of me wants to speak to those parents about the noise pollution that is pouring into my windows. I am also feeling the need to set them straight by telling them how to properly parent their kids. But is it my place to do so? 

Many morally upstanding people tend to feel the need to correct others when they see them in need of it. There is even a Biblical basis for it, too, as some interpret it to be. In James’s letter to the twelve scattered tribes, he writes as a warning: “My brothers and sisters, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring that person back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sins” (5:19-20). As such, many feel the need to constantly “fix” people because they think that it’s their duty and sworn right, but we can all agree that a self-righteous approach like that is never received well.

For example, I feel the need to point out people’s bad driving, usually with an audible blast of my horn. They may be driving under the speed limit, not turning when they are supposed to, sticking out too far in the road, whatever. I need to make my point, letting them know that they are in violation of the rules of the road, and send them on the correct way. (I’m doing the world a favor!) My hope is that when they hear my correction, they will collectively smack their hands to their heads in a moment of realization, and promise the heavens and society to never be that ignorant of the law ever again. (At least that’s how it plays out in my head.)

But pointing out their faults never results in that outcome. Instead, they end up riding my bumper, fly some rude hand gestures, and shout their opinions about my own driving. My self-righteousness breeds anger and resentment, not renunciation and pleas of forgiveness. Additionally, when I “correct” other drivers, I feel no sense of accomplishment or joy myself. I have perpetuated a cycle of anger and hatred, where I have not only externalized it but internalized it as well. 

Paul’s letter to the Romans asks that we “accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God” (15:7). We forget that even when we were unlikable and unloveable, there were those who loved us despite our nature. That level of unconditional love, where we accept others as they are, is at the source of compassion. It was first given to us, so why are we so resistant in giving it to others? How can we claim to love others when we are quick to show anger towards those who annoy us? 

In Pauls’ letter to the Colossians, he asks that despite our perceived injustices, we should “bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (3:13). The key to dealing with those annoying drivers and shrieky neighborhood children (and their nonparticipant parents) is to bear with them, which is easier said than done. But when I step away from my emotional state and think about the situation with my head and heart, I begin to see the offender in a new light. I develop empathy and compassion towards them when I become curious and start to wonder what their lives are like, why they act that way, and what led them to that point. I don’t know what their struggles are or what emotions they are currently dealing with. If I were to have a conversation with any of the involved parties, I’m sure I wouldn’t mind their awkward driving and senseless screaming children. I would begin to understand them better.

By being curious and seeking understanding, we gain wisdom regarding other people’s circumstances. Proverbs 19:11 tells us that, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” If we seek to gain wisdom rather than responding with knee-jerk emotion, we can put ourselves in each others’ shoes and develop compassion towards their positions. It takes some patience, humility, and restraint, but it ultimately promotes peace and understanding as well as true personal satisfaction, as opposed to the fleeting satisfaction of an emotional response. This week, rather than indulge in fuming judgment when others annoy you, resist the urge to fix them and instead seek wisdom and patience through meditation and the practice of compassion. Make more attempts to understand others and their personal situations and perhaps even you may be able to bear the shrieks of children.

Amen.

When Climbing That Hill Gets Interrupted by Those Who Didn’t

It’s frustrating when you put in all the work but those who didn’t get the same benefits.

It was one of the hottest summers for Europe on record, according to the New York Times, and we just happened to have booked our trip there right in the middle of it.

Never having been to Greece before, we had one main goal while in Athens this past week: see the Acropolis. It is possibly the most recognizable ancient ruin in the world. Who wouldn’t have that same goal in mind when visiting? We had one day to do it, and it just happened to be on the hottest day of the heatwave.

Clocking in at a whopping 108 degrees, the sun beat down while we stood in a longer than usual line (2 hours just to the gate). We waited patiently behind thousands of people in a line that looped all the way around the mountain in a complete circle. In addition to managing the heat, we also navigated slippery rocks and difficult steps without railings. Yet, our determination drove us onward despite these obstacles. By the time we got to the entrance, we felt that we had deeply earned that spot. 

So you can imagine our outrage when people began cutting the line in front of us.

It’s a rule we all learn in kindergarten. No one likes a line cutter, especially those who put in as much work as we did. After many hours, we dragged our sweaty selves through that gate, yet these perspire-less people had just gotten there and hadn’t put in the effort. And it wasn’t just there either: where we bottlenecked going up the stairs, others tried to skim the outside and get ahead. It was a frustrating situation for all who watched it happen to them. And throughout, I struggled with how to respond to this situation.

People who don’t want to put in the work and cheat others out of their position have been around since the dawn of time. In Proverbs, King Solomon brings up a situation in a business deal where the purchaser attempts to surreptitiously downplay the value of a product to get a better deal from the seller: “’It’s no good, it’s no good!’ says the buyer—then goes off and boasts about the purchase” (20:14). I see it in my classroom in group work, where one or two people do all the work and the rest of the group ride their coattails to the A+. Despite our good intentions and rule-following dispositions, those who do nothing and benefit from others’ hard work pervade our society.

