When Stalemate Fights Develop into Relationship Standoffs

Win or lose, it’s a bloodbath. Try hearing instead.

A whistle in the distance…a rolling tumbleweed…squinty eyes…itchy trigger fingers. Looks like we’ve got an old-fashioned standoff! Yeehaw!

My wife said to me the other day that she and I don’t have many actual fights in our relationship but rather we have a variety of standoffs, where each person has his or her own ideas and won’t budge on them. We are two alphas constantly butting heads and refusing to back down.

Hearing those words made me rethink a lot of how we approach each other in conflict. It reframed our disagreements for me, seeing them not as people angry at each other but as individuals strategizing to be heard. It also made me realize that in every fight we have, there is a potential winner and loser, and even when you win, you lose.

Our most recent standoff? We have had a long-standing one in our relationship. The proverbial thorn in our side, where we have each stood our ground firmly and refused to concede.

Apple vs. Samsung.

I have been a die-hard Apple user since iPhone 3. In it for the long haul, I love my iPhone and get a new one every year. It is everything I’ve ever wanted and more. Years ago, my wife dug in her heels with Samsung and only conceded this year when our son switched over to iPhone. (His friends all have one and she wanted to be able to stay in close contact with him—the two opposing services don’t communicate well with each other otherwise.) 

Since then, she has kicked and screamed about her iPhone because it doesn’t do what she wants it to do. So the other night, when she had trouble with it connecting to her car, that standoff came center stage. 

It began as most fights and standoffs do, with an expression of frustration. I tried just listening, but after a few minutes, she didn’t feel heard. (Even though one can be in listening mode, that doesn’t mean the other person feels heard.) You see, she wanted some concession from the lot of us iPhone users, where we would break out of our collective “cult-craze zombie-like acceptance” (her words)  and see the light that Samsung is better.

Now, this all seems silly written down, but remember that standoffs aren’t always about the issue. Often, as I’ve mentioned before, they are about the history between the two parties. When a couple disagrees, it’s about all the other things that the other person has ever done. So, to help recontextualize the stalemate, it’s important to see the other person not as an aggressor but as someone who feels unappreciated. According to relationship therapist Esther Perel, fights bring susceptibilities to the surface and are frequently difficult to solve because both involved parties misunderstand what is at the root of the problem: hurt and vulnerability. Because of this misunderstanding, couples end up having the same fight over and over because each feels vulnerable and not heard. To truly win the argument, couples need to take steps to break the loop. 

The first step is to recontextualize it not as a fight to be won: there is no right or wrong side. The goal is then shifted away from winning and moves towards understanding where the other person is coming from. It becomes much more productive that way as each person starts to retract their alpha horns and back off. In John 13, Christ takes all of the rules of life and boils it down to this: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another” (34-35). Putting love first and winning last achieves this goal.

In addition, don’t try to make your partner see your perspective, as that also creates a push and pull scenario between the two of you. Instead, shift your goals towards understanding the other person’s perspective by examining feelings and experiences. Remember, there is a difference between listening and hearing. I tend to listen, which means I get quiet during a fight. Unfortunately that is perceived as a dismissal, where the other person thinks you are shutting down. Instead, actively listen, where you ask questions that help to shed light on areas that your partner feels you are in the dark about. It’s hard, but Ephesians 4 asks us to “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (2-3). Letting them know that you are actively listening paves a path of love for the both of you to travel together. 

And if you are on the other side and are the one coming in hot with the argument, avoid accusations and judgments on the other person. Frame your issues with how you are feeling and why you feel defensive about an issue. Explaining that you feel attacked rather than accusing the other person of attacking you puts emotions at the center and allows for empathy. Ephesians asks that we “walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (5:2). Avoiding an attack by focusing on how you feel rather than what the other person did allows for that walk. Seeking to find common ground and relating to each other’s feelings also models that love for the other person, and sometimes even persuades them to act likewise. For us, we might still disagree about our phones, but at least we are understanding each other’s emotions and aren’t in a stalemate.

Roaming the romantic wild west and coming across the occasional relationship standoff is a given. Good couples fight, and when they do, it can often lead down the wrong path. Be sure to set that path straight not by framing your argument about who’s right or wrong or how much the other person hurt you, but instead by developing it around your vulnerabilities, the emotions the issue evoked, and how you want to understand the other person’s point of view. In a stalemate, no one wins, but in a relationship framed with empathy, everyone does.

Amen.

Know Thy Stressed Self and Put the Pieces Back Together

Being able to identify stress when it happens allows you to move forward and adjust accordingly.

Sure, Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, filled with joy, giving, holiday spirit, and tradition. But it’s also one of the most stressful times of the year, where long lines, holiday traffic, travel, and last minute shopping can dominate the landscape. (I fondly recall one particular pre-dawn shopping spree involving mass rushes for electronics that resulted in my hand getting crushed in a door being shoved by aggressively bargain-happy teenage girls.)

Being that kind of season, I asked the class today, how do you know when you are stressed? Their answers were surprising.

There were many who suffered physical symptoms. A few claimed to break out into hives, sometimes on very specific parts of their bodies. Others said that they resort to nail chewing, sweating, and excessive chest tightness. One even claimed that when she’s stressed her brain feels heavy. Others cited the raging desires that arise within: uncontrollable crying, need for sleep, and overeating. (One was eating while giving me this answer, whereas she said that, indeed yes, she was currently stressed.)

