When Stalemate Fights Develop into Relationship Standoffs

Win or lose, it’s a bloodbath. Try hearing instead.

A whistle in the distance…a rolling tumbleweed…squinty eyes…itchy trigger fingers. Looks like we’ve got an old-fashioned standoff! Yeehaw!

My wife said to me the other day that she and I don’t have many actual fights in our relationship but rather we have a variety of standoffs, where each person has his or her own ideas and won’t budge on them. We are two alphas constantly butting heads and refusing to back down.

Hearing those words made me rethink a lot of how we approach each other in conflict. It reframed our disagreements for me, seeing them not as people angry at each other but as individuals strategizing to be heard. It also made me realize that in every fight we have, there is a potential winner and loser, and even when you win, you lose.

Our most recent standoff? We have had a long-standing one in our relationship. The proverbial thorn in our side, where we have each stood our ground firmly and refused to concede.

Apple vs. Samsung.

I have been a die-hard Apple user since iPhone 3. In it for the long haul, I love my iPhone and get a new one every year. It is everything I’ve ever wanted and more. Years ago, my wife dug in her heels with Samsung and only conceded this year when our son switched over to iPhone. (His friends all have one and she wanted to be able to stay in close contact with him—the two opposing services don’t communicate well with each other otherwise.) 

Since then, she has kicked and screamed about her iPhone because it doesn’t do what she wants it to do. So the other night, when she had trouble with it connecting to her car, that standoff came center stage. 

It began as most fights and standoffs do, with an expression of frustration. I tried just listening, but after a few minutes, she didn’t feel heard. (Even though one can be in listening mode, that doesn’t mean the other person feels heard.) You see, she wanted some concession from the lot of us iPhone users, where we would break out of our collective “cult-craze zombie-like acceptance” (her words)  and see the light that Samsung is better.

Now, this all seems silly written down, but remember that standoffs aren’t always about the issue. Often, as I’ve mentioned before, they are about the history between the two parties. When a couple disagrees, it’s about all the other things that the other person has ever done. So, to help recontextualize the stalemate, it’s important to see the other person not as an aggressor but as someone who feels unappreciated. According to relationship therapist Esther Perel, fights bring susceptibilities to the surface and are frequently difficult to solve because both involved parties misunderstand what is at the root of the problem: hurt and vulnerability. Because of this misunderstanding, couples end up having the same fight over and over because each feels vulnerable and not heard. To truly win the argument, couples need to take steps to break the loop. 

The first step is to recontextualize it not as a fight to be won: there is no right or wrong side. The goal is then shifted away from winning and moves towards understanding where the other person is coming from. It becomes much more productive that way as each person starts to retract their alpha horns and back off. In John 13, Christ takes all of the rules of life and boils it down to this: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another” (34-35). Putting love first and winning last achieves this goal.

In addition, don’t try to make your partner see your perspective, as that also creates a push and pull scenario between the two of you. Instead, shift your goals towards understanding the other person’s perspective by examining feelings and experiences. Remember, there is a difference between listening and hearing. I tend to listen, which means I get quiet during a fight. Unfortunately that is perceived as a dismissal, where the other person thinks you are shutting down. Instead, actively listen, where you ask questions that help to shed light on areas that your partner feels you are in the dark about. It’s hard, but Ephesians 4 asks us to “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (2-3). Letting them know that you are actively listening paves a path of love for the both of you to travel together. 

And if you are on the other side and are the one coming in hot with the argument, avoid accusations and judgments on the other person. Frame your issues with how you are feeling and why you feel defensive about an issue. Explaining that you feel attacked rather than accusing the other person of attacking you puts emotions at the center and allows for empathy. Ephesians asks that we “walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (5:2). Avoiding an attack by focusing on how you feel rather than what the other person did allows for that walk. Seeking to find common ground and relating to each other’s feelings also models that love for the other person, and sometimes even persuades them to act likewise. For us, we might still disagree about our phones, but at least we are understanding each other’s emotions and aren’t in a stalemate.

Roaming the romantic wild west and coming across the occasional relationship standoff is a given. Good couples fight, and when they do, it can often lead down the wrong path. Be sure to set that path straight not by framing your argument about who’s right or wrong or how much the other person hurt you, but instead by developing it around your vulnerabilities, the emotions the issue evoked, and how you want to understand the other person’s point of view. In a stalemate, no one wins, but in a relationship framed with empathy, everyone does.

Amen.

Commitment: When Doing Nothing Isn’t Doing Nothing

Silencing those who oppress you often means staying silent yourself. 