As people cut the line, I watched as some just let it happen, their side glances indicating their disapproval. I too remained quiet but steaming on the inside. At other spots further up ahead where line cutting continued, I watched as some shouted their disapproval and threatened cutters to get back in line, sometimes more than once to the same people. I awed at their verbal chutzpah and temerity, but was that the right response instead of nothing? Was my silence showing complicity? I know how I felt (outraged), but how was I to respond? So I put it all in perspective to better understand.

The reason I felt so angry was because I had put in so much work to get to where I wanted to be, but they didn’t. It didn’t seem fair, a feeling we face in multiple circumstances. When people are faced with unfairness, it triggers a fight or flight mentality: we either engage it or avoid it (as viewed by those who responded, or didn’t, to the line cutters). But who imposed the idea of life being fair on us to begin with? Looking around at those who have and those who have not, it’s clear that life is far from fair. There will always be those who take advantage of others if given the chance. It is an irresolvable situation where no amount of shouting will prompt people to follow the rules we’ve created as a society. 

And when I think about it, didn’t I get what I wanted, which was to see the Acropolis? It may not have been in the exact timeframe I wished, but I accomplished my primary goal: so why be distracted by lesser pursuits such as making sure everyone is following the rules? Like the car who cuts us off in traffic to get ahead, will our emotional reaction really change the situation for the better and work us closer to our goal? In Paul’s second letter to the Corinthian church, he reminds us to not lose sight of our main goals: “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” (4:16-18). By focusing on the reason for being there that day, I can catch my emotional response, consider the situation rationally, recognize what is and is not in my control, and respond with my eyes set firmly on my goal.

It is important to not lose sight of why we do what we do, i.e.—what our true motivations are. When Paul wrote to the Galatians, he encouraged them to look beyond those whose motivations were not pure: “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (6:9). When we are faced with unfairness, it is not only important to observe our reactions but to also determine if the loss is real and/or worth getting upset over. You may be right in how you feel, but it is more important to be healthy than right. Choosing when to react and when not to is key to your mental and emotional health. And by learning to know when to react and when to accept the situation, you will find a greater inner peace that satisfies not only your needs but helps you to climb that hill and reach your goals.

Amen.

Conflict Is Inevitable, but Resentment and Anger Are Not

When others don’t apologize, it’s okay for you to move past the conflict.

Conflict is never easy to navigate. Most people try to avoid it at all costs. Some even allow others to walk over them to steer clear of an argument. It’s scary, but sometimes its necessary to achieve a situation where both parties are satisfied. So what happens when you choose to engage, and it doesn’t get resolved on both ends? Should you continue to harp on it until you get what you want?

I recently entered into a conflict with someone I’d known for years. She always had a somewhat sarcastic streak to her, but this time she had gone a little far with me. I was speaking to a group of people about a concern I had when she started to mock me. I decided that I was not going to accept or ignore her comments, so as scary as it was, I chose to engage in conflict. 

I told her that she should not speak to me like that, especially in front of everyone, because she was shaming me for who I was. She dismissed me immediately and doubled down on her comment. I could have ignored her, but I chose to engage in conflict again, telling her that she was being rude to me and that it was unacceptable. At that point, she began to back down, but she did not apologize as she should have.

Best case scenario is, of course, for her to apologize at some point to me, telling me that she was sorry for her derogatory comments. Maybe throw in an indication of regret with an expression of the importance of our friendship. But what happens when you don’t get those things you need after a conflict? In Luke 17:3-4, Christ instructs others: “So watch yourselves. ‘If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.'” Yet, what happens when the world just continues to spin, life goes on, and no one repents?

When others hurt us, it’s important to stand up for ourselves and make our case, but then what? How long should we stay angry or resentful towards them when we don’t get that apology? Actress Carrie Fisher once said that, “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Holding onto a grudge seems to only hurt the person holding on to it, but don’t I want her to repent and apologize?

In the film O Brother, Where Art Thou? lead Holly Hunter expresses anger and frustration at her good-for-nothing husband George Clooney. She says all she needs to say to him, and then sums up with, “I’ve said my peace and counted to three.” She refuses to engage in the conflict any further, and now it is up to him to fix the situation. It’s a funny moment, but a true one, too.

When conflict does arise and we choose to express ourselves, it is important to say what needs to be said, but repetition of the point is only a form of manipulation. It doesn’t achieve the end goal which is to stop or alter the behavior. In Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, he teaches them: “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (4.26-7). Staying angry at someone doesn’t benefit us and only opens the door for us to stumble.