But if it can cause a physical reaction, what exactly is stress? According to the National Institute of Mental Health, stress is “the brain and the body’s response to change, challenge, or demand.” Chemically speaking, there is a physical influx of hormones which is the body’s defense mechanism against danger or harm, and as a result, people’s reactions to those hormones manifest themselves in not just physical but also mental and emotional ways.

Many of those tell-tale signs manifest themselves with an irritability when stressed, that those afflicted people are frequently short on patience and tend to lash out at those around them. As my students agree, stressed people have difficulty focusing on a single task. Their minds are all over the place, and they frequently avoid the tasks at hand by taking on other menial tasks.

Which brings me to this point right now in my day: late at night on a Monday writing something that I should have started much sooner. Stress turns me into a procrastinator.

You see, stress-wise, Mondays for me are the worst. They are jam-packed with meetings, student check-ins, email deluges, weeklong lesson planning, after-school activities, weekend grading, laundry, exercise, and garbage (pick-up is on Tuesdays). I try so hard to reassign these tasks to other days, but nothing works. I dread the demands of my Mondays, and thus I fall into that stress group that is task-averse and avoidance-filled. Hence, I’ve been putting off writing this until the last minute.

Additionally, I’ve also noticed that when I’m stressed, my patience is in short supply. To compensate, I tend to avoid situations where they may be tested. I make my meetings and check-ins to-the-point rather than dragged out, as I know I won’t function well under stretched out meetings. (I also noticed that when I’m stressed, I get super annoyed at people and think that everyone is stupid and wrong in everything they do.)

Yet when I can step outside of myself and identify that I am in fact stressed at that moment, I begin to contextualize my feelings and know that the rest of the world isn’t at fault: it’s probably me. So, I take a breath and avoid too much human interaction. Rather than getting down on my behavior and mental state, knowing who I am and what my limitations are makes me work through my weaknesses and become a better, more productive person as a result.

What is key is the ability to recognize the stress signs for your own self, as that awareness leads to decreased stress and more favorable outcomes. Given that I recognize my Monday mania, I am fully aware of who I become on those days, as I’ve made it a priority to be mindful of who I am when stressed. Knowing my manifestations of stress allows me to adjust accordingly.

Inscribed at the entrance of the Temple of Apollo at Delphi, site of the sacred oracle, are the words “Γνῶθι σαυτόν” (pronounced “Gnothi Seauton”) or “Know Thyself.” A major tenet in Ancient Greek philosophy, the concept was taught by Socrates which asked that individuals be introspective and reflective, searching within oneself for knowledge of who one is. If one is to grow in life, one must “know thyself” in order to pursue wisdom. Even the apostles drew from this concept, as in Paul’s letter to the Colossians, he encourages the members of the church to “Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test?” (13.5). Like the benefits that come with being aware of our own stress and emotions, when the apostles look inward and become aware of the strengths (or lack thereof) with their faith, they can then move out into the world and interact with others in a way that is good and pleasing.

Knowing thyself is the key to mindfulness, too. We are asked to be mindful of who we are and what we are feeling in that particular moment. Being able to search internally and recognize what emotion you are feeling is a great skill as you can then move forward accordingly, finding the most productive and happy path for you. Galatians 6:4-5 asks that “Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load.” Learning to be mindful and emotionally self-aware is a personal responsibility, a task that should be carried by the individual, as when we don’t, we put our negative emotions upon others and become a burden.

The next time you sense yourself becoming stressed, look for how you react to it. Know your emotions and your reactions. Once you learn to observe and recognize the signs, you are then ready to take mindful steps to work accordingly and adjust yourself with mindful actions like breathing, acceptance for yourself and others, and compassion for those in distress. Knowing thyself brings us closer to who God intended for us to grow and become, and by being aware of the manifestations of stress in our life, we can become stronger in our faith and in our worldly interactions without biting the heads off of those around us.

Amen.

Are Your Conversations Lifeless and One-Sided?

When we talk, we don’t ask enough questions and those we ask are the wrong kinds.

With Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks in sight, the next group of people I assume I’ll be running into are the returning students, those who graduated and are now back to tell their tales.

They start showing up in the building somewhat suddenly, wide-eyed and roaming the halls, wondering why this place seems so strange to them. I love chatting about their new experiences, but I know that I am just one person in a long line of people they want to visit, so it’s important that I make my time count. 

Eschewing the usual questions like “what classes did you take?” and “how was your semester?,” I tend to go for more pointed questions. The trick is to get them talking, so an approach that requires a prepared answer just won’t do. If I really want to learn something, I have to ask the right questions.

“How were you surprised by your experiences at college?”

That gets them thinking and responding in a meaningful way, which is my goal. I’ve learned many lessons from these conversations and not just about college life but about humanity and relationships. My thought is that If our lives are filled with chance encounters, why not make them count with some meaningful dialogue?

According to the New York Times article The Essential Skills for Being Human by David Brooks, around 30% of people are good question askers. “The rest are nice people, but they just don’t ask. I think it’s because they haven’t been taught to and so don’t display basic curiosity about others.” He feels that a large majority of people feel unseen and unheard because in conversation, they are not acknowledged and thus feel invisible. The other night, I ran into someone I hadn’t seen in over a year. We chatted for a few minutes, but everything was about him: what he’s been doing, what he thinks, how he has been feeling lately. Not once did he ask me a question. He’s a nice enough guy; he’s just a little wrapped up in himself. 