I had received my fair share of ridicule and jeering at rallies from the opposition.  There were a number of shouts of “go home” and “get a job” from passersby, along with shaking of heads, middle fingers, opposition signs, and revving of car engines to drown us out.  Although it doesn’t even come close to the oppression faced by many minorities, I still felt the sting.

So it was with great interest when I heard on social media that an opposition group was holding a rally the day after ours.  The person who posted the information (someone from our group) asked about how we should respond to them during their rally, given the hate they profess during ours.  Some suggestions included driving back and forth in front of their group, screaming obscenities at them, and someone even mentioned slapping opposition bumper sticks on their cars in their parking lot (yes, the maturity level was all over the place).

There were also some who suggested we do nothing, that we not get involved, that they have a right to protest, and to not “feed the trolls” anything that gives them ammo against us.  As someone who never gets involved with online discussions, I felt oddly compelled to put in my thoughts, as I felt much the same way.  I wrote:

When the opposition gets tough, I’m reminded of the example that John Lewis set forth, as he and his supporters, when they had milkshakes dumped on their heads and cigarette butts put out on their backs, sat quietly and had no reaction, thus displaying grace, dignity, and an ultimate upholding of the law when others had no regard for it.

For those who don’t know much about him, John Lewis was a Georgia statesman and civil rights leader who passed away a few weeks ago.  He was instrumental in many marches and protests championing equal rights for all citizens and marched with Martin Luther King Jr. on a number of occasions.   A Freedom Rider who marched on the Edmund Pettus Bridge in Selma, Lewis knew he would be beaten and arrested, so he brought a backpack not of things to defend himself with but instead fruit, a toothbrush, and two books to keep him occupied while in jail. 

He frequently advocated for the route of non-violently provoking the system to get it back on track.  He epitomized the idea of grace and courage, vowing to not respond to those who tried to provoke him.  He said that, “before we went on any protest, whether it was sit-ins or the freedom rides or any march, we prepared ourselves, and we were disciplined.  We were committed to the way of peace – the way of non-violence – the way of love – the way of life as the way of living.”

I felt his leadership influence as I wrote that post, as his ideals often drove our rallies, and was surprised to see a negative response from the person who runs our group:

There are only so many milkshakes people can let roll off their back before something more has to be done and said.

Surprisingly, she seemed against the idea of sticking to our beliefs and principles by not responding.  I  remembered 1 Corinthians 15.58 which says, “Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm.  Let nothing move you.  Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.”  It was then that I realized a characteristic that John Lewis embodied that most have forgotten because it is hard, often unnoticed, and almost never acknowledged: steadfastness, the quality of being resolute, dutifully firm, and unwavering.  I wanted to advocate for it, so I responded:

I understand your frustration…but I am not advocating for doing and saying nothing.  What John Lewis did wasn’t nothing.  He refused to let his rights be trampled by not moving from those counters, not leaving that bridge, and not giving up with his marches and protests.  I think you are confusing his actions for non-action.  But remember that he was not violent nor combative which is what you seem to be advocating in your answer.  Lewis was steadfast, which is not a non-action.  What bothers the opposition the most is when you don’t react in anger to their actions and words. They want you to get angry and lash out.  Don’t give them that satisfaction, and don’t stray from your message of love, acceptance, and inclusion.

Suffice it to say not only did my comments get the most “likes” but this person and I are now having an open, friendly dialogue regarding the future of the rallies, learning to respond not with aggression and confrontation but with patience and determination.  We are moving down a path of which John Lewis would approve.  And having just read about the opposition’s rally in the newspaper, I can see that our choice to not react has only strengthened our message.

James 1.12 writes that “Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.”  With Christ as our example, someone who could have used His heavenly powers to wipe out His oppressors as they nailed Him to a cross, we can see the long lasting result that comes of being steadfast.  When we stay the course and hold fast to our beliefs, our message is heard and we accomplish our long term goals.  By choosing to react instead of remaining steadfast, our momentary actions and words are heard, but then the message is lost.  We lose the long term goals when we react emotionally, something Christ and Lewis avoided altogether, hence their lasting legacy.

In his book Across That Bridge: A Vision for Change and the Future of America, Lewis wrote: “You are a light.  You are the light.  Never let anyone — any person or any force — dampen, dim or diminish your light…Release the need to hate, to harbor division, and the enticement of revenge.  Release all bitterness.  Hold only love, only peace in your heart, knowing that the battle of good to overcome evil is already won.”  This week, hold to these words from Lewis and remember to live not emotionally but steadfastly.

Amen.

Learning to Respond with Love in an Angry World

Don’t conform to the anger in this world but transform it with a message of love.