It made me think of how I should face my friend the following day since she never apologized. I thought, if I act like nothing has happened the next time I see her, am I treating it like it didn’t affect me? My words from the previous day haven’t changed or been withdrawn, so no, it won’t come across that way. More importantly, why belabor a point when you’ve said what you’ve had to say to someone? It’s not really our job to draw out a correction or rebuke: that’s between them and God. Instead, it’s our job to put the proverbial ball into their court: I’ve said what I’ve had to say and now it’s up to you to fix yourself. So what is the point in me holding on to any anger against her? My initial anger was a reaction to her words, but continued anger is a choice where I should be choosing peace and resolution instead. I said my peace and counted to three, so I don’t need to choose anger or resentment: I can choose peace.

The next day when I saw her, I chose to live peacefully with her instead of striking up further conflict. I had expressed how I felt, and she knew that I felt that way. Had I chosen anger instead, it would have prolonged the conflict rather than resolved it. This anger might have even empowered her to lash out at me because of how I was then responding to her. Choosing peace created a clear boundary between us—she knows where it is and knows what will happen if she crosses it again. Choosing anger would have redrawn it. By choosing peace, I am not pushing her to reform but allowing for grace to exist between us. Additionally, maybe she needs time to process what happened, to reflect on the situation. Choosing anger shuts that reflection down but choosing peace causes introspection.

In his letter to the Romans, Paul tells them, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil… If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone… Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”(12:17-21). Conflict is inevitable, but what isn’t is our reaction afterwards. Choosing peace afterwards allows for forgiveness to settle in, healing to take hold, and changes to begin. Choosing anger once conflict is over only prolongs the conflict and destroys any chance at the relationship being mended and continued. Additionally, letting go of anger and resentment only leads to inner peace as those feelings may be tearing you up from within.

The next time conflict finds you, instead of resentment, choose peace and allow for inner and outer healing to begin.

Amen.

Common Sense Should Be More Common than It Is

Despite it being our most precious resource, we ignore it for wealth, fame, and power.

Years ago on a school field trip to another country, some of the students attending got themselves into a bit of trouble. While shopping, they decided to steal some merchandise from a local shop. They were caught, of course, and when the chaperones returned to our country, the powers-in-charge grilled them as to how this could have happened.

They were asked about where they were, how they were or were not monitoring the students, etc. They acted as if the chaperones were at fault for the incident, which of course they weren’t. Finally, they were asked one last question: “Did you tell them not to steal?” (I am not making this up.) I suppose they didn’t have a lot of faith in teenage common sense. 

Honestly, I can’t blame them (for the faith, not the insipid question). Teenagers display a wanton amount of bad behavior that does not fall in the boundaries of common sense. Whether it’s self-destructive behavior like cutting class and not studying, or group-destructive behavior, like trashing a classroom or hallway mosh pits, common sense seems instilled in only the select few. 

No one is truly sure where or how common sense is learned. Whether drilled into them when they are young or learned along the way, common sense is usually garnered through lessons, both easy and hard. We all learned not to touch the stove one way or another. Sometimes it takes several repeated mistakes to learn a common sense lesson (just ask people who have gone through multiple marriages), and sometimes it isn’t learned at all despite numerous failures.  

It is especially not common in robotics, as explained by theoretical physicist Dr. Michio Kaku. In his latest book Quantum Supremacy, he explains that common sense is one of the main issues when it comes to AI and robots. Referred to as “the common-sense problem,” the concept is that “things humans take for granted, that even a child can understand, are beyond the capability of our most advanced computers.” For example, he cites that computers may not even understand simple common sense ideas such as: “Water is wet, not dry; mothers are older than their daughters; strings can pull but cannot push, and sticks can push, but cannot pull.” To us, these things are basic, but to a computer, not so much. He explains that robots do not experience the world the way that we do, whereas “children learn these common sense facts because they bump into…things. They learn by doing.” What he and many others have discovered is that there are too many common sense concepts in the world for a computer to comprehend, so maybe it’s the same with us. 

You’ve probably heard a few common sense sayings one place or another. Even the Bible is filled with them, many by King Solomon, one of the wisest people ever.  He writes in Proverbs 10:4 that, “Lazy hands make for poverty, but diligent hands bring wealth.” Seems simple enough, that lazy people tend to not make money but hardworking people do, a mostly true adage. Additionally, he writes that, “The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty” (21.5). Again, seems like a no-brainer, that thought-out plans tend to lead more to success than quickly thrown together ones. 

Yes, these saying are pithy and embody truth, but what exactly is common sense? It is the ability to make a logical, sound, intelligent decision based on the information at hand. It is the ability to make connections and draw conclusions from empirical and experienced data, and better understand one’s environment as a result. Hence, that is why robots have such a difficult time with common sense because they are a programmed creation rather than a learning organism. Could AI eventually develop to the point of having common sense? It’s possible, but it may take a while since there is a great amount of it to learn.