The majority of people seem to fall into that same category: nice people who don’t know how to respect and understand others in conversation. Just because they got their points across, said what they wanted to, and felt a connection, that doesn’t mean that a connection was made. Both parties need to feel it for there to be a connection. If we don’t take others’ needs into account, then nothing is built between people.

It is through conversation that connection is made, when the speaking and listening needs of both parties are met. In Paul and Timothy’s letter to the Colossians, they encourage the readers to, “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone” (4:6). The key to good dialogue is flavor, and by learning to season your words with the right elements that not only create meaningful conversation but also allow each person to be heard will be what leads to a connection and consequently the building of community.

In Brooks’ article, he identifies two types of people in any given conversation: the Diminisher and the IIlluminator. “Diminishers are so into themselves, they make others feel insignificant. They stereotype and label.” They dominate the conversation and only look to see what they can get out of it, dismissing the other party in the process. Illuminators are curious about others and look to understand them. “They know how to ask the right questions at the right times — so that they can see things, at least a bit, from another’s point of view.” They make people feel noticed and lifted up. They embody Proverbs 25:11 which says that, “a word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.” And the way to do that in conversation, is to draw their story out of them.

Instead of asking questions that can be answered in a word or two, or with a pat answer, ask questions that require reflection. Don’t ask questions that start with “what” which requires a quick response, but instead ask “how” which transforms the answer into a story with events and steps. Having them “storify” their answer gets people talking about their lives, beliefs, families, and the journey of how they got to a specific point. That line of questioning allows for curiosity on your part and elaboration on theirs. It helps us to learn something about others and ourselves. 

Then, utilize the concept of follow-up questions. Ask for details and specifics, having them paint a word picture. Additional questions about the minutiae lead the speaker’s thoughts back into the situation, forcing a revisit that leads to a more full story. Your requests for additional details illuminate the speaker and bring light to that person’s issues, a place where some might have felt unheard. In similar fashion to God’s words to Isaiah, who said, “I will lead the blind…I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth” (42:16), through illumination, we can make people feel comfortable in sharing their stories with us. 

Conversations are often not about the words being spoken but the emotions behind them. What it comes down to is for you to decide what emotion you want driving your conversations. For many, they allow fear to drive conversation, where words are used to diminish the other person and push others into submission and subservience. Then, the conversation is not about curiosity but about social dominance. But if approached with curiosity and respect, we give the gift of recognition to the speaker, acknowledging storified efforts as noteworthy and admirable. We lift the other up and put the speaker’s needs first, and we in turn grow from the sharing of stories. 

This week, relinquish the wheel in conversation more often than not and give control to others in allowing their stories to grow and connect with others, bringing curiosity to both parties. Give them the gift of attention, and you will see that relationship strengthen and grow as you benefit from their wisdom.

Amen.

Insisting on Being Right Isn’t Really Nice

You may technically be correct, but citing that won’t build any bridges.

Whenever we travel anywhere, my wife does the driving. It’s just easier that way, as she gets bored as a passenger and I enjoy just sitting. (Also, she’s a little critical of my driving, so there’s that.)

On our last long distance trip, we needed whatever time we could get, so I rerouted us through the city, cutting off around 20 minutes of driving. She isn’t crazy about driving through the city, and the last time I sprung that on her, it was just before we left. That approach heightened her stress level but ultimately DID cut off a significant amount of time. So this time, I thought ahead and warned her the previous night. (Score one for me and my listening abilities!)

When we left the next morning, I reminded her that we were going through the city. That’s when her stress level hit the roof because she had forgotten what I said. She got angry, but I was ready with facts! 

Last time, she told me that if we were going that route, that I should let her know ahead of time. (Check.) She told me that it doesn’t cut off enough time, but I let her know that last time it actually did and that she just didn’t remember. (Check.) She explained that she had forgotten, so I mentioned that her memory isn’t my fault. (Triple check!) I was totally right and justified! I had won the argument! I let her know that I had done everything right this time and that her feelings were wrong.

So why was she still angry and yelling? Didn’t she know that I was right?

In twenty-six years of marriage, I’ve learned, or perhaps not, that being right isn’t always the right way to approach a conflict. Just because I am in the logical right and that I’ve got facts on my side, it doesn’t mean that I’ve won the argument, as evidenced by her reaction. Although I was right, I wasn’t kind, which is more important than being right. Being kind allows for others’ feelings and needs, but being right ignores them.

Ironically enough, a few hours later, an unfortunate squabble with extended family erupted that resulted in a major rift.  We had expressed our needs and were turned down as a result, so we had no choice but to leave early. It was a bad convergence of conflicting desires, and we left saddened, disappointed, and deeply hurt because of other people’s decisions.

The next day, I called the offending party to bury the hatchet. Family is forever, so there we shouldn’t maintain resentment. I mentioned that there was no point assigning blame and identifying who caused what issue, so we should just move on and be nice to one another from here on out.

I then got a taste of my own medicine, as the party went on to prove to me that he had done nothing wrong. His facts trumped my feelings, so clearly I was wrong for feeling the way I was feeling. And you know what? Having facts stuffed down my throat isn’t great on the receiving end.

It gave me a great deal of insight as to how much more important being kind is over being right. What drives our need to be right is our insecurity about how others see us, so if we can centralize others and see them as opportunities for kindness rather than personal validation, we can fundamentally shift our approach and the world.

As a prime example of kindness over the need to be right, the father of the Prodigal Son shows that grace best.