Last week, I wrote about how angry we are as a nation, citing some who are justified, some logical, and some baseless in their emotion.  I encouraged people to re-examine why they were angry, looking for the motivations behind these extreme emotions and actions.  My thought was that if you are unwilling to bring your anger motivations into light, then they are hiding in the darkness for a not good reason.  So, that’s how to deal with our own anger, but what should we do when the angry people are those around us and, in fact, not us?  How should we respond?

We were at a recent midday rally when the intersection light changed and traffic came to a halt under a hot summer sun.  In her car at the head of the line sat a middle-aged woman, internally fuming but outwardly silent and stoic.  She was stopped within a few feet of us, but kept quiet while the light was red.  We had no idea how she truly felt until the light turned green and she rapidly accelerated.  Then, she leaned out her window and began shouting at us about how Trump was going to win in the fall and something about how we would all be sorry along with a string of other insults and threats.  (Mind you, we were not there protesting an election.)  Although we were right next to her window when she was stopped at the light, she remained silent until she could yell at us and run away.  She didn’t want to converse, she just wanted to be heard.

I find that this type of bomb-dropping and running-away is oftentimes the situation with a lot of angry people.  I see it most frequently on social media.  People love to spout their anger or outrage on a topic but don’t consider the emotions of those who are reading it.  They hit the “post” button with a high level of catharsis, as if the anger has been purged from them, and they have fixed the world.  I wonder if the woman in her car drove away feeling that same catharsis.

The problem with social media is that people in fact DO respond when you post in anger.  And their posts are filled with anger too, and those posts are set on setting the original poster straight.  Most likely, the same process flows through them: a building up of anger and a cathartic release upon posting.  And then the two (or more) people go around and around, with no end in sight.  

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a person change their mind in one of these online conversations.  I’ve never seen a person post, “You, know…you’re right.  I hadn’t considered that, and I have changed my mind as a result of your post.  Thank you.”  There is a reason you’ve never seen this post either.  As a collective, we are leaving out the second part of a three part engagement process when it comes to communication.  We are listening, and we are responding, but we are not understanding, which is a key facet that needs to be inserted before we respond.  The author of Proverbs 18.2 writes that, “Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.”  If we first consider the other person and where he or she is at, and then base our response on that understanding, I believe that we can have more meaningful conversations that actually end up affecting positive change.

I watched two friends from college this week get into an argument on Facebook.  “Frank” posted about how he was canceled by an old friend who’s ideology no longer met with his own: rather than continue to argue, the old friend decided to end the friendship, as he didn’t see it improving or getting any less frustrating.  “Frank” was complaining about how no one wanted to have a conversation any more.  That’s when one brave person jumped in, “Tara”, and suggested that “Frank’s” tone and approach to sensitive topics was baiting people into anger instead of conversation, and that he should examine his approach.  “Frank” of course didn’t like this criticism and argued with her, only proving her point more, but she didn’t take his bait and only continued with love and constructive criticism.  It didn’t immediately change anything for “Frank,” but it was clearly memorable to those who read “Tara’s” posts, leaving a lasting impression of grace and kindness, and may have made him think a little.

So when people express their anger to us, how should we respond?  How can we go about changing their tune?  How can we use the three step process of listening, understanding, and responding to create a better world?  Proverbs 29.11 tells us that, “fools give full vent to their rage,  but the wise bring calm in the end.”  How can we avoid falling into that foolish trap and instead bringing wisdom and peace to a situation?

A few weeks ago, at another rally, I watched as the group chanted “Black Lives Matter” to the center of town.  As we delivered our message and brandished signs, a car drove past and shouted at us in anger, “ALL LIVES MATTER!”  A fair point, and no one in the group would doubt it, but we were standing up for those who were currently being ignored and marginalized by society.  And that’s what I wanted to yell back, but what good would it have done?  That’s when I heard what might have been the only possibly effective response, one that listened and understood and considered the feelings of others, one that neutralized a hostile situation.  A man shouted, “Then join us.”  

There is no further cause to argue upon hearing that loving, empathetic response, as those shouting in anger (a secondary emotion) probably felt ignored in society.  Proverbs 15.1 says that, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”  When people lash out in anger, the only way to quell it is to respond in love.

This week, look to the moments when people lash out to you in anger, and instead of responding similarly, find the love that God has given you, the love of humanity we all still have, and respond in a way that brings in understanding for that person who feels something deeper than anger.

And as for the woman in the car who yelled at us, who felt marginalized, left out, and frustrated?  What did I shout in return?

“It’s okay!  We love you anyway!” 

Amen.