Common sense is at the heart of every successful business, relationship, and life decision. To have common sense is to be a success. Even Solomon, the richest man on earth at the time, knew this:  “How much better to get wisdom than gold, to get insight rather than silver!” (16:16). In 1 Kings 3, when God tells Solomon he could have anything at all, Solomon asks for wisdom rather than power or wealth, because common sense lies at the heart of those accomplishments.

So if common sense is the most valuable commodity on earth, why do we lack it and not seek it out more? Here are the main reasons why:

Emotions – we sometimes let them rule our decision making instead of thinking things through, letting our emotions get the better of us. Thankfully, with some work, this issue can be resolved through reflection and personal correction.

Ignorance – we might lack a full perspective on the situation, not knowing all sides, thus we do not apply proper judgment. Often, this issue can be handled with exploration and patience.

Willingness – we are not as open as we should be, allowing ourselves to be ruled by a single thought or opinion. Perhaps we have been conditioned a certain way, lack the maturity to be willing, or are too fragile to consider other people and their approaches. This may be the most dangerous of the three, as it is most difficult to self-analyze and correct. The best way to help this issue is with the help of others or a professional.

Clearly, common sense is valuable and may not be as prevalent as we might hope. Since we can only change ourselves and not others, whatever it takes to build common sense should be tackled as often as possible. Actively seek it out above anything else. It may be the single most important tool when it comes to achieving happiness and success, so if you find that you are lacking, perhaps you need to build your common sense through a more logical, informed, and willing approach to life. Without common sense, you are nothing more than a robot bumping into the same obstacles repeatedly.

Amen.

Our Triggers Can’t Be Helped: Our Empathy Can

Suffering from life’s annoyances can be debilitating for some: help by learning to understand their struggles.

A great debate has been raging in my marriage bedroom for over twenty-five years, and there is no resolution in sight to it: my nighttime sleeping noises and how much it irks my bride.

It’s not always snoring. Sometimes it’s a brief puffing of air that flutters my lips and some nights it’s a sputtering chainsaw. A light sleeper, my wife is consistently roused from slumber by my respiratory reactions. The issue isn’t so much the decibel as it is my wife’s sensitivity to these noises, so it all bothers her. 

It’s a common struggle in many households. When two people have been living together for an extended amount of time, they are bound to get on each others’ nerves no matter how patient and loving they may be to one another. It’s why a steady stream of new contour pillows and propped-up mattresses enters our equation as one of us tries to help out the other. But what happens when annoyances go further than just nocturnal events?

As couples spend more time together, there are a multitude of sounds that trigger negative responses from the other, natural sounds that for the most part are just a part of living. For example, my wife can’t stand the sounds of me enjoying my food. Whether it’s slurping, licking, or the clinking of metal utensils on ceramic dinnerware, it all makes her blood curl. (What’s a foodie to do?) I try to keep it down, but what happens when it’s also my sneezes, heavy footfalls, tapping, clicking, or just about anything beyond regular breathing?

More than likely, she has a syndrome called misophonia, where the brain is wired differently and these sounds create revulsion, anger, anxiety, or fear. It’s common among many adults, creating monsters out of seemingly ordinary, calm, and rational caring beings. She clearly loves me, and I her, so what do we do to avoid murdering each other? We are told that. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13.4,5). So if we are to survive, I must take the time to understand her better.

What she and others are dealing with is the idea of triggers—the concept that certain situations, sensory inputs, or thought patterns create a reaction that cannot be controlled. And it’s not like people can just will these triggers away. When I chew loudly, I can’t just tell her to “get over it,” because she would if she could. And giving her a “trigger warning” every time I’m about to eat isn’t practical. So the issue isn’t the triggers but in helping our loved ones deal with their triggers.

As has been mentioned many times before, we cannot change others: we can only change the way we react to them. So trying to “cure” each other of our triggers is an impossible and ire-inducing task. In Paul’s letter to the Romans, he expresses to us that a wish for harmony starts with us: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (12.18). He knew that if we were to make change, it starts with ourselves, not others. So how do we approach those who are so triggered by life?

If she were blind, would I blame her for running into things? Would I get annoyed because she couldn’t see colors? Of course not. It would be terrible to do so. So similarly, my reaction to her triggers shouldn’t blame her for something beyond her physical control. Leviticus 19.14 reminds us to “not curse the deaf or put a stumbling block in front of the blind.” In order to live with someone who has these issues, we must choose compassion and find ways that don’t continue to hinder a person with triggers.