In Luke 10, Jesus tells a story about a man with two sons, where the younger one asks for his inheritance early. The father divides it up, and the youngest leaves. “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need” (13-14). He decides to return home and asks to be a servant in his father’s house. What he doesn’t expect is his father’s reaction: “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him” (20). He clothes him in nice robes, feeds him, and throws a party to celebrate his return. 

What we should look at is not how the father reacts but how he could have reacted. He was within his right to say to his son, “I told you so” and lecture him about everything he did right and the son did wrong. But instead, the father chose kindness despite the fact that he wasn’t required to. His response was laced with love rather than self-righteousness, even though he was within his right to prove to the son why he was right.

The older son represents the callous response the world often has. When he returned from working hard in the field, he heard the partying and did not think that his brother’s return warranted said kindness: “The older brother became angry and refused to go in…He answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’” (28-30). Technically, the older brother is legally right in his assessments, but that doesn’t make his responses morally right. He should have responded in kindness as nothing good comes of his harsh response; as for the father, nothing but goodness came as a result of his kindness.

In conflict, our knee jerk response may be to justify ourselves and explain how we did everything right in an attempt to validate our actions, but If we take a breath and shift our response to other’s needs, we see that the latter response helps while the former one hurts the relationship. Kindness clearly builds relationships while justification tears them down. This week, offer kindness where there should be judgment and love where there could be blame. Building relationships rather than tearing them down fosters love and forgiveness where harshness and righteousness fester. Yes, you might be in the right, but you’ll end up alone in being right.

Amen.

Delusional Thoughts: The Narrative is All in Your Head

The stories we tell ourselves only lead to the damage we inflict on our relationships.

As I lay there in bed staring at the ceiling, my wife lay next to me, her mind all a flutter.

I hadn’t said anything in awhile, so her mind started to spin, wondering why I wasn’t speaking to her. She thought about how I might be mad and could be giving her the silent treatment. She ran through all the words she’d said to me in the past day in an attempt to figure out where she had gone wrong or what had set me off. Was it the questions about my day? Were they badgering? Did I feel pressured about the house and its finances because of her? She kept ruminating, attempting to come to an answer in her head. Maybe she didn’t give me enough attention and I was feeling ignored? Finally she asked me what the matter was.

“I was wondering whether cheddar cheese or colby melts better with nachos.”

There are a variety of names for what she was going through including “unconscious storytelling,” “false internal narratives,” and “the story I’m telling myself right now.” It’s a relationship-sabotaging practice where one member creates a story in their head when they are unclear about what the other person is thinking or feeling, and more often than not, they come to the wrong conclusions.

Based on assumptions, this mental malpractice is a real argument escalator. If you’ve ever been in a relationship, you know that the real killer is not the big issues but the small ones that slowly chip away at each other’s romantic feelings. It’s the fights about who left what in the hamper, why the toothpaste was not replaced, or who is doing more housework than the other. Yet oftentimes these spats are not grounded in reality but in the stories we tell ourselves about the other person.

For example, the other day I left a plastic milk carton in the sink. When my wife came home and saw it, the story she told herself was that I am immensely entitled and feel that I don’t deserve to do work around the house because she’ll do it for me. She also began to feel that I look down on her, which made her feel small and insecure. That was the story she told herself; the truth was that I put it in the sink in the morning when I was half asleep and forgot that it was there. There was no intended malice or harm, but the story she told herself developed resentment which manifested itself in an argument. 

If Ephesians 4:29 tells us to, “not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen,” then we need to take steps to break this destructive loop.

1) Calm down and point out the obvious, what you know for sure

Open communication is the most helpful part in resolving perceived slights, but the first thing needing to be done is take the anger out of the situation. Take a moment to breathe, calming yourself down first. It is encouraged that, “whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly” (Proverbs 14:29). Don’t hobble good communication with aggressive emotion. When you are ready, tell the other person what it is you are seeing. Keep it brief, or the other person will start to feel blame immediately. 

2) Tell them the story from your mind

Relay the story you told yourself in your head. Frequently, when you verbalize what you made up to yourself, you’ll start to see just how ridiculous it was, which may break the ice between you two with a good laugh. Phrasing it as such, that you made it up, also takes the blame off the other person and helps you get at the real root of what’s happening.

3) Explain how you were feeling

Labeling what it is you are feeling gets to what’s really at stake. Often, when my wife and I fight, I have to ask myself: “what is this fight really about?” It’s never about the laundry, money, or groceries, and is usually rooted in fear, hurt, or anger. Seeing the other person for the way they feel creates vulnerability and a desire to want to heal.

4) Give an example of what would help

Giving a practical solution to your feelings is a step forward in the relationship and an easily achievable one. Like most, I don’t want to hurt those I love or slight them in any way, so if I do, it’s not intentional. Knowing what would help the other person bridges the gap between wanting to make them happy and knowing how to make them happy. If you don’t verbalize what would help, they can’t give you what they don’t know you need. 

In Paul’s letter to the Colossians, we are called to speak lovingly to one another for a reason: “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone” (4:6). Knowing how to respond properly to a mate is key to developing that grace between you two. This week, learn to identify the stories you tell yourself by paying closer attention to your thought processes: look for that spiraling of thought and how it gets out of control. Then, communicate with your partner, letting them know what you’re going through, as that open level of communication will develop a stronger bond between you two and a grateful response from the one who now knows your story.

Amen.

