Win or lose, it’s a bloodbath. Try hearing instead.
A whistle in the distance…a rolling tumbleweed…squinty eyes…itchy trigger fingers. Looks like we’ve got an old-fashioned standoff! Yeehaw!
My wife said to me the other day that she and I don’t have many actual fights in our relationship but rather we have a variety of standoffs, where each person has his or her own ideas and won’t budge on them. We are two alphas constantly butting heads and refusing to back down.
Hearing those words made me rethink a lot of how we approach each other in conflict. It reframed our disagreements for me, seeing them not as people angry at each other but as individuals strategizing to be heard. It also made me realize that in every fight we have, there is a potential winner and loser, and even when you win, you lose.
Our most recent standoff? We have had a long-standing one in our relationship. The proverbial thorn in our side, where we have each stood our ground firmly and refused to concede.
Apple vs. Samsung.
I have been a die-hard Apple user since iPhone 3. In it for the long haul, I love my iPhone and get a new one every year. It is everything I’ve ever wanted and more. Years ago, my wife dug in her heels with Samsung and only conceded this year when our son switched over to iPhone. (His friends all have one and she wanted to be able to stay in close contact with him—the two opposing services don’t communicate well with each other otherwise.)
Since then, she has kicked and screamed about her iPhone because it doesn’t do what she wants it to do. So the other night, when she had trouble with it connecting to her car, that standoff came center stage.
It began as most fights and standoffs do, with an expression of frustration. I tried just listening, but after a few minutes, she didn’t feel heard. (Even though one can be in listening mode, that doesn’t mean the other person feels heard.) You see, she wanted some concession from the lot of us iPhone users, where we would break out of our collective “cult-craze zombie-like acceptance” (her words) and see the light that Samsung is better.
Now, this all seems silly written down, but remember that standoffs aren’t always about the issue. Often, as I’ve mentioned before, they are about the history between the two parties. When a couple disagrees, it’s about all the other things that the other person has ever done. So, to help recontextualize the stalemate, it’s important to see the other person not as an aggressor but as someone who feels unappreciated. According to relationship therapist Esther Perel, fights bring susceptibilities to the surface and are frequently difficult to solve because both involved parties misunderstand what is at the root of the problem: hurt and vulnerability. Because of this misunderstanding, couples end up having the same fight over and over because each feels vulnerable and not heard. To truly win the argument, couples need to take steps to break the loop.
The first step is to recontextualize it not as a fight to be won: there is no right or wrong side. The goal is then shifted away from winning and moves towards understanding where the other person is coming from. It becomes much more productive that way as each person starts to retract their alpha horns and back off. In John 13, Christ takes all of the rules of life and boils it down to this: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another” (34-35). Putting love first and winning last achieves this goal.
In addition, don’t try to make your partner see your perspective, as that also creates a push and pull scenario between the two of you. Instead, shift your goals towards understanding the other person’s perspective by examining feelings and experiences. Remember, there is a difference between listening and hearing. I tend to listen, which means I get quiet during a fight. Unfortunately that is perceived as a dismissal, where the other person thinks you are shutting down. Instead, actively listen, where you ask questions that help to shed light on areas that your partner feels you are in the dark about. It’s hard, but Ephesians 4 asks us to “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (2-3). Letting them know that you are actively listening paves a path of love for the both of you to travel together.
And if you are on the other side and are the one coming in hot with the argument, avoid accusations and judgments on the other person. Frame your issues with how you are feeling and why you feel defensive about an issue. Explaining that you feel attacked rather than accusing the other person of attacking you puts emotions at the center and allows for empathy. Ephesians asks that we “walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (5:2). Avoiding an attack by focusing on how you feel rather than what the other person did allows for that walk. Seeking to find common ground and relating to each other’s feelings also models that love for the other person, and sometimes even persuades them to act likewise. For us, we might still disagree about our phones, but at least we are understanding each other’s emotions and aren’t in a stalemate.
Roaming the romantic wild west and coming across the occasional relationship standoff is a given. Good couples fight, and when they do, it can often lead down the wrong path. Be sure to set that path straight not by framing your argument about who’s right or wrong or how much the other person hurt you, but instead by developing it around your vulnerabilities, the emotions the issue evoked, and how you want to understand the other person’s point of view. In a stalemate, no one wins, but in a relationship framed with empathy, everyone does.
Amen.
Pebbles in the Well 