According to NashvillePsych.com, we should start by being curious rather than judgmental. In your mind they may be acting irrationally, but in their mind, they have reasons for being the way they are. Learning what their triggers are and what causes them pain and discomfort can help you avoid those situations. Approaching and dealing with them using empathy also relieves you of the burden of blame. Realizing that it is not you that is triggering them leads you to be less reactionary when they are triggered and lash out. It has nothing to do with you: you just happened to be standing there at that time.

Once listened to, you can then start to enforce boundaries with them. Letting them know that you are willing to help and what you are willing to do not only prevents them from walking all over you, but it makes them feel secure in knowing what they have to endure. That approach leads you to help them relax and cope with their emotions. Knowing what triggers them may help you provide them with situations that soothe them, moments with pleasant sensory sounds, smells, and feelings. 

We cannot fix our mates and loved ones, but we can approach them with love and empathy. 

When Paul wrote to the Colossians, he gave them several commands, but there was one that covered the others: “And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (3.14). When dealing with a person who is sensitive to many elements of this world, remember to handle them not with judgment or annoyance but with love. Loving others and showing compassion despite their issues starts with you, and without you, those relationships will never develop beyond its annoyances.

Amen.

Photo courtesy jessicasummershypnogenics.com

Getting Rejected Can Be Better than Finding Acceptance

Ruling out the opportunity for rejection avoids failure, but that doesn’t make you a success.

My son decided to try out for the freshman basketball team. With some context, you’ll see why this statement carries a lot of meaning. 

His whole life, he has never participated in team sports. He excelled in individual sports like Taekwondo (3rd degree black belt), kickboxing, and golf. He’s never been coached by a team coach, never been on a team, and more importantly, never played basketball except in his driveway and on his PlayStation video game system. So that he suddenly caught basketball fever and wanted to join the NBA is great: but there are some key fundamentals that need to be locked down before any success can be achieved.

As you might have guessed, when he tried out, he did not make the team. He had probably more heart than most or all prospective players, but desire wasn’t enough to secure him a spot.

His hubris and excitement probably came from the fact that he’s never failed at anything in his life. Things usually come to him pretty easily if he’s willing to put in the work. Whenever he puts his mind to something, he (almost) always succeeds. So it was a bit of a shock that after four days of tryouts, he did not make the team.

For most, that would have been the end of that dream. My wife and I held our collective breath to see if he would lose interest in basketball, something we were hoping he wouldn’t, as we could see the joy it brought to him and his friends (some of which made the team, complicating the matter). Most of his clothing is basketball themed (expensive shoes, Nike shirts, headbands, etc.), so we were keeping our fingers crossed that he’d stick with it. 

A couple of rough days went by where we helped him deal with the disappointment, but thankfully, he made it through and stuck with it. Now that he was not on the team, what would be his next step? The author of Proverbs lets us know that, “For though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again, but the wicked stumble when calamity strikes.” He chose to get back up again and use this time to reevaluate his approach. 

It’s easy to get discouraged when failure comes our way. We want to call it all off when we sometimes hit a speedbump, yet what is even more significant is not how we fall but how we rise from that fall. And something that we don’t focus on enough is the good that rejection can do for us, because if we don’t experience it, we won’t know how to deal with it.

I mentioned to my wife that our son could probably use a little rejection in his life as he’s never really experienced it. As mentioned, he’s been successful in everything he’s ever done. So that he has learned to deal with rejection helps him not only when he faces it in the future, but it allows him to not be risk averse with future opportunities. 

When I was in high school, I followed a similar path of success that he did, so I never really experienced rejection. As a result, I found that for years I was afraid of rejection and would play it safe when I could. There were one or two girls that I never asked out because I was afraid of what they would say. When it came to college, I had a dream school that I never applied to because I didn’t want to face disappointment. I developed a deep-seeded need to succeed that would cut any corner to make sure that I never faced rejection. 

From that fear of rejection grew my fear of confrontation, so instead of stating an issue I had with someone, I would passive aggressively point out flaws using humor as a shield instead of just saying what was really bothering me. In relationships, I would never have the courage to break up and initiate rejection, so I would sabotage it to the point where they would break up with me. 

Yet rejection has a multitude of benefits once you get past the initial failure. Romans 5.3-4 tells us that we “glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” Rejection gives us a chance to motivate us to do better and have patience for the things we want. It opens up different paths to goals we might not have seen earlier. With basketball, my son decided to get mentored by a skills coach. Despite that this class’s participants were a few years younger (and inches shorter than) him, he humbled himself and developed skills under that tutelage. He dutifully showed up weekly for classes and became a better player and learned to play with a team. This week, he is trying out for a local traveling team, something we didn’t even know existed until we explored options after not making the freshman team. I don’t know if he’s guaranteed a spot there, but I know he’s got a much better chance than last time.