Without Real Sacrifice, You are Hurting Your Relationships

Sacrifice is not the same as compromise: you should be giving without expecting.

A complicated word, there are many shades of definitions that run the gamut of what exactly “sacrifice” is, but we can all agree that it is a denial of oneself. It is when life and the world requires us to give up something we want or desire.

For example, during Lent many sacrifice a food, vice, or practice. Several people admirably give up meat for forty days as their sacrifice. Others dig really deep and give up something that they crave, like chocolate or alcohol. During this time, the purpose of sacrifice is for introspection, focus, and a closer awareness of our spiritual relationships. 

Sacrifice implies a relationship between two parties, and the level of sacrifice determines the level of devotion to that relationship. The key qualities include selflessness and commitment as well as a recognition of a greater purpose—that the short-term denial contributes to a longer-term goal in that relationship, a sign of a deepening commitment. Thus, the greater the sacrifice, the stronger the commitment.

The most obvious example of Biblical commitment is the sacrifice of God’s son for the love of humanity. For parents, there is no greater sacrifice, so God’s sacrifice of Jesus meant that His love and level of commitment is unsurpassable and His devotion knows no boundaries: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3.16). This sacrifice reflects the amount of love God has for His people and how much He desires humanity to be close to Him. In John 15:13, Jesus says, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends,” reinforcing that philosophy, showing how Christ sacrificed His own life for those He encountered and for future generations.

God’s and Christ’s sacrifices measure just how much He is willing to give up for us. A sacrifice should require giving up something that truly and deeply affects us. Using God’s sacrifice as an example, we should ask ourselves: How much are we willing to give up for those we love? To what measure are we willing to sacrifice for those we claim to care for? In order to answer these questions, we must first better identify what it means to sacrifice for another. 

We do not fundamentally understand what sacrifice is. For example, I am not much of a morning person and my wife is not much of a night person. To help each other out, I get up a little earlier to be with her and she stays up a little later to be with me. I want to sleep in and she wants to go to bed early, so we both give up some of our desired time and activities for the sake of unity in our marriage. Historian and author Joseph Campbell once said that, “When you make the sacrifice in marriage, you’re sacrificing not to each other but to unity in a relationship.” But where some may see our choice as sacrifice, I would argue that it is not: it is compromise. 

There are distinct differences between the two. Compromise involves finding a middle ground between two parties where each gives up something in exchange for something else. Sacrifice means giving up something without expecting anything in return, a commitment to the relationship that has no strings attached or expectations involved. So again, to what measure are we willing to sacrifice for those we love that DOES NOT INVOLVE COMPROMISE?

For those in a loving relationship, true sacrifice should not be a 50/50 mentality between partners. Instead, it should be each person giving one hundred percent of the time. That way, when one person isn’t his or her best self, the other person is there to lift up the relationship to where it should be. Sacrifice should involve a level of personal suffering for the other person. In Paul’s letter to the Galatians, he encouraged sacrifice in the form of taking up the sufferings of each other: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (6:2). To sacrificially take another’s burden upon yourself involves suffering, a giving of oneself with a personal cost. 

So, how can we give sacrificially now that we know what it means? Time, energy, and money are the first things that come to mind, giving them up for other people’s needs. But there are other aspects of ourselves that can be sacrificed, ways that involve our personal needs. One is the need to always be right along with the constant urge to be perfect, two things I struggle with in my own marriage. I too often fight for the littlest thing in an effort to be right and perfect, but by doing so, I am winning the battle but losing the war. Almost all disagreements I’ve had could have been settled through my sacrifice, yet I perpetuate the cycle and increase the damage by insisting that I am never wrong. I sacrifice physical needs easily, but for me, it is the sacrifice of my emotional needs that need work. 

In denying yourself these key aspects, you are truly sacrificing for those you love. If you are like me and find yourself lacking in these areas, some ways you can develop them include cultivating empathy and prioritizing your relationships through active listening and reflecting on your own motivations. If I listen more and see what I truly want out of a disagreement, I begin to put her before me and see what it is like to be in her shoes. From there, the sacrifice becomes a natural progression.

Mother Teresa, in a speech at a National Prayer breakfast in 1971 said, “I must be willing to give whatever it takes not to harm other people and, in fact, to do good to them. This requires that I be willing to give until it hurts.” That we should give to the point of suffering is a true denial of oneself and a full surrender to the other person, be it a romantic, familial, or friendship. Without that mentality, there will always be a level of selfishness in the relationship, where you expect the other to reciprocate. In doing so, your relationship becomes less about them and more about you, shifting the target of love and attention off the intended. To truly love another person, you must be willing to sacrifice yourself to the point where it exhausts you, as without sacrifice, we end up denying the love that we so want to give and end up renouncing those whom we truly love.

Amen.

Put Your Foot Down with Life’s Ultimate Hack

Control can be achieved in the smallest of places.

(I am on vacation for the next two weeks, so this devotional is a repost from March 2019. Enjoy!)

Chances are that your grandmother had a cure for whatever ailed you, one that wasn’t listed in the medical journals. Whether it was potato slices on the forehead to treat a headache, wart removal via duct tape, or banana peels on poison ivy, she was onto something. Modern day internet users would call these approaches “life hacks,” strategies, techniques, or tricks used to increase productivity or efficiency. (There are tons of websites dedicated to them.) I employ my own hack to help me sleep better, and there’s a good chance you’ve been doing it, too.