Keeping It Together in Calamitous Times

Emotional responses to turmoil will only make the seas rougher.

As I continue my walks and jogs on the streets and paths of my town, I see a number of people out doing the same.  I’ve written recently about those who once smiled, waved, and greeted me have, over time, now grown cold, unfriendly, and impatient.  At least that’s what I used to think.

I’ve been putting myself in other’s shoes more so lately so I can better understand the suffering they are going through, since I’ve been very lucky during this time.  My family has been healthy, my finances and job secure, and most constraints are solely an inconvenience.  Yes, it’s annoying to have to wear a face mask, order only take-out, and not visit any of my friends in person, but I’ve been blessed, and my struggles don’t even come close to what others are experiencing.  Hence, other’s shoes.

Once I started thinking about what others were going through, how life has thrown them various uncertainties and obstacles, I realized that those who weren’t smiling and waving to me on my walks weren’t being unfriendly: they are just trying to hold it together.

The vast majority of us are right now just trying to keep it together.  We want to scream, throw things, and be petty to those around us.  I find myself doing it in the supermarket, throwing shady looks at those who walk the wrong way down an aisle or have taken off their face mask.  But what is really going on is that we are all trying the best we can to deal with what our world has become.

I saw it in the man behind me in line at Home Depot.  The person in front of me just happened to be a current student of mine, and we began talking about the school year, oddities in life, etc.  We then started talking about September and what that might look like, how we might not be going back in full or at all.  That’s when the man behind me chimed in.

“Oh, that’s not going to happen.”

I really wanted to know what his evidence was, but his tone led me to the conclusion that he didn’t have any.  I tried changing the subject, but he continued.

“It’s just a flu!  People are acting like we’ve never had a flu before.”

The good doctor also assured me that we’ll be fine by the summer.

I kept quiet, as there was no arguing with his baseless ignorance, which is what I first dismissed it as.  For the rest of the day, his comments and demeanor stuck with me, as I tried to figure out from where his statements were coming.  I wanted to dismiss him as uninformed, but I sensed it was more complex than that.  Then it dawned on me that he isn’t any of these things.  He is just trying to cope with life, and the thought that there is hope to the end of all this is what keeps him motivated.  It’s what he has to tell himself to get through the day.

And isn’t that what we all do, tell ourselves the things we need to hear to get through our difficult days?  For that gentleman, yes it was uninformed, but it helped him to keep his emotions in check.  It probably helped him from lashing out at the world.  What he was exhibiting, and what we’ve been encountering outside of our homes, isn’t unfriendliness, impatience, or ignorance: it’s composure.

My son’s Tae Kwon Do school has a word of the month, and sure enough, this month’s appropriate word is composure, the ability to keep it together when you want to lash out at the world, the steps you take to avoid making a bad day worse.  I listened to his class discuss composure in their lives, with many examples of struggling to get through excessive homework and dealing with being told what to do when they don’t want to do it.  We want to have emotional reactions when our life is falling apart, and composure is the choice we make to avoid acting emotionally.  Sometimes it’s shutting down completely and removing yourself from the situation, and sometimes it’s just taking a deep breath.

To see how to react when having a really bad day, take Matthew 14.  In this chapter, Christ first finds out that his best friend John the Baptist was beheaded.  Jesus probably wanted to emotionally lash out, but He resisted and chose composure.  “When Jesus heard what had happened, He withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place” (v.13). Good idea, but before He knew it, a hungry crowd started following Him, demanding healing and food.  Again, Jesus chose composure by showing compassion on the crowd, healing the sick and, “taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, He gave thanks and broke the loaves.  Then He gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people” (v. 19).  He performed a miracle and fed thousands with a small amount.  Finally, trying to retreat again, a storm came up while the disciples were at sea.  To help out, He walked out on the water to them and calmed the seas.  “And when (He) climbed into the boat, the wind died down” (v. 32).  Despite the mourning that He was going through, He decided to minister to others instead of emotionally reacting.

When the world seems out of control, our desire to lose our heads, yell at others, and curse out the situation is tempting, yet unproductive.  Thankfully, there are steps to avoid doing so.  Like Christ, we can retreat, seek rest, find something to eat, and spend time with friends.  Experts advise us to reflect on our past and avoid taking things personally.  We can breathe, stretch, shift our mindset from harmful to one of opportunity, and like the disciples on the boat, remember that God is still in control.

This week, when you want to blow your car horn, punch your computer, or yell at the news, choose composure over an emotional response.  As we march towards an uncertain future, you’ll find that serenity and self-control will serve you and others around you better in the long run.

Amen.