It took me years to get somewhat over the fear of rejection, as it still lingers because I am so focused on success instead of allowing for rejection and the benefits that come from it. For me, had I taken the initiative with those romantic interests and college choices, I might not have succeeded, but at least I’d know how I’d fared and wouldn’t be so afraid of future rejection. Now, I’ll never know because I didn’t try. I might not be able to go back and take those risks, but I can live differently and not repeat my mistakes by taking more chances now where rejection is a possibility.

Rejection allows us to reevaluate our efforts and approaches and gives us the answers we seek, even if we’re not happy with the answer. It allows us a chance to reexamine our goals, giving us the opportunity to change. Once faced with rejection, should we choose these options, growth is the only possible outcome. This week, don’t be afraid and end up running away from rejection. Allow it to be a part of your life by not letting it control you. You can never be a failure if you are willing to face rejection.

Amen.

Problems in Your Front-View Mirror are Larger than They Appear

Most issues seem enormous in the present, but looking back, aren’t as bad as they first seemed.

When I looked back at my son’s childhood in photos and videos last week (as written about here), I watched a very happy, creative, and energetic kid develop into a wonderful teenager. Know what I didn’t see? All of the worries and problems that we thought were so bad or important at the time that turned out to be nothing.

When my son was a few months old, the doctor began expressing concerns about the size of my son’s head. When measuring it, he found that where his body was around the 75th percentile in terms of other kids his age, his head was above the 90th percentile. Our doctor suggested that we needed to do lots of tests to see if my son was going to experience any developmental delays or would develop autism. Needless to say, for any parent, especially new ones, this news caused an extreme amount of stress for both of us. Long story short: we ended up switching doctors after some initial tests and it turned out to be nothing. My son just comes from a long line of big-headed people.

We were also worried about his entrance into kindergarten, as he was younger than most in age but not in mental development. (In your face, previous pediatrician!) Filled with worry and dread, we put him in anyway but kept him there for two years so that he would be with people his own age. Again, something we thought was such a huge issue at the time was really nothing in the long run, as he turned out really well-adjusted and currently excels in all his classes. And the list goes on…whether it was a concern about reading, skin care, haircuts (or lack thereof), whatever. None of it mattered. It seemed so important, too.

It’s not just me either. I spoke with a friend who has two little kids, one of whom is a newborn, and she regaled me with stories about how the older one seems to be having trouble adjusting to having another child in the house. My message to her was that after reasonably addressing it, to know that these things work themselves out with few if any long term ramifications. Most problems are not as big a deal as we think they are.

It’s tough to adopt that mentality because when faced with a problem, we never know just how indicative it is of a larger issue. We don’t want to dismiss the problem for fear that our neglect will bring upon complications, hence why “an ounce of prevention is with a pound of cure” is a thing. So to help us through our problems, it shouldn’t be about ignoring them but about learning to handle them with a reasonable amount of grace.

First, the key to approaching our problems is to know that they are handled more easily than they seem. In a letter to the Hebrews, the author reminds us that “God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’ So we say with confidence, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?’” (13.5-6). If we can keep it in the forefront of our mind that we are never abandoned when problems arise, then we can lessen our stress about how much of a problem the issue is. 

Additionally, if we can remember that what we are going through is not uncommon, that many before us have had our problems, we might not feel so lost, alone, and helpless. In Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians he writes that, “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it” (10.13). Our problems seem so overwhelming because we think there is no way past them, but this verse reminds us that all our problems are common and finite. If we keep them in perspective by reminding ourselves that we are not alone and that problems don’t last forever, we can minimize the stress that so damages our psyche.

Similarly, we often make problems out of things that really aren’t, putting all of our efforts into fixing something that was fine on its own. I have a student who, in talking to her about her college essay, wrote about how she was very self-conscious about the size and arch of her nose. When she looked in the mirror, it was all she saw, angrily staring right back at her. To alleviate her issue, she had a rhinoplasty operation but didn’t tell anyone, and was very happy with the results. When she returned to school with her new nose, she proudly walked through the hallways with it, but no one noticed. When she pointed it out, people said they kind of saw a difference, but were mostly being polite. We all have that one thing about us that we wish we could physically change, but the truth is that no one notices it as an issue except us. These reactions made her realize that some issues are all in our heads, that they are only problems to ourselves. 

It’s easy to get caught up in our problems when they come at us because they seem so large and overwhelming in the beginning, but with a shift in initial mindset, we can reframe our problems and see them through a lens that shows just how small they are. This week, when your problems creep into your life and mind, remember that they aren’t as big as you think they are. They only seem huge because you have lost sight that God is with you throughout them. He started something great in you and isn’t about to abandon those plans. Remember: you are not alone, you aren’t going to be saddled with problems forever, and God is not done with you. Remembering those things will keep stress at bay and help you deal with life reasonably.

Amen.

Tantrum Time Is No Time to Get Involved

Losing your mind is not conducive for a discussion.