My wife and I have always had our differences when it comes to, well, everything. Where I like to spend, she likes to save; she prefers staying home whereas I like going out; I enjoy the attention of a room where she would prefer to melt into a wall. Thankfully, we have a lot of core similarities with one another, but a key contentious difference has always been the temperatures we enjoy: she prefers to feel blazingly hot, and I enjoy a much cooler temp. Most times, it’s not an issue (we’ve learned the art of the compromise) but where it plays the largest role is at bedtime.

Looking at our bed, you will see a distinct height differential between our two sides. She only sleeps well if she sweats out the night, yet for me, if someone touched my body and didn’t know better, they’d swear I was a corpse. So, her side of the bed looks like a cut scene from the Princess and the Pea and my side has about as many covers as an army barrack cot. With this difference, she radiates a lot of heat, and I suffer hot spells. So, I’ve employed a life hack: keeping a foot outside of the covers. It keeps me cool despite rising temps around me.

Many do it, but few understand why it works. According to the website “The Cut,” a foot outside of the covers helps regulate how we sleep:

The skin surfaces of both our hands and feet are unique…both in that they’re hairless and because they contain specialized vascular structures that help with heat loss. Specifically, the hands and feet contain blood vessels called the arteriovenous anastomoses, which—coupled with the lack of hair on the bottoms of your feet—are perfectly designed to help dissipate body heat.

Who knew that something so small could control so much? And the life hacks don’t stop there. Our body is filled with tiny controls everywhere, small designs that oversee your whole body’s reactions. According to BoredPanda.com, if you have a tickle in your throat, scratch your ear and it’ll go away. Having trouble falling asleep? Blink your eyes really fast for 1 minute, and you’ll start having trouble keeping them open. (Tried this last night: it actually works.) Also, research has shown that each ear hears different tones better than the other. So, if you are having trouble hearing that person speak to you while in a noisy room, cup your right ear, which is better at picking up words and speech patterns, whereas your left ear would be better utilized at hearing music over a long distance.

The point is that when we work to overcome a large issue or control an overwhelming situation, we tackle it with our whole being and tend to overdo it, but the key might be not to work hard but to work smart. Looking for the small controls that can steer our lives’ direction onto the right path might be a better approach. Think of it this way: the rudder of a large boat is possibly the smallest moving part on it, but it controls the direction of the entire ship. Similarly, a bit in a horse’s mouth has the same potential. So, for us, what small part of ourselves can we utilize to redirect our lives?

Almost all religions and cultures point to the tongue as the guiding factor. Elders and leaders have cited the tongue as the muscle that can raise nations or destroy lives. Proverbs 15.4 writes that “the soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.” It has that much control. The Psalmist also knew how powerful the tongue can be, as when he asks God to “set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips,” (141.3) making the ability to carefully choose words a priority in his life.

So, a taming of the tongue may be the ultimate life hack. If we can utilize it for good, we can more tightly control the direction of our lives. Easier said than done, right? Yet, there is a very simple life hack that controls the tongue and avoids catastrophe: listening. When you are listening, you are not speaking. If we choose listening instead of speaking, we exponentially decrease the chances that will derail our lives with our tongues. By listening, we are taking in and considering, whereas when we speak, we are giving out and influencing. When we listen, we don’t pretend to have the answers or solutions, and we become empathetic to other people’s needs. Also, the chances that we will influence someone or something in the wrong way decreases significantly when we don’t speak. Calvin Coolidge once said that “no man ever listened himself out of a job.”

We were given two ears and one mouth for a reason, as we should listen twice as much as we should speak. This week, spend more time listening to others and less time responding to them. Perhaps the ultimate life hack is as simple as this: talk less, listen more. By listening when we are usually speaking, instead of misguiding other people about how they should be living their lives, we can learn to regulate our tongues and redirect lives in a way that promotes not control but empathy and care.

Amen.

Good Communication: It’s All in the Timing

Just because you want to share now doesn’t mean others want to hear just then.

We had been having internet problems all weekend from the storm, and even though I’m quite tech savvy, it was beyond my abilities and I needed assistance. My internet company wasn’t much help, as I couldn’t get anyone on the phone (which seems to be the norm nowadays), but I could put in a request for a callback for when an agent was available. (My call is important to them!…or so I’ve been told.)

I figured they’d get back to me an hour or two later, but there I was crawling into bed with nary an expert on the line. What I didn’t realize was that they would be calling me back at their convenience, something I realized when my phone started ringing at seven in the morning on a weekend. And if you’re anything like my family, that is well before anyone is awake.

I frantically grabbed for my phone next to the bed and silenced it. I supposed it was a minor annoyance we could all move past, but they called again. And again. And again. They called SEVEN times, leaving a voicemail each time (which is an extra buzz of the phone) until I just turned my phone off. 

Of course these calls were well beyond my control, and I hadn’t done anything wrong. But at 7 in the morning, not everyone can be rational.

Now, before I get into what my spouse did and said in her stupor, please know that she apologized later in the day, admitting that she was too tired to know what was going on. 

Having said that, she became furious at me that she had been awakened at such an unreasonable hour by what she thought was something I had done. She shouted a few random noises my way, blamed me for waking her, got up and wandered around, and finally got back into bed and fell asleep for the next few hours. And how did I respond during her tirade? I chose not to engage.

Many parts of me wanted to argue back and let her know that what was happening was not my fault. I wanted to claim that there was nothing I could do to stop these calls. I wanted to impress upon her that I hadn’t chosen that time for them to call me back. What I did do was say nothing, and that saying of nothing caused the situation to deescalate. 