A few years ago, I was enjoying a week in the tropical and serene Turks and Caicos Islands, taking in some much-desired rest and relaxation. I was staying at a resort, so there was no reason to leave the gorgeous surroundings of the area. Nothing to do all week long but rest, swim, snorkel, and people watch.

I was keeping my observations judgment free—just taking in my surroundings. I’d also focused my people watching to a very specific group of people: children. I find them fascinating, but only under a specific circumstance: when they are absolutely losing their minds.

Since this vacation was at a family resort, there were no shortages of families, and thus, no shortages of small children. Change up some well-worn routines, and you have a recipe for toddler temper tantrums and unleashed adolescent anger. Beforehand, while at customs, we watched a family with five children battle their way through a very long line and with each other, past every velvet rope of that government agency. Two of their children (twin girls) would not stop pushing each other’s buttons, teasing and verbally poking at each other just because they didn’t want to be there. The exasperated parents spoke to them several times, attempting to separate them in the limited space they had. I mentioned to the parents that we’ve all been there, so we all understand. They mentioned to me that they had only planned on having three kids.

Later at the resort, to my enjoyment, I watched a three-year-old have a mental breakdown at the pool. His parents lovingly bought him a swimming outfit consisting of a bathing suit and a rash guard t-shirt. He didn’t want to wear either and instead wanted to wear his superhero pajamas into the pool. He threw a fit, so his parents gave up and let him wear his pajamas. After a few minutes of swimming, he lost his mind about how his pajamas were wet. He then demanded his new swimming outfit, immediately. His parents let him know (calmly) that they needed to go back to the room and change him into them, so he needed to dry off before going back. Unhappy with that course of action (he wanted the swimsuit now, remember?), he pulled his pajama shirt off, swung it wildly, tried to rip it, then tried to bite it in half, yelled at his parents about how much he disliked them, and stomped around the edge of the pool with a stuck-out bottom lip.

To her credit, his mother refused to engage him in this misbehavior, letting him know that when he was willing to talk calmly, she would address him—the proper way to parent, imho. If she were to give him the swimsuit after such horrible behavior, it would condone his tantrum and reward the outburst. So, she let the tantrum play itself out. Dad, on the other hand, halfway through the tantrum, broke his steely united front with mom and started to engage. I could see mom telling dad to leave the boy alone, but dad insisted on trying to alter the child’s behavior himself. As such, dad’s intervention escalated the situation, as the boy threw himself into a chair, yelled at dad, and scratched dad’s arm up.

After a bit more bluster, the two went to the room, and the boy returned in the swimming outfit. He calmly approached mom, and I heard a “sorry mommy” from him, to which mom suddenly became animated and loving, letting the child know how much she appreciated this excellent attitude and behavior. Dad seemed exasperated but also grateful.

Although thoroughly amused by the situation (because it’s not my kid), the parallels between how this small child acted to his parents reminded me of the complex relationship we have with God. Often, we are that petulant child, screaming at Him about how unfair a situation is, how He isn’t doing anything about it, or how He isn’t listening to us. The Psalms are filled with these rants, where the author writes about struggles he’s having where God is seemingly doing nothing. “How long, O Lord, will you look on and do nothing? Rescue me from their fierce attacks. Protect my life from these lions! Then I will thank you in front of the great assembly. I will praise you before all the people” (35:17-18). This verse is indicative of the amount of tantrum-throwing, anger, depression, and bargaining going on in the Psalms and draws a strong connection between the psalmist’s laments and the small child’s outbursts.

And God’s response to the Psalmist? Almost always silence. Like the mother, God seemingly doesn’t engage when we are throwing a tantrum. Perhaps because if He were to get involved (as the father did), it would just prolong and complicate the situation. When a child is that unreasonable and angry, it’s best to just let him or her work out the situation on his or her own. So, maybe God is sometimes letting us work out our anger before He gets involved.

In the book of Job, everything is taken away from the titular character in the first two chapters. Job then spends the next 36 chapters yelling and complaining with his friends about his situation with no response from God. It isn’t until Job is finished with his tirade that God finally says something, which is probably why God almost never responds when we are in the middle of our emotional explosions: He’s waiting for us to finish. With this knowledge, we need to take a deep breath in the middle of our tantrums, enact some patience, and wait for His response. It will come, but not when we are acting that way.

This week, when you find yourself angry with God, let it play itself out. It’s okay to be angry, but don’t get angry and expect Him to get involved. He most likely won’t until your anger has ebbed. He’s not a servant to be brought forth when needed; He’s our heavenly Father. Our role isn’t to conjure him like a genie and demand He do something: He lovingly responds to our needs in His time, not ours. To intervene while we are angry would defeat the purpose of the relationship, as we rely on Him for love, comfort, and stability. And when you are finally calmed down, listen and wait, as that’s when you’ll see His intervention.