One of a few mottos I have in life is that “you can’t reason with unreasonable people,” which is similar to “don’t argue with your spouse at 7 in the morning on a weekend when Verizon is calling.” Both indicate a similar sentiment, that there is a time and place for such a thing when cooler heads prevail. The author of Ecclesiastes writes that there is “a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace” (3.8). With any good couple, fighting is not only inevitable, it is encouraged. If a couple is not fighting, then someone is keeping it all inside which is not healthy for the individual or the couple. But the author knows that there is a time for such things, and it is up to discern when that time is.

For example, I am not much of a morning person. It’s not that I’m grumpy or ill-mannered at that time of the day—it’s just that my brain is still foggy from sleep and can’t comprehend or conceptualize big ideas. My spouse is aware of this morning disability, so she knows that if she has anything to tell me about or ask me, that she should wait a little bit for my head to clear. Similarly, she is not much of a night person, in that she spends the last few hours of her day unwinding and de-stressing. So any news, ideas, or decisions I want to bring to her should not be done then, as her stress levels will spike and her answers will not be wise or calm. 

My point is that good communication is all about timing. When we respond to people and situations, we frequently focus on the emotional desire to respond rather than on the calculated timing of our response. Just because we want to say something doesn’t mean we should say it—we should consider if the time is right to do so. I may have exciting news to share with my spouse, and I may be really thrilled to share it, but if it’s in the evening, it’s going to have to wait because she won’t receive it well.

Correcting someone should follow a similar path. I can remember in college, the group I hung around with were so overzealous that we would point out each other’s faults and flaws as soon as they were apparent. As you might imagine, this didn’t improve our standing with one another or give us a better ranking in heaven: it only bred resentment and more judgment. Paul writes to the Galatians that for those looking to correct faults, ”you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently” (6.1), meaning that it is not about what we want but what the other person needs. And sometimes, that gentle restoration might not even be with words of correction but with the love that means letting them yell your way until they fall back to sleep and apologize later.

The right response at the right time can make all the difference in a relationship. Proverbs 15:23 tells us that “a person finds joy in giving an apt reply— and how good is a timely word!” In any relationship, remember that it’s not about you and what you need to communicate. It might be about the other person and what they need to hear, or not to hear, at that moment. Choosing the right time and words reflects the empathy we should foster in ourselves, as without it, we are likely to get the wrong response from those we love, something that no one wants at any time.

Amen.

Our Triggers Can’t Be Helped: Our Empathy Can

Suffering from life’s annoyances can be debilitating for some: help by learning to understand their struggles.

A great debate has been raging in my marriage bedroom for over twenty-five years, and there is no resolution in sight to it: my nighttime sleeping noises and how much it irks my bride.

It’s not always snoring. Sometimes it’s a brief puffing of air that flutters my lips and some nights it’s a sputtering chainsaw. A light sleeper, my wife is consistently roused from slumber by my respiratory reactions. The issue isn’t so much the decibel as it is my wife’s sensitivity to these noises, so it all bothers her. 

It’s a common struggle in many households. When two people have been living together for an extended amount of time, they are bound to get on each others’ nerves no matter how patient and loving they may be to one another. It’s why a steady stream of new contour pillows and propped-up mattresses enters our equation as one of us tries to help out the other. But what happens when annoyances go further than just nocturnal events?

As couples spend more time together, there are a multitude of sounds that trigger negative responses from the other, natural sounds that for the most part are just a part of living. For example, my wife can’t stand the sounds of me enjoying my food. Whether it’s slurping, licking, or the clinking of metal utensils on ceramic dinnerware, it all makes her blood curl. (What’s a foodie to do?) I try to keep it down, but what happens when it’s also my sneezes, heavy footfalls, tapping, clicking, or just about anything beyond regular breathing?

More than likely, she has a syndrome called misophonia, where the brain is wired differently and these sounds create revulsion, anger, anxiety, or fear. It’s common among many adults, creating monsters out of seemingly ordinary, calm, and rational caring beings. She clearly loves me, and I her, so what do we do to avoid murdering each other? We are told that. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13.4,5). So if we are to survive, I must take the time to understand her better.

What she and others are dealing with is the idea of triggers—the concept that certain situations, sensory inputs, or thought patterns create a reaction that cannot be controlled. And it’s not like people can just will these triggers away. When I chew loudly, I can’t just tell her to “get over it,” because she would if she could. And giving her a “trigger warning” every time I’m about to eat isn’t practical. So the issue isn’t the triggers but in helping our loved ones deal with their triggers.

As has been mentioned many times before, we cannot change others: we can only change the way we react to them. So trying to “cure” each other of our triggers is an impossible and ire-inducing task. In Paul’s letter to the Romans, he expresses to us that a wish for harmony starts with us: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (12.18). He knew that if we were to make change, it starts with ourselves, not others. So how do we approach those who are so triggered by life?

If she were blind, would I blame her for running into things? Would I get annoyed because she couldn’t see colors? Of course not. It would be terrible to do so. So similarly, my reaction to her triggers shouldn’t blame her for something beyond her physical control. Leviticus 19.14 reminds us to “not curse the deaf or put a stumbling block in front of the blind.” In order to live with someone who has these issues, we must choose compassion and find ways that don’t continue to hinder a person with triggers.

According to NashvillePsych.com, we should start by being curious rather than judgmental. In your mind they may be acting irrationally, but in their mind, they have reasons for being the way they are. Learning what their triggers are and what causes them pain and discomfort can help you avoid those situations. Approaching and dealing with them using empathy also relieves you of the burden of blame. Realizing that it is not you that is triggering them leads you to be less reactionary when they are triggered and lash out. It has nothing to do with you: you just happened to be standing there at that time.

Once listened to, you can then start to enforce boundaries with them. Letting them know that you are willing to help and what you are willing to do not only prevents them from walking all over you, but it makes them feel secure in knowing what they have to endure. That approach leads you to help them relax and cope with their emotions. Knowing what triggers them may help you provide them with situations that soothe them, moments with pleasant sensory sounds, smells, and feelings. 

We cannot fix our mates and loved ones, but we can approach them with love and empathy. 

When Paul wrote to the Colossians, he gave them several commands, but there was one that covered the others: “And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (3.14). When dealing with a person who is sensitive to many elements of this world, remember to handle them not with judgment or annoyance but with love. Loving others and showing compassion despite their issues starts with you, and without you, those relationships will never develop beyond its annoyances.

Amen.

Photo courtesy jessicasummershypnogenics.com

Not Admitting Wrong is Never Right

Your invading hubris may be causing you to overestimate just how right you are.

I’m currently watching several careers around me implode. Some are new at their jobs, some have been there a number of years, and some are veterans, yet at the center, they all have the same thing in common: they refuse to admit that they are wrong.

Without going into too much detail, suffice to say that these two taught inappropriate material to the point that the students felt deeply uncomfortable and the parents were rightfully outraged. Both have enough experience to know what is right and wrong, but the issue doesn’t come from the lesson plan; it comes from their reactions to being called out.

You see, both felt that they did nothing wrong. Both felt that they were being creative with their ideas and challenging kids to think outside of their comfort zones. Both felt that they are being persecuted for their ideas, yet both seem to be clearly wrong. Which happens to everyone, but more importantly, when the people around them were offended, both refused to apologize. Therein lies the problem: when you think you did the right thing yet people around you are upset, how should you react?

Hubris is frequently the factor that gets in the way when these mistakes are made. Hubris clouds judgment, where people end up making decisions with tremendous confidence that are subsequently bad for them and others. According to Effectiviology.com, hubris leads people to overestimate their abilities and ideas, thinking that they are better than they are, relying on them to the point that the people eliminate logic and reason from the process. Hubris fosters recklessness, causing impulsiveness and “an unwillingness to consider undesirable outcomes, (a) refusal to feel accountable to others, (with) difficulties in facing changing realities.” So people get hurt and no one apologizes.

With these two candidates, both fit the bill for hubris. They refuse to take responsibility for their actions or heal the hurt they’ve caused. They feel that they were right and so won’t budge, and unfortunately their example is the perfect encapsulation of what not to do when struck with hubris. 

One of the most hubristic people of the Bible is Saul of Tarsus, the man who would become Paul. For months after the rise of the Christian movement, Saul persecuted Christians, stoning and killing them because he thought that’s what God wanted him to do. A strict Pharisee, he felt that Christianity threatened the Jewish beliefs of his faith, that the Christian movement was blasphemous. It was then that Christ appeared to him and told him otherwise:

Suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him. He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?”

“Who are you, Lord?” Saul asked.

“I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,” he replied. “Now get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do.”…For three days he was blind, and did not eat or drink anything.

Act 9.3-9

For a man with such hubristic intentions, you would think that once his eyesight was restored, he would go after Christians with a fury that went far beyond his original actions. Instead, Saul admitted his error and worked to restore the harm he had done. His intentions were in the right place for his original work, but once he realized that he was wrong, instead of continuing in this incorrect vein he chose to work through his hubris. correcting his path and putting his efforts in a different direction. 

Confucius once said that, “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” It is common to make errors, as we are human. We will frequently be wrong, but how we handle it when our error is pointed out is what builds our character and leads us to victory.  There is a Japanese proverb that says, “Nana korobi ya oki,” which when translated means, “Fall down seven times, get up eight.” Our character is found not in the fall but in the rise. Hubris refuses to let us rise.

Christ tells a parable about a Pharisee and a tax collector. Both see the need to pray, but where one admits his faults and looks to rise, the other is filled with hubris and refuses to change:

The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’ But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’ 

I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.

Luke 18.10-14

The tax collector was willing to work through his hubris, admit mistakes, and seek forgiveness, and therefore he will be forgiven. Similarly, should our two initial candidates reject their hubris by showing remorse based on how they hurt and offended others, they might save their careers.

So how can we avoid hubris? First, awareness: look for excessive pride, overconfidence, and self-importance. When these qualities start to sneak into your behaviors, evaluate your actions and reflect on them with honesty. Listen to others and what they can contribute with their point of view. Learning to listen and care for others helps to put hubristic intentions at bay. Then admit to others that you’ve offended them and apologize. Too often, we don’t apologize because it translates to being wrong, but an apology also means that you admit to doing something you never intended to. Acknowledging their pain can go a long way with your own redemption.

Keeping hubris in check is vital to maintaining nurturing, empathetic relationships with others. And when you do fall, there is no shame in acknowledging your mistakes and admitting error in judgment. The error is when you refuse to admit wrong and push forward despite what everyone else is saying. Instead, learn to listen and care for others, and you will always rise an eighth time.

Amen.