Amen.

Photo courtesy WorkingMother.com

Letting Go of the Glamour and Being Rewarded with Substance

The big rewards in life don’t come in trophy, certificate, or obelisk form.

The night beforehand was the big storm.

At our beach house, we usually see at least one giant storm per summer vacation, where the winds howl, the skies light up, and the rain comes down in torrents. They usually last for quite a bit, too, so the show is a real attention getter. And the results of the storm are stupendous, as the streets usually flood up to our knees. We love to wade through the sidewalk puddles and watch the entire town come to a halt as a result of nature’s fury.

And with the storm comes a churning of tides at the shoreline. The next day is always a treat at the beach with several treasures turning up for our discovery. We are lucky in the fact that our shoreline brings in a lot of shells with the tides, but after a big storm the more unique ones come. Where we usually find half-oysters and broken mussel shells, we now find full clam shells, large snail shells, the occasional horseshoe crab, and lots of sizable glittery treasures. It’s a great allegory for how the strongest struggles and fiercest fights in life can produce the most beautiful of results. A real iron-sharpens-iron kind of moment.

Yet what we found most fascinating on that beach wasn’t the huge treasures that were being washed up. Yes, they were amazing, but where most would collect those on the beach shoreline and move on, we looked past what was most obvious and alluring, on to the less noticeable.

Wading out a few feet, after a wave would pass, we’d dip our hands into the swirling sands and grab huge handfuls of whatever we could find down there, not sure as to what we were going to bring up. Then, we’d sort through what we were holding, and those treasures were some of the most unique we’d found. The brilliant shimmering colors of small rocks and shells that we’d never seen before, the tiniest of perfectly formed sand dollars, small crawly creatures, and shells that were so translucent that they were practically invisible. Had we gone solely for the big rewards that were visible on the dry sand, we would have missed out on the tiny treasures that were even more unique and perfectly formed, ones that made us truly appreciate the majesty of the deep.

I used to teach with a colleague who, throughout his career, touted the number of awards and accolades he received from various institutions and organizations. In his classroom, he had a shelf for many of these awards, which included a crystal obelisk with his name on it. He was always being praised for his innovative curriculum and approaches to his classes, and he always got the big rewards. However, his students never liked his teaching or his class. They would consistently complain about how out of touch he was with them, how they never learned anything, and how cold his demeanor was. He was so focused on the big rewards of his profession that he missed out on the smaller treasures which included changing the lives of his students and making them better people.

Similarly, I’ve noticed that the best teachers I’ve worked with are almost never publicly acknowledged for their work, and they never will be. Yet those are the teachers whom students point to when citing their main influences in life. Those teachers are not distracted by the big rewards and accolades and instead look for the smaller, less showy ones like student connections, because to them the plaques and obelisks aren’t important. Student successes are the rewards. Sure, it’s not as glamorous, but it’s much more substantial and meaningful.

We get distracted by the flash and glitter of high-profile success, quantifying it as being wealthy and famous, but we forget about the smaller rewards like good character and kindness.  In Christ’s Sermon on the Mount, when discussing prayer, fasting, and giving to the needy, He says: “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.” (Matthew 6.19-20). This section not only references a shift from earthly to heavenly wealth, but it also points to our motivations during these actions. He cites not just their importance but also how we should do them privately, something He mentions earlier in the chapter (v. 4 “your giving [should] be in secret”, v. 6 “when you pray, go into your room, close the door”, and v. 17-18 “put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious…that you are fasting.”) When we do them publicly, the acknowledgement is the reward, not the investment.

Should we be giving, praying, and fasting for how good it makes us look as Christians? That’s an obvious no, of course. But how many of us do those things for how we hope it will make us feel as a result? When we pray, we usually do so to lift our spirits. When we give, it’s to feel good because we are caring for someone else. And when we fast, it’s so that we can feel closer to God. All these rewards are based on how it will make us feel better and more faithful. But what if we were to pray, fast, and give not to feel good but because it would benefit someone else? What if we focused not on the obvious rewards we get from these activities but instead looked beyond and towards those that don’t acknowledge our efforts? What if you did these things and no one noticed that it was you doing them? Although those rewards aren’t quite as glamorous, they are the more substantial ones, those that influence others to respond in kind and build a better, less-selfish world. 

It’s a big shift in mindset, but it’s one that looks past the obvious, glitzy rewards and trophies offered and towards the selfless rewards that benefit others. This week, work towards rejecting the apparent rewards in life and look beyond what most people will grab for. Seek the less obvious, more selfless results, ones that won’t come back to you and might require some sacrifice in earthly recognition. Look past the obvious rewards, and you will find the more unique, beautiful, substantial ones that may not come with fanfare but will be made of sterner stuff, reflecting the true beauty of God’s creation, heading towards a world of substance.

Amen.